Vampire Diaries Season 2: The Unaired Version
A/N: I thought I would write a funny little story making fun of the first ep back which was so amazing! Hope you enjoy!
Chapter 1
John: *thinks to self * damn, where is that glass of orange juice I drank earlier? *closes fridge and sees Elena* Oh, you scared me you little whore!
Elena: Sorry Daddy.
John: Anyways, where did that hot smoking aunt of yours go?
Elena: You mean the one you used to sleep with? Oh she's outside, flirting with the firefighters.
John: Figures. Little tramp. Anyways, where is that good for nothing brother of yours?
Elena: Probably snorting up cocaine in his room. You know how depressed he can get.
John: Mhm. So do you need any help with those knives? Jenna would kill me if I let you get hurt and then I won't get laid for atleast a week.
Elena: Sure. *looks down at hand and cuts off his fingers*
John: *screams* what the hell was that for you little whore? You're grounded!
Elena: You really shouldn't be making threats old man. *face changes*
John: Oh god you're not that girl who I met at a bar, got drunk with, and slept with and never called back are you?
Elena: Nope, I'm much worse. *stabs him in the stomach* goodbye John. You were never my type.
John: *gasps* you bitch. You're Katherine, that girl I cheated on Isobel with!
Katherine: Right again moron. *disappears*
Outside of the house
Elena: Damn, I can't find my pack of tampons. I think someone took them when they robbed me of my clothes.
Stefan: And what do you want me to do about it? Call out a search party?
Elena: No, I want you to shut your retarded vampire mouth and get your butt over to the hospital so you can see how my idiot friend is doing.
Stefan: Fine I will.
Elena: Good, now be a good little vampire and go chase some bunnies. *hangs up and walks into the house* Jeremy, you up? I need you to get me some tampons! *hears a noise from the kitchen* Jeremy! How many times do I have to tell you? No sex in the kitchen! *walks into the kitchen and sees John lying on the ground with blood surrounding him* well thank god someone put that bastard in his place.
John: Elena, you little bitch is that you? I just got stabbed by your evil twin!
Elena: And I'm supposed to care why? You almost killed my secret lover Damon tonight!
John: Just shut up and come over here and call for help!
Elena: Fine! *grabs phone and dials 911* Hello, I need an ambulance! My uncle is an idiot and banged his head through our plasma screen TV because his favorite show wasn't on.
John: Behind you!
Elena: Just a second. *takes phone away from ear* can't you see I'm on the phone you ignorant buffoon! What do you want?
John: Your evil twin is right there!
Elena: *whips around but sees nothing* you truly are an ass, you know that? *picks up knife and walks into the hallway*
Elena: *hears a noise and quickly turns* darn, little whore is faster then I thought! *hears door open* darn it! Oh no Jeremy better not be reading my diary again! *runs up the stairs* JEREMY SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU ARE READING MY DIARY YOU ARE DEAD!
Jeremy: *eyes flash open* What the hell Elena?
Elena: Oh good, you were sleeping. Wait why were you sleeping? Got stoned again?
Jeremy: No I tried to kill myself.
Elena: I always knew you are an emo and depressed but I'd never thought you'd stoop so low.
Jeremy: My hoe Anna died so now life is depressing.
Elena: Anna? The whore who kidnaped me and tried to use me as a prostitute?
Jeremy: Yep that's the one.
Elena: Oh hold on, my bunny eating boyfriend is here. *walks out of the room and downstairs* Stefan, come here!
Stefan: *sighs and thinks* back to bitch vile we go. *looks up at Elena* What do you want Elena?
Elena: I need you upstairs NOW! Jeremy's smoking weed again!
Stefan: Like I could give a crap. *walks up the stairs and sees Jeremy sitting on his bed, looking depressed*
Elena: I found this little brat asleep and when he woke up he said that he wanted to kill himself so he can spend time with his precious Anna.
Stefan: You really are crazy.
Jeremy: WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP? I was trying to turn into a vampire!
Elena: Oh god no, I can't stand the sight of one more bloodsucker in this town!
Stefan: Don't worry the idiot is not a vamp. He doesn't know how to commit suicide properly so his plan didn't work.
Jeremy: Hey, I do know how to kill myself!
Elena: No Jeremy you don't.
Police officer: *walks into the room* Miss Elena Gilbert? I need you down here to answer a few questions regarding your missing clothes and other...things.
Elena: I'm going to the hospital. Can you make yourself useful and stay here with Jeremy? My aunt will kill me if he dies but I seriously couldn't give a crap what he does.
Stefan: Fine, I'll stay here and I'll try not to eat him.
Jeremy: I don't need some depressed vampire watching over me!
Elena: Shut up and stop being such a sissy!
At the hospital
Bonnie: Hey Mutt, how are you?
Matt: I'm peachy, thanks for asking witch.
Bonnie: Let me guess, that bubbling idiot isn't going to live is she?
Matt: Right now it's looking pretty bleak. It's too bad too. She was great in bed.
Bonnie: Ok, that is WAY too much information!
Elena: Hey guys, how Is everyone?
Matt: Not good.
Bonnie: The doctors are saying that dizzy blond might not make it.
Elena: What?
Bonnie: *hugs Elena* I'm going to miss making fun of her behind her back and pulling hilarious pranks on her!
Damon: Maybe you won't have too.
Bonnie: Oh god, here comes the drama king. What do you want?
Damon: Believe it or not, I want to help you. We can't let that chatterbox die. Believe it or not she was a great little slut.
Elena: And how are we supposed to help her?
Damon: I could give her some blood. She loves my blood. I must taste really good.
Elena: And have her turn into a depressed, homicidal vampire like you? I don't think so.
Bonnie: Do it.
Damon: What?
Bonnie: You heard what I said you piece of vampire crap. Do it before I give you another migraine!
Damon: If I do this, you and me, we call a truce?
Bonnie: No, but you'll do it anyways. For you secret little whore Elena.
Elena: As if I would be his slut. I'd sooner die.
Damon: Listen to me you brat. We have to talk about what happened tonight.
Elena: Um, duh I already like know what happened! Wow for a vampire you really are retarded. A vampire broke into the house and almost killed Daddy dearest.
Damon: What the hell are you talking about? After I left?
Elena: When were you at the house?
Damon: Don't play dumb with me!
Elena: Ok Damon, now I know you have been drinking because I did not see you at the house!
Damon: Don't you remember the porch, the kiss, your retarded aunt walking in on us?
Elena: Ok, first of all I wasn't at the house, second of all I wouldn't kiss you if you were the last thing on earth! I'd rather kiss a turd.
Jenna: Hey Elena I came as soon as I got the call but unfortunately I couldn't find any tampons at the store.
Elena: Where have you been I've been needing them for like an hour now!
Jenna: I had some business to attend to with the fire fighters. I told you that before I left! God don't you ever listen?
Elena: You must be high because you never told me that!
Jenna: Yes I did!
Elena: No you didn't!
Jenna: Yes I did you little whore! Shut up and listen to me!
Elena: Screw you!
Damon: *looks back and fourth between the two* oh god, the bitch is back.
At Elena's house
Stefan: *hears the door open and goes downstairs to see Elena standing there* wow that was fast. So what happened? Did she die?
Elena: I don't know Stefan. *hugs him*
Stefan: *thinks to self* why does she smell different? She better not be cheating on me!
Elena: Kiss me you stupid vampire.
Stefan: *face changes and throws Katherine to the ground* Katherine!
Katherine: *stands back up* hello Stefan. I see you remember me well.
Stefan: You whore you cheated on me!
Katherine: Yeah, so what?
Stefan: *slams Katherine up against the wall a couple of times* I hate you.
Katherine: *grabs Stefan's hand and twisted it just as the door opened*
Elena: Stefan, why were you on the ground? My carpet is going to get dirty because of you laying on it like some retard!
Damon: Katherine did this.
Elena: What?
Damon: Katherine did this. She's back.
Elena: So she's the one who tried to kill my douchebag of a dad and my pathetic boyfriend? Well she gets points for that.
Stefan: Hey!
In the kitchen
Damon: Did she say what she wanted?
Stefan: No, she was too busy trying to get into my pants.
Elena: I told emo boy. I can't lie to him anymore.
Stefan: Are you ok?
Elena: Does it LOOK like I'm ok? I came home to find my psycho Dad on the floor bleeding like a woman that's on her period and plus my emo brother almost turned into a disgusting vampire like you!
Stefan: I'm so sorry that all of this happened.
Elena: Go cry me a river.
Stefan: So what should we do about Katherine? I know, maybe your dad knows something.
Elena: No way am I going anywhere near that child molester!
Stefan: So Damon, what happened when you thought she was Elena?
Damon: Oh that, I fucked her brains out.
Elena: You said we kissed!
Damon: Same thing.
Stefan: What the hell are you talking about?
Damon: Well, you know when two lips pucker and they..*makes kissing sounds*
Stefan: *vamp speeds over to Damon who vamp speeds over to Elena*
Elena: *stands up* will you two stop fighting like a couple of girls? We have more important matters to attend to, like going to see John and pump him for info about my twin.
Damon: I have a better idea. I'll just ignore the bitch.
Elena: You seriously are retarded.
Damon: If Katherine thinks she's being ignored, it'll lure her out. She'll make a move.
Stefan: Then what?
Damon: We'll see who gets to sleep with her first. *walks out of the house*
At the hospital
Bonnie: Have you been here all night flirting with girls?
Matt: No, I've been here with my crazy bitch of a girlfriend. Somehow she made a fast recovery.
Bonnie: Great, and how is she?
Matt: See for yourself. *walks into Caroline's room and sees her watching TV*
Caroline: Hey guys! You made it just in time! Barney's on!
Bonnie: We just came in to see how you are doing.
Caroline: You guys are so sweet but I really didn't need your concern. I can take care of myself.
Matt: Well, I'm sorry for worrying about you and not flirting with every girl I saw.
Caroline: You better not have or else I'll dump your butt!
Matt: To be honest that wouldn't be so bad. I need a break from your mouth!
Bonnie: Ok guys let's not turn Caroline into a total raging animal yet. We need to be happy she is still alive.
Matt: *grumbles* fine.
Carl, Liz, Damon scene
Carl: I want to find the person who killed my good for nothing husband!
Liz: He was a jerk. He deserved to die.
Carl: Shut up! He may have cheated and slept around but he was good in bed! How else am I supposed to get laid now?
Liz: Why don't you go pose as a prostitute and see how far you get.
Damon: Ok ladies, that is quite enough. We need to stop arguing and figure out what killed Carl's husband. God knows she's going to die without her sex slave around.
At the Lockwoods
Tyler: *sees a black jeep pull up* Oh god not him. Uncle Mason?
Mason: *steps out and walks up* Tyler? What happened to you? In my mind you're twelve years old.
Tyler: Yeah, because you're a child molester.
Mason: Come here and let me give you a hug. I promise I won't feel you up.
Tyler: *hugs him* Dude, why do you have a boner?
At the hospital
Stefan: Are you ready?
Elena: No, I'm not. I need a used tampon so I can shove it up his nose.
Stefan: What is it with your obsession with tampons?
Elena: Your a natural born idiot guy. You wouldn't understand.
Stefan: *sighs as he walks into the room and sees John*
Elena: Child molester, we need to talk.
John: We know that Katherine tried to kill you and rape you. We want to know why she tried to screw a pathetic life form such as yourself.
John: You want me to tell YOU?
Stefan: Then talk to your whiny daughter!
John: That tramp is no daughter of mine. She's better off selling herself on the streets.
Elena: Now I know why my bitchy twin did what she did. I hope you rot in hell you pervert! *storms out*
Stefan: *grabs John by the neck* You better listen good and listen well because I'm only gonna say this once! *bites into his wrist and shoves it up into John's mouth* drink it! Drink it you no good excuse for a human bring! If you ever molest Elena or steal her clothes or anything else again, I'll hang you from a flagpole wearing a pink shirt and hello kitty underwear! You have twenty four hours to leave this town, starting now!
At the Lockwoods
Damon: Who's that guy with Carl Lockwood?
Liz: Ugh, he's her newest manwhore.
Damon: Is he anything like that pedophile John?
Liz: No, thankfully he's not creepy and doesn't molest children and doesn't try to kill every depressed person he sees, thinking that they're a vampire but he's not a believer either. He's too preoccupied trying to find the perfect girl to be his slut for life.
*Katherine walks up to the Lockwood's house*
Tyler: *thinks to self* man If she didn't have a boyfriend I'd do her in a heartbeat. *smiles* Hello Elena. Thanks for coming. Come on in.
Katherine: *thinks* ugh this person is disgusting. Just by the look on his face I can tell he's mind fucking me. *walks into the building, with an evil smile on her face*
Outside of the hospital
Elena: Ugh I have to go pick up my stupid aunt and depressed emo brother and go to the Lockwoods. By the way, what did you do to John?
Stefan: I told him to leave town.
Elena: Told? More like forced.
Stefan: Yeah, I can't have that kind of competition in town. I saw the way you were looking at him.
Elena: You know, sometimes I really question your intelligence. He's my step no good for nothing idiot of a father.
Stefan: Well, I have to get back to Damon now.
Elena: Why do I get the feeling that you two are secret lovers?
Stefan: Elena, why would I do my own brother? That's nasty and plus I bet he's not even good in bed.
Elena: You never know, weirder things have happened.
Stefan: Besides, he kissed you and I'm not ok with that. I have half a mind to put this epically hilarious video of Damon talking in his sleep about wanting to do bunnies and ponies on YouTube. Then that'll teach him a lesson!
Elena: Oh my god, no way!
Stefan: Plus he's doing Katherine right now. And we all know how he gets with her.
Elena: He becomes unstable and more of a desperate fool then ever before.
Stefan: Which is why I need to go deal with him.
Elena: Go ahead. I'll go get crackhead and dizzy aunt and meet you there.
At the Lockwoods
Bonnie: Did you know that the Lockwoods were affected by the device?
Damon: Bonnie, I appreciate the effort but you seriously need to stop hitting on me. It's not cute anymore.
Bonnie: If you would pull your head out of your rear end then you would see that I'm trying to tell you something about the Lockwoods! There is something up with them.
Damon: And I'm supposed to care why?
Bonnie: Well, wouldn't you like to know how?
Damon: Yes Bonnie, I would love to know why that device affected that sad poor little boy who hasn't gone through puberty yet who by the way, lasted through that vampire torture device that screwed with me and made me fall to my knees like a weak little girl!
Bonnie: You are a weak little girl Damon.
Damon: Anyways, how's my little slut Caroline doing?
Bonnie: Much better.
Damon: You're welcome.
Bonnie: No you're welcome!
Damon: Why am I welcome?
Bonnie: You're lucky I didn't chop you up and feed you to my dogs yet!
Damon: No good deed goes unpunished with you does it?
Bonnie: I know what you are Damon. You are nothing but a womanizer who loves screwing with women regardless of how they feel! You hit on me again and I'm going to take you out.
Damon: Bonnie, everyone knows that you are PMSing at the moment and that you miss your weak pathetic granny. So stop acting so tough and go back to little weak Bonnie.
Bonnie: *thinks* I warned the poor fool.
Damon: Ahh! Stupid witch Is mind fucking me again! I knew it! I knew she had the hots for me.
Bonnie: Oh I'm sorry. You were saying? *walks away*
Damon: Darn, she sure is hot when she's pissed!
Bonnie: *walks up to Katherine* Damon is such a bragger. He won't stop talking about how he saved Caroline when we both know if he wasn't such a whiny little girl that wanted to screw Katherine none of this would've happened!
Katherine: I'm sorry Bonnie. I always knew Damon had woman issues. I just didn't know how severe they were.
Bonnie: Thanks Elena. *touches her arm and quickly pulls it away* I need to go find Tyler. He's probably in the bathroom crying about his Daddy issues. *walks away and pulls out her cell phone* Elena you little late whore! Where the hell are you?
Elena: Will you stop screeching like a banshee for five minutes? I'm getting into the car now. Blame my lateness on stonehead over here who was found snorting crack. *hangs up*
Bonnie: *turns around and sees Katherine grinning wickedly*
Katherine: We haven't officially met. I'm Katherine.
Bonnie/ I know who you are. You're Damon's long lost slut and lover.
Katherine: And you're the best friend right? I've been putting the pieces of Elena's depressing life together. Isobel said it was a bit disturbing and quite embarrassing. Jeremy is the sad little boy who for some reason can't seem to find a girl that will stick around for long and Jenna is the aunt who has the burden of taking care of Elena and her idiot brother. I've met the delicious boyfriend Matt who won't stop screwing that moronic waste of space blond who is better off dead and you are Elena's best friend that secretly is a lesbian. Did I do good?
Bonnie: Go to hell bitch. *turns around and uses her physic powers on Katherine who holds her head in pain*
Katherine: *recovers* Wow, your ability to screw minds is utterly pathetic. No wonder you don't have a boyfriend. *slams Bonnie up against the wall*
Bonnie: *uses her powers to open the door*
Katherine: Nice, looks like your abilities are handy after all. You can now screw doors!
Stefan: Katherine, leave that retarded witch alone.
Katherine: Ok. *walks over to Stefan and runs her finger across his shirt while grabbing a glass of red wine*
Stefan: Aren't you supposed to be screwing Damon?
Katherine: No, I decided to come and see you in a public place since the last time we saw each other the welcome you gave me wasn't exactly friendly.
Stefan: Why would I be nice to you? You broke my heart Katherine.
Katherine: Ahh you are right but I couldn't help myself. You look cute when you are angry.
Stefan: Screw you.
Katherine: That could be arranged.
Stefan: Just leave now.
Katherine: Nope, no can do. I just decided that I'm going to use everybody as a sex toy. You know, for pleasure?
Stefan: I'm sorry Katherine but I already have a fine hot sex toy and I don't need you anymore.
Katherine: You're hurting my feelings Stefan. Your whiny brother was much happier to see me. But then again all he wanted to do was screw your girlfriend.
Stefan: Don't you have someone else to annoy? Like Damon?
Katherine: Can we not screw each other infront of all your friends? Let's go somewhere else.
Stefan: Like where?
Katherine: *smirks* doesn't matter. It can be anywhere.
Stefan: What are the rules?
Katherine: And here I thought vampires became smarter as they got older. Apparently you're dumb as a doorknob. No rules Stefan. God you are so stupid.
Outside of the Lockwoods
Jeremy: Can we just hurry and get this over with? I need to go catch a smoke.
Jenna: Jeremy, why are you back on drugs? I thought we got past that little phase of teenage rebellion?
Jeremy: I just lost someone special to me so I'm back to depressed Jeremy who is into stoner girls and does nothing with my life.
Elena: *sighs* I need a new family. *sees Damon* Hey Jenna I'll be back I gotta go make Damon feel worse about himself then he already does. *walks to Damon* Damon.
Damon: What?
Elena: Why do you get so depressed over Katherine? She doesn't want you if you can't grow a pair and confess that you hate her and love men instead?
Damon: *takes a sip of his drink* I know what you are doing and I'm not playing a part of your little game.
Elena: Wow, you really are desperate.
Damon: Why did you think it would be a surprise that I'd kiss you?
Elena: That's not a surprise. I'm surprised that you thought I was some whore who screwed any nice piece of meat whenever I saw it!
Damon: You whore. Now I'm hurt. I'm gonna go kill some women and have a party that involves alot of drinking and super drunk chicks.
Elena: See if I care? Go complain to your many "girlfriends" about your girl issues and leave me out of this!
Damon: Fine. See ya bitch. *starts to walk away but Bonnie runs up to them* oh god, and here I thought I got rid of you.
Elena: Bonnie? What is it? Did another one of your boyfriends dump you?
Inside the Lockwood mansion
Jeremy: Hey man, I'm looking for the bathroom. I need to get away from Jenna and catch a smoke. I'm beat.
Tyler: I'm with you too. Today has been rough. I'm just glad that the guy who made my life a living hell is now dead. But on the other hand, I was planning on pulling a prank on him.
Jeremy: What kind of prank?
Tyler: Change his shampoo with pink hair dye.
Jeremy: *bursts out laughing from the mental image* dude, that would have been awesome!
Tyler: You bet it would. Hey you want this? I'm sure my dad won't mind considering he's dead and the dead can't do much.
Jeremy: Sure. *takes the beer from Tyler*
Mason: *walks into the room* Tyler, Jeremy. Is there something you are not telling me?
Tyler: What are you talking about?
Mason: I mean it just seems that you two are really...close with one another.
Jeremy: Um what the hell? Tyler and I are nothing more then just friends. Nothing more, nothing less.
Mason: Then why are you two drinking with one another?
Jeremy: To hell with this man I'm leaving! *hands the drink to Mason and walks out*
Mason: Here ya go Ty.
Tyler: *takes the drink from him* I swear this guy has serious issues.
Outside
Katherine: Those Lockwoods sure have alot of land thanks to the tomb vampires.
Stefan: Why did you want them dead?
Katherine: Because they were in my way. Besides there's only one room for a bad vampire and that's me!
Stefan: Yeah, because the Hello Kitty collection you have really shows off how bad you are.
Katherine: Go to hell Stefan.
Stefan: Just stating the truth. Besides, why did you really come back? Can't be because John is leaving town and you won't have to have the temptation of screwing him.
Katherine: What do you think I came back for? I came back for you! You're more hotter now then you were back in the day.
Stefan: There's only one problem with your plan. I don't screw women like you anymore.
Katherine: Well you must be lying because you certainly like that Elena chick who is more bitchier then me.
Stefan: Elena is nothing like you. Ok she may have her share of unattractiveness by obsessing over tampons, constantly talking to me about her dad who secretly molested her, and not to mention her crackhead little brother who follows us everywhere, never giving us a moment to ourselves.
Katherine: *sighs as she gets her make up kit out* I seriously could care less about your girlfriend's issues, and OH MY GOD is that a zit?
Stefan: Katherine.
Katherine: Stefan shut up! I'm trying to pop a zit on my forehead! Oh my god it won't come out!
Stefan: Just tell me why you are here and let's get on with it so you can leave. If you don't then I will kill you and sell everything you own onto eBay, including your prized collection of Hello Kitty stickers.
Katherine: *throws make up kit away* You want to know why I'm here Stefan?
Stefan: No I really don't.
Katherine: I came back for you.
Stefan: Well, guess what? You're too late whore! Go screw someone who actually cares. Like my big brother who has Daddy issues.
Katherine: *stabs Stefan* not interested thank you very much. *walks away*
Next scene
Elena: *cleaning Stefan's wound* man, she got you good. Thank god I'm not with her.
Stefan: I wish I could say the same. Stupid whore.
Damon: Elena I need you to leave. You and Stefan can have sex when I'm finished beating the tar out of him.
Elena: Fine, I gotta go make sure Jeremy is staying out of Jenna's secret stash of pot. *walks away*
Damon: So what's it going to be? Fight to the death? Come on, take your punch make your claim!
Stefan: I'm not gonna fight you Damon. You fight like a scared little girl and honestly it wouldn't solve the problem we have.
Damon: What problem? The fact you have Mommy and Daddy issues and are to afraid to admit it?
Stefan: No I was thinking more along the lines of your obsession with Pokemon and how you have a stuffed Pikachu in your room.
Damon: I do not have an obsession and I only have one stuffed animal!
Stefan: So if I were to go into that big closet you have with the bolted lock on it I wouldn't find more?
Damon: *looks away* n-no! And we're not even focusing on the main problem that came to town.
Stefan: Yes I know, we need to do something about Katherine.
Damon: We could tie her up and ship her off to Hello Kitty land. Not only would she love that, she wouldn't be coming back here for a long time.
Stefan: Ok well, I'll see what I can do. Just be careful around her and try not to get raped by her. She will try to rape us and break us, how we respond to that will define us. *walks off*
At the Gilbert's house
Jeremy: *sees John packing* thank god he's leaving. If I hear him sing in the shower one more time I'm going to clobber him.
John: Jeremy, could you tell my stupid daughter that I said bye?
Jeremy: Why don't you tell her yourself and while you're at it take singing lessons!
John: I was taught to hate them Jeremy. Those vampires are nothing but trouble.
Jeremy: Yeah so? I used to love one of them!
John: I know that you have girlfriend issues but this is not how to deal with them.
Jeremy: Screw you. Anna took my mind off of the drugs and the fact that you are a creeper who molests little kids.
John: I am leaving now. I killed all the vampires I needed to kill.
Jeremy: *looks at the ring* Is that how you are protected from dying?
John: Yes.
Jeremy: Then why is my dad still dead?
John: Because he's an idiot and deserved to die. Also, this ring only protects you from little girl vampires like Damon and Stefan, it can't protect you from natural death.
At the Lockwoods
Tyler: *looking at a picture of his dad* I wonder if he's having fun screwing the tooth fairy? *throws the picture and slides all the pictures off of the desk*
Carl: *runs in* oh god no, Tyler is having another tantrum! Tyler stop it! Do you want your Coco Puffs to calm down?
Tyler: Leave me alone!
Mason: *runs in and knocks Tyler to the floor* Tyler stop it!
Tyler: Oh god he's molesting me! Ahh someone help!
Mason: Calm down Tyler!
Tyler: Mommy! Get this thing off of me! *cries*
At the Salvatore boarding house
Damon: *pours himself a drink and walks toward his room* finally I'm alone so I can play my Pokemon video games. *senses Katherine sitting on the couch* Ah crap!
Katherine: I came to say goodbye.
Damon: Leaving so soon?
Katherine: I know when I'm not wanted.
Damon: Don't pout. It makes you look like a little girl that is high.
Katherine: That's not very nice. You should be taught some manners.
Damon: Not interested.*tries to walk away but Katherine speeds up infront of him.*
Katherine: No goodbye kiss?
Damon: Why don't I use my Charizard and burn yo ass? Or better yet kill ya?
Katherine: Kiss me, or kill me. Which will it be Damon? Because we both know that you're only capable of one.
Damon: *turns around and Katherine slams him to the ground* my whipped, pathetic Damon.
Damon: *flips her onto the ground and glares* I'm going to regret letting you rape me but whatever. *kisses her roughly*
Katherine: That's more like it. *slams Damon into the wall and rips his shirt open*
Damon: Wait, brief pause.
Katherine: *pushes him away from her* too much for you? I always knew you were a weak little boy who couldn't handle women like me. Go cry to your Mommy about how I raped you.
Damon: I need you to answer a question.
Katherine: *rolls eyes* no Damon, I'm not going to play Pokemon with you.
Damon: Answer it, and it's back to fireworks and rockets red glare. Answer it right, and I'll forget-
Katherine: Blah blah blah. No one cares what you have to say.
Damon: -the last 145 years I've spent missing you. How much I loved you and we can start over. This is our defining moment because-
Katherine: *holding a brush and a mirror and brushing her hair* is it over yet?
Damon: -we have the time. That's the beauty of eternity. *takes Katherine's face in his hands* I need the truth just once.
Katherine: *mumbles* Thank god it's over. You have serious issues Damon. Stop whining like a little girl about your life because that's all you ever do. You whine and bitch and whine some more! Oh and the truth is that you were just my little bitch that I used whenever Stefan wasn't around. There was a reason why I never loved you, I felt like I was in a relationship with a girl! *walks out*
Damon: *blinks and then breaks down crying like a little girl* WAHHHH! NO ONE LOVES ME! *sniff sniff* I just want somebody to love meeee! Is that too much to ask? *bawls like a girl*
Elena's house
Elena: *walks into her room and sees Damon sitting on the bed* You are such a creeper Damon! I nearly had a heart attack you freak!
Damon: Just doing my part in the neighborhood watch.
Elena: Well, I supposed I should thank your sorry butt for actually looking out for us today.
Damon: I'm your trusty bodyguard. Calm in crisis.
Elena: Oh god have you been drinking? Yuck you stink!
Damon: *pinches his hands together to say "a little"*
Elena: And you appear to be wallowing in your depression over Katherine. God knows what could happen now.
Damon: Why would it be a surprise that I'd thought you'd kiss me back? You can't imagine that I'd believe that you'd want to?
Elena: Oh god, not another Damon speech. Haven't I've had enough to last me a lifetime?
Damon: That what we've been doing here, means something? There's something going on between us and you know it. And you're lying to me, you're lying to Stefan, and most of all you're lying to yourself. I can prove it.
Elena: Thank god you stopped- *struggles in Damon hold as he kisses her* what the hell is your problem? Are you trying to rape me?
Damon: I'm trying to show you how much I love you.
Elena: Um wow you sure are stupid. I love Stefan and I always have. I've never felt anything for you and you are one crazy vampire for thinking otherwise! Who would ever love you?
*Jeremy walks in* Elena what's going on? Is he trying to rape you?
Elena: It's nothing Jeremy. Just go back to your drugs.
Damon: No it's not ok Elena. He wants to be a depressed, homicidal vampire. *vamp speeds over to Jeremy*
Elena: Damon no, my reputation at school will be ruined!
Damon: You want to shut out the pain? It's the easiest thing in the world! All you have to do is flip the switch and SNAP!
Elena: No! My depressed little druggie brother! *looks up at Damon with hated filled eyes*
I HOPE YOU HAVE DIARRHEA FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
Damon: *glares at Elena and walks out*
Lockwood house
Mason: Well, your mom just left with some guy to go to a strip club.
Tyler: I don't understand why I get like this.
Mason: Your dad did...horrible things to you when you were little. My dad did the same thing to him and me but luckily I've managed to keep that anger under control.
Tyler: By screwing every chick you see?
Mason: Ha-ha very funny. Soon I will teach you how to control your anger.
Elena's house
Stefan: I'm pretty sure Damon got beaten on an online Pokemon game. That's why he did it. Besides, he's wearing the ring so maybe that's why he did it.
Elena: He didn't see the ring.
Stefan: It's Katherine. She got under his skin, she undid anything that was good about him.
Elena: There's nothing good about him. Stefan, not anymore. MY STATUS AT SCHOOL IS RUINED! I WILL FOREVER BE PITIED BY MY CLASSMATES FOR THE LOSS OF MY IDIOT PARENTS AND MY RETARDED BROTHER WHO WANTED TO TURN INTO A KILLER! *sobs* I hate him Stefan.
Stefan: I know, but look on the bright side, you can finally get rid of that god awful pot smell out of the house.
Jeremy: *wakes up*
Elena: Oh thank god he's awake! I forgot that he was wearing the ring for an instant!
Jeremy: W-what happened? Did I get high again?
Elena: No you idiot Damon killed you! But don't worry sadly you are alive.
Stefan: You were just saying that your life would be hell if he was dead.
Elena: Yeah, but the more I thought about the positive sides to him being dead, the happier I got. And my rep at school would've gone WAY up because I wouldn't have a druggie little bro holding me down!
Jeremy: You're such a jerk.
Salvatore house
Damon: *throws glass of alcohol against the wall* I DON'T HAVE ANY GIRLFRIENDS ANYMORE! MY LIFE IS RUINED! RUINED I TELL YOU! *cries*
Caroline's hospital room
Caroline: Igh, why did I just wake up? *sees Elena* oh hi Elena, nice of you to pay me a visit in the middle of the night since you are too busy to come in the day! Some friend you are!
Elena: Wow, you really are a dumb blond. My name is Katherine. Do you need me to repeat that for you? Anyways, I have a message that I want you to deliver to the gay Salvatore brothers for me.
Caroline: What are you talking about?
Katherine: Game on. *grabs a pillow and smothers Caroline*
Caroline: *struggles but eventually passes out, dead*
Katherine: One dumb person I don't have to worry about. Now I can have Matty all to myself. *giggles as she walks happily out of the room*
A/N: Well, what did you think? I know that I added some random stuff into the story but that was just to make it a little bit more funny. I hoped you enjoyed this parody! More to come if I get reviews! I plan on doing some from the first season. Not all but just my favorite episodes. And I'll do some more from season 2 also! :)