- - If you knew how deeply I long for you…
You wouldn't have to run away from me in this way
If I found a way to express my love
You wouldn't have to fight alone tonight in this world - -

Chapter 1 –夢
Dreams

"You never needed me."
"You never cared about me."
"You only wanted to find your father."
"You didn't even realize that I was always there."

No. no. no. That's not true! It was always you and it always will be. I need you and care for you more than anything in the world. I was going to introduce you to my father—I knew you were always there for me… If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have made it this far…

Gon cried in his sleep. His body trembled and shook as he reached for an empty space, crying his best friend's name and begging for him to come back. The image of his most important person slowly fading away into darkness was beginning to make him cold… alone.

Kurapika came running in to Gon's room, a worried expression plastered on his face as he reached for the boy who was reaching for nothing. He wrapped his arms around the shaking boy, resting his head against his chest for comfort and rubbing his back to help him from crying any further. "Gon… It's okay… You're not alone; I'm here. I won't leave you. Leorio and I won't leave you…"

A yawn was heard from the door. "Another one?"

The blond specialist nodded as the boy in his arms fell asleep. The tall medical hunter walked towards Kurapika and sat next to the two them, holding Kurapika close as his face darkened in sadness. His gray eyes were clouded with tears and Leorio couldn't help but kiss those hurtful looking eyes. "Baby…"

"It's not right seeing him like this. This isn't him."

"We both know why he's been like that. We can't do anything until he tells us what's on his mind—we need to respect how he feels."

"Leorio, it's not that I don't respect how he feels, this kid has been crying over Killua. Don't you want to know what's going on his mind and do something about it?"

Leorio bit his lip and brushed his hair. Of course he wants to know what's going on with Gon; with being a professional doctor comes with concern within people they care about. Gon was one of them. But there's nothing they could do unless Gon speaks up—with the fake grins and jokes that he tries to use to cover his sadness, Leorio can't help but go along with it.

It's been seven years since he lost his nen. It's been seven years since Gon has been without Killua.

Gon found a safe cocoon in Mito-san but eventually he fell apart and left two years after the separation with his best friend. He left two years after.

It's been five years since Gon has lived with Leorio and Kurapika.

Until then, the two of them can no longer hold their pained heart, watching Gon hurt like this.

"Kurapika…"

"Yeah?"

"He fell asleep, we should—"

"I don't want to leave him." Kurapika's voice was concerned and firm. His lover couldn't help but sigh in defeat and reach forward to peck his lips then pat Gon's head. "Just don't push yourself, alright?"

Before Leorio stood up to walk out of the room, Kurapika reached for his robe.

"Can you stay with us?"

With a short groan, he stared at Kurapika who continued to hold his friend close against his chest.

Gon seemed to have calmed down as he slept peacefully with arms wrapped around him. The warmth that he felt was enough to get him by, but one way or another, at the back of the boy's mind, the coldness will reach out to him again. His best friend will get even further than he already is.

"K-Killua…" Gon whimpered as his brows furrowed with a pained expression.

I can't watch him like this, Kurapika thought as he cried quietly, watching the boy. Leorio smiled slightly at the sight; Kurapika's motherly instincts were kicking in (there has been recent arguments about his feminine personality coming out) and also, one of his closest friends was in major pain. Things couldn't get any worse than that.

"Killua will come back, don't worry." Leorio said, full of hope.

"What if he doesn't?" Kurapika asked quietly while laying Gon down on his pillow.

Leorio placed a hand on top of Kurapika's shoulder as they both watched the younger one sleep his pain away. Tomorrow will be a brand new day. A new day comes a new night. New night with the same nightmares… It's torture.

Kurapika reached for his pockets to take his cellphone out and dialed a number.

A groggy voice answered the phone. "…Kurapika… it's three in the morning…"

"Gon is having nightmares."

Silence.

"…Of what? Or rather… of who?"

"Of you."

Killua sounded much more awake compared to when he answered the phone, "Again? We were just chatting a few hours ago before we headed to bed. What happened?"

"I don't know what's going on…" Kurapika began to sob.

It was strange to hear Kurapika cry on the other line.

"…I haven't exactly been sleeping well either, you know…"

"Can you come and visit?"

"I can't. I can't see Gon. Not until I'm strong enough—"

"Fuck being strong enough!" the blond barked on the phone. Leorio panicked, fearing that Gon would wake up. His voice was loud enough for even the neighbors to hear.

"He cries in his sleep. He keeps calling out your name, Killua. He keeps trying to tell us that he's okay; to convince us that nothing's bothering him but we can see it in his eyes. He probably thinks you replaced him with Alluka."

"That's not true… Gon's been the only one on my mind, but I have to protect my sister and I need to become stronger. I can't have any distractions, you know that…"

Silence.

"Plus… If I come to see Gon now, I don't think I'll be able to hold myself back from the things I want to do to him. I need to refrain myself and distance is the best solution for that right now. Kurapika, I'm sorry, you'll have to deal with his nightmares for a little while longer."

Leorio could hear everything. The silence of the night was loud enough. He grabbed the phone.

"We can deal with his pain just fine. But there are some things that support and comfort alone cannot do. You probably know this already, but you're denying it; Gon needs you. He needs you more than anyone."

Killua didn't say anything.

A minute. Two minutes has passed. The doctor was going to snap and yell at this absolutely idiotic child who suppresses their feelings just because—

"I know that. But being around him will destroy my resolve. I know that. I need him too. I can't. I really can't."

The phone line ends. Leorio clenched his fists but Kurapika held it to calm him down as the scarlet-eyed boy shook his head in dismay.

"As painful as it sounds, I'm sure Killua wants to see him too. Now just isn't the time…"

There was an urge to punch the wall, but instead of doing so, Leorio got on his knees and buried his head on Kurapika's lap. The two of them watched the young boy sleep in agony.

Hang in there Gon…

He closed his phone and threw it on the wall. It tore into pieces. The ex-assassin couldn't care less. Materialistic things such as a cellphone could be replaced in a second.

But there are other things that are irreplaceable.

As a matter of fact, a certain someone is irreplaceable.

Killua was wide-awake now. His sister was sound asleep in the other room; he could feel her aura calm and rested. He stared at the ceiling and reached for space as though he was reaching for someone.

"Gon…" he whispered.

He felt hot tears flooding his eyes, his vision began to blur, his mindset brought him to the point where his world was spinning and his breathing became heavy, his chest in pain.

Today would make it 8 years since he last seen his best friend.

There were things he couldn't tell his sisters. Things he couldn't tell anybody. Not even Leorio and Kurapika who kept in touch with him once in a while. Not even Gon who tried his best to talk to him everyday with a huge smile on his face like everything was fine.

Killua bites his lip hard; the iron taste of blood was now against his tongue. But he continued to deepen the bite, to keep himself from screaming his heart out.

The boy cried.

He's been crying to himself ever since.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hunter x Hunter. This is simply a girl's subset to whatever is going on her mind. Leave some reviews please. Arigatou.