Where I Stood

by listen-to-the-birdies-sing

The rest of the people at the table thought it was because she was horny for him, but one person knew the truth. Or maybe two. No, definitely two with all the things Meredith told Christina, she was positive that she'd told her about their conversation two nights before. M for language and a little smushing. (:

WHERE I STOOD; MARK AND LEXIE FANFICTION; BY TIARN.

She couldn't stop it. He was there; he was right in front of her with his friends and she couldn't stop staring at him.

"Lexie, you're starring at him again –"

"Huh? Oh, what?"

Her friends didn't bother to repeat the words they'd just said to her, certain that she wouldn't hear them anyway. She never heard a word they said when he was around her.

The rest of the people at the table thought it was because she was horny for him, but one person knew the truth. Or maybe two. No, definitely two with all of the things Meredith told Christina, she was positive that she'd told her about their conversation two nights before.

"I need a drink." She said suddenly, not able to look at the scene that was playing before her anymore. She'd always been jealous of Addison, but now, seeing her with Mark; seeing her stroke his arm in a flirty way, she couldn't help herself.

By the time she'd pushed through the groups of drunken idiots who decided it would be fun to stand in a line and not let her through, Joe had already seen her coming and handed her the normal glass of tequila she always had when she was there.

It was a Grey thing; they'd always been good at handling their alcohol. She was grateful that Joe hadn't given her a shot this time. She needed something that would take her a while to drink. She needed something that she had an excuse to sit at the bar and drink so she didn't have to turn around and look at her ex and his ex-sex partner flirting.

"Had a bad day, huh?"

In reply to Joe's question, she just took a seat on the stool and brought the glass up to her lips, shaking her head as she swallowed. "Oh, you don't even know the half of it."

Joe paused before he spoke his next words. "It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that Mark's sitting with Addison would it?"

Her head snapped up to look at him in a nanosecond. It hadn't been all in her mind like she'd been trying to convince herself. It couldn't be if Joe had noticed it too. Joe wasn't even straight!

"How do you-"

He cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable even though he was the one who'd brought up the conversation. He wiped the bar in front of her. "I just … I noticed that you couldn't really stop looking in that direction. And when I saw that Addie and Mark were sitting together I figured …"

She couldn't help the strangled groan that left her lips as she put her head down on the freshly-wiped bar. "Oh my god I'm so desperate!"

Like always, Joe was there to go to her rescue, and he put his hand on her arm. "Lex, you're not desperate. You're-"

"Don't you dare say it!" she glowered at him when she looked up. "Don't you say it."

He pouted softly and patted her arm again before he leant over so their noses were almost touching and looked her straight in the face. "You going to be okay, sweetie?"

In the years that she's known Joe, they've shared an unbreakable bond, and she sighed, nodding her head once. "Yeah. Just keep the drinks coming, baby."

He smiled at her before placing one quick kiss on her lips and turning back to serve one of the drunken assholes who'd blocked her from getting to the bar.

One hand turning her glass around in her hand, the other with her elbow on the bench of the bar, keeping her head up, she didn't even bother to turn around and look at Mark and Addie. Well if he wanted her, he could bloody have her! She vowed right then and there that she was over Mark Sloane. That she was going to be okay, because they didn't work well together and she wanted him to be happy.

"Isn't it a little too early in the night to be drinking tequila at a bar by yourself, Little Grey?"

If she hadn't been so sad about the fact he was back with Addison, she probably would've been concerned that he'd seen the shiver that had run down her spine when he'd started speaking. If she hadn't been so sad about the fact that he was back with Addison, she probably would've smiled at the nickname she had hated before but she now loved. But she was sad.

And it wasn't completely the fact that he'd gotten back with Addison; it was the fact that he hadn't told her that he was getting back with Addison. Sure, she had no right to even think that he actually would, but even after their breakup they'd stayed friends, and he hadn't even had the courtesy to say 'Hey, I think I'm going to get back with my ex-screw-buddy! Hope that doesn't hurt you in any way, shape or form!'. That was what pissed her off and made her hurt.

"Not for me."

He doesn't sit down on the bar stool next to her like he normally would. Or like he would've done if it were in other circumstances and his ex-

She didn't even know what to call Addison other than a bitch. A bitch for taking Mark away. A bitch for sleeping with him in the first place. But really, Lexie couldn't handle the fact that she was the one who'd pushed Mark away. Lexie had broken up with Mark- walked out on him twice, and he had the right to get with anybody who he wanted to get with.

"I thought you saved Mrs. Norris' life today…" Mark trailed off, sounding confused, his eyes not leaving the side of her face.

She knew she couldn't look at him or she'd be sucked in and it would hurt a million times worse to leave, knowing that when he took Addison home that night, he wouldn't be leaving and they'd be doing things in her bed. In her house. Or maybe in his.

"We did."

He paused for a second while Joe came up and looked from Lexie to Mark, serving him with a more forceful tone than was necessary.

Like always, Mark got a beer and took a sip while trying to find words to say to her. "Than what's wrong, Lex?"

Her heart was pounding in her chest when she stood up from her seat and looked up at him, the first time she had since he'd come to the bar. "I have to get back to my friends. And you should … you should get back to Addison, Mark."

Without another word she moved away from him, her stomach had dropped down to the floor and she felt as if she was going to cry, but she couldn't turn around now. She was letting him go; she was finally saying 'goodbye' to him. Before she'd played the fantasy in her head that she could go back to him whenever she got the nerve to. But now she couldn't even be bothered to think about it, all she wanted to do was drink too much and hopefully get so drunk she wouldn't remember seeing them together the next morning.

"You okay?"

She had to take a deep breath to steady herself and closed her eyes while she nodded, but Meredith saw right past it and her hand met Lexie's knee under the table, giving it a loving squeeze to tell her that she was right there with her, and she always would be. No matter how back it got – Lexie was her little sister and she'd be there for her.

"JOE! WE NEED KARAOKE!"

Everyone turned, mouths open, eyes popping out of their head, to look at Christina. She was sitting there, hair messed up terribly, sipping out of her glass of whiskey like it was Christmas and she was four years old again.

"What did you just say?!" Meredith and Lexie asked in unison, neither of them really believing it had just come out of Christina's mouth. No matter how drunk she was, Christina never said anything like that. Ever.

"Karaoke! JOE NOW!"

Joe, obviously shocked, too, came running out with the microphone and the remote as if Christina would cut him open if he didn't. He put them on the table and walked back behind the bar, grumbling something about a thank you would have been nice.

"Lexie!"

Lexie felt like her head was going to spin off from all of the shaking it was doing and Meredith agreed, obviously the drinks she'd have were affecting her brain, too.

Despite all of her years in choir groups, Lexie still didn't have the confidence to sing in front of people. She didn't think she was bad. She knew she wasn't the best singer in the world and she wasn't being self-loving or anything, but she was a good singer. She wasn't afraid of that. She was, however, afraid of standing in a crowded room full of people and being judged for her performance. Most of the time the words didn't come out right.

"YAY! LEXIE! WOOOOOOW!"

People who didn't even know her were chanting her name, and she didn't know if it was because of the alcohol that she'd just drunk, rushing to her system or if it was because Mark was in the room and she wanted to prove that she was a big girl, but she knew she had to sing.

The applause got louder when she jumped up on the risen platform that people had labelled 'the stage', and she grabbed the microphone from Christina on her way past, as well as the remote that would let her choose the song.

Out of all of the pair of eyes in the crowd, she could feel his eyes burning into her as she took her time looking through the hundreds of songs on the list, until she finally found the perfect song.

She knew that he'd understand everything, and plus it was one of the songs she could sing well and knew every word to. But it was all because of the message to him; she didn't give a crap about the rest.

When the piano started playing the intro to the song, her stomach filled with nervous butterflies and she refused to meet his eyes. On second thought, maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. But as soon as that thought popped into her head, it had to go out again.

She pretended she had to look at the lyrics on screen so she wouldn't have to look at his face while she found her confidence.

"I don't know what I've done-
Or if I like what I've begun.
But something told me to run,
And, honey, you know me;
It's all or none.
There were sounds in my head,
Little voices whispering,
That I should go and this should end
And oh I found myself listening."

She knew she wasn't the best performer, staring at a screen while people applauded her to tell her to keep going and that she was doing great.

She didn't look to his side of the bar, instead she looked up at Meredith who was smiling at her, tears in her eyes as if she understood what was going on. Lexie knew she didn't really have a clue, or if she did, it was only a little one since the alcohol in her system had rushed to her brain.

"'Cause I don't know
Who I am- Who I am without you.
All I know is that I should.
And I don't know if I could stand,
Another hand upon you.
All I know is that I should.
'Cause she will love you,
More than I could.
She who dares to stand where I stood."

Lexie let out a loud breath of shaky air and closed her eyes, biting her lip as she took a deep breath and allowed her eyes to inch left a little bit, onto his side of the bar.

"See, I thought love was black and white,
That it was wrong or it was right.
But you aren't leaving without a fight,
And I think I'm just as torn inside.
'Cause I don't know
Who I am- Who I am without you.
All I know is that I should.
And I don't know if I could stand,
Another hand upon you.
All I know is that I should.
'Cause she will love you,
More than I could.
She who dares to stand where I stood."

And then she saw it. His movement out of the corner of his eye, and she couldn't help herself any longer. It was too late; there wasn't enough song left and she had to see if he'd gotten the message. So she turned her head and met his eyes, and suddenly, it was as if he wasn't sitting next to Addison with Owen and Derek across from them. It wasn't as if there was anybody else in the universe; just Mark and Lexie, while she sung her heart out on stage to him, hoping he understood what she was trying to say.

That this was it; she was finally letting him go.

"And I won't be far from where you are,
If ever you should call.
You mean more to me than anyone,
I ever loved at all.
And you taught me how to trust myself,
And so I say to you;
This is what I have to do…
'Cause I don't know
Who I am- Who I am without you.
All I know is that I should.
And I don't know if I could stand,
Another hand upon you.
All I know is that I should.
'Cause she will love you,
More than I could.
She who dares to stand where I stood.
She who dares to stand where I stood.
She who dares to stand where I stood."

By the end of the song, her eyes were fresh with unshed tears, and she didn't have enough time to hand the mic back to Joe, so she just left it on the table in front of Meredith, grabbed her coat, and ran out to the sound of her applause.

Tears were pouring down her cheeks and she was quickly walking away when she heard the bell ring that singled someone had followed her out of the bar.

She knew Meredith was just trying to take care of her, but she didn't care; she couldn't stay there while Mark was-

"Lexie!"

She stopped dead in her tracks at his words, her black heels sinking down into the white snow that had recently fallen and was still falling. Lexie knew soon her whole head would be covered in white snowflakes and she had to think that, even though she had to deal with all of this crap, it was still a beautiful time of year.

"What do you want, Mark?"

She hated that her voice gave her away. She didn't want to sound like she was going to burst into tears at any moment, she wanted to sound strong, like the song hadn't affected her at all, but she'd never be able to fool him, anyway. "What do you want, Mark?"

"What was that?"

She let out a breath. "It was a song, Mark."

"Just a song?" he asked, his voice obviously disbelieving. He didn't think she was telling the truth, and that was one of the things she'd always loved about him; he could tell when she was lying, he could tell when she was hurting and he could tell when she needed him.

"Just a song." Lexie agreed, nodding her head.

She still hadn't turned around, her back was still facing him, so he didn't see the tears that were threatening to spill over the edge at any second.

"Cut the bullshit, Lex. It's me; I know you better than you know yourself! That was not just a song. That meant something." He snapped.

She felt her shoulders sag in defeat. "What do you want from me, Mark?"

He didn't take any time to say it. He didn't take any time to think about his words before his mouth opened and he started speaking. "The truth would be nice!"

Lexie couldn't help herself. She spun around, hands thrown out by her sides. "You want the truth?! Okay, let's tell you the truth! I miss you so fucking badly, Mark! And it's not just some of the time; it's constant, pounding at me like my heart beats. That's why me and Jackson broke up; because he knew that he didn't mean anything! He knew I didn't have feelings for him because I was still so wrapped up in you! SO I'M TRYING TO GET OVER YOU! And I'm trying to make it so you can live without me! If I can't have you as my boyfriend, I need you as a friend in my life, so I need to let you go. I need to stop living this fantasy in my head that you're going to come back to me and we're going to get our happily ever after, when you're with Addison!"

Mark stood there, wide-eyed and open-mouthed while Lexie yelled at him. She took a second to take deep breath and swipe at her cheeks were her tears were free falling. "Do you know what I do? After we've had a case together or sometimes just late at night when I can't top thinking about you? I sit on the floor of my bedroom, wearing your clothes, just because they smell like you and for a moment it gives me comfort. But walking into a bar, hoping to have an excuse to talk to you, and seeing you with your ex-sex-buddy? Well that just hurts more than anything, Mark. So, yeah, that's the truth. The song was more than just a song; the song was me telling you … The song was me telling you I have to let you go, because it hurts to much to be around you, and not tell you that I'm still in love with you."

She stood there, panting from the speech she'd made in two breaths, feeling sorry and hurt and wanting nothing more than to go home, curl up in his clothes, with the teddy-bear he'd brought her, in her bed and watch old movies until she cried herself to sleep.

All of a sudden, it was as if Mark woke up from a trance. "I'm not with Addison."

Lexie looked down at the ground, not wanting to believe the words she was hearing in case they weren't true. But then she chastised herself for thinking that. Mark was a lot of things, in the time she'd known him, but he'd never been a liar. Not to her, anyway.

"I'm not with Addison, and I don't want you to let me go."

He heart beat quickened as he took a step towards her. She knew she should have taken a step back; she needed distance to think, but she couldn't move. Because those were the words she wanted to hear. Those were the words she needed to hear.

"Don't let me go, Little Grey."

As he said the words, his right hand slowly moved up to cup her cheek and without thinking, she leant into it, silently telling him it was alright.

Without need for any more reassurance, he grabbed her and tightly pulled her up against him like if he didn't hold her right then and there he would surely die.

"We don't work well together, Mark." Lexie whispered.

Mark wouldn't let her move, not even if she wanted and tried to, neither of which she did. For the first time in a long time, she felt safe where she was, her head tucked into the crook of his neck, her tears wetting the front his plain white shirt. "No, we work together well. It's just I keep letting you walk out on me."

Her stomach dropped again and she bit her lip like she always did when she got nervous. It was one of the things he loved about her, apparently. In … other circumstances, it drove him crazy and made him horny as hell. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

He could have said anything in the world. He could have been the biggest jerk in the world, but instead he decided that he would take the more gentlemanly road. "We both made our mistakes, Lex. We both did things we shouldn't be proud of. But it's what we do after the mistakes that matter."

Lexie didn't give him a second to think about it; instead she stood on her tipy-toes so she didn't have to pull his lips down so she could kiss him, and brought her lips up to his.

As he welcomed her familiar kiss, he couldn't believe how many butterflies were rushing through his stomach at that perfect moment. The moment where she rang her tongue along his bottom lip, and he opened his mouth, granting her full access to do as she liked with him.

As their tongues met in a moment full of passion and loss of the months they'd spent apart, Lexie didn't know anything other than the love she felt for him. The love she'd never get over, no matter how hard she may try.

"Come home with me?"

He didn't have to ask twice before they were walking, hand in hand towards his car.

"We need to talk."

Mark groaned something that resembled 'yes', in his still high and happy state after the mind-blowing love they had just made. "Mmm?"

"I need to know … I need to know what this is Mark. What we are. Because when my friends ask me 'where did you get off to last night', do I say I had fantastic sex with this guy or do I say-"

"Tell your noisy friends that you had fantastic sex with your boyfriend. With the guy you're going to spend the rest of your life with. Tell your friends you had fantastic sex with your boyfriend, Lex."

Settling every question she needed answered, she smiled, looking at the headboard while he stroke little lace patterns on her back.

She was lying on top of him, still, her legs sprawled on either side of him, her chest on his chest, her head resting on his shoulder. She'd tried to move a number of times, not because she was uncomfortable, but for fear of squishing him.

There was no question that she'd put on a few pounds since she and Mark had broken up the last time, leaving her heart in a million pieces. She'd walked around Meredith's house in nothing but one of his T-Shirts and new underwear for one week straight. Then started the baking. Meredith had told her she'd turned into Izzie, since she was making and eating that much. But Lexie couldn't help it; it was a healing method for her.

"What did you say to everyone before you left?" Lexie yawned, closing her eyes and finally resting her head on the pillow that was next to his shoulder for her.

"Nothing."

She smiled into the satin pillow, disbelievingly. "Nothing?"

She could feel him move his body as he shook his head. "Nothing. You left and I rang straight out after you. I knew there was something different; that it wasn't just a song, and I had to get the answer out of you. Plus, Joe had been glaring at me all night as if I'd killed his boyfriend, so I knew something was up. I knew I'd done something or other to hurt you or make you angry or sad, I just couldn't figure out what it was. Then you blew me off at the bar…"

"I thought you were with Addison!" she shot back defensively. "I wasn't going to be around you and hurt that badly when I thought your girlfriend was shooting daggers in my back."

He stilled for a moment before he went back to stroking her back. "Addie will always be a part of my life, but not like that. She'll always be a friend, because I thought I was in love with her once upon a time. But there's not another Little Grey. There's not another Alexandra."

The smile that came off her face from him using her full name was enough to make a monkey cry, and she tightened her grip of his biceps.

She'd always been a sucker for his biceps. His abs. Pretty much his body. But it was his personality that had brought her to fall in love with him; nothing to do with his looks whatsoever.

They settled into another easy silence until Mark went and opened his big mouth. Right before she drifted off to sleep, too. If she hadn't been so happy that they'd just gotten back together, she would've been upset or pissed off that he'd kept her from sleep when she had to work in the morning. (IN 6 HOURS AS HIS ALARM CLOCK WOULD REMIND HER WHEN SHE TRIED TO SMASH IT IN THE MORNING).

"I have a question for you," Mark still sounded happy, but he'd gotten off his high enough to speak, at least.

Lexie was waiting for 'On a scale of one to ten how mind-blowing was that sex?', but it never came. Instead, the question she never thought she'd hear in a million years came out.

"Will you marry me?"

Lexie's eyes widened and she put her hands on Mark's chest, pushing up so she could see his face. "Excuse me?"

"Marry me, Lex." He whispered, smiling. He put his hands up and stroked her hair away from his face. "Marry me."

While her brain was screaming one word at her, she had to keep the sadness out of her voice while she spoke to him. "Mark, we just got back together-"

"And we belong together. There's no denying it, Lex. If we get married, you won't be able to walk out and I'll be the happiest man on the planet," his words left tingles in her belly. "So … marry me?"

She couldn't help herself. She knew she shouldn't do it; she knew it was the wrong thing to do. But as she looked into his eyes and felt the eagerness he was feeling, she couldn't help herself. She knew what she had to do. "Yes. Of course I'll marry you."