A/N: Just a quick one shot following the intense episode last week. I hope Dick Wolf gives us an update on this whole baby situation. If he doesn't, and the episodes go on like many others, with no mention of the huge happenings in the previous episode, I will scream and personally fly to NYC to give that man a piece of my mind. Can't Olivia just be HAPPY already?! Sheesh..
This is dedicated to Chelsea. The last little quote should give it away. Thank you for all you've done, now I truly believe in miracles.
Reviews are greatly appreciated, my loves (:
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Olivia was curled up inside a blanket in her cold apartment, half-heartedly watching some late night documentary. She had no idea what it was about, but it didn't even matter. For the last week, nothing had seemed to matter except those damned words ringing in her head.. over and over.
"Olivia, I realized today that you're right. I do need to make the right decisions from now on. That's why I've decided to go away.. to figure everything out. I know you'll be there for my baby and do what's best for her until I get back and can be the mother she deserves."
The sudden knock at the door pulled Olivia out of her deep trance. She glanced up at the clock.
9:50pm. It could only be one person.
She lazily pulled herself up off the couch and walked toward the door, pulling it open swiftly. Elliot stood there with a jug of milk and a plate of cookies covered in plastic wrap.
Olivia raised her eyebrows, waiting for him to explain to her why he was there.
They remained silent for a few moments before Elliot raised the jug and spoke. "Got Milk?"
Olivia let out a chuckle and moved away from the door, motioning for him to come inside.
He set the cookies and milk on the nearest counter and followed Olivia's lead into the living room.
"Don't you have a home?" Olivia began, refusing to make eye-contact as she slumped down where she was sitting previously.
He ignored her question as a half smile curled on his lips. "I just decided to stop by." he sat beside her. "You seemed a little.. off at work today."
"You say that like it's something new." Olivia spat, bringing her knees up near her chest.
Elliot looked away and sucked in a deep breath. When she was in a mood like this, it was difficult to mention anything without it sounding like an insult to her. "Well, I didn't mean it like that.. I just.. thought I'd come over and make sure you were okay, you know? We could just talk or go out for a drink or.. eat the cookies that I slaved away baking after work today.. with Kathleen's help of course. Maybe we-"
As he looked back, Olivia stood up suddenly and walked over to her mantle, staring at one of the picture frames that were neatly placed along the top. Elliot became curious, and he quickly got up and walked over until he was standing beside her.
His eyes panned over the frames. One was of the two of them - Elliot and Olivia. He wore a black suit with a red tie, her in a stunning red dress - it was the Christmas party of 2007. They were facing the camera with the biggest smiles on their faces, her one arm draped over his shoulder, his resting perfectly on her hip. It was Elliot's favourite photo of the two of them. The second was of Olivia and her mother at her high school graduation in the eighties. The third was of Olivia and her brother Simon the night they had sat in her apartment all night long, making up for lost time.
But the fourth and final frame on the left was the one Olivia had been staring at intently. It was Gladys' tiny baby, lying in the incubator with Olivia's index finger inside her tiny fist. Olivia had tears in her eyes, her face almost pressed up against the side of the small box that held the severly pre-mature infant. Elliot suddenly understood her state of mind, especially as he shifted his glance in Olivia's direction, her entire face beginning to curl in sorrow as her bottom lip trembled.
It was one of those moments that were beautifully heartbreaking. "Okay, okay.." Elliot whispered as he gently grasped the back of her neck and pulled her head first into a tight embrace.
Olivia didn't even have the strength to wrap her arms around him. She just stood there with her face nestled in his shoulder, whimpering as sobs wracked her body. It seemed like hours before Olivia pulled away, looking up at him with watery, bloodshot eyes.
Elliot wiped away the stray tears from under her eyes with his thumb, and held Olivia's hand as he guided her back onto the couch.
Olivia took a deep breath. "I don't know what to do." she finally managed to squeak out.
"Have you heard from Gladys?" Elliot finally managed to ask. Olivia looked down and shook her head. "No."
He shifted closer to Olivia without a sound. He placed his strong hand on her knee as he gazed at the picture again from across the room. "She's sure beautiful, Olivia. Does she have a name yet?"
"Not officially.. but lately I've been calling her Audrey."
"That's beautiful, too. Why Audrey?"
A small smile crept across Olivia's lips. "It means noble strength. I thought it was appropriate." Elliot nodded.
Olivia decided to break the silence. "Can I try a cookie?" she asked, feeling a little silly.
"Of course." He put his hand out to help Olivia up onto her feet, and she gladly accepted.
He peeled off the plastic wrap and revealed a dozen large chocolate chip cookies.
"A partner's approval is always needed." he said, offering her one of the cookies and then pouring each of them a glass of cold milk.
Olivia's eyes lit up as she took a bite. "Mm, they're delicious!" she exclaimed.
Elliot blushed as he picked one up for himself. "Thanks.."
They stood there without a word for a few minutes. Elliot observed Olivia as she munched on her cookie.
"You know, Audrey will grow up to appreciate everything you've done."
Olivia was halfway through a sip of milk before she swallowed and set the glass back on the counter. Elliot watched her as she became very tense again.
"Elliot, if you don't mind, I.. I'd prefer not to talk about this now."
He purposely ignored Olivia's request. "I'm serious."
Olivia rolled her eyes and dropped the cookie, walking away from Elliot. She sat on the loveseat in the corner of her apartment.
Being as stubborn as Elliot was, he followed Olivia and knelt down beside her. He studied her face - still red and flushed, every muscle incredibly tight. Olivia refused to look anywhere in his direction.
"I've said it before, Olivia.. and I'll say it again. You will be-"
"Stop it. Please, stop.. " Olivia pleaded.
"No, I want you to listen to me right now."
"No! Enough! I don't want to hear it.. I don't want to talk about this anymore!"
Olivia snapped, threw her hands in the air and tried to stand back up, but Elliot grabbed her shoulders and firmly sat her back down. "Olivia!" Elliot shouted directly at her to get her attention. She stopped struggling immediately and stared into his eyes, shocked at his sudden actions.
"I need you to listen to me, okay? YOU are going to get through this, YOU are a strong, beautiful woman, and YOU are going to be a great mom.. the last week, how much you've been there for that baby, it's been proof. I know this has to be the hardest thing you've ever done, but-"
"Don't try to act like you understand, Elliot." Olivia interrupted, anger and bitterness still obvious in her voice. She shook her head in frustration. "Look, why did you come here? Just to make me feel awful?"
"Oh, yeah!" Elliot chuckled sarcastically as he stood up and rolled his eyes. "That was my plan.. bake you cookies, come over here, tell you're going to be a great mom.. just to make you feel awful!"
Olivia's anger turned to realization in that instant. As much as they screamed at each other when their tempers boiled over, all Elliot ever wanted was for her to be happy. She didn't know why it was so hard for her to understand such a thing. Elliot stood a few feet away, still waiting for a response.
Olivia sighed. "I'm sorry. I.. I know you're just trying to help."
Elliot sat down next to her as he felt the nature of the conversation shift once again. "Yeah well, it's my job."
Olivia smirked and tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "I guess."
It was silent once again, but Elliot could still sense her uncomfortable emotions stirring inside her as if they were his own.
"You okay?" It was the only thing he could think of to break the tense moment.
Olivia shrugged and her eyes went wide. "I don't know.. lately I don't know much of anything. Throughout my whole life.. I just focused on the survival of myself.. emotional survival. Now I have to make life or death decisions for this fragile little life. This human being that is completely dependent on my every thought. I'm scared.. but I'm also strangely liberated."
To her surprise, Elliot smiled. "That's what parenting is all about, Liv. That's normal."
The thought finally struck home. Parent. I'm a parent.
"It's about all those mixed emotions. Being terrified as hell, and yet so happy just to be able to lay your eyes on something so perfect. "
Olivia nodded. "You're right, that's.. exactly it."
"You're doing everything you can, and she's going to grow up thinking of you as her hero."
"But what.. what if she-" Olivia sniffled, not being able to finish the sentence.
Elliot shook his head. "You can't think like that."
And he was right. For over ten years, they had told families of rape and kidnap victims to be optimistic until there is proof otherwise. It didn't make sense to give up before it was even over - in fact, it was rather foolish.
"Whether Gladys comes back or not, I know you're going to be involved in this little girl's life through more than you can think of right now." Olivia looked up at the same picture on the mantle while he spoke. She already loved that baby like she was her own daughter.
Elliot continued. "Take it from me - you'll be holding her hand just like you are in that picture when she's four and skins her knee, when she's ten and her friends leave her out of whatever they're doing, and then again when she's sixteen and her first love breaks up with her. That's going to be you, Olivia."
Olivia smiled at him, but she still had her doubts. "You're not just saying that?"
Elliot furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head at her. "Are you insane? You're the most selfless person I know. With all you've been through, you still manage to put everyone's lives ahead of your own. You do it for me all the time.. and every victim that walks through those squadroom doors.. you do it for them, too. The only difference is that this is a life that you are going to be taking care of one hundred percent, until you no longer have to."
A single joyful tear scurried down her cheek. "Thanks, Elliot."
He nodded, and pulled her into his warm chest again, wrapping his strong arms around her as tightly as he could. Olivia's heart fluttered - she felt safer with every inch closer she was to him. This time, the positive proximity felt like it could burn right through her skin. The sound of his heartbeat was the most calming thing she had ever heard. She weeped softly against him for a little while longer, but she wasn't sure why. There were so many feelings colliding inside her - uncertainty, sadness, happiness, fear.. they all played their own part.
Elliot had to hold back tears himself as he pulled her completely up onto his lap until they were both sprawled horizontally along the loveseat. Before either one of them knew it, they were nestled together with her on top of him. Elliot hushed Olivia while stroking her hair, and in a short time, he was putting together Olivia's life piece by piece in his thoughts: a child of rape, a drunken mother who she never was able to make amends with, the abhorrent tragedy of her sexual assault, and now the bittersweet chance of possibly becoming a mother, perhaps to a child disabled for her entire life. It was simply way too much to think about, let alone live every single day.
As he looked down at Olivia, her eyes now closed, he selflessly wished he could be her, simply to endure all of the pain and be able to free her from her tangled, devastating thoughts and feelings.
Once Olivia's breathing steadied and she became quiet, he knew she had fallen asleep. Elliot pulled the thin blanket from the top of the sofa on top of them. He rested his head on top of Olivia's and softly whispered in her ear. "You're going to be okay. Both of you are going to be okay." He gently kissed the top of Olivia's head. "I promise." Without another movement, Elliot closed his eyes, hoping to drift off into a deep sleep with her.
- -
If I could be you, I'd take your place; for an hour, for a day. I'd gladly bear the pain you're going through. To give you back a perfect life, in a second I'd trade mine. There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do. No, there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do.. if I could be you.
xo.