Chapter 1:

Warning: This story contains themes of a homosexual nature: Don't like, don't read, so please no flames. Flames are for Roy Mustang, and he isn't even in this fandom. This chapter contains language, perverted old men, Bickslow being himself, and my attempts at humor.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in or related to Fairy Tail. If I did, I wouldn't be living off of month-old-rice now would I?

(All credit goes to Koa-chan for the inspiration for a fangirl-Bickslow)

"You wanna say that to my face Stripper?"

"I did say it to your face, ya stupid Flame-brain," Gray spat, dodging a ball of fire that had the misfortune of hitting Elfman square in the back.

Natsu paused, furrowing his eyebrows and taking a few seconds to weigh the logic of what his raven-haired rival had just said. This left plenty of time for a certain, enraged, male Strauss to lunge towards the Fire dragon slayer.

"Beast Arm: Iron Bull!" followed by, "Punching is manly!"

"Ice make: Canon!"

"Wow, Gray-Sama is so strong. And he looks so cute when he sleeps!"

"Hey Juve, when the fuck were you watching Ice Princess sleep?"

"I'm sorry Gajeel-kun, but only Gray-sama may call Juvia nicknames."

"Whatever."

"Fire dragon's: Claw!"

"Gray, your clothes?"

"Huh? Dammit! Where did I put them?"

The fight waged on with ice, fire, tables, and even people being thrown around the wooden guildhall. The person in this case being Levy who was busy screaming at Gajeel that the human body, in fact, was not meant to be used as a missile. The Iron dragon slayer merely tousled her short blue locks in response before lifting her, and then chucking her at Max.

"Oi! Would you keep it down, ya bunch of bastards! Some people are trying to enjoy a damn drink here," Cana said before lifting another barrel to her lips. "Mira, I'm telling you, people these days just don't have respect for knocking a cold one back in peace."

"Cana, please take it easy, it's only eleven o'clock in the morning." The oldest Take over sibling smiled nervously, despite knowing that her brunette friend could definitely hold her alcohol. It was only in Mira's nature to fret about her entire guild family. With that, the Card mage hugged her beloved "boyfriend" tighter. In this case, her "boyfriend" was rather round, wooden and full of beer.

"Taking a hit is Manly," roared Elfman.

Freed Justine let a small smile grace his lips, as he watched the daily disarray of the dysfunctional, insane, unbelievable guild that he was a part of; he would have it no other way. The alcohol, brawling and laughter all contributed to the legendary Fairy Tail. The Raijinshuu were observing from the second floor of the guild, patiently awaiting Laxus to pick a job. Bickslow new better than to touch the Rune knight's sacred coiffure, so the Seith mage chose instead to find entertainment in getting his tiki dolls to pull at Evergreen's hair, while she furiously threatened to turn them all to stone because her hair had taken hours to fix this morning.

"Hey babies, do ya think she's…lookin' fine for Elfma-" Before Bickslow could complete his taunt, Evergreen's hand met his face with an audible slap. Too late, Evergreen's cheeks were dusted with a blush.

"Hmph, as if I would ever make an effort for that idiot."

"Of course not, Ever," Freed interjected reassuringly. He was well accustomed to soothing the Fairy mage, after her and Elfman had been the butt of many of Bickslow's jibes.

The fourth member of the Raijinshuu stared at the S-Class Request Board. The Rune mage didn't want to bother Laxus when his sound-pods were in, so he let the blonde be.

Downstairs, the brawl continued to grow, pulling in such mages as Jet, Cana, and Vijeeter; the latter was busy dancing on top of Nab's unconscious body. The dancer was abruptly thrown off as Gajeel sent an iron pillar into Gray's chest. Wendy just watched, biting her nails and trying to decide who she was the most worried about.

Even Wakaba and Macao had gotten into an argument over whether having a chest or and ass was more attractive on a woman.

"I'm telling ya, Wakaba, all the girls in this guild have got a rack, well maybe except for Levy and Wendy, but have you seen Levy's ass, it sure as hell makes up for it. I'd rather have something a bit more rare like that… I'm sure Gajeel would agree with me." The 4th Master of Fairy tail sat back in his chair cackling, and silently thanking Mavis that the Iron dragon slayer was too distracted to hear his comment about a certain bluenette.

"I have to agree with you there, but Mira's chest is something else, those new Sorcerer Weekly photos are coming out next week." Wakaba said excitedly. "Oi! Mira, ya wanna come over sometime and take a few shoots for a private audience?"

Just then, said beauty was walking over to their table, in the midst of reminding the smoke mage that he still had wife, when Natsu accidentally sent a chair flying in her direction. The piece of furniture brushed against Mira, caused her to stumble onto Wakaba, her breasts landing a few inches from his face. Needless to say, he fainted instantly in his chair, with blood trailing from his nostrils.

"Oops," Mira giggled.

"Lucky bastard," Macao mumbled.

How improper for Wakaba to be talking romantically with someone with beauty like Mira's, reflected Freed, squirming slightly at the idea of romance. His thoughts were interrupted when a deafening screech silenced the rest of Fairy Tail.

"NATSU!"

"Oh shit. Gi hee.", "Nice move Ash for Brains", and "Attacking a girl is not Manly" could be heard whispered through the crowd of onlookers. Freed stayed silent, as he pitied the Fire dragon slayer.

Natsu it appeared had been thrown to the bar with a gigantic Ice hammer; he fell right on Lucy causing her strawberry milkshake to spill all over her tank top.

"NATSU DRAGNEEL. THIS SHIRT WAS BRAND NEW." Fire danced in Lucy's eyes as she reached over and pulled the pink-haired man by his ear.

"But Luce," he sputtered, "Gray was the one-"

"Natsu! Don't blame every thing on Gray. You and I are going outside to have a little talk, about how sorry you will be and how much rent you'll be paying for me." The blonde was practically seething.

"Just make sure not too punish him too hard," hollered Bickslow from behind Freed, "We want him to still be able to walk tomorrow." The seith mage wiggled both his tongue and eyebrows suggestively, granted his eyebrows couldn't be seen beneath his helmet. It was Lucy's turn to be flustered. Her jaw dropped in shock and embarrassment, as she tried to conceal the blood soaring to her cheeks.

Erza's face now rivaled the scarlet of her hair, "He couldn't possibly mean.."

"Did someone say punishment?" echoed two voices within the guild. One came from a pink haired spirit who had magically appeared with chains in her hand. The other came from a rather giddy old man with a white mustache, who stuck his head out of his office door.

"Master…" Mira sighed.

"Lucy at your command I will severely reprimand Natsu for his careless actions," the equip mage's blush and fidgeting betrayed the seriousness of her words.

Lucy, by this point had regained some of her composure and stated defiantly that there was no punishment to happen whatsoever. Afterwards, she trotted, defeated, back to her table.

"She liiiiiiiiiiiikes him," Happy practically sang.

"Stupid cat! LUCY KICK!"

"A well I guess that's too bad," said Makarov. "But, listen up Brats! I have an announcement."

A/N: No one reads these anyways so yay! I will be trying to update once a week, yes, the upcoming chapters will be longer. Reviews are always appreciated, and whoever does review gets sent a naked Gray *Tapes him in a cardboard box with your address*. This is my first fanfic, so please let me know how you like it. If you think the rating should be put to M, for sexual jokes and language, then do tell!