Disclaimer: MH and its characters are not mine.
I'm trying to write differently.
Her lips on mine once again for a brief moment after so long. I wanted it. I craved for it. But somehow, it doesn't feel enough.
"I missed you, Shizuru." She says in between breaths as she finds her way in between my shirt. Fondling. Caressing. Every flesh of me. It should feel right. It should feel great. But it doesn't.
I feel dirty.
I don't say that though. I don't get to say anything. She has every right to do what she does to me, threefold or tenfold. It doesn't matter.
What does matter is that I reciprocate. So I did. I reciprocate to her touches and into her advances. I don't try to stop my soul from giving itself to her in blank sheet. I don't try to hide the base of my iceberg. I don't try to. Because I know I've already given her all that I am two years ago, in this very same dark room. In this very same dark room filled with alluring though nauseating perfume.
I only stop when she stops.
I give in when she asks.
I will do whatever she wants not because it was expected of me...Yes, it is expected. But my heart also desires it. Every single bit of it. Every single part of her. My heart. My body. My soul. Craves for it.
Then we are done.
Scratch that. She was done.
She was sated; at least she looks like it. But I'm not. After her hands left my body, I felt bereft. I wanted it again, and again. I want to surrender myself to her once again. In whatever form. In whatever shape. Just so she would touch me again.
My mouth was about to say the forbidden words formed inside my head when she says, "I'll see you again."
It was not a question but a statement. A statement I'm ambivalent about. I'm happy that she'll see and touch me again, but in what capacity? I'm stricken.
She writes another check and rips it almost immediately. She hands it to me carelessly and walks off without another look. I know what is written there. I've received it countless of times to know what she has written there. I know exactly how many numerical numbers are in there. I know exactly how she signs her name. If I wanted to I can forge her checks since day one. I'll not do that. Even if I'm starving or dying, I won't do that to her.
The heart that I've lost years ago cannot do that to her.
As I pick up the check on the floor, I mumble the words expected out of me. "Thank you for coming, Kuga-sama."
I'm reading a sad story when an emotion I cannot define flowed into me which led to this. Happy? Sad? Confused? I bet you are. Tell me which is which or you can choose to stay quiet and be a lurker like always. I am sad but it's your life.