The first night in. (9x04)

Callie's POV.

A couple of minutes later, American Bake Off starts. A couple of minutes in complete silence. For the first time in months, silence is not a bad thing: it is a relief. Arizona is staring at the tv screen but I can tell she isn't watching.

She hasn't been watching anything really the past few months. She just stares at the tv and uses it as an excuse so that she doesn't have to look elsewhere. So that she doesn't have to look at me, or Sofia, or most of all, herself.

I'm not watching either, though. I'm watching her with the corner of my eye. She seems so anxious and nervous. I feel nervous too. She has spoken quietly before but she has never invited me so close to her. It's so devastating to feel estranged from my own wife. But, this, today, is some progress.

During the first break, she goes again:

"I miss Chinese food". I freeze.

"You could bring some on our way home tomorrow" she continues.

I'm sure she understands how shocked I am by my trembling response

"Um, yeah, sure I could. I will". I want to add "I miss YOU" but the show starts again just on time.

Silence comes again.

At the end of the show, Arizona is really sleepy, she is exhausted. She has had a quite tiring day and is struggling to stay awake. She needs to go to bed and relax.

"You should go to bed" I say, as gently as I can.

"Hum, yeah, I should. I'm exhausted", she says while bringing the crutches closer so she can stand on them.

"I bet you are. Let me give you a hand there…"

"No, NO. I'm OK" she says, a bit irritated.

I can't say a word. So afraid am I of her yelling again. But she doesn't.

"I'm fine", she adds quietly and my heart goes back to its place. No arguing today. It's a good day. It's a step. A baby one, yet huge.

As she reaches our bedroom door, she stops. She turns her head and watches me tidying up the place before I leave for Mark's. I pretend I haven't noticed her. I'm terrified of what's coming next.

"I can't sleep when you're across the hall." She says, then pauses.

"I keep thinking about something happening and you not making it in here in time."

She isn't looking at me. She's staring at the floor. She stays there for a couple of seconds and starts moving inside the room. I can't speak. I try to, but nothing comes out. I can't even move. I'm frozen.

"Goodnight" she whispers as she's closing the door behind her.

I reach for the sofa and sit down. I try to breath. Sleeping across the hall wasn't easy for me either but I never thought she didn't want me to. She had been pushing me away for months, she seemed relieved I was sleeping at Mark's. But suddenly, there she is, asking me to stay.

I start sobbing, unable to hold back anymore. I see the light in the bedroom where my wife is lying, disappear. She is trying to fall asleep, I guess. I'm trying to stop sobbing so that I won't wake her up, but I can't. I fall asleep, there, on the coach, with my clothes and shoes on.

Arizona's POV.

I haven't heard the door closing so I guess she's still in. I heard her trying to hold back. I heard her sobbing. I heard her gasps as she was trying to breath while crying.

It's been two hours I haven't heard anything. She must have fallen asleep. I feel a strong urge to go check on her but I'm afraid she's gonna wake up. I don't want her to see me checking on her. Not tonight.

One hour later, I still hear nothing. I sit on the bed and get my crutches. I'm going anyway. If she wakes up, I'll tell her I was thirsty. She used to put a glass of water on my bedside table but I shouted at her not to do so and she stopped.

I have yelled so hard at her lately. And she never responds. I keep on breaking her and she doesn't respond.

The city is glowing outside the window so I don't have to turn any lights on. I try to be as quiet as possible.

There she is, the love of my life, lying on a coach I've forced her to sleep on, curled and cold and lonely. She looks so lonely.

I feel tears running down my cheeks. I'm alive and I'm here and I've been making her feel like I'm dead, like I died out there in the woods. But I didn't. I'm alive. And I have to get back.

I bring her favorite blanket and cover her. She moves a little and makes herself comfortable under it. I bent and take her shoes off. I wish I could take care of her.

She used to be the one staring at me when I was asleep but now I'm looking at her. She's so beautiful. I put a light kiss on her hair. She smells so wonderfully. I miss her smell. I miss her. I miss us. I miss myself. .

I head for Sofia's bedroom to check on her too. She's still asleep. She barely wakes up at night anymore.

I go back to our bedroom. As I'm lying on the hospital bed I've been sleeping on for months, I start sobbing. I can't hold back anymore, either.