Ok…this is my first crack at an Eragon Fanfic. It might be completely random and pointless at some points.
I advise that all Murtagh fangirls read this.
WARNING! If you're a prep, I really advise that you don't read this. You may find some content offensive…
Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon, Furbies, Starbucks, Braveheart, or—god forbid—Barbies.
The Newest Burden of Alagaësia
Chapter Uno: When FanGirls Attack
A loud noise cracked and a big, thundering, black cloud filled the center of the throne room. Galbatorix leaned forward in anticipation as the cloud began to clear away. In mere seconds he would have another dragon egg, sent to him by the Ra'zac who had recently found it in Du Weldenvarden. All would be his again. No more would he be defied by that farm boy, Eragon. He would rule! Rule! RULE! MUAHAHAHAHAH---
A coughing came from within the cloud, disturbing his mind's evil ranting. Coughing? Eggs didn't cough, did they? Galbatorix cocked his head thoughtfully. Then, two voices emerged from within the cloud.
"Goddamnedmotherf---ingsonofawhore'sbitch'sbastardshit-headasshole—!"
"Lex, shut up and stop cussing!"
"Stop cussing?! I have every right to cuss, thank you very much! Since when do black clouds spontaneously appear in the middle of Placerville and devour 13-year-old girls?!"
"I don't know, just….shut up!"
More cussing continued, but in muttering form.
The cloud cleared away to reveal two adolescent girls, one tall and brunette while the other was of average height and blonde. The blonde, Lex, had her arms crossed and was muttering. Both were garbed in the strangest of clothing.
"You there!" Galbatorix barked at them. The two girls blinked and looked up at him. "What have you done with my egg?!"
Lex scratched her head and looked around the menacing, dark room. "This place looks familiar…," she said, ignoring the question. "What do you think, Jess?" She looked over at her friend and frowned. "Jess?" Jess was staring at a red map on the wall. The blonde stepped next to her friend and eyed the map. "Good god, that's a big map."
"Alagaësia…"
"Pardon?"
"Th-that's Alagaësia…"
Lex nodded slowly. "Riiiiight." She turned to the king. "And who're you supposed to be? The evil dude-whose-really-not-that-evil-looking and has a really long name from the movie Eragon? Cool, are we on the set? Did you guys do that black cloud thing? Why didn't you use such cool special effects in the movie? Wow, this place sure is dark. Very ominous. I like your taste. Oh my god, can we meet Garrett Hedlund? That would be soooo awesome! He's so hot! And what about the guy who played the old man? I want to meet him, too!"
Galbatorix blinked. This was not what he had expected by any means. "Erm…" he said.
"'Erm'? Is that the best you've got?"
The king's temper flared. "How dare you talk to me in such a way? I am your king!"
Lex snorted. "Yeah, because America has a king…good one."
Jess tapped her shoulder. "Um…Lex?"
"Your arrogance will not go unnoticed, wench! You shall pay! Don't think you—"
"Lex?"
"What?"
"You! Blonde girl! I am talking to you!"
"Ah, can it, old man."
"Lex?"
"Do not talk to me that way! I am—"
"—Our king. You said that already."
"—your ruler, and disobedience shall not—"
"Lex?"
"What, Jess??"
"—be tolerated! You will pay, girl! You and your little friend! All will—!"
"WOULD YOU SHUT UP, YOU POWER-OBSESSED FREAK OF NATURE?!?" Jess screamed.
Everyone, even the guards, stared silently.
Jess gave a little cough and smoothed her shirt. "Now," she said humbly. "Lex, I think this is real."
The brief silence was ended with Lex's cackling. "Right. Yeah, good one. Come on, Jess, you aren't really falling for this crap, are you? I bet this is some kind of reality show…or something like that." She hunched over and began to rasp. "Don't go to the daaaark side, Jess…'Tis what they want you to believe…" The guards, the king, and the brunette stared, each of them a bit frightened. Lex ran up to Galbatorix, kicked him in the shins, and shouted, "Toast!" before running back to Jess. Her best friend stared at her as the king swore, hopping on one leg, clutching his shin. "Sorry about that. Random outburst. Do continue."
"Mmkay…anyways, why would the crew of Eragon kidnap us?"
"..Maybe they heard you threatening to kill them after they butchered up the book?"
"Good point, but that black cloud looked awfully real."
Suddenly the throne-room door flew open and a very agitated, hot man with dark hair strode in. "Galbatorix, the fan-girls stole Zar'roc again! I tried to get it back, but they're holding it ransom. They say I have to take off my tunic before they'll give it back! I told Thorn to burn them, but they unleashed their evil blue Furbies after him, and he locked himself in my room. He won't come out, and he's curled up on the floor muttering something about a "happy place", gods only know what that is. So now I'm tired but I can't get in my room to sleep and if the Varden attack the palace, I won't have a sword to defend myself with! I—" He broke off when he saw Jess and Lex. The two girls had a blissful expression on their faces that the agitated, young, hot man could identify anywhere. "No…" he breathed, horror-struck. He would have run, but his legs were frozen in fear.
"Oh. My. God." Lex whispered.
"It's…"
"MURTAGH!" they chorused, shrieking. They charged towards him, full blast.
"No! No!! NO! NOOOOOOO!" Murtagh screamed, scrambling to get out of the way, but, alas, only to fail. With a squeal, the fan-girls launched themselves on Murtagh, hugging him to death.
"We love you, Murtagh!" they screeched, trying to kiss him.
"AHHHH!!!!" he yelled, trying to shake them off. "Galbatorix! Help! Wait, wait, no! Get off, you freaks of nature!"
"Aww, but Murty," Jess purred.
Lex exclaimed, "We're your biggest fans!" She then broke out giggling. ((Lex. Giggling. …scary image.))
The throne-room door once again suddenly flew open. "Oh, Durzzy-Poo, you're so romantic," a perfect voice purred from outside. Then, the most horrible pairing on earth—rather, Alagaësia—stepped into the throne-room. Even Jess, Lex, and Murtagh stopped their brawl in shock. Durza the Shadestood there with his arm around Arya's shoulders. The guards, the King, the Fangirls, and Murtagh stared openly. Durza and Arya stared back.
"Y-you're supposed to be in Panama!" Durza shouted suddenly.
"I'm supposed to be in Panama?!" Galbatorix shouted back. "You're supposed to be dead! And what are you doing with her???"
The couple stared at each other. "Uh…uh…" Durza suddenly did that little poof thing he does and poofed away in a cloud of black smoke.
"Coward!" Arya perfectly screamed. "Get your scrawny ass back here!" Durza hesitantly poofed back. With a smug look on her face, Arya leaned against the Shade. "Durzzy-Poo and I found that we have a lot in common, and have come to an understanding." She stood on her toes and kissed him.
"EWWWWWWW!" everyone shrieked. "OUR EYES!!!! THEY BURN!!! HELP!!! AHHHHH!!!!"
A certain Dragon Rider charged into the room, sword wielded. "Did someone say help?" he asked dramatically in a deep voice. Everyone stared at him. Eragon shrugged. "There's been nothing better than heroics to do since the—oh my garsh!" Everyone cringed, expecting him to see Arya and Durza swapin' spit. Instead, he ran up to Galbatorix and grabbed his hand, examining the King's nails intently. "You're nails are just way too long and black. Don't you know that's bad for your health?" He held up his own perfect nails for everyone to see. "See what a manicure can do for you? Trust me, strange-old-man-who-I-have-no-idea-even-is, I used to have that tricky nail problem, too, until I went to…Starbucks! They gave me the most perfect manicure ever!"
"Starbucks does coffee, moron," Jess grumbled. Lex would have been to one with the sarcastic remark, only she was too busy debating with herself whether Murtagh or Starbucks was better. Hard choice, poor girl.
Eragon stuck out his tongue at Jess. "They do manicures, too."
"Nuh-uh."
"Yah-huh."
"Oh no," whispered a guardsman. "I've heard legends about this. These two can go on forever like this." Everyone groaned.
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yah-huh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yah-huh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yah-uh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yah—OH MY GOD!"
Once again, everyone cringed, still expecting Eragon to see Arya and Durza (who were still making out.), but instead, he ran up to Murtagh. "Your scar!" he exclaimed, pointing at Murtagh's bare ribs. ((Lex had managed to rip of his tunic in the earlier brawl (and nearly fainted while doing so). Go Lex! WOOT!)) "What's your scar doing on your side? Isn't it supposed to be on your back?"
Murtagh smacked the back of Eragon's head. "Yes, genius. For some screwed up reason the faggy director decided not to have the fan-girls faint and only had me lift up my shirt a little. So they put the scar on my side."
"I'm still so gonna kill them for that," Jess muttered.
"Why'd they do that?" Eragon asked, oblivious that Murtagh had just explained it so him.
Murtagh threw his arms into the air, unknowingly causing his muscles to flex which then caused Jess and Lex to sigh. "The hell if I know! Do I look like the director?"
Eragon stared at him with a vacant expression. "Noooo…" he finally said.
"Thank god he doesn't," Lex and Jess chorused.
Arya finally unglued her mouth from Durza's. "Hey!" she shouted at Eragon. He looked over his shoulder to see if she was talking to someone else. When he saw there was no one being him, he swore, "Pillsbury Doughboy!" and looked up at the elf fearfully. Then he realized who she was. "Hey, you're Arya!"
She ((yes, perfectly)) rolled her eyes in that Mary-Sue way. "Yes, you stupid lowly human." Ouch, she's racist too. Or is it species-ist? Either way, she was discriminating Eragon. He, of course, didn't even notice and just let that stupid grin fall onto his face.
"You're purty," he droned.
Eragon then spotted Durza. "Oh, HI!!!" he said cheerfully, and waved. Durza blinked at him confusedly.
"Fine don't wave back," Eragon muttered, crossing his arms.
"You moron!" Arya yelled jumping up and down and pulling at her hair ((which Paolini has kindly managed to describe how black and perfect it is, like 15 different times in the books)). "I was just making out with your archenemy. Your dead archenemy! And you don't even care?!"
"You're purty," was her repeated answer.
"Wait," Durza said, taking a step back. "You're only dating me to get back at him?" He held up a hand and looked away. "I feel so used," and with that, he poofed away.
Arya screamed in frustration and poofed away also, only her cloud was pink. Evil.
After a few moments of awkward silence, Durza poofed back. "Is she gone?" Everyone nodded. "Good, because she was way too Mary-Sue for me."
It was eerily quiet. Then: "You're purty." Eragon was still staring at the space where Arya was just standing.
"Eragon, you moron, she's gone," Murtagh said.
"You're purty."
"Shut up, that just sounds wrong."
"You're purty."
"Shut up," Murtagh yelled.
"You're pur—" He didn't get a chance to finished, because Murtagh shoved a sack over his head, wrangled him cattle-style, and threw him out of the window.
For the first time in their lives, Lex and Jess brought out pom-poms and began to cheer Murtagh on preppy-like. They only got stares. The two best friends looked at each other. "I knew cheerleading wasn't for us," Lex said sadly.
Jess shrugged. "At least now when our parents say we should get out and try stuff we can say, 'Hey, we tried cheerleading, and nothing came outta that!'" Lex nodded solemnly.
Then…it happened. The song suddenly played through the throne-room. Of course, the residents of Alagaësia didn't know what it was (except that it was horrible, horrible music), but for Lex and Jess, that song was the announcement of the end of the world. "EVERYBODY RUN!" they screamed and grabbed Murtagh before towing him with them as they ducked behind Galbatorix's throne.
"Hey!" he protested.
"Don't worry, we're protecting you from…them," Jess whispered. "Lex stop staring at his abs and drooling."
Lex wiped her mouth. "Sorry," she apologized. Then, the lyrics to the song came on, and the resident's of Alagaësia realized, with a horrible truth, who "they" were.
"IIIIIIMA BARBIE GIRL, IN A BARBIE WOOOORLD!
I'M MADE OF PLASTIC, AND IT'S FANTANSIC!
YOU CAN BRUSH MY HAIR, AND—"
The residents of Alagaësia screamed in pain, covering their ears and sobbing in dread. The throne-room door((a lot seems to happen to that door)) suddenly was blown apart. Sounds of marching could be heard, and as the dust cleared away, small yet frightening forms were seen. A vast army of blonde Barbies was marching into the room, armed with tiny magenta machine guns and wearing pink camo. And, of course, those hideous, menacing grins displayed on their faces.
Their leader, a Ken doll, was at the head. It stopped, and the rest of the army stopped. Since it's eyes did't move, the Ken doll's head swung around as it scanned the room. "We have come for the one known as Murtagh," it said in that gay voice ((I've never heard a Ken doll talk, but I imagine it would sound pretty gay)). "Surrender him, and there will be no harm."
Behind the throne, Murtagh paled. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank you for hiding me," he said quietly to Lex and Jess.
The two didn't answer. Between the song and the dolls, Jess was too busy trying not to have a heart-attack, and Lex was staring at the Barbies from behind their hiding place, a confused expression on her face. "Those Barbies look familiar—" The blonde suddenly let out a low gasp. "Pink Division," she hissed.
Murtagh was about to ask what "pink division" was, when two skinny girls wearing mini-skirts and polo shirts stepped into the room receiving looks of respect from the Barbies((can Barbies look respectful?)) One black-haired girl was chewing gum at an obnoxious level of volume, while the other blonde was chatting on her cellphone so fast, no one could understand what she was saying. The blonde gave a sudden high pitched squeal. "Okay, Heather! I, like, gotta go," she whined in that valley-girl accent. She snapped her cellphone shut and twirled a strand of permed hair with her finger. "So, like, where's that hottie Murtagh?"
"You!" Jess yelled, jumping from their hiding place. "What are you doing here?" she demanded angrily of the prep.
"Stay here," Lex whispered to Murtagh, then joining Jess.
The gum-chewing one blinked stupidly. "I like guuuum," she drawled, smacking her lips, while the blonde replied, "What are we doing here? What are you losers doing here? Get, like, out!
"We were here first!" Jess snapped. "No way in hell am I giving Alagaësia to you yuppies!"
"Losers!" the blonde shrieked into Jess's face.
"Prep!" Jess yelled back.
"Nobody!"
"Snob!"
"Like, slob!"
With every insult, the Barbies, Galbatorix, Durza, the guards, and Murtagh looked back and forth between the two girls.
"Pink-lover!"
"Sadistic freak!"
"Bitch!"
"Scum!"
"Close-minded, Bush-loving, abortion-hating, richie, backstabbing, white picket-fence, sheltered, bratty, selfish, wussy, slutty, WHORE!"
Everyone gasped. The blonde looked taken aback. "That, like, actually hurt…"
Jess crossed her arms and stuck her tongue out. "Well, it's all true, and I'm not takin' it back."
Galbatorix cocked his head. "Would someone mind telling us exactly why you two hate each other?"
The two groups blinked. "Sure," all four chorused.
"There's three divisions of the Murtagh Fangirls," Lex explained.
Three? Murtagh thought, mentally groaning.
"Each of the divisions are sorted by what kind of personality the fangirls have."
"Pink is preppy and girlie and only knows anything about Murtagh because they watched the movie; they're too stupid to read," Jess said.
"And, like, Green Division is, like, sarcastic, dark, sadistic, freak-infested, and random," the blonde Pink Division, or P.D., leader shot back.
"Yeah. We are," Lex said smugly.
Durza frowned. "So what's the third?"
"Blue Division," a menacing voice suddenly cackled from above.
Muahahaha, CLIFFY!!!...kinda...I dunno. Please REVIEW!!!