Your name is Dirk Strider, and you're getting hungry.
"Did you order the pizzas yet Dave?" Your stomach growls, and you hope he didn't forget that he was supposed to call them and then feed you.
"Sure did little brother. Two larges with extra cheese and bacon, just the way we like it." It's hard to detect, but after years of practice, you can catch the smirk in his voice.
He's up to something.
"What did you do this time?" Knowing him, he pulled something his friend John would have done, like make the food extremely spicy, for the sake of irony.
"You've got a date with the girl who was on the phone. It's this Friday."
"Did you hear that? It's the sound of how undesirably humorous that isn't. It's a winding scream that pains everyone that has good taste. My ears, I swear, I will lose my hearing. What exactly did you pull Dave?" I need to find some way to get him out of my business.
"I told the girl that we're having a bit of a pizza party, because you've been having trouble getting over a girl that dumped you. Her friend overheard this, grabbed the phone, and helped me make a plan for your date, because apparently, 'Janey needs to get out there more, and is in desperate need of a man'."
"Dave, you need to practice those percieving reality of skills, because right now, you suck at it. I'm not getting over a girl that dumped me. The last person I dated was Jake, and I broke it off with him because he's bad at being a good boyfriend." He is so up in your business. All entangled and no way of getting up. Dave's probably going to marry your business, a beautiful wedding with an official looking priest named Charlie, because dang, Dave and the business sure are entrenched in this shit.
"I don't think she'll mind much. You didn't lie to her, it was me. If she blames you for it, then she doesn't deserve you anyways. I think you guys will hit it off."
You decide to deal with this on Friday and wait for the food to arrive. Your projects are calling.
"Her name is Jane by the way," your brother tells your receding form.
Your name is Jane Crocker, and your best friend just decided you're going on a date on Friday.
"Roxy, did you just set me up with that man's poor brother?" It being Monday, the lines are slow enough that you can ask her what she just did.
"Of course I did Janey." Roxy seems to think it's perfectly sensible to tell a man ordering pizza that someone would gladly date his heartbroken brother.
"And you did this because...?"
"Duh! Because we're BFFsies and I have to take care of you! You haven't been on a date in ages, and I know it'd be good for you to participate in one. Just looking out for you." It's hard to be mad at her when she acts so sweet. You aren't the only the person who's been suckered into this though.
"Does that boy even want a date?"
"Who cares? Based on what I heard Dave, Dirk Strider needs to move on. You can help him do that."
So that's his name.
The phone rings, and you pick it up, resolving to just go to the date and live with it, because Mr. Strider is probably very nice.
Your name is Dirk Strider, and you decided to go on your date with the girl your bother victimized.
Now you're standing at the door of her typical little picturesque suburban house, and you're knocking.
"Do come in Mr. Strider," she offers, "I'll be ready in a moment,"
And handing her the flower you bought her, because you're nothing if not classy.
"It's lovely," she comments, trimming the stem and sliding it behind her right ear, "Shall we go?" You offer your arm to her and she hesitantly grasps the crook of your elbow.
And you're taking her to the restaurant on the back of your bike.
"A motorcycle? I guess I trust you enough to ride it." she smirks and swings up behind you with a surprisingly practiced air. "My brother and I ride together a lot," she says in response to the look you give her.
And you're eating and joking and trying to make her smile, going off on your standard metaphorical tangents because you might as well enjoy yourself on this stupid forced date.
"Is your friend Roxy as wrapped up in your business as my bro is in mine? According to Dave, she forced you into this date, and I mean, I'm not getting over a girl who dumped me, Dave was just playing an extremely not hilarious joke on me that turned out even better than he expected."
"Good golly! Did he really?"
"Oh he really-ed. Completely really-ed. So really that I've been blinded by the absolute onslaught of really. I can't see anything in our apartment and I just stumble around, trying to not disturb the really because who knows what else it can do. I am fresh out of imaginary with which to fight the really. Utterly alone and defenseless against this mass of really surrounding me."
"I... I can't... breathe," she gasps out.
And she is laughing, she's giggling, and happy, and you're actually having a great time.
So maybe you're a little glad your bro pulled this, because now you're getting to know Jane and you'd like to keep her.
"Time to go home," you tell her as you pay for dinner.
"Would you like to do this again?" she asks hesitantly.
"I think I could live with being your friend." you shrug, "Or, you know keep dating or whatever you'd like to do. I'm pretty cool with whatever."
Not the best response you could have given her, but cool kids don't honestly tell girls they just met stuff like 'You're amazing, I love talking to you, seeing you smile- making you smile, I've never met anyone quite like you and I hope we can at least be friends, if not more.' Heck, cool kids should't even think that about girls that they just met. No one should.
"I'd like to see you again Mr. Strider, but only if you introduce me to Dave and you'll meet Roxy and my brother. I must be sure that your family is respectable and that mine approves of you." she says coyly, making it clear that she doesn't really care about either of their families.
"So an undecided relationship?" You would wink ironically at her if you weren't already ironically wearing your shades, "I could live with that too,"
She hastily scratches her phone number onto the receipt and you both stroll back to the motorcycle.
And now you're taking her home the long way, giving her the ride of a lifetime.
"This is the bees knees Mr. Strider!" Jane shrieks into the wind, the arms wrapped around your waist tightening.
"I know it is Crocker," you holler back.
And you're dropping her off at her house, and you walk her to the door.
"I'm glad Roxy and Dave are so entrenched in our business," she confides, "It was great meeting you."
And suddenly you're leaning down and kissing her on the cheek because you can. It's completely silly and cliche and everything you aren't to walk a girl up to her door and kiss her goodbye, which is exactly why you can do it and still be cool.
"I think you missed Mr. Strider," she teases, "Maybe you'll hit your mark next time Dirk."
Blushing furiously, but trying to hide it, Jane dashes into her house.
And you're riding home with an honest smile on your face, because you just met a very good friend. Rather uncoolly, you're excited for the next time you see her.
It isn't until the next morning that you realize the receipt with Jane's number was left on the table at the restaurant, and there wasn't going to be a next time.