He sits at his desk, his glasses set to the side, rubbing at his face as if that would relieve him of his stress. It feels nice for a moment, so he repeats the motion again and again. To the point one would think he had some sort of mental issue or obsession with running his hands over his face. Finally he rubs at his eyes and places the metal frames back on his face, shoving them up the bridge if his nose. A cold draft comes in through closed windows and he pulls his coat tighter around himself. No one else is stirring throughout The department. Possibly the entire HQ. The thin man checks the time. 3:57 a.m. The man sips his coffee again before continuing to pour over the documents that had been dumped all across his office. On the desk, on the floor, on the couch, even on the coffee machine. Running a hand through his hair, Komui doesnt mind that he knocked his white baret to the ground. Life is difficult. Almost not worth living. He remembers everything. Things that had happened to him, things he'd done, he was leading a district against Central's regulation. But he bears the weight of that burden in silence. Heavy, soul crushing, silence. But he smiles through the pain. What was he to do? Teeth grit hard, he smiles in his whimsical silly way that he does and not a soul questions why the man is so over-the-top.
He's Komui Lee. He is simply mad. And he loves it.
That is what they think. And Komui knows it. A bitter smile creeps upon his lips. Let them think him mad like a hatter. Even his sister. His little Lenalee, is kept in the dark. Because he refuses to burden the others...if they cannot tell he has never been truly happy with his life, who is he to suddenly drop his demons upon them?
The memory of his parents death, when Lenalee was taken, the people he stepped on to get the job he had now just to be with Lenalee, the human experiments, sending exorcists into battle, watching as countless ones return lifeless...each injury report even takes a toll on his health. Yes...perhaps he is mad...perhaps that is what insanity is...allowing your past to be your only painful present.
He lights a cigarette from the back of his bottom drawer. A nasty habit he had forced himself to quit for Lenalees sake...but he needs one. Only one. His lungs are almost virgin to the smoke again, he realizes as he coughs on the intoxicating clouds. But his body remembers the drug well and welcomes the rush back. Laying his head back to stare at the ceiling and rest on the back of his chair as well as his neck, Komui closes his eyes and exhales, coughing just a little.
"I haven't seen one of those damn things in your hand in a long time, Komui. " The voice that is anything but foreign to his ears makes the asian man smile gently, eyes still closed, head still back.
"I see you've returned. I'd appreciate you filling out your own report. I'm quite busy..."
Komui hears the sound of heavy boots and shuffling paler before Cross Marian takes the cigarette from between his fingers, takes a long drag and places it back, watching as the younger man does the same. For a moment the two sit in silence, the redhead simply watching Komui smoke peacefully. It's only once he grinds out the ashes thoroughly against the side of his desk and tosses it into the trash does anything occur. When the black-haired man opens his eyes, Cross is on his desk, watching him. His usual mischievous smirk is gone but he isn't angry. The look in his one revealed eye, is worry. The mans guard is down, but yet, Komui still does not release his. He smiles gently.
"Is something wrong~?" he asks with the tone if someone who hasn't been up for six days straight.
"Don't fucking lie to me..." Cross suddenly says aggressively. "Lie to the world, lie to your sister but don't lie to me. You know I know you better than I know myself."
That brings a bitter smile upon the Asian man's thin lips. This man...the only one who ever challenged his lies...the only one who ever questions why he is how he is and what he truly feels. Cross Marian...can read him like an open book.
"work has been impossibly stressful." He finally says.
"Work? Do you not have ears, Lee?I have no time for your lies. " The redheaded man takes ahold of Komui's narrow chin and leads their eyes into direct contact. "Tell me. Tell me everything you keep locked away. Tell me what makes your heart cold and dark. Tell me about your hatred and your anger." Just once more, Cross' eyes read.
The scientist pulls his face free of the grasp. It is always like this. This is their routine, though the cigarette is a new addition to his depression.
"I've sold my soul, Cross. There is nothing left of me but a hollow shell of a man.".
"If that is true, and you have nothing and are nothing, why are you still here, dipshit?"
The insult doesn't sting like they used to. To Cross, swear words are little more than pet names. What stung was that the man still calls him by them, though Cross makes it clear he does not return Komui's affections, choosing instead to be a tease.
"I am here for Lenalee." He doesn't need to say the unspoken "and you". Cross hears it loud and clear.
"She still doesn't know about you and your pain does she? "
Komui shakes his head. "Why would I tell her? It's not my fault you seem to call me out."
"Because I understand you, Komui. I read you and I learn your pain. Because I..." The man leaned forward to whisper in his ear. "care. " Cross's smirk is obvious in his voice. "Share with me your demons, Supervisor."
Komui doesn't pull away, though he knows be should. "I hate...everyone. Everyone here but Lenalee. I hate my job...I hate the Order...I hate...everything." he whispers back.
"Everyone? " The redhead pulls away slowly.
"I know I shouldn't and it's dark, but I cannot help it. I hate them all. I hate even you. " He glares up at Cross.
Cross seems only to listen intently, his eyes closed, he nods for Komui to continue.
And he does.
"I hate Central because they treat us like animals. I hate the exorcists because they let them. I hate my job because it's my job to stoically send people to their death. I hate the sense of duty over life and emotion. Over feeling anything-"
Cross cuts him off. "Isn't that what you do?"
"Tch..." Komui looks away. "I do it because I care about the others. Not because I have a sense of duty for my job."
"Go on. Tell me more."
"I-I hate the science department because of what they've done to people. I hate the infirmary because they fix exorcists just so they can be forced to be hurt again. I hate the generals because they teach children to fight. I hate this war for killing so many innocent people. I hate myself for the betrayals I've committed. I hate myself for hating everyone. But most of all, I hate you because no matter how hard I try or what I do you only tease me. Which is worse than nothing at a-" his voice breaks from the tears he can feel in his throat. But none brim his eyes. Cross opens his own eyes to that heartbroken glare and finds himself forced to look away.
"As a supervisor, you're not to be attached. My sexual teasing is my way of keeping you from doing so. If I hurt you, you won't love me."
"You idiot! Of course I'll still love you! You're the only one who makes me feel...anything anymore."
"Komui, I'd advise you to find someone else. Though I may understand you, you will never know the demons that I face." And with that, Cross stands, and leaves. Leaving Komui Lee there, clenching his fists and closing his eyes tightly against tears that just won't come.
But that's all right, because after the anger passes, he is still able to pull out that bitter smile of a man who can take just a little more pain. Because he is after all, just a ghost of himself. He was his own demon to face.
And all at once.
He understood Cross all too well.
And that is why...
He let him leave.
He and the General are really the same. Haunted by memory and self loathing to the point of just wanting it to end. But they are both too stubborn to finally say they give in...and cave to the pain around them.
So they face the demons no one else can understand, and hide behind a barking laugh, and a crazy smile.
A/N: Well…wrote this a while ago. But THIS is more along the lines of the flood of fics ur gonna start seeing from me. Probably gonna have a few chapter fics w/ this pairing. I know I'm already in the process of at least…2 I think? But yeah~ Lots of angst, probably some S&M…I have a pretty deliciously dirty fanfic for all you yaoi fangirls…but its 21 pgs long in my notebook so being the lazy author I am I'm none too anxious to type it up :/ but yeah that one is Cross/Komui/Tyki and it got some pretty good feedback from my friends so I hope you guys will like it too! But for you fluff people, I'll have some fluffy fics for you as well. One of the chapter fics I'm working on is pretty fluffy so far. …course I've barely gotten past the prologue…but still~ So I hope you guys like the DGM fics coming up. DON'T WORRY I'm still gonna finish defiance and own me longer. I'd never be so cruel as to NOT finish a story…besides Forgiven Mistakes ….I've disowned that story. HENTAI DOES NOT WORK FOR ME. Yeah that just….no. Sorry guys. Oh! Lovely Betrayal…gonna finish that one too. But you guys know that one takes forever. So In the mean time of rackign my brains for hetalia stuffs…I hope you enjoy the surplus of DGM fics I have~ think ima have some more one shots…I know I'm working on another Cross/Komui one right now. SOOOO yeah. ENJOY~ R&R~