Another Teenage Dirtbag

by xXLookAPandaXx

Because, you were Effy Stonem, you could never give them the complete thing. Commitment, something you have never known, and thus, you could never give it to them.

Title: Another Teenage Dirtbag
Fandom: Skins
Character: Effy-centric
Pairings: Effy/Freddie, mention of Effy/Cook
Starting Song: Tempted- Squeeze
Quote:
"They're worse than rats, they're fleas on rats." - Grease
Plot:
So, in return for the attention they gave you, you gave them the half ass broken downed version of what you thought commitment was.

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Disgust. That's what you feel clawing at the pit of your stomach. And you'd do anything, even throw up your own insides onto the floor below your feet, if it meant that the poisonous taste of repulsion would leave your mouth and disappear from the tip of your tongue. You tell yourself, deny yourself of the truth. But in the dead of night, when you're all alone, you whisper softly into the night air what you dare not believe. And yet, even with all the denial, in the back of your mind you know the truth, you can't hide from it forever. It's yourself that you are repulsed by. And at times, when you find yourself looking at your reflection in the mirror, you feel the slimy feeling of disgust wiggling its way up your throat, making you feel all the more ill. With a quick turn of the head, you turn fiercely away from your image in fear rather than in a moment's vanity. It's the disgust of who you are; of who you've become that makes you this queasy. And you aren't sure how long you will be able to live with yourself.

You press your lips tightly down on the fag that loosely dangles from your mouth, but now is held in place by gritted teeth. You take brief drags of the cancer giving treat, and blow out the smoke slowly so that it billows from your slightly parted mounds of flesh that make up your mouth. But you can't help but to snigger and give off a bitter look that creeps onto your face. There isn't any room to deny, you know full well, you're a bitter human being. You find yourself being bitter towards anything that you don't quite comprehend. Bitter towards everything that remains a mystery to you. Anything that surpasses your well thought out logic frustrates you and you feel the bitterness and rage creep over you, slowly taking over and becoming a part of who you are. And you do little to fight it, little to stop it from taking complete control.

You shake your head dismissing the thoughts of how disgusting and vile you may be. To think these thoughts in midday, in public, should and could not be allowed. You should always appear confident in yourself. That was your image you built up, that is how you are seen in the eye of others, and, you do well to keep it that way. Here, in open day light, where you can be seen by anyone, you put on the mysterious mask that you wear so well.

Slowly, your eyes drift to a couple near by you, and they have piqued your interest now as you quietly watch. Your nose scrunches up in clear dislike as you see them reach out and lock each others hands together. Your very own hand becomes shaky, for only a mere second, before it becomes steady once more. The burned out fag that had been resting between your thin fingers is tossed aside weakly and without thought, as your sparked interest remains unaltered and clasped onto the couple that stands before you.

You can't help but to eye them through slightly narrowed eyes. A furrow of the brow comes and goes as you silently watch; taking in the moments they briefly kiss or giggle. They're so happy. And it's disgusting. The mere sight of their joy sends a cruel cold shudder of repugnance down your spine causing you to briefly shudder. You fail to fight a curl of your upper lip in a resentful sneer. How did they find joy in one another? And when in the hell did relationships become so bloody special?

"Aren't they cute Eff?" Your best friend chirps up with a sickingly positive tone. She's followed your gaze, right to where the couple now stood snuggling into each other. What she sees in them you can't seem to understand.

"Yes Panda." You reply with a low rumble, your voice coming off as rough as sand paper to your own ears.

"Reminds me of Thomas and I"

She talks on and on, but you have already closed her out at this point no longer listening to all she has to say. It is disrespectful, you know, to not hear all the words tat spill so easily from her lips. She'd give you all her attention, hear all that you want to say, and she'd be at your beck and call as if you were her entire world. But, you can't seem to spare her the same courtesy. If you dared to for a mere minute, you might be bombarded with a childlike joy that baffles and confuses, yet intrigues you all at the same time. But then, seconds later you would find yourself suffocating by form of jealousy. To be jealous of her, your own friend was something to be ashamed of. If you listen, for even a second you would realize how even she has something you don't have. And, so you tune her own and don't bother to lend her your ear. Because, you can't bear the thought that she's better off than you.

You're Effy Stonem. That meant you were better off them everyone else. You just simply were. You keep telling yourself this, though it's a lie, and yet, you believe it all the same. Take one minute of your precious time to delve into reality and you'd be shaken abruptly and forcibly by the truth. The truth that you aren't perfect, that you are anything but. And this, you fear in admitting the most, even to yourself. If you aren't perfect, you realize that it makes you a flawed human. And this only meant one thing to you, that you were just like all those around you. Not special in the least.

A snarl finds itself upon your face as you eye all the happy couples that skip around you, almost in a taunting manner. What do they have to be happy for? You just can't seem to wrap your mind around the idea of commitment. Perhaps, you just fear commitment, seeing as you've never before seen a stable relationship. You never really believed in commitment before, and certainly not now. The basis of your belief surrounds the breakdown of your very own family. The very thought of two people being happily ever after together leaves a vile taste in your throat, stomach and mouth. Why couldn't your life have any of the sappy sorts of joy that comes hand in hand with families that have this "commitment" you so envy?

"I love you Effy" you hear Freddie whisper into your ear, and you close your eyes, basking in the obvious attention you so enjoy having.

Did you love him back? You aren't exactly sure. And a part of you scoffs at the slight chance of being in love at all. So, while he silently buries his face into the arch of your neck, you ponder what feeling you might be having, for just this moment and this moment alone. Hungry for a taste of what everyone around you has drives you to kiss Freddie's quiver lips. Like the practiced seductress that you are, you kiss down his body, tracing your fingers up and down his sides in a blatantly sexual maneuver. You crave nothing more than to feel what all the others feel while wrapped up in their lover's arms. You snake your hands around his wide waist, pulling yourself close to him, close enough so that you can feel your body pressed against the sweat drenched flesh of a male. Hiding quickly, now you find yourself momentarily vulnerable, so you cover your face by burying it into his shoulder blade.

"Effy, oh Effy" is all you can make from all the noises and animalistic sounds that fall from his vibrating lips.

A thin smile is all you allow to cross your face. It looks strained, you are sure. But deep underneath it, is a hidden satisfaction for having felt all you wanted to feel and in less than a day. You have Freddie McLaire all over you now, whispering sweet nothings into your thick jet black locks. You let your ego grow dangerously fast with each time he associates your name with the word "love". A word that you quite despise, on a normal basis. But, when you hear it go hand in hand with your own name, you find a feeling of warmth spreading all over your body.

"Do you love me Effy?" He asks with a clear admiration in his voice, though you fail to comprehend his words. And so you nod, almost mechanically, as if the response were more of a taught habit then an actual answer.

"Do you really?" You watch as he pulls back and eyes you, he looks deep within you. And here, you inhale, taking in a deep breath. You can't lie, not now. And certainly not to the breathless boy before you.

"For this moment." You respond briefly, never expanding what your meaning is. And you watch, because that's all you can do, as his face crumbles.

"What about the next moment? Will you love me then?" He questions.

"No." A one word reply, and it all shatters. The feeling of possibly being in love. The connection you had felt seconds earlier.

You watch, once more, as he walks out of the room, his clothes in his hands, and he looks back at you, with a look you can't quite name. This has happened before, you think to yourself. But, the company was a different person. His best friend. Even Cook had walked out on you. All because they wanted you, and you gave them what they wanted, but only briefly. Because, you were Effy Stonem, you could never give them the complete thing. Commitment, something you have never known, and thus, you could never give it to them. So, in return for the attention they gave you, you gave them the half ass broken downed version of what you thought commitment was. And, you felt fine about that…until the door was closed, and you realized they were gone. All alone, was what you were, with nobody to praise you, as you so please.