1Adam and Evil
Disclaimer: I do not own family guy. It belongs to Seth MacFarland , Fuzzy Door productions and Fox Studios. Thank you.
Chapter 1: Who are you gonna call?
(Opening credits)
Lois: Peter! Peter! Peter come on, we're gonna be late.
(Peter comes down the stairs)
Peter: Lois, do we really have to go out tonight to such a fancy restaurant you know I don't feel comfortable at those types of places.
Lois: Yes we do Peter, you promised me we would have a romantic evening and we are going to have a romantic evening. And don't embarrass me like you did in the Fanasticks
( On stage)
Peter:(gives nervous look) line?
Lois: (whispers) you don't have a line
Peter: What?
Lois: You're the mute you don't have a line.
Peter: What?!
(Lois comes on stage)
Lois: Peter, You're the mute you don't have a line!
Peter: O sorry, Lois.
(Lois gets embarrassed and stomps off stage)
(Present— the Griffin living room)
Peter: relax, Lois that won't happen.
(Meg comes down the stairs in with her purse)
Meg: Well, see you all later.
Lois: Meg, where are you going?
Meg: work.
Lois: This late at night?
Meg: Well... Mayor West is getting ready for the elections next week and needs my help with getting his campaign papers in order. Sorry, mom.
Lois: Peter, what are we going to do? Meg's working, Chris is over at his friend's house, and Brian is on vacation.
Meg: O don't worry, mom I talked to my friend Denise and she has a cousin Marissa who is looking for part time work at a babysitter. She said she'd be happy to do it.
Lois: No! Not after last time!
Meg: Mom, she's not a drug addict.
Lois: Well... alright.
Meg: Well bye, mom.
Lois: Bye ,sweetheart.
Meg: Bye, dad.
Peter: Bye, Meg
(Exit Meg)
( the doorbell rings and Peter answers it)
Peter:( sees Marissa) you must be looking for Glen Quagmire he's the white house next door.
Marissa: Actually I'm Marissa Theahart. I'm looking for the Griffin residence.
Lois: Hello, I'm Lois Griffin and this is my husband Peter.
Marissa: Nice to meet you both
Lois: It's nice to meet you too
Peter: Yea what she said.
Lois: Peter... please excuse him he's not very good at socializing. Like the time we met the president.
( flashback to meeting with the president)
Mr. Bush: Hello concerned citizen. What's your name?
Peter: You suck Bush
(present— living room)
(Enter Stewie)
Marissa: And you must be Stewie... you are soooo cute! You are like the most adorable thing I've ever seen.
Stewie: Who the devil are you?! And what the duece is going on... (notices Lois's earrings) You're going out aren't you. What the duece! You're leaving me with a babysitter! You'll pay, mother. You will pay!
Marissa: O that's cute.
Lois: Mommy and Daddy will be back late Stewie. Now I want you to listen to Marissa while we're gone. Ok? O and Marissa, the number of the restaurant and the other emergency numbers are on the fridge.
Marissa: Don't worry everything will be fine.
(Exit Lois and Peter)
Stewie: Now listen you...
Marissa: No! You're the one doing the listening young man. You are going to do everything I tell you is that understood?!
Stewie: You obvisiously don't know who you're dealing with...(Takes out laser gun) I have a 5th grade shooting leveling
Marissa: Is that suppose to scare me? (Takes out her bigger laser gun) Well I have an adult shooting level. Now put the gun down before I freeze you in carbonite.
(Stewie puts his gun reluctantly down)
By the way I know exactly who you are. 1 year old genius , no one listens to you, and all you want is world domination and your annoying mother dead. Been there. Done that. I was just like you as a child. So I know everything you could possibly throw at me. Now let's play a game.
Stewie: What did you have in mind?
Marissa: Hide and seek. You hide. I'll seek.
Stewie: Allright I'll play your games for now.
(Marissa covers her eyes and starts counting then she starts searching through the house in places where Stewie would never be able to fit until finally on the floor of his room she finds a folded up piece of paper)
Marissa: Bingo! (Pockets it and as she passes the crib sees Rupert... she stares at the bear for a moment and then takes it down stairs and sits on the couch)
(30 minutes pass and Stewie comes out of hiding)
Stewie: I think you're stupider than my father
Marissa: Where have you been?
Stewie: You don't get the concepts of being a babysitter or hide and seek do you? Well a babysitter is suppose to know where the baby is at all times and in hide and seek you're suppose to find the person hiding!
Marissa: Yea Whatever.
Stewie: Why are you even babysitting? You obviously don't enjoy it.
Marissa: Of course I don't but I need the money.
Stewie: Couldn't you become a hooker or something?
Marissa: I think my parents would notice if I half nakedly came home drunk and high every night.
Stewie: Your father might be proud
Marissa: Maybe... If I had one.
Stewie: You don't have one?
Marissa: I don't wanna talk about it
Stewie: You didn't quite answer my question... why are you babysitting?
Marissa: I told you I need the money. Now let's just try to enjoy our evening... even though we both know what this is.
Stewie: What?
Marissa: They'll explain it.
(Enter Singers)
(Song: Baby sitting it a bum deal)
(exit Marissa)
Stewie: Come back here ,you bitch!
(Enter Marissa)
Marissa: Well I suppose you could be worse.
Stewie: I'm glad you feel that way because I'm hungry and you're the only one here to feed me, sweetheart.
Marissa: In that case... how about I order us some dinner?
Stewie: Ordering dinner? What the devil is this ordering dinner of which you speak?
Marissa: Well I call up a place where other people make food for us and then they bring to the food here.
Stewie: like slaves?
Marissa: We pay them.
Stewie: O.
Marissa: I think I'll get myself some fried calamari and I'll get u stuffed shells.
Stewie: Stuffed shells?
Marissa: Pasta stuffed with cheese. Trust me you'll like it.
Stewie: (nods)
(Marissa orders dinner)
(1 hour later)
(doorbell rings)
Denise: Hi, Marissa. Alright well that would be 9.50
Marissa: thanks ( there is an exchange)
(exit Denise)
(Marissa goes into the kitchen and puts something in Stewie's stuffed shells)
(Enter Stewie)
Stewie: Well?! Where is my supper I'm ravenous over here.
Marissa: It's all ready
(Takes Stewie and puts him in his high chair)
(Marissa feeds Stewie his food until all of it is gone... then she starts on her own)
Stewie: That food was delicious... very nice and ( he falls asleep)
Marissa: Nighty Night, Stewie.
(Marissa takes Stewie and puts him in a bag then runs out of the house holding the bag)
( Enter Quagmire hearing noise outside)
Quagmire: Well look who we have here... what's your name my bouncing bosom goddess?
Marissa: Nona
Quagmire: That's an interesting name is it swedish?
Marissa: No it's a nickname it's short for nonayour business... you dilugial old man.
Quagmire: O come on... I'm not old I've done 5 chicks at the same time in the same bed in a jail cell. I even have my own theme song
theme song guy: Who else but Quagmire
Singers: He's Quagmire... Quagmire... you never really know what he's gonna do next... He's Quagmire... Quagmire
Quagmire: Gigity... Gigidy... Gigidy...Gigidy... let's have sex.
Marissa: My god... that sounds almost as good as my theme song.
Quagmire: You have a theme song... well you are just full of surprises aren't you girl?
Marissa: Well who else but Marissa
Singers: It's Marissa... Theahart
She's an evil genius through and through
She's evil and heartless
So beware or she'll kill you.
Quagmire: That's some song you've got there... I got to go.
(Exit Quagmire)
(Brian pulls up in his car and sees her leaving)
Brian: Excuse me... who are you?!
Marissa: I'm Marissa Theahart I'm babysitting for the Griffins. Unfortunately something came up and I have to go. Stewie is upstair sleeping and his sister just got home from work so I can't stay any longer it was nice meet you um...
Brian: Brian.
Marissa: Nice meeting you, Brian