This is just about the weirdest lemon i've ever written. Thats probably because it was based off of a daydream that has plagued me for several days. Or maybe its because i had to type it in the Vista Word program and it pissed me off. Or maybe its the fact of who the characters are. After all, they are the easiest to slash (besides the obvious) yet... the hardest to have make sense. To pretend it makes sense. Okay?

Okay, and yes, i made Tonks a bit of a mix of his and my personality. I tried to make it how he'd act in the situation... but i added a little of myself in him so he might seem a bit too... how do i put it... horny. XD

I swears to drunk I am not god…

…oh wait, I can be if I wanna

I am the god! FEAR ME!!

It was times like these that normally wouldn't bring Tonks down. After all, this had happened a million times before. But I guess this time was different. Usually, being Tonks had the IQ of a small rock, he didn't quite comprehend the situation enough to let it bother him. But this time… I guess his IQ jumped to that of a small mammal.

Two hours ago… CUE FLASHBACK!

"Heya, Roxy." Tonks swiftly moved up next to Roxy who, until then, had been watching Summerland on tv and fantasizing what else Jesse McCartney could do other than run on beaches like freggin David Hasslehoff.

"…hi." Roxy said, her attention now on Tonks.

"How's my sweetest babe doing?" Tonks asked, leaning over her on the couch. Geez, it was about ten at night. Tonks really should have gotten he gist of how she was doing by now, but it didn't help to randomly ask at an inconvenient interval in time.

"I'm not YOUR sweetest babe, but I'm fine." Roxy smiled sweetly, the faint smell of alcohol drifting with her words.

"If not mine, then who's?" Tonks asked, his smile turning to curiosity. Usually she'd just reply bluntly to his question, then remind him that she was not into him. But her tone was… different this time.

"Oh didn't I tell you?" Roxy said, a cheery tune in her voice. "This nice guy named Marc asked me out today. I didn't refuse."

It was like a spear of ice had just shattered Tonks's world.

End flashback.

Tonks sat at the bar table, for the first time using the fake ID he made after he had learned about strip bars (he never got around to using it before). His face was right on the table as he thought to himself.

I am sooooo drunk.

No you're not. You're kidding yourself. Honestly, how can you be drunk? YOU'RE DEAD.

But… I am a drunk zombie then.

Wow, congratulations.

Why thank you,

Lovely weather isn't it?

Why yes it is…

"Hey, buddy, come on. Its time to go." The bartender said, nudging Tonks with his empty mug. "You've been here long enough. Go get some air, at least."

Ah One of those goody goody bartenders who only wants nice customers who aren't pale and freakishly young looking while mumbling odd things to themselves passed out… interesting…

Despite his odd thoughts to himself, Tonks wearily got up from the bar, dropped his only cash on the table, and stumbled out the door. He was completely lost in his own thoughts, trying to drown out anything… negative.

"Get in here, dumbass."

Ooh A familiar voice! And so cruel, too… I know who it is

Cash had his car pulled up in the parking lot. He glared out a rolled down window at Tonks. "Get in the back of the car and keep your mouth shut."

Tonks did as he said. Well, at least the first part. As soon as he closed the door, he said, "Oh my. It seems Mr. Stick-Up-My-Ass has come to pick me up! Might I ask why?"

"Token told me to. Now shut up." Cash grumbled. Token had noticed Tonks leave the house all distressed, and he called Cash to get Tonks. Why Cash? Because he happened to be the only one with a car and was trusted to drive. Cash, though, took his time searching for Tonks so it took him an entire hour to find him. And then he waited an hour in the car reading whatever he could find in the trunk.

Tonks leaned into the seat of the car, snuggling up against his feet. He put a seatbelt on, but he didn't see a reason why. Could he die? Not even he knew. He just snuggled up against his own cold body and stared at the seat in front of him, which happened to be the one Cash sat in.

"So why'd you leave?" Cash asked after a few minutes. It was very unlike Tonks to get up and leave the house, and even weirder for him to go several blocks to reach downtown and THEN go into a bar illegally.

"Um I thought you wanted me to shut up." Tonks replied, laughter in his voice.

"I take that back for the answering of my question." Cash replied cooly.

"Well…" Tonks was about to answer that he felt like leaving, but it wasn't exactly the case. He was just so brought to reality that Roxy was dating someone that he needed some time to think. But the more he thought of it, the more it depressed his usually happy demeanor and it made it unbearable. So he got drunk. That didn't fix things. But how could he explain that to Cash?

"Spill it, albino." Cash snapped. "I want to know why I had to drive all the way here and pick you up."

"I…" Tonks started to say, but he stopped. Then he let out a sigh, finally shoving the stupid thoughts from his mind and being serious. "Roxy got a boyfriend."

The two of them were both silent, then Cash said, "Really now?"

"Yeah whatever." Tonks spat, and he went back into his own mind with conversation.

Its okay, Tonks.

No it isn't.

Of course it is. She'll break up with him soon.

Maybe. But she's totally not into me.

Then get into HER.

…do I sense innuendo here?

Yes. Much. Bed her.

I tried once. But she said she wasn't drunk enough.

Um…

See? I couldn't get some before I died, and now that I'm alive (sorta) a second time I STILL can't get laid!

Then do someone else. I'm sure Dezzi would be more than happy.

No, I don't want Dezzi.

Then Token?

Ew. That's gross. And besides, he's officially claimed by Dezzi.

Then what about Cash?

What makes you think I could get with him easier than Roxy? Forget it.

He's right there.

Your point?

You could totally pounce when the car parks in the driveway.

Well, yeah but…

Just do it.

I need a better plan than that. Come on.

Then… I know

Cash was surprised at how quiet Tonks was being back in the car. He looked in the rearview mirror to see if he was even there. Tonks was staring out the window. It was drizzling lightly, and soon the light drizzling went to rain. Cash rolled his eyes. He bet Tonks was thinking of how to piss him off.

Tonks stopped staring out the window as his mind's schizophrenia finally got its wish. He agreed with voice one. He wanted a good lay.

"…Cash?" Tonks said in a sickeningly sweet voice.

"…what?" Cash grunted.

"Can I borrow your stowaways?"

"…my what?"

"Your stowaways." Tonks said flatly.

Cash looked in the rear view mirror at him, wondering what he was talking about. Oh shit. Tonks had reached under the seat and pulled out Cash's First Aid kit, and beneath it was an old porno he had stored in case he got lost in traffic.

Shit.

"Don't touch that!" Cash snapped, his face going a bright shade of red.

"But I wants to reads it" Tonks replied as cute as he could.

Cash glared at him from the mirror. His mind then wandered, though, at the sight of Tonks being clearly drunk out of his wits. Whatever. "Fine. Go ahead."

Tonks smiled at him, then yanked open the porn. He began to flip through the pages slowly. Cash groaned. He hated Tonks going through his stuff, especially his porn. Why was he being so nice to him today? Its not like right now was any different besides the fact Tonks was a little bit stupider than usual.

They drove along the highway for a few more minutes, and soon their house came right into view.

"Hey, Cash?" Tonks purred.

Ah shit. Now the little freak was turned on, by the sound of that tone. "What?" Cash snapped back at him.

Tonks didn't immediately respond. He waited until Cash had pulled into the driveway of their house. It still confused Tonks on how normal their house looked from the outside, but inside it was full of so not normal people. As Cash parked the car, Tonks said in almost a whisper. "Come here."

Cash rolled his eyes. Without even looking back at why Tonks even requested that, he opened his door, walked out into the rain, then back and opened Tonks's door. Tonks was laying back on the car seat, a smile wide across his face.

"What?" Cash asked, sensing something odd with Tonks.

"Do me."

Cash about choked on air. "What? No!" Damn. Cash hated drunks. He especially hated drunks who when not drunk were annoying, and the alcohol made it worse.

"Why not?" Tonks asked, a pouty face coming on.

"Because! That's disgusting!" Cash growled. Tonks looked at him slyly, then with a smile, he yanked Cash into the car straddling him as his foot shut the door.

"No it isn't." Tonks purred, his hands now stroking through Cash's hair.

"Ugh! I should have never let you read that porn!" Cash said, pulling his head away and shoving his hands in Tonks's face.

"Come on. Just some fun" Tonks cooed, yanking Cash's hands off his face. "It'll make you a little less grumpy!"

Cash glared daggers into his eyes. "There's no way in hell I'd do you!"

"Hell.. Really?" Tonks purred. "So you'd do me outside of Hell?" Tonks giggled.

"You damn well know what I meant!" Cash snapped back.

Tonks blinked, thought a moment, then said, "Well… does that mean you're scared?"

"SCARED?" Cash spat. "Of course not! I just don't want to have sex with a stupid undead albino drunk!"

"What if I were a girl?" Tonks asked quietly.

"You aren't." Cash said flatly. After all, how many times had Tonks lost his clothes and ran around the house naked? That was enough proof he was a man.

"You're just scared." Tonks rolled his eyes. "You don't want to do a little boy like me"

"Dammit! I don't wanna fucking lose my fucking virg-" Cash slapped a hand over his mouth to stop himself.

"VIRGIN!" Tonks squeaked. "You're a virgin!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"I kinda had the idea you were!" Tonks laughed. "Don't worry, I am too."

"I'm not going to fuck you."

"Yes you are."

"No."

Tonks looked at Cash with a cute expression. "You just don't want to lose your virginity to me…" Tonks smiled. "Come on. Pretend I'm one of the girls in your porn."

Cash glared at him, but he could tell he was losing the fight here. "No."

"Oh come on." Tonks said, his hands going back to cup Cash's pissed face. "If you say no, it proves you're weaker than me."

"No it doesn't!" Cash snapped. "It'll prove I'm weaker if I give in!"

"You can be on top." Tonks said completely emotionlessly. "And pretend I'm a girl."

"NO." Cash repeated. "NO NO NO NO NO!"

"Yes" Tonks purred. "Please? I won't bug you for a week if you do"

Cash glared at Tonks, but it was something about Tonks's look that had managed to turn him on. Cash bit his lip. He hated this squirt! Why was his helpless drunkness so… turning him on??

"Dammit." Cash mumbled. "I'll do… something."

Tonks smiled a huge wide teethy grin. Cash growled, and Tonks's expression faded.

Cash leaned down to unzip Tonks's pants, trying to not look at Tonks's face.

"I'm gonna do it with Cash! I'm going to do it with Cash! Oh baby OW!" Tonks HAD been saying it in that sickeningly sweet tone until Cash had smacked him in the head.

"Shut the fuck up." Cash snapped.

Tonks frowned, but he did shut up.

Cash undid Tonks's pants and was about to yank them down when he noticed Tonks had no underwear on. He abruptly stopped. He left them there, slightly pissed that Tonks didn't wear underwear. Not that he REALLY cared… it just made it more awkward.

Tonks, seeing as Cash needed help with this, yanked his own shirt off. It revealed his always fresh looking autopsy scar. Cash eyed it a moment, then sighed as he took his own shirt off.

"Ooh" Tonks purred, and his hands shot up to feel Cash's chest. He smiled. "I likes"

"Shut up." Cash growled. He didn't want to think right now. He wanted to get it over with.

He started undoing his own pants, but he had to sit to do so. Tonks watched a moment, then pounced onto him in a kiss.

Cash's eyes went wide as a shot of electricity surged through himself.

WHOA WHOA WHOA…

That's not supposed to happen.

No way. No chemistry. No chemistry allowed. Especially not with Tonks.

Tonks started undoing Cash's pants, for he was getting very impatient. Cash was too busy submitting to the feeling of Tonks's lips on his own.

Maybe doing this wouldn't be so bad…

AH SHIT. DON'T THINK THAT. BAD. NO!

Cash was obviously having VERY mixed feelings about this. But it was too late. He dug a hole for himself. He never should have agreed to pick up Tonks. This was bad.

He hadn't noticed his pants were off until he felt Tonks stop kissing him and replace that feeling somewhere else.

Tonks, now way into the situation, was sucking on Cash's fell exposed sex.

Cash gasped a moment, then leaned back into the car door. Whoa. He hadn't expected this. A blowjob…?

Tonks purred around it, sucking ad bobbing to the point that Cash started to moan. No way out.

Cash was letting out strings of moans, trying very hard not to let go. That would be bad. He bit his lip and whimpered a little until Tonks stopped.

Tonks looked up at him, a sheepish expression on his face.

Cash grabbed his shoulders and sat him in his lap, kissing him fiercely. Tonks responded positively, and they were having the most furious make-out session… ever. Tonks started undoing his own pants, and in a flurry of movement, he too was naked. Cash shoved him down onto his hands and knees on the seat, licked his fingers, and began to finger fuck Tonks's ass. Tonks squirmed.

"Nuuuu… Cash"

Cash sped up the process, for all of Tonks's toying with him made him very… needy. He lifted Tonks's ass and in a split second, he was pounding hard.

Tonks squirmed and cried out, his hands clutching Cash's expensive car seat very hard. He would probably leave marks. Not that Cash cared at the moment.

Then it was over.

Cash had let out a breathy moan and collapsed onto Tonks's back. His eyes were clamped shut as he was having the most powerful orgasm of his life. Tonks whimpered a little, he too had reached his climax several seconds before.

They stayed like that for a long moment before Cash pulled himself out and grabbed tissues to clean up. Tonks was breathing heavily, and he had to sit back as he cleaned his mess all over the car.

Cash, now fully dressed, got out of the car and waited for Tonks to follow. After a minute, Tonks stumbled drunkly out of the car and kissed him.

Cash sighed and let him be. As Tonks pulled back, he asked, "Feel anything?"

"No." Cash spat, looking away.

"Hm. Me either." Tonks was about to skip off, and he turned around and began to walk away. Cash shyly raised a finger to touch his own lips. He shook his head then followed Tonks. Well, more of carried Tonks (who had passed out on the doorstep).

Cash sat in his room at his desk, reading a book about alien abduction researchers in Missouri. Tonks stumbled in. "Owwwww… my head huuuuuuuuuuuurts!" Tonks grumbled. "And my ass…"

Cash blushed, then glanced over at him. "I can't imagine why."

"What happened? All I remember is going to the bar and… ROXY!!!!" He cried out, then flopped onto the floor.

Cash smiled. Yay, he didn't remember. "You passed out. I drove you home. You promised not to bother me for a week."

"I think I remember something like that…" Tonks stumbled out of the room. Cash just smiled.

Wow, its finally done! XD That took forever to type up. I wrote half of it last night at 2am, and the second half awhile ago while being breandead and cleaning my room. It was beta-ed by Candyloverx33 on deviantART (but all she did was say she liked it. XD ). So if you find a mistake, tell me. Oh, and i eat reviews for breakfast. And i'm hungry. So reviews would be nice, even annonymous ones. :)