The Fellowship of the Ring
(As Read In Between the Lines)
You may think that you know what the Fellowship is all about. You may be under the impression that the Fellowship of The Ring is one big heroic group of guys that go on a big adventure to destroy the One Ring, but then there are some things that you don't know.
It all began on a sunny day in the shire when Frodo woke up to see Sam standing over him, breathing heavily.
"That's it Sam!! I thought we ended this last night. I told you that things were getting too weird and that you had to go back to your own hobbit hole!" Frodo cried as he sat up in bed. Then he realized that he was not in his bed, but in the bathtub and Sam was about to get in.
"But Mr. Frodo, I was about to get my bath on," Sam protested.
"NO!!!" Frodo shrieked in a high pitched, girlish voice. "Gandalf, Gandalf!"
A tall wizard entered and said, "Samwise Gamgee, that is quite enough. If you have nothing to do, you can go and trim the hedges. Out now." Sam muttered something about remaining with your own kind and left, his bright and perky mood considerably dampened.
"Oh Gandalf, I knew you would come," Frodo said very happily. Gandalf then proceeded to give Frodo an after-bath massage. Frodo giggled with pleasure.
Later that evening Gandalf and Frodo tied Sam up in the closet and went for a walk. They walked around in Frodo's beautiful garden and discussed their plans for what they would do when they were married. They were in the middle of discussing what was better, chocolate, plain, or low fat whipped cream when Sam burst out of the bushes. Frodo gritted his teeth and tried his best to smile at his former lover.
"Sam, what are you doing here?" Frodo asked.
Sam wore a sad look on his round face. He was still upset about the night before when Frodo told him that it was over.
"But I was supposed to bring the cherries!" Sam cried.
"Samwise, why were you listening to us and how on Earth did you get out of that closet?" Gandalf demanded.
"Easy," Sam said with a huge grin. "I bit the ropes."
"Remind me to order a hobbit size straightjacket," Gandalf whispered to Frodo.
"For me?" Frodo whispered excitedly.
"No," Gandalf whispered back. "You get the handcuffs."
"Sam, we really need a while alone, Frodo said. Sam did not take the hint and they finally convinced him to run to the store and pick up some cherries. (Gandalf had secretly arranged for Merry and Pippin to meet him there and keep him occupied so he and Frodo could have a romantic evening together.)
"Frodo I have something to show you." Said Gandalf.
"Oh, Gandalf." Squeaked Frodo slyly yet excitedly. "Not until the honeymoon."
"No, no. Although. oh, never mind I must stay on track. Anyway, here." Replied Gandalf, as he gave Frodo a ring.
"Ring, what am I supposed to do with this?" Frodo asked confused.
Gandalf chuckled to himself. " No, no, I'm getting off track again. Whatever you do with it, do not put it on. That is the Dark Lord, Sauron's ring."
"You give me this ring secondhand! Did you steal it from Bilbo when you broke up?" Frodo cried.
"What do you take me for, you ungrateful little hobbit?" Gandalf yelled, "The reason I am giving you this is because it is a great object of power that we are going to go destroy. I hear Mount Doom is wonderful at this time of year."
Frodo was quiet. "Is that for our honeymoon?"
"No we have to go right now. Those crazy drunk wraiths are already on their way because that stinker whore Gollum gave away some info," Gandalf said.
Frodo threw his arms in the air and shouted, "Rushing, rushing! You are always rushing! Why must we take our honeymoon before we are married? I have morals, you know, Gandalf!"
"Frodo, Frodo, why is your head so far up your ass?" Gandalf said, losing his temper.
"Gandalf! I thought you loved me!" Frodo began to cry and collapsed on the ground. For a few moments, he was inconsolable.
"Frodo," Gandalf called softly. "You know I love you. But we have a mission to go on, I will respect your morals until we are married, I promise. Though I don't see why you are so bothered. You slept with Sam for years!" Gandalf said with just of a hint of jealousy.
"No!" Frodo said in denial. Then Sam jumped out of a bush.
"Oh yes you did Mr. Frodo!" He exclaimed.
Merry and Pippin followed close behind. "We didn't mean to lose track of him!"
"It was your fault, Merry!" Pippin accused.
"It was not!" Pippin retorted. They bickered for a few minutes and then began rolling around on the ground and slapping each other.
"Enough, enough, you are getting me riled up just by watching you," Gandalf said. Frodo gave him a look of disgust.
It had been a long night and Frodo was tired. He did not protest when Sam climbed into his bed. But it wasn't long before Gandalf crept into the house and woke Frodo.
"C'mon, let's go," Gandalf whispered so he wouldn't wake Sam.
"Right now? But I thought you said we were going to wait until our real honeymoon," Frodo said, confused. "Besides, how we will get around Sam?"
"You fool! I meant it is time to leave. You know, our trip to Mount Doom. The last time I was there, there was a five star resort. Maybe I can convince you to.." Gandalf said.
"No! Let's just go and try not to wake Sam. I can use a vacation from him," Frodo said.
They snuck out of the house. Sam awoke to find that Frodo was not beside him. He screamed. Frodo and Gandalf were already well on their way. Sam ran down to Merry and Pippin's house as fast as he could, which wasn't very fast because he was a little on the chubby side. The three of them ran all the way until they caught up with Frodo. (Gandalf had already left, promising that he would meet him at the Prancing Pony. He had some loose ends to take care of with an old boyfriend.)
"Sam? Merry? Pippin? What are you doing here?" Frodo asked. "The better question is what are you doing here, Mr. Frodo? You left me all alone!" Sam said, sounding genuinely hurt.
"Sam, it's over. I'm with Gandalf now and we are not having a threesome," Frodo told him gently.
Meanwhile in Isengard..
Gandalf arrived in Isengard, a place that held many memories of a bad relationship with a fellow wizard, Saruman. He sighed. This would not be easy. Saruman was one to hold a grudge, and Gandalf was certain that he was still angry about when he had walked out on him to start a romance with Bilbo Baggins. Saruman had never understood Gandalf's fascination for hobbits.
Yep, Saruman was still mad. At first he acted like he wasn't, but then when they went inside his tower, things got ugly. Gandalf was only managing to make him angrier, which generally was not a good thing.
Saruman lifted his staff above his head and yelled, "Remember this? It was your favorite plaything!" He began to shoot sparks at Gandalf.
"Stop it! Stop it! You know that makes me horny!" Gandalf screamed. It pretty much went downhill after that, especially since Saruman realized Gandalf's weakness. He imprisoned Gandalf and made him do obscene things that shall not be put into the story.
Back In Bree..
It was raining and Sam was having a fantasy about taking a warm shower with Frodo. It did not occur to him that Frodo was looking forward to getting to the Prancing Pony because then he would be reunited with Gandalf. Unfortunately, Gandalf was not there and Frodo was sad. Sam was not though. Merry and Pippin could really care less because they had each other.
They had a very chilling experience on the way to Bree when they were chased by the ring wraiths. Frodo vaguely remembered that Gandalf had told him that the word "Nazgûl" had another meaning as well, which was "rape wraith". Frodo remembered that he had said "oh my virgin ears!", and then later remembered that he was not a virgin.
Merry and Pippin were busy getting themselves ridiculously drunk, which isn't that hard when you are that small, when Frodo spotted a stranger lurking in a corner. Sam saw him too, and did not like his look. (Sam saw everyone as a threat to steal Frodo.) Sam was dragging Merry and Pippin up to the room that they were all sharing when he realized that Frodo wasn't with him. He screamed and dropped Merry on his head and ran to find Frodo.
Frodo, at the time, was with the man called Strider, who he secretly found incredibly sexy. Strider was thinking of what Frodo would look like naked. He was saying something about being afraid, but Frodo was distracted by something that was about at his eye level.
Sam came bursting through the door.
"Damn, I forgot to lock the door again," Strider muttered.
"I'll kill you if you hurt Mr. Frodo!" Sam shrieked.
"I'm not going to hurt him. I just might..." Strider began to say something, but didn't. It had suddenly occurred to him what Sam's relationship with Frodo was.
Oh, sorry little one I had no idea with you and."Strider began to say before being cut off by Frodo, who realized the disappointment in Strider's eyes.
"There's nothing between me and Sam," Frodo whispered so only Strider could hear.
Strider smiled slyly until he glanced at Sam and cleared his throat.
Somehow, they all ended up in Strider's room, rather in their own hobbit-sized room. They also all ended up in one bed, which really bothered Sam. He had specifically requested a bed for just him and Frodo. He was worried that Strider was going to pull something. He made sure to situate himself between the two of them.
In the morning they left Bree, Sam grumbling something about having no fun in sexual abstinence. He now had a pretty new pony to stare at. Sam tried to push the thoughts of doing something irrational with Bill the pony. Next to Bill, Strider's seems minimal, Sam thought smugly. And he is only a pony.
Sam spent the whole day with Bill. Frodo chatted with Strider. What a slut, Sam thought. Who that was directed at, he had not decided.
By night they were at Weathertop. Merry and Pippin had to start a fire since they were pyromaniacs, and Aragorn had been too busy trying to touch Frodo's butt that he had forgot to hide anything that was a fire hazard.
Aragorn realized his mistake when he saw them approaching. "Oh shit, I forgot to hide all things flammable in my pants again, didn't I?" It was a good thing that Frodo was sleeping when Aragorn said this because otherwise he would have had perverted little fantasies about being in Aragorn's pants.
Unfortunately, the rape wraiths also happened to be extreme pyromaniacs. The brilliant glow of the fire attracted them. Some speculate that they also wanted Frodo in their pants. So they arrived on their tall black horses and went after Frodo first, since he was closest to the fire. Three of them were attacking Frodo. Merry had two all to himself.
"Why does this always happen to me?" Merry cried. "Is it because I am fat?"
"Of course you aren't fat! You are skinny, and very attractive too!" Pippin said.
"Oh I love you Pippin!" Merry said. They grabbed each other and started rolling around on the ground again. At least they didn't have to worry about being stabbed anymore. The wraiths were so disgusted that a couple of them (the homophobic ones) started throwing up.
But Frodo was in a great deal of danger. Several of the wraiths were coming after him. They surrounded him and the leader of them whipped out his sword and stabbed Frodo with it. But it wasn't the type of sword you might think.
It was clear that Frodo was badly affected by the attack; emotionally and physically. He needed help or he would die.
~*Author's Note~ yes I know this is so incredibly dirty! Please don't be offended it is supposed to be funny after all! I love LOTR too so this isn't how I really think of it! Please R&R!!*~
You may think that you know what the Fellowship is all about. You may be under the impression that the Fellowship of The Ring is one big heroic group of guys that go on a big adventure to destroy the One Ring, but then there are some things that you don't know.
It all began on a sunny day in the shire when Frodo woke up to see Sam standing over him, breathing heavily.
"That's it Sam!! I thought we ended this last night. I told you that things were getting too weird and that you had to go back to your own hobbit hole!" Frodo cried as he sat up in bed. Then he realized that he was not in his bed, but in the bathtub and Sam was about to get in.
"But Mr. Frodo, I was about to get my bath on," Sam protested.
"NO!!!" Frodo shrieked in a high pitched, girlish voice. "Gandalf, Gandalf!"
A tall wizard entered and said, "Samwise Gamgee, that is quite enough. If you have nothing to do, you can go and trim the hedges. Out now." Sam muttered something about remaining with your own kind and left, his bright and perky mood considerably dampened.
"Oh Gandalf, I knew you would come," Frodo said very happily. Gandalf then proceeded to give Frodo an after-bath massage. Frodo giggled with pleasure.
Later that evening Gandalf and Frodo tied Sam up in the closet and went for a walk. They walked around in Frodo's beautiful garden and discussed their plans for what they would do when they were married. They were in the middle of discussing what was better, chocolate, plain, or low fat whipped cream when Sam burst out of the bushes. Frodo gritted his teeth and tried his best to smile at his former lover.
"Sam, what are you doing here?" Frodo asked.
Sam wore a sad look on his round face. He was still upset about the night before when Frodo told him that it was over.
"But I was supposed to bring the cherries!" Sam cried.
"Samwise, why were you listening to us and how on Earth did you get out of that closet?" Gandalf demanded.
"Easy," Sam said with a huge grin. "I bit the ropes."
"Remind me to order a hobbit size straightjacket," Gandalf whispered to Frodo.
"For me?" Frodo whispered excitedly.
"No," Gandalf whispered back. "You get the handcuffs."
"Sam, we really need a while alone, Frodo said. Sam did not take the hint and they finally convinced him to run to the store and pick up some cherries. (Gandalf had secretly arranged for Merry and Pippin to meet him there and keep him occupied so he and Frodo could have a romantic evening together.)
"Frodo I have something to show you." Said Gandalf.
"Oh, Gandalf." Squeaked Frodo slyly yet excitedly. "Not until the honeymoon."
"No, no. Although. oh, never mind I must stay on track. Anyway, here." Replied Gandalf, as he gave Frodo a ring.
"Ring, what am I supposed to do with this?" Frodo asked confused.
Gandalf chuckled to himself. " No, no, I'm getting off track again. Whatever you do with it, do not put it on. That is the Dark Lord, Sauron's ring."
"You give me this ring secondhand! Did you steal it from Bilbo when you broke up?" Frodo cried.
"What do you take me for, you ungrateful little hobbit?" Gandalf yelled, "The reason I am giving you this is because it is a great object of power that we are going to go destroy. I hear Mount Doom is wonderful at this time of year."
Frodo was quiet. "Is that for our honeymoon?"
"No we have to go right now. Those crazy drunk wraiths are already on their way because that stinker whore Gollum gave away some info," Gandalf said.
Frodo threw his arms in the air and shouted, "Rushing, rushing! You are always rushing! Why must we take our honeymoon before we are married? I have morals, you know, Gandalf!"
"Frodo, Frodo, why is your head so far up your ass?" Gandalf said, losing his temper.
"Gandalf! I thought you loved me!" Frodo began to cry and collapsed on the ground. For a few moments, he was inconsolable.
"Frodo," Gandalf called softly. "You know I love you. But we have a mission to go on, I will respect your morals until we are married, I promise. Though I don't see why you are so bothered. You slept with Sam for years!" Gandalf said with just of a hint of jealousy.
"No!" Frodo said in denial. Then Sam jumped out of a bush.
"Oh yes you did Mr. Frodo!" He exclaimed.
Merry and Pippin followed close behind. "We didn't mean to lose track of him!"
"It was your fault, Merry!" Pippin accused.
"It was not!" Pippin retorted. They bickered for a few minutes and then began rolling around on the ground and slapping each other.
"Enough, enough, you are getting me riled up just by watching you," Gandalf said. Frodo gave him a look of disgust.
It had been a long night and Frodo was tired. He did not protest when Sam climbed into his bed. But it wasn't long before Gandalf crept into the house and woke Frodo.
"C'mon, let's go," Gandalf whispered so he wouldn't wake Sam.
"Right now? But I thought you said we were going to wait until our real honeymoon," Frodo said, confused. "Besides, how we will get around Sam?"
"You fool! I meant it is time to leave. You know, our trip to Mount Doom. The last time I was there, there was a five star resort. Maybe I can convince you to.." Gandalf said.
"No! Let's just go and try not to wake Sam. I can use a vacation from him," Frodo said.
They snuck out of the house. Sam awoke to find that Frodo was not beside him. He screamed. Frodo and Gandalf were already well on their way. Sam ran down to Merry and Pippin's house as fast as he could, which wasn't very fast because he was a little on the chubby side. The three of them ran all the way until they caught up with Frodo. (Gandalf had already left, promising that he would meet him at the Prancing Pony. He had some loose ends to take care of with an old boyfriend.)
"Sam? Merry? Pippin? What are you doing here?" Frodo asked. "The better question is what are you doing here, Mr. Frodo? You left me all alone!" Sam said, sounding genuinely hurt.
"Sam, it's over. I'm with Gandalf now and we are not having a threesome," Frodo told him gently.
Meanwhile in Isengard..
Gandalf arrived in Isengard, a place that held many memories of a bad relationship with a fellow wizard, Saruman. He sighed. This would not be easy. Saruman was one to hold a grudge, and Gandalf was certain that he was still angry about when he had walked out on him to start a romance with Bilbo Baggins. Saruman had never understood Gandalf's fascination for hobbits.
Yep, Saruman was still mad. At first he acted like he wasn't, but then when they went inside his tower, things got ugly. Gandalf was only managing to make him angrier, which generally was not a good thing.
Saruman lifted his staff above his head and yelled, "Remember this? It was your favorite plaything!" He began to shoot sparks at Gandalf.
"Stop it! Stop it! You know that makes me horny!" Gandalf screamed. It pretty much went downhill after that, especially since Saruman realized Gandalf's weakness. He imprisoned Gandalf and made him do obscene things that shall not be put into the story.
Back In Bree..
It was raining and Sam was having a fantasy about taking a warm shower with Frodo. It did not occur to him that Frodo was looking forward to getting to the Prancing Pony because then he would be reunited with Gandalf. Unfortunately, Gandalf was not there and Frodo was sad. Sam was not though. Merry and Pippin could really care less because they had each other.
They had a very chilling experience on the way to Bree when they were chased by the ring wraiths. Frodo vaguely remembered that Gandalf had told him that the word "Nazgûl" had another meaning as well, which was "rape wraith". Frodo remembered that he had said "oh my virgin ears!", and then later remembered that he was not a virgin.
Merry and Pippin were busy getting themselves ridiculously drunk, which isn't that hard when you are that small, when Frodo spotted a stranger lurking in a corner. Sam saw him too, and did not like his look. (Sam saw everyone as a threat to steal Frodo.) Sam was dragging Merry and Pippin up to the room that they were all sharing when he realized that Frodo wasn't with him. He screamed and dropped Merry on his head and ran to find Frodo.
Frodo, at the time, was with the man called Strider, who he secretly found incredibly sexy. Strider was thinking of what Frodo would look like naked. He was saying something about being afraid, but Frodo was distracted by something that was about at his eye level.
Sam came bursting through the door.
"Damn, I forgot to lock the door again," Strider muttered.
"I'll kill you if you hurt Mr. Frodo!" Sam shrieked.
"I'm not going to hurt him. I just might..." Strider began to say something, but didn't. It had suddenly occurred to him what Sam's relationship with Frodo was.
Oh, sorry little one I had no idea with you and."Strider began to say before being cut off by Frodo, who realized the disappointment in Strider's eyes.
"There's nothing between me and Sam," Frodo whispered so only Strider could hear.
Strider smiled slyly until he glanced at Sam and cleared his throat.
Somehow, they all ended up in Strider's room, rather in their own hobbit-sized room. They also all ended up in one bed, which really bothered Sam. He had specifically requested a bed for just him and Frodo. He was worried that Strider was going to pull something. He made sure to situate himself between the two of them.
In the morning they left Bree, Sam grumbling something about having no fun in sexual abstinence. He now had a pretty new pony to stare at. Sam tried to push the thoughts of doing something irrational with Bill the pony. Next to Bill, Strider's seems minimal, Sam thought smugly. And he is only a pony.
Sam spent the whole day with Bill. Frodo chatted with Strider. What a slut, Sam thought. Who that was directed at, he had not decided.
By night they were at Weathertop. Merry and Pippin had to start a fire since they were pyromaniacs, and Aragorn had been too busy trying to touch Frodo's butt that he had forgot to hide anything that was a fire hazard.
Aragorn realized his mistake when he saw them approaching. "Oh shit, I forgot to hide all things flammable in my pants again, didn't I?" It was a good thing that Frodo was sleeping when Aragorn said this because otherwise he would have had perverted little fantasies about being in Aragorn's pants.
Unfortunately, the rape wraiths also happened to be extreme pyromaniacs. The brilliant glow of the fire attracted them. Some speculate that they also wanted Frodo in their pants. So they arrived on their tall black horses and went after Frodo first, since he was closest to the fire. Three of them were attacking Frodo. Merry had two all to himself.
"Why does this always happen to me?" Merry cried. "Is it because I am fat?"
"Of course you aren't fat! You are skinny, and very attractive too!" Pippin said.
"Oh I love you Pippin!" Merry said. They grabbed each other and started rolling around on the ground again. At least they didn't have to worry about being stabbed anymore. The wraiths were so disgusted that a couple of them (the homophobic ones) started throwing up.
But Frodo was in a great deal of danger. Several of the wraiths were coming after him. They surrounded him and the leader of them whipped out his sword and stabbed Frodo with it. But it wasn't the type of sword you might think.
It was clear that Frodo was badly affected by the attack; emotionally and physically. He needed help or he would die.
~*Author's Note~ yes I know this is so incredibly dirty! Please don't be offended it is supposed to be funny after all! I love LOTR too so this isn't how I really think of it! Please R&R!!*~