The Secret Life of a Fire Nation Teenager
An entire stack of tawdry, cheap romance novels sat in Mai's wardrobe, pushed to the back and covered by layers of clothing that no longer fit. School was finished for the day and the thirteen year old was bored. She rifled through the pile and selected one at random. Smiling, she flopped down on her bed, making certain her door was locked first, and began to read.
"Oh, Shinji, you're so big and strong." The noblewoman fluttered her eyelashes at the servant. "What would I do without you?"
Mai giggled and flipped through the pages. She'd read them all once before. Curious, Mai had snatched them from her mother's collection. The fact her mother read such trash made her giggle more. The woman hadn't missed them yet. Or if she had, wouldn't mention it. That would be admitting her little vice. And Mai's mother liked to maintain a certain reputation, to maintain an aura of dignity.
"I'm sure you'd manage, my lady?" He smiled and it was like the sun coming out. He pulled out his topknot and tossed his head. Shiny brown hair cascaded over his shoulders, catching the light.
The woman swooned. "Please, let me do something for you." She grabbed her robes, fighting the urge to just tear them off and let the servant have his way with hr.
"Mai, dinner is served. Come downstairs."
She could hear her mother climbing the staircase to the second floor. Stuffing the book under her pillow, Mai jumped up, smoothed down her robes and stepped to the door, opening it before her mother could.
"I'm ready, Mother."
"Mai, you're not getting ill, are you?" She placed a hand on Mai's forehead. "You look flushed. And you feel warm."
"I'm fine. It's just stuffy in my room." Mai brushed her mother's hand away. "I'm hungry."
The woman let loose a delicate, lady like sigh. She was a young girl once too but that didn't seem to help her understand Mai.
~~~~0000~~~~
Ty Lee gasped, sucking in a huge amount of air and holding it before letting it out with a whoosh. "Mai, you wouldn't."
"Ty Lee, I would."
Brazen and bold, Mai entered the 'adult' book shop, a seedy place, small and cramped, tucked away between two more respectable businesses as though it were ashamed of itself. The proprietor was busy counting money and did not even spare her a glance. She turned around and nodded at her friend through the window. Mai could feel Ty Lee's anxiety from inside.
With casual grace, Mai browsed the shop. She touched the spines of the books with a pale fingertip, reading the oddly pretentious sounding titles, trying to imagine exactly what might be going on in each story. Her mother's romance novels only took things so far. After several readings, they grew tiresome. It wasn't as though they were great literature to begin with. Such books served a purpose and that was to provide fantasy fodder for unfulfilled women. They were ridiculous and poorly written and immensely popular. If there were such books for unfulfilled men, Mai was unaware.
By her third reading, Mai had begun to place herself in the role of the woman (heroine did not fit) and Zuko in the role of the man. Neither would ever speak such words or act in such a nauseating, over the top manner, but her actions breathed new life into the stories. Sometimes it hurt to think of Zuko and sometimes it helped. Mai retained the hope that one day they would see each other again. That hope both kept her going and kept her in one place. But she would not let it go, she would not let Zuko go. She couldn't.
"Going to make a selection?" The shop owner watched her now. "You're a bit young, aren't you?" He snickered then showing yellow teeth. "I won't tell if you won't."
Mai shuddered. "I'm old enough," she declared though just then she felt very out of her element and very, very young.
Hating the feel of his eyes on her, Mai ventured further into the store. The lighting was dim at best and she had to squint to read the titles. Pulling out a thick volume, she skimmed through a few pages. Her eyes bulged slightly and her cheeks reddened. It was a keeper. Randomly selecting three more, Mai walked to the counter.
"Ah, yeah, this is a good one; a real classic. You'll enjoy it, I'm sure." He pawed at the book as if somehow the scenes could be transmitted through his fingers and into his brain.
"Good to know; could you wrap them up, please?"
"Of course, anything for a pretty young miss. Wouldn't want anyone to see what you bought, now would you?" He laughed and the laugh became a long, drawn out cough.
Mai stepped back a bit. "How much?"
"Because you're so pretty, I'll give you a discount."
"I don't want a discount." She gave the man her most derisive eye roll. "How much?"
"Three copper pieces." All pretense of friendliness was gone. He wrapped the books with thick, clumsy fingers and pushed them across the counter.
Mai dug inside her little drawstring bag and found the money. Putting it down, she picked up her package and left.
~~~~0000~~~~
Outside, Ty Lee paced the street, looking this way and that as if she expected one of their parents or parents' friends to spot them there. When she saw Mai her smile returned, brilliant and pure, the kind of smile Mai envied.
"Finally," the grey eyed girl declared. She lowered her voice. "Did you get what you wanted?"
She bounced along the street, her braid swinging, looking this way and that, eager to take in all that she could.
"I think so." Mai quickened her pace, trying to keep up with Ty Lee.
"The guy looked creepy. Was he creepy? I didn't see anyone else in the store. Was there? I would have burst inside and chi blocked him if he tried something. I have to do that with boys a lot."
Ty Lee was pretty and at twelve already curvaceous. Most boys in and around their age, older too, were drawn to her, pulled, like waves to the shore. The attention was fun sometimes, but it also overwhelmed the girl. If the boys got too aggressive, Ty Lee immobilized them.
Mai didn't have the same problem. She was lovely, tall and lean, and clever but her sarcasm and general disinterest dissuaded most potential suitors. Pulling out one of her hidden blades, Mai showed it to Ty Lee. "I would have taken care of him. But thanks."
"Come on, Mai." Ty Lee gave her friend's sleeve a tug. "Let's get some ice cream."
They sat by one of Capitol City's many fountains, gobbling the treat up before it melted. It was almost midday and the sun made their skin prickle. Mai dipped one hand into the water. She watched the little ripples spread out from the disturbance. Moving her fingers she created more.
"I should buy something else, Ty Lee, something that my mother would approve of."
"Oh, oh, yeah, okay; how about something for your hair or a bracelet or a proper book." She laughed. "Your mother will flip if she finds those things, Mai, even more than my mother would."
"She won't find them." Mai shrugged. "My mother hates coming in my room anyway. I think she's afraid, so she stays away. Still, one day, she might get nosey. I'll find a better hiding spot."
They wandered about after, browsing in different shops. Mai finally decided on a cloth bound notebook, a diary of sorts, along with a set of hairpins. The package of erotica Mai tucked inside her robes once they approached her house.
In one of those sudden bursts of affection she was known for, Ty Lee hugged her friend tight. "I had fun today, Mai. We should do it again. Okay?"
"Okay," Mai agreed with more reserve, patting her friend on the back.
"Bye, Mai."
And the girl wearing pink was gone.
~~~~0000~~~~
Mai was pleased to discover that her mother was out. She climbed the stairs, the family's two servants paying her no mind, and once on the landing, rushed into her room, shutting and locking the door behind her. The girl surveyed the large space that was all hers, trying to determine the best hiding spot for her new books.
The notebook and hairpins she placed on her desk and dressing table respectively. If her mother asked, Mai would show them to her.
"Where, where, where?" Mai mused.
She paced the room, package in hand, before dropping to the floor and looking under her bed. Spotting a shelf of sorts between the headboard and the bed's main frame, Mai decided. But she had time to read first.
Devoured
"Sounds interesting," Mai whispered.
The opening chapters were dull and she skimmed through. By chapter three, the 'action' increased.
The prince…
How could she not think of Zuko?
…stared at the row of maidens, each one as fresh and lovely as a flower in spring. One was more beautiful though, her skin dew kissed and pale, her frame delicate, her eyes wide and guileless, full of hope.
'Pick me' they said. 'I'm the one for you, Prince Miko. Devour me. I'm yours.'
The prince was drawn to her, pulled along by invisible strings, helpless. "You?" He only managed that one word; wrenched from his throat, it was more of a strangled moan.
"Me?" she replied. "Oh, I'll make you so happy. You won't be sorry. You won't be."
"Ugh," Mai groaned as she flipped ahead a few more pages. Suddenly the prince and the maiden, soon to lose that moniker, were ensconced within the royal chambers and clothing was torn off, shredded like so much cabbage for soup, left on the floor while the two writhed together in the bed.
Mai's eyes widened just a bit as she continued.
"So that's what….oh, oh, OH…." She turned pink then and her entire body emanated heat. Mai wondered if she might set her bed on fire.
She raced through the remainder of the book and then the other two. That night, Mai drifted into slumber as she imagined her and Zuko doing the things that the men and women in the books did. Little details she could recall about the Fire Nation prince, like the warm gold of his eyes, the fire inside that made him almost glow, the way he shuffled his feet when he spoke to her, were incorporated. It almost seemed real.
"But imagining might be all I ever get," she whispered to herself.
With that thought, a shattering one, Mai went to sleep.
~~~~0000~~~~
"I need more," the raven haired girl stated simply. "The ones I have bore me now. You don't have to come with me, Ty Lee."
"Well, when you think about it Mai, won't all the stories be sort of the same." Ty Lee cleared her throat and fidgeted. "Don't they all end up with the man and the woman, doing, you know, that thing they do."
Her friend had her there. "I suppose you're right."
Smiling now and excited, Ty Lee grabbed hold of Mai's hand and squeezed. "I'll bet you could write better stories. You're smart, Mai, and you know things now. Try it!"
Mai was taken aback. She'd never considered writing stories, certainly not romance ones. "Um, really?"
"Yeah; maybe you could get them published."
"My parents would die." Mai smirked.
"You could use a fake name and no one would know it's you."
The idea had a certain appeal. But Mai intuitively knew that her feelings for Zuko would creep into her words, insinuating themselves like daytime thoughts wormed their way into one's dreams. And her feelings were not for public consumption, no matter how they might be disguised.
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "I would never publish anything." Ty Lee looked immediately downcast. "But I think I'll try writing. I'll save money anyway."
"Good, Mai; you need something besides your knives."
"To keep my mind off Zuko, you mean?"
"Uh, I guess. I just don't want you all sad. I know you miss him, Mai. But if you keep really busy, maybe you'll forget him, for awhile at least."
"You don't get it, Ty Lee. I don't want to forget Zuko. I don't want to forget him, ever." Mai turned on her heel and faced away from her friend. She fumed inside.
"I'm sorry, Mai. I didn't mean it like that…I….write about Zuko then. Write stories about you and him. Write whatever you like." She moved so that she faced Mai once more. "I'm really sorry."
"Don't worry about it." Mai dismissed the exchange. Ty Lee never meant harm. She just spoke with unrestrained enthusiasm, not always thinking her words through.
"So, do you still wanna go, shopping, I mean?" She linked her arm through Mai's. "We don't have to go to that place. We could look at pretty things or maybe go to a weapon's shop. A new knife might cheer you up."
"Yeah, sure." Mai felt deflated but didn't want to disappoint her friend.
She was distracted for the rest of the afternoon, her head filled with story ideas and scenarios involving her and Zuko. Mai felt full to bursting and wanted only to get home so that she could begin.
~~~~0000~~~~
It felt strange, analyzing her own character, putting down in words what she was, as if that could ever really be done. People were far too complex for that. But she tried. She looked at herself without wavering. Mai did not always like what she saw.
The sullen girl who rarely smiled spotted the prince in the distance. She stiffened for a moment, unsure whether she should approach him or not. She wanted to, wanted to so badly that her entire body ached with that desire. But did he want her? Was she more than just his sister's friend, more than an annoyance?
Hardening her heart, preparing for the worst, Mai edged forward bit by bit. When the prince felt her presence and looked up, he acknowledged her with a shy smile.
"Mai, hi; I'm glad you're here."
"Hi," she managed to mutter.
"I was about to go inside for something to eat. Have you had dinner yet? Or are you here to see Azula?" The prince flushed, his own brazenness shocking him.
"No, well, yeah, but Azula doesn't care. And I could eat."
He walked toward Mai, stopping at her side. His hand brushed against hers. Mai's heart beat out a frenetic rhythm. He was so warm and he smelled so good and he was beautiful.
The young writer felt tears start. Stubborn, she dragged a hand across her eyes and continued.
Both were grateful that words were unnecessary. They ate, a meal hastily snatched from the palace kitchens, massive, steam filled rooms, rife with activity and noise. Sneaking away to some hidden alcove, they ate and laughed and touched each other with hesitant hands.
"I've always liked you, Mai. You're not like them." He made a vague gesture towards the corridor.
Mai had an idea of who he meant by 'them'; the sycophantic girls and their sycophantic parents who tried so desperately to get close to Zuko, Azula, cold and ruthless, out only to damage and control. None of those people cared for the prince. She cared. Mai saw the kindness and compassion that everyone else seemed to dismiss. She saw the hurt and wanted to make it better.
She found herself staring and then felt the heat colour her alabaster skin. Zuko placed one finger on her cheek and traced the outline of bone. Blushing himself, the prince leaned in and kissed Mai.
Mai gnawed at the soft flesh of her lower lip. She placed a finger on it then, and gave into fantasy, imagining Zuko's lips against hers, the warmth seeping in through that flesh and entering her body. Her mind was a potent place and the sensations she felt were very real.
"Not real enough, though," she stated mournfully. She put her head down, resting her forehead against the desk for a moment before continuing.
Strong hands gripped Mai's shoulders and pulled her closer.
"I've dreamed about this," the prince whispered. "So many times…"
Mai nodded, acknowledging his declaration and letting Zuko know that she experienced the same type of dreams.
Neither knew what they were doing, not exactly, but the need to touch, to bury themselves in each other, overrode their inexperience and caution. They fumbled with now clumsy hands, tugging at clothing, yanking at stubborn sashes. The more he touched, the warmer Zuko's fingers became. They almost burned her skin.
"Careful," she warned as he stroked her naked shoulder. 'But not too careful' she was too bashful to add.
They ended up on the floor, their breathing harsh and ragged, clothing in colourful piles all around them, two bodies so close that they seemed like one.
Mai's breath came in hard little puffs, in and out, in and out, quickly. She pushed back from her desk and stood before running to the window and some hope of cooler air. Zuko was almost like a living figure in her head now. Fancifully, Mai wondered if she would be able to touch him should she somehow reach inside her skull and poke around. That was a silly thought and she shook her head clear of it.
The minutes had hurried by while she wrote and the sun had almost completed its downward journey, leaving the sky an array of pinks and purples with fading strips of orange. She could not deny its beauty, the presence of orange notwithstanding. Zuko might be watching the same sunset from somewhere else, some exotic port perhaps or the cold steel deck of his little ship, the Fire Nation navy reject.
When he left, for a brief time, she chastised herself for not just leaving with him, despite any objections, despite rage, despite her parents. Here in Capitol City she was aimless and lost. School, almost finished anyway, was a waste of her time. Her knife throwing kept her sane and it made her proud. Self taught, Mai was good and getting better. But where would that be useful? When would she throw a blade and have it matter?
Her heart felt like lead as she sighed and headed back to her desk, closing up her notebook and stuffing it away somewhere safe. Mai was hungry now and her stomach lurched and rumbled, begging for sustenance.
"Let it go for now," she ordered herself. "Just eat and sleep and dream."
~~~~0000~~~~
"How did it go?" Mai's acrobat friend did two cartwheels, landing perfectly. She folded her arms and peered at Mai. "Did you write anything? Would you let me read it?"
"I did and no." The taller girl quirked her eyebrows up as if to add, 'You actually thought I would?'
"Worth a shot," Ty Lee quipped. "So…."
"No details, nothing; it's private."
"Okay, but if you change your mind…."
"Not going to happen; let's change the subject."
"Well, did you study for the history test?"
Mai shook her head. She really didn't need to study.
"Did you get Azula's invitation for tomorrow?"
Mai rolled her eyes and nodded.
"Are you going?"
Shrugging, Mai walked away, toward her family's back garden. She pulled a knife out, flipped it into the air and caught it deftly. Once it was in her hand again, she aimed at the garden's central tree, a massive oak. The blade penetrated bark and wavered for a moment before settling.
"I'm going; it's not like I have much choice anyway. Doesn't your mom want you to spend as much time with Azula as possible?"
"Yes, but I don't always do what my mother wants."
"Oh, oh yeah…"
Mai couldn't concentrate on her friend. Her mind was bursting with thoughts of Zuko. "Look, Ty Lee, no offense, but I'd rather be alone."
"Sure, I understand. Um, I'll see you at school tomorrow, right?"
"Right."
Mai watched as her friend exited by the garden gate. She felt a mild sense of guilt, not enough to call Ty Lee back. Deciding on a bench in the shade, Mai sat, leaning her head back and staring up through the leaves. She closed her eyes and drifted off.
Later that night she wrote more and most nights for the next year and a half. By the time she actually, finally reunited with Zuko, Mai had quite a collection.
~~~~0000~~~~
No amount of imagining and no amount of dreams prepared Mai for her first glimpse of Zuko in three years. Everything was different. He was a man now, no longer the boy who crept away from the palace in the early morning hours, shame, anger, determination and despair all at war within him. The burn he'd received was a terrible scar, all shades of red and pink, the flesh uneven and puckered.
Part of her wanted to run to him there in the hallway near his room where she had tracked him down. The lights flickered and shadows moved across his face. He looked broken, altered by experiences Mai had no concept of. But he looked somehow stronger too, hardened by three years away from home.
Could she fix him? Mai doubted she or anyone had the means. He would have to fix himself. But she could make things better and she intended to.
"Are you trying to avoid me; after three years?"
One hand was on the door handle. He paused and turned about. He wanted to smile. Mai could sense that. It was more of a grimace, however, something painful to watch.
"Mai," he croaked. "I didn't…when did you…"
"I've been looking for you all day. Azula…" He jerked when she uttered his sister's name. "It doesn't matter. I found you."
She approached with caution as she might walk toward a frightened animal, one hand out, her own lips quivering.
"Mai," he said again, this time more softly. "You're, I….."
"Shhh," the young woman hushed him.
She placed one hand on each cheek, making no distinction, stroking his skin, sending her own brand of fire along the delicate network of nerves. He calmed and leaned in to her, pressing his forehead to hers.
They kissed then, all tentative and soft, hands exploring. Leaving all words behind, seeking solace and affirmation, reopening that connection that was severed so long ago, they tumbled into Zuko's room. Neither was self conscious now. They tore off restrictive clothing, cheeks pink, eyes filled with longing, bodies taut with need.
Three years of dreams and wishes and stories came to fruition. Nothing could have prepared Mai for the reality of lovemaking either. No story, hers or any others, got the intensity, the passion, the heat, the joining of two souls quite right. None even came close. She felt as though she died and was then reborn in that bed.
Afterwards, Zuko worried and wondered if they'd pushed things too soon. Mai soothed him again, her hand on his brow, her lips on his temple. There were no words, nothing that could describe how she felt at that moment. She basked in Zuko's glow like an animal sunning itself. She soaked up his warmth and stared into gold eyes that were happy and sad. And she was at peace.
~~~0000~~~~