Notes: "You Are My Sunshine" + KageHina = angst galore. WhOO! Also I am not an expert regarding the type of cancer mentioned, so bear with me.
~P~
Sunshine
~P~
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You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
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It first starts to show during practice one day, and no one really thinks it's anything serious or to worry about.
Hinata complains about a dull ache around his left knee, and Daichi and Suga suggest that he had just been pushing himself too far lately, that his legs were just a bit worn out from such rigorous practice every day. No one suspects anything off because, hey, it's normal to get a little sore now and then when you train so hard on such a frequent basis. Hinata spends the rest of practice off to the side, pouting and rubbing at the pained area, wishing he could spike Kageyama's tosses like the others (but he really doesn't want to get yelled at by either his boyfriend or Daichi, so he doesn't).
He goes to bed that night expecting it to disappear with sleep, but when the morning comes, the pain is still sitting there, just below his knee, bothering him. He mentions it passively to his mother, but ultimately ignores, despite her concern, because it's nothing and he's got an early morning practice. Maybe, he thinks, if he works through it, it'll go away with a bit of stretching. He spends the majority of practice only half-focused on Kageyama's tosses to him.
One week, two weeks, three weeks, an entire month passes and it's still not gone and he's doesn't understand. What had once been a nearly unnoticeable but irritating discomfort had developed into a constant, aggravating pain, deep and ever-present within his kneecap and shin. It worries him, and he knows he should say something but he doesn't, instead grinning and bearing through it, even when Kageyama and the others ask if it's still bothering him.
"It's not," he smiles, hands instinctively twitching away from the spot he'd come to ritualistically rub whenever it would throb. "I'm fine, I swear!"
He hopes no one catches that he's lying - he's never been a very good liar.
One night, after a particularly painful practice, he notices a bizarre swelling around the area and he wonders if he might have done something in the past to injure himself. Did he jump oddly or fall the wrong way and not notice it? He goes through the practices and games he's participated in the last month and a half, but nothing strikes him, so it only confuses him further as to why he's in such pain all of a sudden.
After that, he starts to lose sleep because of it - it just hurts so much but he doesn't know what to do and that scares him but he doesn't want to tell anyone and scare them, too, so that frightened him even more and it just…! - and one day, which turns into a second and a third and eventually an entire week, he skips practice andthat's when they notice, especially Kageyama. Hinata didn't skip practice for anything; he loved it more than anything, to be around the others and spend time with his boyfriend doing a sport they both enjoyed immensely.
So why all of a sudden was he not attending?
Kageyama nags him about it - "Just tell me what's wrong, dumbass! We're together, aren't we!? So we're supposed to tell each other things!" - but Hinata still doesn't budge. Something about it truly terrifies him, the uncertainty and unknown of it, and so he's stuck. He won't do anything about it, despite the exhaustion and distractingly deep pain starting to wear him down and out. He comes to practice again, if only to stop their worrying, but he regrets it a little more with every spike he makes.
Not long after, he thinks he feels himself beginning to develop a limp and he has to force himself to walk more evenly, to not draw extra attention to himself. He likes to think he does a pretty convincing job at it, because Kageyama only glares at him suspiciously once or twice and the others don't ask if something's wrong.
It doesn't hurt as badly as he's become used to one day, and Hinata believes that maybe, for the first time in a while, he'll be able to enjoy practice again. There's a genuine smile on his features, a jump in his step, and when he sees Kageyama upon arriving at the school, he wastes no time in requesting being tossed to.
It's seeing that bright, sunny grin again that alleviates some of the uncertainty that had been pooled in Kageyama's gut as of late.
Once, twice, and Hinata can seemingly manage his spikes fine - there's still a little twinge here and there at his kneecap, but it's not so bad. Work through it, he says to himself; it had been what he was telling himself for the past two months.
Work through it. And so he does.
It's only when everyone's there and going through their own routines that it happens. Kageyama sets the ball and Hinata goes to jump, and there it is - that telltale falter that's only recently developed and it strikes something down in Kageyama. Hinata ignores it, because it's not that bad, but as he springs up and his muscles extend, something snaps, it's as if all the pain he's been suffering from culminates in that moment and it happens.
It's a quick, jolting shoot of agony that fills his knee, and his face twists as he falls from the spike, and he tries, he tries so hard to focus and land on his feet, but the next thing he knows he feels something crack in his leg and he's collapsed on the ground. He wants to pretend all is well, to stand like he just made a wrong move but instead he's biting his lip hard and his hands are grasping at the source and all he really can do is not cry.
Immediately, Kageyama is at his side, followed by Suga and then Daichi, as the others file around worriedly. Hinata is quiet, small, so unlike his energetic self in Kageyama's arms as he's held, and then suddenly there's tears and an "It hurts…" and it really, truly registers in Kageyama that something is wrong and he doesn't know what to do and it paralyzes him.
He hates that he didn't pester Hinata enough, that he didn't notice sooner that something was wrong, and he can do nothing but blame himself as the boy he loves is taken to the hospital.
.
You make me happy when skies are grey
.
Several trips to the doctor, an unexpected MRI scan and biopsy later, and it's revealed to be nothing anyone expected but everything that deep down terrified Hinata. His mother does more than enough crying for all three of them after they find out.
He wants to tell Kageyama first, but seeing his boyfriend so frustrated and pent up when he visited silences him each time he tries to bring it up. Instead it's Sugawara, and then Daichi, and it's only after encouragement from his mother and them that he finds it in himself to be truthful with Kageyama.
He watches the taller boy closely, tiredly.
"Does it hurt less?" Kageyama asks, an edge in his voice as he peers down at the area. There's something unreadable in his eyes as he does, and it makes Hinata's stomach drop. He can only shuffle and nod in response, trying to find and maintain that faltering courage within himself to confess.
"It's… broken, right?" Kageyama questions next, unsure of his words. Hinata had not yet informed him of what had happened, so he was assuming as he did so, silently wondering, hoping, fearing that he might get some kind of different answer out of the boy next to him.
"A-ah," Hinata breathes slowly, avoiding eye contact with Kageyama as his gaze turns downwards to his left knee. "Y-yeah, I guess. It's called a pathological fracture. The bone was, er… weakened and so it broke."
Kageyama's brow furrows but he nods silently, and though there are a thousand questions more he wants to voice, that are forming in his mind as he sits there, he remains still and quiet, unwilling to press unless told differently. There's a stirring within him, warning him of something he does not yet know, that he can feel in the tense atmosphere strung around them, but he can't place it nor suppress it, so he swallows and hopes that Hinata will open up more before he goes absolutely insane.
It's almost too much, too long for him as he sits there, listening to the clock on the wall tick and watching Hinata's fingers playing with the bed sheet in front of him. He wants to snap and be his usual impatient self, and holding himself back is proving more and more difficult the longer he waits.
The words are bubbling in Hinata's throat, suffocating him. He had spent the last three nights trying to think of a way to say it to him, the way that would sound the best and leave the least amount of damage, before he realized there wasn't one and that he was only prolonging Kageyama's confusion and that it wasn't fair.
He opens his mouth once, twice, before clutching the sheets and staring pointedly at them, unable and unwilling to look at the boy next to him as he speaks, slowly, lowly. "Kageyama, I—" The words catch, but he bites his tongue and through the despair in his chest, continues, "It's more than just that."
Kageyama freezes - he's never heard Hinata sound quite so small as right then. Hinata, the louder-and-larger-than-life idiot volleyball prodigy, sounded nothing but scared in a way that made Kageyama's heart seize, in a way that he never expected nor wanted to hear. It's as if he's stopped breathing as he waits for what Hinata has to say next, and he could have sworn that he felt his world halt momentarily when Hinata's words enter his ears.
"It's… called osteosarcoma. I-In other words, it's cancer."
The gravity of Hinata's words do not immediately hit Kageyama. He simply stares, as if trying to analyze every single word that had been said to him, mind lost but abuzz all at once before it settles - and bam, the realization is sitting there, burrowing the reality deep in his conscience, but he can still do nothing but blink, trying and failing to gather his increasingly scattered thoughts.
Hinata still can't, won't look at him, and instead turns to gaze out the window, prepared to speak again only when he knows Kageyama has had his time to process it. He wants to feign ignorance, strength that he does not have, but feels his throat constrict and his chest ache and eyes sting and he wants to cry. Something in him had refused to do so when he had originally been informed of what was wrong - maybe it was watching his own mother in tears that prevented him, made him want to be strong because she could not for him - but it was like all of really it hit him right then and it's just too damn much. Too much has happened and Hinata is exhausted and he just wants to let it go, but Kageyama's still not saying a thing.
He feels something like tears forming against the waterline of his eyes, and he moves his hand to wipe at them, because there is still that little shred in him that refuses to yield any show of weakness to the boy beside him, but it stops when Kageyama reaches out and clasps his own around it. He turns, wide-eyed, to look at his boyfriend, whose face is unreadable, though his eyes reflect a dark storm.
Slowly, Kageyama's grip tightens and he squeezes Hinata's hand gently, experimentally, and he hopes that the tremble of his own isn't too noticeable. Hinata's grateful for the show of affection, for something to tether him back to the ground so his thoughts don't escape too high and his heart doesn't fall too low. The strained atmosphere evaporates as the quiet moments pass, and Hinata's feels just a bit lighter than before, a little more comfortable. After a while, he decides to fill it with random information he'd been told regarding his newfound condition.
"If there's any kind of plus side to the situation," Hinata says, watching as Kageyama's thumb drags across his knuckles, "it's that it hasn't spread… I have localized osteosarcoma, which means it's only in the one place below my knee. That's a really good thing, Kageyama." He hopes that the relief he's trying to put into his voice transfers to Kageyama, because he can still feel that shaking against his palm as it's been held.
Kageyama still has no verbal response, instead opting to nod stiffly, waiting for Hinata to continue. Hinata sighs, but does so. "I'm going to do chemo and then get surgery to remove it," he further explains, eyes fixated on their interlocked hands, "After that, rehabilitation will take… I think around a year, they said. Lots of stuff with learning to get used to moving with the metal implant. But—"
He pauses, mind drifting back to the part of it all that really scared him (beyond possibly dying, that is). Despite how he had tried to keep those particular thoughts at bay each time they invaded his mind, they were always there during the long, quiet times he spent alone, waiting to haunt him and frighten him. He hadn't openly discussed them or even passively mentioned them to anyone, but he figures if there's one person he can trust with his fears in this situation, it's Kageyama.
"—I'm not sure if I'll be able to jump like before. Actually…" He bites his lip, hard, and forces himself to keep speaking, "I'm pretty sure I won't be able to. I mean, I'll get used to the metal implant eventually, but I'm not sure if it'll allow me to be able to jump as high as I used to." He laughs bitterly, surprising Kageyama, and his hands ball into angry fists. "Kinda funny, right? Of course, just when I really start to get the hang of being able to play volleyball with all of you, something like thishappens and whatever potential or usefulness I had is just… gone. I won't be able to spike or block anymore - I won't be Karasuno's Greatest Decoy anymore, either. I'm gonna be—"
"No." The single word is enough to stop the fit he was about to work himself into, and he looks up and stares at Kageyama. "You're not going to be useless and I don't want to hear that." Hinata is startled by how sure the setter sounds, but even more so by how upset his voice is. Even during their worst of fights, Kageyama's voice had never wavered like that. "Y-you're going to be okay, that's what! You're— you're not— What's important isn't volleyball right now, all right?"
Hinata swallows as he realizes how serious Kageyama is, and remains silent.
"What's important to all of us—" Kageyama hand tightens almost painfully around Hinata's as a sort of desperation fills him, "—What's important to me is that you're going to be okay. You're going to be okay…" Was he saying it so much to reaffirm its truth to himself or Hinata? "…And you're going to come back and it's going to be fine, dammit. I don't care about how high you can jump as long as you're still on the court with me." Kageyama might have been embarrassed by what he had said under normal circumstances, but nothing about this situation was normal and he couldn't keep himself silent any longer.
The words sink in then and Hinata's heart swells and for the first time in weeks that smile of his is so genuine and bright that it stretches his entire face, and seeing it calms Kageyama, brings him back from whatever he was falling into. He looks at Hinata for a long, long time, taking in his happy features and flushed cheeks and that sunny personality that he both adores and hates, and feels himself falling in love all over again and the pain in his chest lessens just a bit. Hinata always had this effect on him, and he would make sure nothing happened to him so that he always would.
"T-thanks, Kageyama," Hinata murmurs, flushing a little more under Kageyama's intense gaze. He feels so sheepish, but so peaceful sitting there, hand in hand with his boyfriend, thankful for the distraction it all brings from the blandness of his days spent in the hospital.
The moment having passed, it all catches up with Kageyama then and suddenly he's blushing, too, grumbling and pouting and Hinata can't help but let his smile widen at the adorable sight. "D-don't thank me, dumbass - you're the one who made the promise, remember? You're not going to go anywhere because you promised that we still have to face off, so I'm not letting anything happen to you. I'm… I'm just enforcing what you said, is all." At this, Kageyama makes a point in huffing and crossing his arms.
Hinata wants nothing more than to tease his boyfriend right then, to rile him up like he always would, but instead decides to grasp at the rarely offered chance sitting in front of him, and so he tugs at their interconnected hands and places his lips firmly, quickly against Kageyama's. This action earns him several seconds of comforting warmth in the form of a kiss and, when Kageyama realizes what's going on, a swat and several strings of curses before his grumpy boyfriend decides to indulge both of them again in a clumsy, soft lip lock.
And in that instant, Hinata really feels like it's going to be okay - that he's going to be okay.
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You'll never know, dear, how much I love you
.
Hinata begins chemotherapy treatments shortly after that visit from Kageyama. He's more than a little distressed by his hair loss after the second treatment - even though the doctor informed him - and he isn't pleased when his mother simply suggests that they shave the remaining amount off. He can only imagine the teasing he will receive from his stupid boyfriend. He thinks about how he'll miss his head full of curly orange hair, but even more so how he'll miss Kageyama tugging at it and playing with it during the rare times they cuddled (he doesn't tell Kageyama this, though, of course).
He feels a little better about it when Tanaka tells him he's just as cool as his senpai now that they match.
Everyone is grateful to find that Hinata responds well to his cycles of chemotherapy, and Hinata himself is even more so that he can return home after the first two. He's a little less excitable, more tired and just the slightest bit quieter from the toll they take on him, but all in all he proves to spring back well and good after the end of each of them. His biopsies reveal that more and more of the cancer's cells are dying after every cycle, and one day, his doctor comes to him with the happy information that surgery is now a realistic - and close - possibility, if he should so choose it. Finally, it seems, there's a light at the end of the tunnel that had been the past bleak months of Hinata's life.
The night after he's told, he dreams of nothing more than returning to the court with his team.
He's excited to tell everyone, but he waits until after the decision his officially made and a date set - approximately three weeks later - before telling anyone. This time, he wants Kageyama to be the first to know, and he can barely contain his excitement when he answers his door and finds the taller boy standing there.
"Hey." Kageyama's tone is relaxed, casual.
"Hey!" Hinata greets him back, before reaching for his hand and tugging him inside. He makes sure to sneak past Natsu - she'd want to talk with Kageyama forever if she saw him - and they end up in his room without much trouble.
It's a comfortable silence that fills the space as they sit there. Kageyama is ever-impatient, but he is content to just sit and watch Hinata there beside him in that moment, soaking in his smile and the happiness he is radiating. The sight made his heart beat a little faster, made his own lips stretch into something of a smile. He'd become so used to seeing either a blank look or a sad grimace on Hinata's features in the past weeks or for him to be giving off a glum mood and Kageyama hadn't liked it one bit. So to see that sun that Hinata personified so well shining through again, it made him happy, too.
He decides to make conversation, if only because he wants to hear Hinata speak. He won't admit it, but he's missed just being with Hinata. Once in a while wasn't enough when he used to see him every day. "Your chemo…" he starts, and Hinata blinks to signal he's listening, "How many more cycles do you have?"
Hinata jumps, eyes brightening even further. "Actually," he scratches his cheek and looks away, "I'm done with chemo."
Kageyama's genuinely surprised, and an eyebrow shoots up to display this. He feels a tug of dread in the bottom of his heart, though he barely wills himself to ignore it. "Huh? Since when?"
"Since about… say, a week or so ago?" Hinata shrugs, and Kageyama's eyes narrow at him, confused. There was only a small handful of reasons as to why Hinata would have stop chemotherapy treatments - one, they weren't working anymore, which Kageyama knew wasn't the answer because Hinata wouldn't be as happy as he clearly was in that moment; two, the cancer had cleared up completely, which Kageyama also knew was unlikely; and three… "I'm gonna get the surgery, Kageyama."
As quickly as they had narrowed, Kageyama's eyes fly open. Whatever uncertainty, fear that had been forming in his stomach disappeared and it's all he can do to utter, "What?"
Hinata grins and he seems as though he's nearly vibrating. "It's happening in a little less than a month," he explains, trying not to rush his words together as he speaks, "The doctor told me that the chemo been working really well and said that surgery was a possible option now because my condition was improving so… I decided to do it!" He waits for some kind of positive reaction from Kageyama then, impatiently squirming in his spot for a response.
And the first thing Kageyama can do is sigh heavily, and he feels some of the tension that had been building in his shoulders fade, replaced by a desperately-needed relief that fills his chest and makes it ache. That rarely expressed terror of losing Hinata that had been slowly eating away at the back of his mind lessened just a bit - the situation was finally beginning to turn into an optimistic direction. He wasn't going to have to spend all of his time thinking about a future where— no. Stop.
It was going to be okay. It really was.
Kageyama says nothing, and so Hinata frowns and huffs, and is about to reach over and annoy his boyfriend for a word or two when he is stopped by a sudden pressure on his shoulder. He sits, stiff and surprised, for but a second before realizing that Kageyama his pressing his face to his neck, and suddenly he's overcome. Overcome by the time they've been apart, from the moments they've lost as a result of it all, by just not being with the boy he loves. He isn't the least bit hesitant as he might have been when they had just begun dating, and so he reaches up and his hands find purchase in soft dark locks and the thick fabric of Kageyama's shirt.
They sit there like that for who knows how long, with no words said between them, warmth being the only thing exchanged. When Hinata moves to pull a way for a second, Kageyama simply pulls him closer, holds him more tightly and almost desperately than before and he feels like he wants to cry. The tears that threaten to spill are not at all like the ones when Hinata had originally told Kageyama about the situation - they're full of relief, but they're also distraught, scared of a chance possibility that could have occurred.
He knows Kageyama feels the same way, even if he won't say it.
When they finally separate, silence follows for a short bit before Kageyama finally utters, "I'm… glad." And he is, he really is. He swallows thickly when Hinata stares at him, trying to eliminate the tightness in his throat and the pressure behind his ears, though nearly all he can hear is blood rushing through them.
"Yeah," Hinata breathes, bringing his hand up to instinctively pull through a head of hair that no longer exists. He frowns before he makes the decision to no longer focus on the unspoken what-ifs of it all. Those scenarios aren't going to happen anymore, if it all went as well as it currently was - which the doctor informed him was most likely going to be the case. "But, hey, you know, this means I'll get to play volleyball with you again."
Kageyama is grateful for the change of atmosphere in the room. "Good," he coughs and looks away, trying to hide the smile curling on his lips as he considers Hinata's words. He misses it - being on the court with him, setting to him, playing with him. He wants again, more than anything, to share his love and passion for the sport with the person he loves, too. "Noya-san and Tanaka-senpai won't shut up about you returning, so… they'll be happy."
Hinata smiles at the not-so-hidden meaning behind Kageyama's words - I want you to come back; I'm happy, too.
"How long will rehab take?" Kageyama asks then, genuinely curious.
Hinata starts, and his eyes grow wide, as if he had forgotten about the entire process of rehabilitating afterwards. And, in a way, he did. A part of him wanted nothing more than to be up and recovered as soon as he woke up from the surgery, but he also knows that this is unrealistic. "A-ah, something like six months to a year," he admits quietly. He doesn't like to talk about it, because he knows that more he thinks about it, the sadder he'll make himself. Sure, he will return to volleyball, but not to the same team he wished he could play with. And certainly not in time for the possibility of nationals that year.
Kageyama nods and slaps a fisted hand into his palm, causing Hinata to jump. "Okay, okay. Well, that means that you'll probably be back to being able to play regularly a few months before the Spring Interhigh next year." He grins suddenly, a confident and raring thing that builds a fire to play in Hinata. "You know that means we'll have to train you that much harder to make up for the time you've missed, right? When Daichi-san and Suga-san and Azumane-san all come back to see the team, they're going to want to see all the progress we've made."
A matching smile of determination stretches across Hinata's face then, and his head bobs as he shouts, "Of course! I'm gonna work ten times as hard as you and be even better than before!"
Kageyama makes a noise of agreement then, and for a second, Hinata really believes he'll be able to return to how everything once was. If just for a moment, he thinks he'll be able to jump that much higher, to play alongside the same team mates he's come to trust and adore. He chooses to pretend to believe this for just a little longer.
It's abrupt then, when Hinata grabs Kageyama's arms and pulls him down beside him on his bed, and though the setter protests, he allows himself to lie next to the shorter boy without much complaint. He doesn't argue and or try to squirm away, but instead he is quiet, Hinata held close to his chest. He grumbles when he feels a kiss pressed to his lips, but he counters by tugging the mischievous boy back and planting a longer, deeper one on his own, leaving Hinata breathless in a way he hasn't been in seemingly forever.
Hinata's eyes are half-lidded as he peers at Kageyama, before closing the gap between them again. Bruising kiss after bruising kiss follows, with roaming hands and gentle murmurs all in between. It's only when Kageyama's hands reach for Hinata's head to grip at his hair, only to be greeted with a handful of nothing, that he blinks and stares for a minute, having momentarily forgotten about his boyfriend's lack of a hair.
Hinata looks at him, before a laugh falls from his lips. Kageyama only pouts, before muttering, "I miss your hair."
"So do I," Hinata leans his forehead against his as he speaks, "but it'll grow back soon enough. Then you'll be able to grab it all you want~" Kageyama flushes at the insinuation in Hinata's tone, but doesn't care to yell, instead choosing to stifle his laughs with a harsh kiss. "K-Kageyama—" He ignores Hinata's moan, and is about to flip him over on his bed when suddenly, the door to his room flies open and Natsu's babbling fills the space.
"Hey, hey - I thought I heard Kagenii's voice coming from Niichan's room!" she shouts happily, and only stops to stare curiously when she realizes the position they are in. "Whatcha two doing?" Hinata both curses and praises the fact that she's too young to understand what's going on right then.
Kageyama goes redder than a tomato in an instant and Hinata himself would have disintegrated into laughter if it wasn't for the fact that he is, too. When they say nothing in response, Natsu tells them that she's going to go ask their mother, and it's only then that they scramble apart from each other and chase after the little redheaded girl.
It kind of feels like things are going back to normal, just almost.
~P~
The three weeks prior to the surgery fly by and before any of them knew it, it was suddenly the night before and Hinata could barely sit still.
"Sit down, idiot," Kageyama commands, frowning at the boy sitting before him, fidgeting around excessively in his bed.
"I can't!" he complains, hands hitting down at his sides in a childish manner. "I'm restless, dammit! It's not even that I'm nervous - I just… I wanna get through it and start rehab and play volleyball again already!"
Kageyama can only sigh, sympathetic to Hinata's physical unrest. He can understand why he's like he is after so long of not playing - Lord knows that Kageyama would be the exact same, worse even, in the same situation. "Don't go getting too worked up and hurting yourself before you even get back, all right?" He crosses his arms and tries to give Hinata a stern look, but it only turns into another sigh at the rather adorable face the other boy is making.
"I won't!" Hinata tells him, "I'm gonna be completely, 100% healed and then make up for all the practice I've missed." He winks at Kageyama and smiles, "I've got to catch up and surpass you if I'm ever going to keep my promise of beating you - which I intend to do."
"Oh, now?" Kageyama smirks, feeling that familiar warmth stirring in his chest. This is what he can't wait to have back - Hinata, in all his infuriating optimism and raw confidence that challenges him and annoys him but that he loves more than anything else. Leaning over, Kageyama feels his face flush but he continues with his intentions - he needs to say it and Hinata deserves to know. "I'm… I'm glad you're coming back, Hinata." It's the first time he's really voiced out loud just how he feels, and it makes Hinata's heart swell.
"And I'm glad to be coming back," he whispers back simply, before closing the distance between them. Neither of them, least of all Kageyama, complains about the sudden show affection.
Hinata sleeps heavily and well through the night, mind occupied by nothing but volleyball, and the next morning, bright and early, he goes in for his surgery. A last minute call of encouragement from the team calms him down right before, and it goes without a hitch from that point on. Several hours afterwards, Hinata awakens, dizzy and sore, with a metal implant just below his left knee and it really hits him that it's happened. The tears spill freely and for the first time in months he does nothing to stop them.
Adjuvant chemotherapy treatments follow to kill off the remaining cancer cells, along with the added hill of rehabilitation. But Hinata would be damned before he let anything get in his way of returning to the court, to his friends. There's yelling and pain and times when he's told to just stop but he can't and won't so he doesn't. He will return to his team - he promised them, he promised himself, he promised Kageyama.
He will - even if he won't be at his best like before, he will.
.
Please, don't take my sunshine away…
.
It happens seven months after his surgery, six months into his rehabilitation. He'd gotten used to moving around with his metal implant, was beginning to come to actual terms with how his ability to jump had changed, his determination to return to Karasuno had only grown when it shows up.
It's after a CT scan that he's told, and just like that it's like his world comes crashing around him again and suddenly, it's like it was all for nothing. The osteosarcoma had metastasized to his lungs, and it's suggested that he has an MRI to determine whether or not it was anywhere else.
Hinata's not sure how to feel when he's informed that it's spread to his right leg, as well.
It's like it all happens both in slow motion and altogether too quickly after that - he has to tell Kageyama again and it's so, so much harder than the first time. The second time, Kageyama can barely spare a word before he hugs Hinata like he's going to disappear, because all over again, he could and neither of them can handle that; because Hinata knows that it's going to happen somewhere in the back of his mind.
He's put on both radiation therapy and chemotherapy, and he holds a twinge of hope that he might be as lucky as the first time. He wonders if he should find it bitterly ironic or bitingly realistic that both methods fail after multiple attempts, and that the cancer only becomes more and more aggressive after that. What follows is resection surgery after resection surgery on his lungs to rid them of the constantly recurrent nodules that continue to form.
He knows, deep down, what will come after that when he sees the look of horror that passes by his mother's face when she speaks with the doctor, but hearing the words actually leave the doctor's mouth still rattles his mind, still terrifies him, still makes him wish it was all just a bad, bad dream.
"Hinata, at this point, I'm afraid that our only option is to amputate your right leg, to prevent further metastasizing to your lungs and other parts of your body."
The second those words enter his ears, everything stops and ceases to continue. All of a sudden, all those not-so-farfetched dreams about returning to volleyball, to playing what he loved with whom he loved, to going to nationals with his team and winning, to one day beating Kageyama - just like that, it was all gone. There's a flurry of emotions in his chest - anger, disappointment, misery, hopelessness; every negative feeling he could ever think of is pent up in him, swirling together to make a toxic, irreversible mess of volatility.
His future, and everything he ever had to look forward to, has been ripped away from him.
He doesn't cry that night as he sleeps - instead, he stares at the wall, mind abuzz like never before with nothing but a blank, dead look covering his face. He knows he should accept it, but he doesn't want to nor can he, but there's nothing he can do about it. In less than a month, one of the sole things that had made him stand out, made him special and worth something at the sport he loved would be taken from him permanently, and he would never be able to really, truly play volleyball again. Whatever he had been working towards had been taken from him and it was over.
He starts to think about how he will tell the others - especially Kageyama. He thinks about how he won't ever perform one of their 'freak' quicks again, how he won't feel that anticipation as he jumps to spike, won't see that view as his palm connects with the ball, won't feel the sting in his hand ever again. His mind drifts to how Kageyama will continue on without him and his chest aches - Kageyama would go on with the other Karasuno members; he would still be able to play and participate in games and tournaments - he might even go to nationals and eventually, he would graduate and be able to play professionally—
Hinata forces his mind off that train of thought, because he can feel a certain poisonous bitterness, a sickening jealousy forming in his heart the longer he entertains it. He ignores it to the best of his ability, but it still sits there in him, and he's never felt guiltier than right then. He would like to be happy at the success Kageyama will have, but he can't. Not now, maybe not ever.
He doesn't know.
He waits until a week before the operation to tell Kageyama, not knowing how to go about it. Simply telling the setter about the cancer the first time and its reoccurrence had been hard enough, but this is entirely different matter. Despite how he wishes there were, there isn't any way for this to be easy to say or bring up.
Kageyama is ever-quiet as he sits in Hinata's hospital room, and though he wants to question Hinata's uncharacteristic silence, he doesn't. The atmosphere around them is tense and heavy and he knows, just knows that something is off. In it's the way that Hinata isn't bouncing around, isn't smiling and how his eyes aren't shining - he looks utterly miserable and the sight makes Kageyama's chest clench. This isn't Hinata; this quiet, unhappy person huddled before him isn't the rolling ball of sunshine that he knows and loves and just realizing that hurts as much as watching him like this does.
For some reason, all of a sudden, Hinata cannot stand the silence surrounding him and he can't find it in himself to build up to the confession, to suffer through it any longer than necessary or find a way to cushion the blow. He's exhausted and done and he can't bring himself to care any longer. "I'm getting my right leg amputated next week," he admits bluntly, glaring at the lump under the sheets that he's talking about.
It takes a second to click, but when it does Kageyama's face twists in confusion, and his chair makes an awful noise as he jolts up out of it. "What!?"
"You heard me!" Hinata bites out, expression growing into that of frustration as he turns to look up at Kageyama, "It's getting cut off; it's gonna be gone, there's not gonna be anything there! That's what I said!" Each time he repeats himself, it pierces his heart a little more, but he is much too angry to focus on that. He's livid, all of his anger accumulating and filling him in that moment, and judging by the way Kageyama's eyes flash, he is, too.
"What the hell?!" he yells, before narrowly realizing that it is night time and that they are still in a hospital, so his voice falls just above a harsh whisper. "Why didn't you tell me sooner? In a week—" He stops momentarily when he realizes how quickly it is all happening, and he nearly stumbles back. "How long have you known about this? Why didn't you say anything, Hinata, tell me, dammit!"
Many different things are trying, dying to express themselves in Kageyama right then, but the one that makes it through, that makes itself known is incredulous anger. There's disbelief there, fear behind it, and something else there fuelling it all and he's more frantic that he's ever been before. He doesn't get it, he doesn't understand, and possibly what pains him the most is the apathetic way Hinata said it to him, as if he himself had already given up on caring.
He refuses to believe it.
"Because none of it really matters anymore," Hinata says lowly, dully, previous ire gone as quickly as it had formed. He's much too exhausted, too drained to really put in the effort that's needed to be angry. "The chemo and radiation therapy aren't working anymore so this is the only option I have left. And what difference would it have made if I had told you last week or the night before it happened? None, that's what. Either way, it's… it's still going to be amputated in a matter of days."
He hopes he imagines that way his voice is wobbling as he speaks, that the forced indifference isn't too obvious. He wants to not care so badly, but it will never be as easy, as painless as he wants it to be. Pain, crippling and all-consuming, washes over him and he wants to get angry, to vent, to cry, the pressure behind his eyes almost becomes too much for him to ignore, but he does it somehow. He curls into himself and looks away from the seething boy, unwilling to have him see him like he is.
He will not break.
"What are you even saying, dumbass?" Kageyama leans forward and grips his shirt tightly in a fist when Hinata won't look at him, "This isn't just something you can brush off so easily! This is serious! You're—" He swallows as his dark eyes cast down to Hinata's right leg, his mind trying, failing to imagine a future when it wasn't there. "You're going to lose a limb, dammit - how can you be like this? I… I won't letyou be like this!" He knows Hinata's hiding from him; that he's actually upset, distraught, in a state of complete and utter disarray but he won't open up to him and it hurts.
Hinata says nothing in response, and Kageyama continues if only to fill the suffocating atmosphere of the room. "I know you're lying to yourself right now - stop it already. You're allowed to be angry and sad and scream, okay? You're allowed to be all those things so why won't you let yourself?" He doesn't notice how his voice drops lower with each word he speaks. Hinata still won't look at him and he can't do it anymore - he knows that he's not getting anywhere so what's the point? His anger flows out of him, replaced by a sense of desperation he never thought he would feel. "Rely on me, dammit…"
Kageyama's hold on his shirt loosens, and it instead curls around his hand and Hinata wants to lean into the warmth that he exuding but just barely stops himself. He bites his lip, hard enough to bleed, and feels that familiar wetness against his waterline and before he can do anything to stop the tears, they fall down his cheek. He wants to reach up and wipe them away before Kageyama can notice, but the other boy is much too close and before Hinata can turn his face away and hope that he didn't seem them, he looks up and his eyes widen at the sight.
He broke.
Hinata's throat burns and his chest aches oh-so painfully as Kageyama stares, and he expects himself to feel humiliated, to get annoyed at his inability to keep it all locked up, but instead there's nothing but raw relief there. His vision becomes blurrier as the tears intensify and all he can feel is a sense of serenity at finally letting all of it out. But alongside that bizarre peace is an acceptance of the fear and unfairness he had been putting at bay - it's a flurrying storm of emotion intermixing with a quiet, empty calm.
Hinata opens his mouth to speak but instead hiccups, and slowly Kageyama sits back, though his hand remains steady against the other boy's. Kageyama takes in a shaky breath and steels himself for whatever is going to happen, to make sure that he, too, does not break down. Hinata needs a strong wall to support him in that moment and Kageyama will be that and everything more for him. But simply listening to those soft sobs and seeing those tears roll is enough to make his entire composure shatter, and he feels a similar show of waterworks threatening to overspill from his eyes.
"I'm gonna lose the one thing that makes me special," Hinata suddenly blurts out as he fruitlessly swipes at his tears, and Kageyama's eyes narrow in confusion. "By losing my leg, I'm not… I won't be able to jump anymore. I won't even be able to walk normally let alone ever play volleyball again. I'm going to be… useless at the one thing I love to do! I can't go to nationals anymore, I can't play with you guys ever again - I'll never be able to beat you and keep my promise! I-I'm going to be worthless!"
Kageyama's chest aches so badly as he listens to the self-deprecating words leaving Hinata's mouth, but the smaller boy won't let him interject, too frantic and far gone to hold back any longer. "It's not fair," Hinata's voice quietens minutely, and he casts his gaze to his bed sheets, to where his hands are clutching at. "How is any of this fair? As… As soon as I finally start to fit in with a team, when I finally start to get good at volleyball and really enjoy it - w-when I finally meet someone who will stick with me and challenge me—" A lump forms in Kageyama's throat when Hinata directs a sad look at him, "—it's… gone. Just like that. It wasn't even ayear - I just don't… get it…" And just like that, he falls silent, completely and utterly emotionally spent.
The situation calls for Kageyama to say something back, to do something - but that's just it, he doesn't because he isn't sure where to even begin. He doesn't know what to do and he feels like an idiot for not being able to help the boy he loves even when he needs him the most. Hinata's words are still ringing in his ears, repeating themselves over and over though he is unable to grasp them, to really picture a future where they are the reality he knows that they soon will be.
A Karasuno team without a Greatest Decoy. No more 'freak' quick that stuns audiences and leaves their opponents in their tracks. No more day-to-day practices filled with grumpy exchanges and lingering touches. A court that did not have Hinata next him on it. No mismatched miracle pair. No more future where they would face off together, as they had promised, to determine an ultimate victor.
All of it is baffling to him; that it would soon - already had - come to an end. To Kageyama, all of it seemed so natural and comfortable, like he had been in that position and in the same situation forever, yet it had only been little more than a couple of months that he had been in Karasuno, that he had known Hinata. He had settled into it so easily, firmly believing that none of it would ever change, and now that it was, so quickly and so drastically, it seemed unreal to him.
He stops for the briefest of moments to just look and stare at the boy sitting before him, sniffling, so different from how he had once been. Hinata had once been an uncontrollable ball of sunshine, always raring to go and try and better himself - he would fiercely defend any of his friends, he was infuriatingly determined about every little thing he involved himself in, was endlessly encouraging… There was always a spark in his eyes and glow to his features, a bright smile lighting up his face that never seemed to disappear. It had once annoyed Kageyama, everything about him, especially that damned grin of his, but now he couldn't bear to imagine a Hinata without it. Yet there he sat before him, drained and dull and barely able to hold onto his old sunny self.
Kageyama couldn't, wouldn't lose that - he wouldn't let Hinata lose it.
Slowly, uncertainly, he opens his mouth to speak. "D-don't," he begins, before coughing awkwardly and gaining a watery gaze from Hinata. "Don't say those things about yourself - ever. I never want to hear you talk about yourself like that again. You're not going to be worthless or useless or anything like that… you're just not. You're… You're going to fight through this just like always and come out on the other side because you're you and you can never back down from a challenge… You're… dumb like that." This earns something between a laugh and gurgle from Hinata, which makes Kageyama flush as he realizes what he's saying and just how stupid he sounds.
"I-it's true!" he argues softly, hand tightening around Hinata's. Taking a few long moments to compose himself, he sighs before turning to look at Hinata, and immediately finds encouragement to continue in the small, sad smile that he is giving him. "You might not be able to do those things anymore but you're still you and you're not worthless to anyone - not to the team or to your mother or Natsu orme. You're worth more than your ability to play a sport… So, please…" He's playing absently with their now intertwined fingers, voice gentle and quiet, "Please, don't think you are."
He feels like an idiot, feels as though his face is hotter than the centre of the Earth, feels like his heart is going to burst. He remains wooden as he waits for a response, and becomes alarmed when he hears Hinata wail next to him. His head swivels around to see Hinata mustering, trying to hold a smile on his face, tears still trailing. And Kageyama's heart breaks rather than bursts because he knows that he can say it all but that doesn't change any of it. All he can do is soften the blow of an inevitable reality with kind words and an unspoken fear of his own.
Hinata cries until his eyes are red and scratchy, until his throat is raw and painful, and even then tears still slip from his eyes, empty but unable to stop. At some point, Kageyama joins him in the bed, closely, cautiously holding him. He feels Hinata's tears on his hands, and his stomach twists and it's there again, that pressure behind his eyelids and urge to cry, as well. Kageyama buries his face in Hinata's neck, pressing a kiss to its skin and murmuring something he hasn't said in a long, long time.
"I love you, Hinata." It's a simple thing, but Kageyama knows he doesn't say it often enough, and that now more than ever Hinata needs to hear it, to know it. There's a million other words behind the phrase – "I'm here for you." "You're not alone in this." "Lean on me." – and he hopes that they get through to him.
Hinata blinks to clear his vision, and he nods. "I do, too. I love you," he says back, feeling a momentary distraction in the exchange and the warmth that it causes to blossom in his chest. There's an underlying gratitude attached to it, for everything he had said and the comfort he was providing. He isn't sure whether he's surprised or not when he feels an indistinguishable wetness against his nape, but he decides not to question it, either.
It's silent then, for a long while. The room is still charged with tension, still stuffy and uncomfortable but Hinata finds that it's become somewhat bearable now that he's vented some and has Kageyama with him. Exhaustion consumes him and he doesn't feel like fighting it for once, instead allowing his eyelids to droop and a yawn to escape his lips.
Kageyama is lulled into a sense of tiredness by the evening out of Hinata's breath, but without having to focus on Hinata's crying, it is suddenly much too quiet for him and his mind begins to wander to dark places. He imagines it – more so than a court without Hinata on it, instead a life where he isn't there at all. The possibility instantly ensnares him, weaving itself into his thoughts and strangling the remaining hope that was still dwindling within them.
A life without Hinata, where he wasn't there to brighten Kageyama's dreary world. A place that existed entirely without sunshine, from where it had been taken. Forcefully, cruelly, unforgivingly.
He jolts from his half-sleep at the thought before realizing that the boy is still there, in his arms, next to him. He's not gone. The sudden movement causes Hinata to stir with a sleepy "Kageyama?" following.
His chest is rising almost frantically and tears line his eyes, and he forces himself to lay, to calm down. He tugs Hinata closer before simply shaking his head, trying to ignore the venomous thoughts in his mind and the fear capturing his heart, and whispers, "It's… fine. I'm—"
He stops short, not knowing what to say. It's not okay – he's not okay, Hinata's okay, none of it is okay. It hasn't been for a long time and it won't be for a long time, either.
"I'm sorry," is what he settles on. He apologizes for it all, for everything that Hinata has suffered through and that he will continue to in the future, though he knows there's no point to it, before once again pulling Hinata closer and finally giving way to sleep. A part of him deludes himself into thinking that if he keeps Hinata closer, closer, that it will ward off his previous thoughts, that it will prevent them from seeping into his dreams.
It doesn't.
~P~
The following week drags on far too long for anyone's liking. It's filled with nothing but dread and fear and waiting – so much waiting, it seems. Kageyama spends the week focused on nothing but that one possibility – the only thing that can even mildly distract him from it is volleyball, but even then it lingers in the back of his head, throwing off his tosses. It looms around him constantly, and though it may not be the main thing occupying his mind, it's always there, nagging at the corners of a fraying conscience.
The more he pushes it away, the harder it snaps back.
The day before Hinata is scheduled in for his amputation, Kageyama visits and something overcomes him when he looks at Hinata – like, he realizes with a swallow, it's the last time he'll ever see him – and he almost wants to launch himself at the shorter boy. Instead, he just barely settles for a broken littering of kisses across Hinata's cheek and a shaky embrace. The laugh he receives sounds a little happier than before, but rather than irritating him, rather that stirring butterflies in his stomach, its jingle just reverberates in his ears, repeating and repeating itself until it haunts and mocks him.
He can't sleep that night, and wonders if Hinata can't, either. He wishes he was with him.
It's nearly three days later before he's allowed to go and see Hinata, and even though he's dying to, there's a part of him that's hesitant, that isn't sure if he wants to see him in such a state. He only manages to convince himself to go when he realizes just how much Hinata must be going through if that's what he himself is thinking.
And it's even worse than his imagination could fathom, than his heart can take.
Hinata greets him with what he hopes is a smile but knows isn't, and one look at Kageyama is enough to know that he doesn't have to pretend. Kageyama stands next to the bed and tries to resist the urge to stare at the obvious space under the sheets, but it's clear to them both and so it's as if there's a silent okay passed when Hinata takes his hand, trembling all the while. He gathers whatever it is that he needs so he can look at it, and when he does so it still ends up hitting him full force, like he hadn't known at all in the first place.
It's gone.
There's a noticeable definition between what's left of Hinata's right leg and what isn't there any longer, in the mismatched length between his left and right sides. Kageyama's grip tightens considerably on Hinata's hand, and a wave crashes over him, making his stomach twist and head spin and he feels utterly sick. It's really gone.
Kageyama does a great show of keeping it together – one might have expected that he would have freaked out or ran out of the room or even cried, and he's sort of surprised he didn't do any of them, too. But despite the swirl of emotions filling him, instead of making him want to flee, they keep him solidly standing there, weighing him down and making him unable to even move to sit.
"H-how—" He coughs to try to even out his shaking voice, but he can still feel that bit of a tremble in his throat as the words leave his mouth, "How are you feeling…?" It's a dumb question – he's aware – because he knows exactly how Hinata feels in that moment, or at least likes to think he can begin to understand it. He says it because he has to, has to say something to fill in the silence of the space around him and the blood rushing through his ears; he needs to focus on something beside the missing limb – anything.
"Uh, good? I guess. Yeah, I'm all right. It hurts but that's normal," Hinata responds back, voice dull and tired, and though his words say one thing, his tone insinuates his true state of emotion and he knows that Kageyama knows, too. He can't find the energy in himself to lie anymore, to pretend he's okay when he's really not. And he doesn't want to, because it hurts to lie to Kageyama and he doesn't like doing it.
Kageyama doesn't even have to give him a look or scold him before the truth of it comes tumbling from his mouth. "No." Kageyama simply pulls Hinata closer as he watches the boy bite his lip, hard. Hinata's face is down-turned and his back is shaking. "I'm just, I—" Anger consumes him and leaves in the form of hot tears that burn as they leak down his face. His hand grasps the fabric of his sheets, tugging and twisting at it with white knuckles. He wants to express all of that pent up frustration that has a hold of him, but it won't go, can't go; it never will. It exhausts him and drains him the longer he lets it occupy his mind but there's nothing he can do about it and this just aggravates him that much further. He's turned into a big emotional mess, and it will always be there, even in years to come – if there's years to come.
"I'm not," he whispers harshly, through tears and sniffles. "It's never gonna be—I'm never gonna be— I—" He tries to form a coherent sentence but all he can manage is broken phrases and screwed up attempts, but that gets it across to Kageyama better than anything else could have. The relief he feels his momentary but it's enough for Hinata right then. All he needs is a short distraction from his misery, a brief reprieve from his sorrow, and Kageyama's happy to provide at least that much.
Kageyama brings an unsteady hand to the back of Hinata's neck, pressing his face to his shoulder and resting his own head on top of Hinata's. He doesn't say he 'gets it' because he knows he never will, doesn't tell Hinata to calm down or to talk it out because he can tell that it's still too new, still too fresh and that he needs this, like every other time before. Hinata needs to vent, so that he doesn't destroy himself from the inside out, so that what little of him is still left doesn't disappear for good.
Hinata needs Kageyama as much as Kageyama needs him back.
In the hours that follow, Hinata loosely mentions something about the amputation being a definite turning point, about how he was going to start chemo and radiation therapy cycles again in an attempt to kill the remaining cancer cells, about how he had several more resection surgeries scheduled on his lungs. He says the doctor had told him it was most likely only up from here now that a primary part of the cancer had been removed. He also talks about prosthetics, about how he will eventually have to start rehabilitation to learn how to walk again with one…
Kageyama can only listen half-heartedly after one certain part, and he wonders if it's a bad thing or not that he feels a swell of relief in his heart when Hinata says he will be okay, that he will live and stay there with him – it only cost him his right leg and the future he would have died for.
~P~
Kageyama spends the next month and a half at odds with himself – every time he looks at Hinata, so tired and broken and unlike his normal self, he feels awful; he would do anything to see that normal flash of verve in his eyes, for the shorter boy to issue him a challenge to beat him at, but he knows that won't happen and it only makes him feel worse. But at the same time, he feels something akin to numbing happiness, aching in his chest, that Hinata is still there, still alive and next to him, instead of gone like he had always secretly feared. For the first time in weeks, the thoughts of Hinata's possible untimely passing do not haunt him and lurk in the back of his mind; did not plague him during the day and distract him from his everyday activities. For a while, he is able to return to somewhat of a normal life.
But he can't help but feel his bliss sour into guilt when he looks at Hinata and knows that his own contentment is at the sake of Hinata's; that it was based and formed upon Hinata's suffering, his inability to truly be able to live happily any longer. While he would be able to keep playing volleyball, keep improving at it, would end up working towards a future with it, Hinata would not be able to – he would have to sit and watch off to the sidelines, forced to see the person he loved grasp at and achieve the one thing he, too, wanted so desperately. Kageyama would get to have the life he wanted, while Hinata would forever be reminded through him that his had been taken away when he was much too young.
He's knows it's despicable and awful but he can't help it. He knows it's selfish, but all he wants is for Hinata to be with him – not like this, never like this, but there isn't a thing he can do about it. He's okay with feeling that guilty tug in his heart as long as he gets to wake up and go to sleep knowing that Hinata's still there in the world.
He never says anything about how he feels during his visits, because he thinks Hinata will hate him if he does, and even more so, that he would be right in how he felt.
Two months after the amputation, the chemo and radiation therapy's effects begin to dwindle like before the operation. They'd been working satisfactorily afterwards, but one day, Hinata's body stopped responding to them. Suddenly, nodules began to metastasize and grow in his lungs with increasing severity again, and the remaining cancer cells in his right leg showed no rate of decay. Just as Hinata had been working towards a prosthetic and rehabilitation, suddenly he's forced to stay in bed again, weakened by drugs no longer working and unsuccessful resection surgeries.
Kageyama's guilt-ridden peace is snatched away as soon as it had gotten a chance to form, alongside Hinata's last bits of hope, his last rays of sun still hiding behind those all-consuming storm clouds.
He tries to delude himself of the inevitability, but it doesn't work for long. He knows that there are not many options left – if Hinata's body won't accept chemotherapy and radiation therapy, then there's nothing that can be done in that regard. The only thing that was left to do was to simply undergo resection surgery after resection surgery on his lungs, with the hope that it would keep Hinata's life going just a little bit longer and the thought of it makes Kageyama truly break down by himself for the first time since it all happened. He'd managed to keep it together well during the majority of it all, but the reality crashes down on him completely one night after practice, and before he even knows what's going on, the tears are pouring from his eyes and won't stop despite what he tells himself.
He knows it's going to happen, and he can't do anything about it.
He doesn't sleep that night, or the night after, because he doesn't just feel helpless – he is. The more of he thinks about it, the more he realizes that it's actually actively happening: Hinata, right then, was actually dying. It wasn't just as though it was going to happen all at once one day, no – it was a progressive process. For months, Hinata had been dying. The second the cancer began to win, started sapping his body and mind of its strength and destroying his health, was when it all occurred. But there would be eventually be a day when there was nothing left to take from and that's when it was really going to be over.
He doesn't know when that day will be – will it happen sooner or later? All he knows it that it will happen, that it's not just a maybe or what-if anymore, and that in itself is mind-boggling. He can't just entertain it as a possibility because that's not what it is any longer – it's reality.
It builds in Kageyama with each restless night and quiet visit with Hinata until it's almost as if he can't breathe around him, and he knows he should say something but he doesn't quite know how to begin it. 'I can't cope with the thought of you dying' didn't exactly catch him as a good way to segue into the discussion – if he couldn't even bear to think about it, how inconsiderate of it would it be for him to bring it up when Hinata was the one actually living through it?
Hinata's the one who opens up the lines for communication one night, when he stares at their hands and says simply, bluntly, honestly, "I'm scared, you know." When Kageyama jumps a bit, he smiles sadly, squeezing the other's hand. Kageyama's reaction is enough to prompt him to continue speaking, "Of dying… well, more so, it's a bunch of different things. Dying, sure, but also leaving Natsu and my mom behind… and the team… I want to be able to look over Natsu and make sure she grows up right, you know? And my mom. I just want her to be happy – this has been harder on her than anyone else, I think. A-and everyone on our team – I mean, the least I could have done was cheer at games, right?" He laughs bitterly, "I can't even do that much now. I wanted to be able to encourage all of you as much as I could but now… yeah."
Hinata pauses for a long, long second, before continuing. "You." It's all he says for a moment or two, something that causes Kageyama to look at him funny, though his heart stops. "I really wanted to be able to—" He flushes red, and looks away briefly – he hadn't been embarrassed like this in years, it seemed. "—to just be with you, you know? To spend my… my life with my idiot genius rival. I wanted to be able to truly beat you on the court but still know you would be there at the end of the game, congratulating me and being proud of me… Hell, I still do want that but none of it can happen now."
He gazes ahead of himself, seemingly staring at the wall, though Kageyama knows that dimming flicker in his eyes – he's going over a future he can't and won't have, living through moments that were supposed to happen but will never get the chance to. He tries to think of something comforting to say, but can barely do so through the way his heart sounds in his ears and the constricting of his throat.
"Jeez," Hinata grins a few seconds later, face still bright red. "I can't believe I said all of that to you – I must really be losing my mind to say that kind of thing. But… I did because it's true, and I wanted you to know it before anything happens and I won't be able to. So, I-I guess – I love you, Kageyama. I do. Please don't forget that."
And Kageyama crumbles, because there Hinata is, sitting there and dying, yet he's trying to be the strong one and comfort Kageyama, to give him encouraging words to help with the situation, when it should be the other way around. He doesn't deserve it, he tries to tell himself, but that doesn't stop him from soaking up every single word. He's suddenly up and hugging Hinata, holding him close, his voice near pleading as he speaks, "Don't. Don't." Two words that say so much, and Hinata understands it all.
Don't speak like that, don't go away, don't leave me here by myself. Don't die - please keep fighting. It's selfish and stupid, I know, but still, please. Live and don't let anything take you away from me or anyone else.
Slowly, sadly, Hinata's arms wrap up and around Kageyama's neck, and the answer to Kageyama's request lies in that action.
I can't.
And that's it.
"I love you, too."
~P~
Another painfully long month follows after their exchange, along with two resection surgeries and the forming of a new nodule. Kageyama watches as that last bit of fight Hinata has disappears, replacing that extinguished spark with nothing but an empty husk.
It's just another day, another visit, Kageyama thinks as he walks in the door to Hinata's room. But then he sees Hinata's eyes and he knows it's not. There's no light behind them anymore, nothing left to fuel it in a body and mind that has known nothing but despair in the past months. He looks like an entirely different person and that scares Kageyama almost as much as the impending inevitability of it all.
Hinata is bizarrely peaceful as they talk, with small smiles decorating his face and a glaze in his gaze, as if he himself doesn't realize what is happening. But Kageyama knows better – Hinata wouldn't accept it, never, but he won't deny it, either.
He doesn't want to say it but Kageyama can feel it beneath his skin, in the sinking of his stomach that this will be the last time he will see Hinata. The thought paralyzes him but also makes him want to scramble, to say and do everything he can. But he can't bring himself to do it, to disrupt whatever false serenity Hinata has been lulled into, to cause more worry and panic than the other boy needs or deserves. He instead settles for several kisses and as many 'I love yous' as he can get away with.
He never thought there would be a time when hearing those three words from Hinata would cause his heart to break rather than swell.
He spends more time there than he probably should, but he can't bring himself to leave. It wasn't enough time to be with Hinata – it would never be enough time. Enough time would be the rest of their lives, but they won't get that much.
That night, Kageyama simply lies in his bed, thinking about everything and nothing. His mind is abuzz with every little thing around him, trying but failing to grasp onto one subject long enough to really focus properly on one thing. The one constant the occupies it is Hinata, in what could have been, in what had already happened. He tries to trick himself into calming down by imagining what he will say to Hinata within the next day or two, what he will tell him and what they will discuss.
He still ends up with silent tears trailing across his face, staining its skin and wetting his dark hair. There's a particular moment during that lonely night that it all becomes especially unbearable and he feels as though he's lost something, lost him but he doesn't want to acknowledge it, instead just barely allowing himself to fall into a restless slumber.
He's informed a half a day later that Hinata had died that same night. He doesn't listen long enough to hear how or exactly when, because he doesn't want to hear it - the specifics. He spends several hours just sitting there afterwards, by himself, trying to find a way to let the news settle but it won't and neither will his entire being. At first, it's just a slight tremble, barely noticeable, but before he knows it, it envelopes him suddenly, completely and it's as though an enormous weight of indefinable pain strikes him, as though it has finally dawned on him. It is so abrupt and severe that he doubles over, clutching at the fabric of his shirt, as if he were trying to keep his chest from bursting.
The boy that had been a constant in his life for the past year, whom he had gone from hating to loving, who changed his point of view and encouraged him to improve himself - he was no longer there with him. Kageyama could not think of a time when Hinata would not be there in the world, but there it was - the clock was ticking, seconds, minutes, hours had passed and would continue to and Hinata wouldn't be there like Kageyama always thought he would be.
No.
Hinata was gone, and just like that, as quickly as it had entered, Kageyama's guiding light, his brilliant, blinding sun had been taken from him and he was lost all over again.
"Why did you leave?"
But really, he's asking: why were you taken from me?