= December 2015 - Starling City =

Felicity didn't know what she was doing there. She didn't want to be there. It wasn't because she didn't want to celebrate the holiday season or that she didn't love being with her friends that she considered family, it was just a hard reminder. It was a reminder that Oliver was gone and it was even more heartbreaking since it was the first winter holiday without Oliver.

They'd ended up telling Ray about Team Arrow, but they'd not told him that Oliver had been the Arrow. Felicity just had felt for some reason that needed to be her special secret. She didn't want to have to share it. Diggle had told her that it was irrational, but he seemed okay with it. With how things had gotten a bit better with Ray being more involved with the team, Felicity was glad that she'd finally shared that part of her life.

"You know, the party's back in the other room."

She didn't turn or even move when she heard his voice. He wasn't mad or upset, he was calm and even. Felicity stared out of the window. She really wasn't looking at anything in particular, she just felt the need NOT to be so involved in the merriment in the other room. Felicity knew logically that Diggle, Lyla, Laurel, and Thea hadn't forgotten about Oliver.

It had been a year.

One year.

It seemed like longer.

Felicity almost felt like there should be a mandatory mourning period because she just couldn't figure out if she was taking it too hard or if there was something wrong with her. At first, it had been too hard. She hadn't wanted to get out of bed or do anything when she'd been convinced that Oliver was dead and not coming back. That had been hard. Even a year later, she still sometimes wondered if he'd just show up.

"I know," she finally whispered.

His arms wrapped around her and she tried to relax as her hands covered his. She was wearing a blue dress and she'd been fine the entire day. It had been gathering all together, Felicity thought, that had triggered her mini breakdown. Ray had been amazing. His feelings for her had been the same and she'd known that all along, he loved her. He had done everything she needed. If she needed to be at work, but was not actually able to do everything she'd done before for him...he'd pick up the slack. He'd work in the Foundry with her. He'd tried to be the ATOM for a while, but that hadn't really worked well. Ray had even given her all the space that she needed as well as being just a friend when she needed it. Felicity was certain that he had decided that he'd just follow her lead, he'd seem to only take a step forward in their relationship if she took that step first...and even then...he'd been cautious. He'd been beyond wonderful and she felt like she really didn't deserve him.

"What's wrong?"

"I-" she started and then thought about her response. It wasn't that she wanted to lie, but she didn't want to ruin the holiday party that Diggle and Lyla were hosting. "I'm just tired," she told him and reached up to push hair away from her face and to press against her forehead. She tried to hold the tears back. It was a pathetic lie, but it wasn't entirely a lie.

Without a word, Ray turned her in his arms and just held her.

It came without her permission, like it had been a year before. The tears flooded her and her chest ached from the sobs. She hadn't wanted to break down, especially not at the holiday party. This, though, this was apparently unavoidable. It had welled up in her and she needed to let the floodgates open.

He just held her.

Eventually, she cried herself out. He still held her and didn't push for anything else. Felicity rested her head against his chest, which she'd just soaked with her tears. Her mascara was likely ruined and her face make-up in general. She'd needed it. She felt better,although she was definitely exhausted.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"No apologies necessary."

"I'm ruining Christmas for you guys…"

"I haven't honestly celebrated holidays in a long time," he said as he lifted her chin, and she let him, so that their eyes met. "And no one in the other rooms is going to think that you're ruining the holiday for them…"

"I shouldn't have come-"

"I think you needed this."

Maybe he was right.

Maybe not.

Felicity just stared at him. It was hard to know what she felt about Ray, what she felt like she had to permission to feel about him. She cared about him, but whenever her brain went to somewhere much more than that...her heart or her head or something inside of her just pushed it away. It didn't seem fair to Ray, but he seemed to be just fine with taking it at her pace...whatever that happened to be.

Silence.

"We-we should probably get back," Ray whispered as his hand dropped and he motioned towards the other room. "They've probably wondered where we've been."

Felicity didn't speak up all at once, but was trying to collect herself. She wiped the few tears that still lingered on her face and then let out a heavy sigh. "I probably look horrible."

He looked right at her. "You NEVER look horrible, Felicity."

God, he was so sweet. She couldn't help but smile in response. "I guess I should learn to bring make-up wipes with me…"

"I bet Lyla has some-"

"I don't want to-"

"No one's going to care that you were crying or that your make-up is running," Ray told her. And she knew he was right, but that didn't mean that she didn't feel self conscious just the same. "We're all friends here, right?"

"Family," Felicity corrected. She didn't miss how he seemed to smile when she said that. Even though Ray had been part of their team for nearly a year, he was definitely not a full fledged member and everyone knew that. It was likely because not only because were they holding a secret from him, but that he hadn't been there during the time of the Arrow.

"Family," he echoed.

She took his hand and walked with him back into the other room. He'd been right, Lyla had almost immediately taken her to the bathroom and she and Thea had cleaned her up. Felicity had known that everyone was hurting with the loss of Oliver, but she was certain that other than her...Thea was the one that had been feeling Oliver's loss the most. Thea had lost her brother before, when the Queen's Gambit had gone down, but this had been different...and they were the only family she really had left.

"Okay, we're going to go out there and have a good time," Thea told her once she was cleaned up and they'd hugged for what felt like fifteen minutes. Lyla had left them after the first few minutes to make sure that cookies weren't burning. "We're also going to eat cookies."

"Thea-"

"Look, I know Christmas isn't your winter holiday, but I think this means a lot to John and Lyla...and Laurel," Thea said slowly. "Honestly, I didn't want to come either. I only came because I figured it was a better option than crying into a bottle of wine."

"We could have had two bottles together," Felicity partially teased.

Thea grinned. "Next time."

"I was fine earlier-"

"Yeah, I was fine until I started to get ready," Thea said. "The person who I kept thinking about was Baby Sara… I mean, we have to watch her open her presents, right? She's at that age where she's learning to actually RIP the paper…"

"I did get her a pretty perfect gift."

"Not as good as mine, I guarantee it!"

Felicity laughed then. "I guess we'll find out." She reached out and took Thea's hand and she smiled at her. She was glad that she had Thea in her life, it was like a still having a bit of Oliver in her life...plus, Thea was just an awesome friend. She liked to think of Thea like a little sister. Thea pulled her in for a half hug and then led her out of the bathroom and back to where everyone else was.

"Just in time for cookies!" Ray told them a bit too enthusiastically before biting into one.

"We definitely can't miss the cookies," Thea said as she sat down near Ray, but with enough room that Felicity could sit in between them and she did.

Felicity reached out to grab her own cookie and put a smile on. Even though Oliver wasn't there...even though she didn't celebrate Christmas...this was her home...this was her family...and they just needed to celebrate another year that THEY had all been together. She took a bite and then found Sara being set into her lap. She took the little one, though, and helped her to get a cookie. That's what she was for, right? She was pretty much Sara's aunt, so she had to spoil her...well, technically...they ALL spoiled her.

"I'm glad that we're all together," Diggle said a few moments later.

"Me, too," a lot of them echoed.

Felicity hugged Sara and looked around at each and every one of them. No matter who was missing or how hard it was...this was home...this was her family...and they could get through anything as long as they did it together. "Me, too," she finally agreed.

TBC...