The RK Feline Fiasco Remix

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

When Jaylynn asks about the origin of Mrs. Tuxedo Pants, RK tells her the story of how everything started, including the night he found out the cat was pregnant.

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 6

EPISODE 18

Airdate: March 25, 2018

"The RK Feline Fiasco Remix"

#TYH618

SCENE 1

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

One day at RK's house, Sparky, Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn are watching TV with bored expressions. Jaylynn is checking her phone and then she shakes her head.

JAYLYNN: Hey Sparky, your weird clock's embarrassing himself on social media again.

SPARKY: What are you talking about?

Jaylynn hands Sparky her phone and he sees a Facebook picture of Seattle's St. Patrick's Day festival. In the picture, a clearly drunk Bitch Clock is performing the D-Generation-X crotch chop alongside several other drunk men, all of whom are shirtless and covered in green paint.

SPARKY: I know I don't really talk about this, but it hurts. A lot.

JAYLYNN: That festival actually looks like it could be fun, but I'm not Irish. It wouldn't feel right.

BUSTER: Eh, you shouldn't worry about it, Jaylynn. I mean, we only celebrate St. Patrick's Day because that's when the first box of Lucky Charms came out.

WADE: What?

At that point, RK walks into the living room from the kitchen with Mrs. Tuxedo Pants on his head.

RK: You know, Tuxy's really feeling me today. I like it.

JAYLYNN: You really shouldn't say that about your cat.

RK: Look, just because you automatically think bestiality, doesn't make it weird, you sick freak.

JAYLYNN: Please, I'm just saying what you're already thinking.

SPARKY: I feel like you two couldn't go a week without arguing. For you guys, it's like breathing or Buster eating two cookies on Fridays.

BUSTER: The second cookie brings me luck for the weekend.

WADE: I tell these two about themselves all the time, but they never listen to me.

RK: You guys take it too seriously. It's just jokes.

JAYLYNN: Yeah. I mean, RK's not Lynne. I don't actually want to run him over and leave him a broken down mess on the street.

WADE: But you should be willing to seek some psychological help.

RK: Look, guys, all this talking is gonna make Mrs. Tuxedo Pants upset. She never liked any of you anyway.

RK takes Mrs. Tuxedo Pants off his head and places her near the coffee table.

RK: Isn't she peaceful when she sleeps? She's probably thinking about climbing trees, Purina, and why Nickelodeon cancelled Catscratch too soon.

SPARKY: Why would Mrs. Tuxedo Pants hate me and Buster? We're the owners of her children.

RK: How would I know? I can't force an animal that I don't understand to like someone from another species. That's some seventh dimension of hell-type shit.

JAYLYNN: You know, I always wondered how this happened.

RK: The seventh dimension of hell? I don't know, I guess, one day, Satan got really mad and was all, "I'm gonna kill these people!" Then after that...

JAYLYNN: No, tell me that story later. I mean, how did you get Mrs. Tuxedo Pants?

RK: I bought her from the pet store, took her home, she had kids, and the rest is history. What more do you want to know?

JAYLYNN: Like, how did she get pregnant? Why did you give away the kittens? I always thought you guys having cats was just some lame thing you agreed to do.

RK: No, that was letting you join the group. You're confused. Anyway, since you're really curious, I guess I could tell you everything. Let me take you back to a time where people thought the world was going to end, Republicans were just slightly annoying, and John Cena facing The Rock was only supposed to be a one-time thing. Here's the story...of me owning my very first cat.

SCENE 2

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sometime in 2012, RK is eating cereal while watching YouTube videos on his laptop.

RK (V.O.): When I got Mrs. Tuxedo Pants, I was in love with cats. You know all those dumbass YouTube videos of cats doing stupid things? Well, back then, I was hooked. I just watched more and more until it became an obsession. Those were pretty dark times, I don't like talking about them a lot.

At that point, KG walks in.

KG: Are you still watching cat videos?

RK: I have to, they're amazeballs.

RK (V.O.): I used to be extremely corny, Jaylynn. If we met in 2012, you wouldn't want anything to do with me.

JAYLYNN (V.O.): But we did meet in 2012. Remember? I told you I hated you and locked you in your own closet.

RK (V.O.): Well, the good news is, I hated you just as much. Now shut up so I don't have to keep pausing my story.

RK: See, with this video, there's this cat dressed up like George Washington and he's reciting the "Pledge of Feline-giance." Huh? How's that for quality entertainment?

KG: How come you don't have a job?

RK: Because I'm in the fourth grade?

KG: Well, how come you're on my couch, eating my food and using up all the electricity?

RK: I paid for this cereal myself. You know what? Your Mom impression is pretty shoddy. You need to put more work into it.

KG: Whatever. I'm going over to Rodney's.

RK: Wait, KG, before you go, I have to tell you about the decision I made. I'm getting my own cat.

KG: Like hell you are. I'm not paying a thousand dollars to have some overly pampered Persian fur ball mess around and ruin the house.

RK: Dude, it's just a regular cat. And I'll pay for half. Come on, man, this would be like a dream come true for me.

KG: You say that all the time. RK, remember the time you really wanted that goldfish?

RK: Yeah, and I took care of him.

KG: It died from neglect and I had to flush him down the toilet.

RK: No, it was sleeping and you killed him by flushing him down the toilet. It was an inside job, the autopsy said so.

KG: Well, what about the dog you said that you always wanted?

RK: I kinda exaggerated how much I wanted him. Besides, the animal shelter was happy to take him.

KG: Because you were ruled as mentally unfit.

RK: You just made me write that down so you wouldn't have to pick up after him anymore.

KG: Look, RK, you've talked about owning pets before and then you get the pets. Then you get bored and we have to spend time finding people that actually care about the pets you said you wanted. I'm not going down that road again.

RK: Okay, let me see if I can crack the KG code. You hate spending money on pets that I neglect and don't appreciate...

KG: Right.

RK: So what if I put in the money all by myself and you don't have to worry about a penny? If I f*** up, it's only gonna hurt my pockets.

KG: That's actually not a bad idea. Alright, brother, you're on. If you can raise the money solo, I'll take you to the pet store myself and help you pick out the cat. I might even buy some more milk.

RK: You're the man, KG.

RK snickers and then talks to the camera.

RK: Reverse psychology always works. By saying that I'll pay for the cat myself, KG has no choice but to let me have one. It's the perfect scam. It's so tasty.

RK kisses his index finger and thumb to symbolize the perfection of his plan.

KG: RK, who are you talking to?

RK stammers and then runs out of the house in a panic.

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The next day, Sparky is talking to Buster and Wade.

SPARKY: So we were just talking about shapes and all of a sudden, Jaylynn says that she hates circles because they have no originality.

BUSTER: Your pen pal sounds like an 85-year-old man reminiscing about the old days.

WADE: Yeah, do we really have to meet her?

SPARKY: Yes, you do. Jaylynn's just as important to me as you guys. I want us all to be able to hang out.

WADE: I don't know. One day, we're hanging out, and the next day, she's the new leader.

SPARKY: She's never going to join the group. Don't be crazy.

JAYLYNN (V.O.): Wait a minute. You weren't there for that conversation.

RK (V.O.): You weren't either.

JAYLYNN (V.O.): Yeah, but how were you able to...

RK (V.O.): Jaylynn, please hold all your comments until I'm done. This is really pissing me off.

BUSTER (V.O.): Yeah, Jaylynn, I want to see how this ends.

JAYLYNN (V.O.): YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW THIS ENDS!

RK groans.

RK (V.O.): Moving on.

At that point, RK walks to the boys.

RK: What's going on, MacDougal? Newman? Saltacrackalackasnacka?

WADE: How many times do I have to tell you not to butcher my name?

RK: I don't know. More, apparently. So get this, guys. I'm going to buy a cat.

SPARKY: Oh, cool.

BUSTER: You're buying a cat? Are you stupid?

RK: How is it stupid to buy a cat?

BUSTER: Cats are evil, man. The other day, I was watching a news report about these cats that cornered a little boy and clawed his eyes out.

SPARKY: Wasn't that just part of a graphic novel they were talking about?

BUSTER: It was based on a true story. How much of a stretch can it really be?

WADE: RK, don't you end up ignoring all your pets and killing them through neglect?

RK: Ugh, I gave my lizard nothing but love and cheese and now I'm seen as a Nazi.

SPARKY: I'm surprised KG is even letting you get another pet.

RK: Well, he's not paying for it this time. I am. And I was hoping you fellas could help me out.

WADE: I don't know. Are you going to pay me back? You know, since you never do?

RK: That's not true. Didn't I pay you back for the...the, the, um...the chicken noodle stew?

Beat.

RK: So that's a no.

WADE: What do you think?

BUSTER: I would pay you something, but all I have are Sour Power Straws. Then again, I guess you could burter them.

RK: Burter?

BUSTER: Yeah, you know, when you trade some shit for something else?

SPARKY: Buster, that's bartering.

BUSTER: So what does it mean when you burter?

WADE: Nothing.

BUSTER: What a dumbass word.

RK: You know what? This was a bad idea from the start. I'll show you guys. I'll raise the cat funds myself. Then you'll see. All three of you will see.

RK walks away from the guys.

SPARKY: See what? What the hell is he talking about?

WADE: I always beg him to seek help.

SCENE 4

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

That same day, RK takes his piggybank and puts it on the floor.

RK: My life savings have to come through here.

RK smashes the piggybank open with a hammer and starts counting the money.

RK: Okay, about fifty bucks. All I need is like, fifty million more and I'll have a cat.

SCENE 5

("Money" by I Fight Dragons plays in the background)

RK starts his quest to buy a pet cat. He does odd jobs like mowing the lawn for his neighbors, shining shoes outside stores, and working at the mall as an unofficial attendant outside the bathroom. One man walks out of the bathroom and RK catches him with a lint roller. He continues to try cleaning him but the man is clearly uncomfortable and tries to get away. RK chases after him until nearby mall cops tackle him to the floor and use the lint roller to hit him in the face as a substitute for a pistol. Cut to a shot of RK doing curl-ups while staring at a poster of a cat on his wall as a source of motivation. RK is then shown taking bags full of cans to the recycling center. He appears to be doing this for days on end. One day, while taking bags to the center, he throws one of the bags to the ground and starts assaulting it, much to the confusion of everyone watching him do it.

SCENE 6

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

The kids are eating ice cream after a particular day of school. RK looks physically spent and defeated.

SPARKY: RK, you haven't even touched your sundae yet.

RK: I don't even know why I bought this. I have to save all the money I can on that cat.

BUSTER: You can always buy extra ice cream for me. Your money will go to somebody that can actually use it.

WADE: RK, you're spiraling down into insanity. If you don't calm down, you're gonna work yourself into the ground.

RK: But I have to keep working if I'll have a chance at living my dream. You know, I actually volunteered to clean the dumpsters at Dunkin' Donuts. A lot of people spit in them for some reason.

SPARKY: You know, RK, you could always just adopt a cat from the animal shelter. It will save you a lot of time and money.

RK: The animal shelter is the thrift shop of the pet world. No thanks.

SPARKY: Well, suit yourself, but every pet deserves a good home. You'll be giving some scared, lonely cat out there a second chance they never thought they would get.

RK: Who are you, Eliza Thornberry? Besides, I always had thoughts of the sickest, most uber ridic cat I could buy. He would wear a nice red robe and smoke from a gentleman's pipe. He would have a British accent and call himself a "real fat cat," because, you know. Plus, he would have two brothers and they would spend their inheritance on a crazy mansion with a monster truck.

WADE: It's not going to be like Catscratch.

RK: WHY CAN'T IT BE?!

SPARKY: RK, if having your own cat means that much to you, it shouldn't matter at all where it comes from. You know, unless it has some gross life-threatening disease that ends up killing you and your brother from the exposure.

RK starts eating his sundae and sees his reflection in the ice cream. He realizes how worn out he looks and sighs. He then turns to the camera.

RK: I guess Sparky's right. I'm being shallow. I'm going to go to that shelter and I'm buying the best damn cat there is.

SPARKY: Oh no, he's talking to nothing again.

BUSTER: Should I get the strawberry syrup to rub in his eyes?

SPARKY: No, get the hot fudge. It's a lot more painful.

SCENE 7

Goldreyer & Hauge Animal Shelter

Seattle, Washington

RK and KG walk into the shelter and take a look at some of the pets that have yet to be taken home.

KG: Are you sure you wanna do this? You don't know what these things might have.

RK: Then we'll get the shots. I just want a cat that's happy and healthy.

RK looks at a cat that's being cradled by an older woman at the back end of the shelter.

RK: That's it! Look over there, man!

KG: "Whatever isn't claimed after 120 days, we kill it and/or eat it." I mean, they're hardcore, but they're honest.

RK: No, the cat that woman's holding. He's beautiful. He was meant to be in my life. Me and that cat, that cat and me. The gods are singing, KG.

KG: You've always been a strange kid, haven't you?

RK: Yes. Why are you just realizing that? I'm going after that cat.

KG: Wait, RK, you can't...

("Like Toy Soldiers" by Eminem plays in the background)

The hook to "Like Toy Soldiers" plays in the background as RK runs in slow-motion towards the lady and the cat she is holding. He then leaps in the air, presumably to grab the cat while being off the ground, but the lady sidesteps RK's attempt and he ends up falling to the floor. KG shakes his head and covers his face with his hand in embarrassment.

RK: Ma'am, I know you're probably in love with that cat, but it's my destiny to take him home. I'll pay five hundred bucks for him.

Beat.

LADY: Okay.

RK: Shit, I was just bluffing. I'll still pay you for him though.

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and KG walk inside the house with the new cat.

KG: I still can't believe you paid that lady fifty bucks for this cat, and then you paid a hundred bucks for it at the register.

RK: KG, you don't understand the art of negotiating. It's all about pumping the gas to get what you want. Who gets who first? Supply and demand, you know what I'm saying?

KG: How is this anything like supply and demand? You didn't make any money when you did this!

RK: You know, sometimes, I wish you would just shut the hell up and let me win instead of criticizing every choice I make. Well, it's official. This cat is now a part of the Jennings family.

KG: So is it a boy or girl?

RK: I don't know for sure. I'm really thinking it's a boy. That way, he can protect the house when we're in danger.

KG: That's why you get a guard dog.

RK: Dude, haven't you ever heard of a jungle cat? He can be just like them.

KG: By keeping him as a domesticated house cat?

Beat.

RK: I swear, I'm like, five seconds away from slapping you. Quit testing me.

SCENE 9

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

The boys are all eating lunch together. Sparky watches Halley pass by him on her way out of the cafeteria.

HALLEY: Hey Sparky.

SPARKY: What's going on, Halley?

Sparky watches Halley leave the cafeteria and sighs while Buster watches him.

BUSTER: Dude, you have to stop being shy. Halley's just a human girl person, with arms and legs like everyone else.

SPARKY: Yeah, you're right. But I'm pretty sure she only wants to be my friend. Besides, she just moved here. You can't ask out a strange girl that moved to your city. It's against the code.

WADE: What code?

SPARKY: The code of the code that just recently turned into a code.

WADE: So it's an imaginary code that you just made up because you're afraid of Halley rejecting you?

SPARKY: I don't have to tell you anything I don't want to.

RK: Sparky, I believe in you. You lead this group like a master. If you just tell Halley you have your own posse, she'll be all over you.

WADE: What do you know about girls?

RK: I know girls love posses. Besides, it's time to spread some positivity up in this mother. We all deserve to win.

BUSTER: So you finally got your cat?

RK: You're damn right I did. I'm telling you, this might be the greatest moment of my life.

SPARKY: So is it a boy or a girl?

RK: Oh, I decided it's a boy.

WADE: What do you mean, you decided it's a boy?

RK: Well, when you get the pet, and they don't tell you what gender it is, that means it's unidentified. So you assign it the gender you want until further notice.

WADE: RK, that doesn't make any sense. You can't just pick and choose what gender you want it to be.

RK: Wow. So transphobic. When that lawsuit from GLAAD hits your mailbox, don't say I didn't warn you.

SPARKY: Transphobic? Hm. I've never heard that word before.

BUSTER: Well, if Wade was going to be afraid of anything, I guess it had to be trans fats.

The boys look at Buster with confusion, but he doesn't seem to notice at all. They all shake their heads and move on.

RK: Look, Wade, until the cat lets me know what sex it belongs to, I have to make the right decision as its parent. Besides, that's the least of my worries. Right now, I'm brainstorming what kind of cat I want it to be.

SPARKY: What do you mean?

RK: I mean, every pet has some kind of persona. Something that separates it from the neighbor's pet. But what persona does Mr. Tuxedo Pants fit?

WADE: Mr. Tuxedo Pants?

RK: Yeah. You remember that cat from Degrassi?

WADE: What?

RK: Dude, it was Charlie's cat. You know, the biker chick that lived with Fiona for a bit?

WADE: What?

RK: Dude, they were dating. Fiona's place ended up getting bed bugs and Fiona thought it was Charlie that brought them because she was a dirty street rat, but it turns out Fiona brought them?

WADE: I don't remember watching that season at all.

RK: Well, whatever, that's why I named my cat that.

BUSTER: Or maybe the cat you have now is Mr. Tuxedo Pants.

RK: How?

BUSTER: Well, they got rid of Charlie pretty quickly. The cat lost an acting job, so it was down on its luck for months until it was brought to the local shelter. That's how you knew what to name it.

Beat.

RK: You know, you're so cute and so stupid at the same time.

SCENE 10

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That weekend, RK and KG are hosting a party to celebrate the arrival of Mr. Tuxedo Pants. Buster and Wade are in attendance, but Sparky is nowhere to be found.

WADE: You know, I have to give it up to you and your brother, RK. You guys really went all out with the cat decorations.

RK: Thanks. It's too bad Sparky isn't here. He just had to pick this weekend to go see his parents. Selfish kids, I swear.

BUSTER: What do you mean, Sparky isn't here?

Buster pulls out a life-size cardboard cutout of Sparky from behind the couch.

BUSTER: It looks like he's right here to me.

RK: Wait, how did you get that in my house and why is this the first time I'm seeing it?

BUSTER: I don't know. You're kinda slow?

WADE: Buster, that's just a cutout.

BUSTER: You can't just define things, Wade. I mean, are you just black? Are me and RK just white? Is the Sun just yellow? What are we? What's anything? Why are we even here?

RK: So this cutout is here because...

BUSTER: Well, since Sparky couldn't make it, I had him record over 500 different phrases before he left, and I put them all in this cutout.

WADE: Over 500 phrases?

BUSTER: Yeah, he talks. Pull the string on the back.

Wade pulls the string on the back of the Sparky cutout to make it talk.

CUTOUT SPARKY: Chicken fingers? Mom, I thought you were making lasagna!

WADE: Why is that one of his phrases?

BUSTER: I don't know. Sparky likes lasagna? By the way, you can't actually choose what he says. It's all random.

RK pulls the string himself.

CUTOUT SPARKY: GO GO GADGET SKIS!

RK: Buster, on a scale of one to ten, how much weed did you smoke before you did this?

KG pokes his head out of the kitchen and waves RK in his direction. RK scratches his head and walks into the kitchen, where Mr. Tuxedo Pants is constantly meowing.

RK: What's going on here?

KG: It's the cat. It won't shut up. I tried ignoring it, but it's going to put a damper on the rest of the party if what we're celebrating doesn't even want to enjoy itself.

RK: What's going on, Tuxy? You hungry?

Mr. Tuxedo Pants continues meowing while RK has no idea of how to solve the problem.

RK: Sleepy? Bored? Sad? Come on, man, give me something to work with here.

KG: This is terrible. How are we going to throw a party now?

RK: I don't know, but I think we might have to call it a day. Let me tell the guys.

RK leaves the kitchen to go back to Buster and Wade.

RK: Yeah, guys, bad news. Something's wrong with Mr. Tuxedo Pants, so we'll have to end the party early.

KG runs out of the kitchen carrying Mr. Tuxedo Pants.

KG: No, you know what? I didn't spend all that cash on cat decorations to give up now. I mean, athletes play through the pain all the time, right?

WADE: I don't think your cat has much of a physical connection to LeBron James.

KG: Man, let's just keep the party going. I mean, how much worse can it get?

SCENE 11

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The guys are playing "Pin the Tail on the Cat" as Mr. Tuxedo Pants continues to meow. It's Buster's turn, but the noise is keeping him from concentrating.

BUSTER: Will you tell your stupid cat to shut up?

RK: Buster, how dare you disrespect the family in my inner sanctum?

BUSTER: I'm sorry, but he needs to chill. I don't even know what game we're playing.

WADE: Pin the Tail on the Cat, Buster.

BUSTER: Oh yeah. I forgot why I had this blindfold on.

KG: You know, I wonder what cutout Sparky thinks about all this.

KG pulls the string of the cutout Sparky.

CUTOUT SPARKY: No, don't touch me there. That's my no-no area.

WADE: The hell, Buster?

BUSTER: That cutout took a lot of effort.

RK: That actually reminds me of...

Mr. Tuxedo Pants' meows interrupt RK.

RK: That actually reminds me of...

*more meowing*

RK: Reminds...

*more meowing*

RK: COME ON, I JUST WANTED TO TELL A STORY HERE!

KG: You know what? I think this party's over. No one even looks like they're having fun.

RK: Well, we only had two guests. It's not like we were thinking that far ahead. It just needs more time.

Wade gets up to walk towards the kitchen and ends up tripping over the Sparky cutout.

CUTOUT SPARKY: Mother, I don't care if it's not ready yet. JUST GIVE ME MY GODDAMN LASAGNA!

WADE: Yeah, f*** this, I'm outta here.

Buster takes off his blindfold and grabs the cutout.

BUSTER: Me too. I'm going to go bury this thing where no one will ever find it.

RK: But Buster, you made that cutout.

BUSTER: Yeah, but the novelty's worn off. It's like listening to a Pink album. I mean, sure, there's the hits, but after that, who cares?

Buster leaves the house as Wade holds the door for him.

WADE: See you in school, RK.

Wade then leaves the house himself.

KG: That meowing's going to kill us both. Should we take him to the vet?

RK: No, let's just let this run its course. Who knows? Maybe it will resolve itself.

SCENE 12

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

Cut to an exterior shot of the Jennings house. Cut to a shot of RK in his bed late at night with his eyes wide open, unable to sleep because of the constant meowing from Mr. Tuxedo Pants. A personal bed has been made for him in RK's room.

RK: Shut up, Tuxy. *meowing* Shut up. *meowing* Mr. Tuxedo Pants, I'm trying to sleep. Shut up. *meowing* OH MY GOD, SHUT THE HELL UP! DO YOU REALLY HAVE THAT MUCH TO F***ING SAY?! HUH?! DO YOU?!

At that point, KG opens RK's door.

KG: Bro, will you cool it with the shouting in here?

RK: KG, it's 3:23 in the morning, Pacific Standard Time. You hear this shouting, you hear this noise from our dumbass cat, and the possibility that I've developed insomnia doesn't mean anything to you?

KG: Look, I know it's hard, man, but it's only been two weeks. It's a learning process.

RK: I guess. But I feel like I'm gonna die.

KG: Just keep calm and go back to sleep. It's gonna be okay.

RK: Alright. Alright, I'll go back to sleep.

RK sighs and goes back to sleep. However, Mr. Tuxedo Pants starts meowing again, which causes RK to start screaming into his pillow.

SCENE 13

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

More than a few days later, the kids are having lunch but RK is fast asleep.

WADE: Are we still on for movie night?

BUSTER: Of course we are. All we have to do is figure out what we're gonna see. Hey, let's watch The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie!

WADE: No. We don't have to watch that.

SPARKY: Maybe RK has an idea. RK? RK?

RK suddenly wakes up.

RK: Yeah, where am I? Is this hell?

SPARKY: Dude, you look terrible. Is your cat really that much trouble?

RK: You're damn right. I don't know what to do anymore. It's so freaking needy. It meows a million times a day. It needs to be fed. It always has to walk around the house when I'm trying to sleep. And I can't even enjoy TV anymore. Every time I watch a show, the characters now have whiskers and tails.

WADE: You know, you could just get rid of the cat.

RK: Yeah, I wish. But that would be admitting I failed, and then KG would be right about me being mentally unfit to own pets.

SPARKY: Yeah, but you can't just...

RK's phone starts ringing.

RK: Hold that thought. RK picks up his phone. Hello? Yeah, KG, what is it this time?

BUSTER: I'm just saying, the SpongeBob movie had great reviews.

WADE: But we've already seen it a hundred times.

BUSTER: Well, it's too hard to pick a good movie. Beat. Rugrats Go Wild?

WADE: No.

BUSTER: I didn't think so.

RK: Alright, fine, I'll come.

RK hangs up the phone.

RK: Pain in my ass, that kid.

SPARKY: What was that about?

RK: I have to go back home and take care of Mr. Tuxedo Pants.

SPARKY: But you're here in school.

RK: Doesn't matter. KG's not in school right now either. We have to settle the problem with Tuxy before we can go back to our normal lives.

WADE: RK, this is sick.

RK: I know. And you know what makes it sicker? I would rather be here than at home.

The boys gasp at RK's statement.

RK: Yeah, I know. I'll see you guys later.

RK takes his lunch to the garbage can and then leaves the cafeteria.

SPARKY: Part of me wonders if this counts as child abuse.

WADE: Technically, no, since KG is also a minor, so when you really think about it...

Sparky gives Wade an annoyed look.

WADE: I'm sorry. Sometimes, I can't help myself.

Buster starts scratching his left arm.

BUSTER: Great, I'm getting another rash. Today sucks.

Sparky and Wade look at Buster with bored expressions.

BUSTER: What? I'm sad about RK, but my health is at stake here!

SCENE 14

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Later that day, Sparky, Buster, and Wade are going on with movie night without RK.

SPARKY: I thought RK would be here by now.

WADE: I'll see where he is. Probably still taking care of Mr. Tuxedo Pants.

BUSTER: Hey, you guys remember that show Wayside?

SPARKY: Yeah, what about it?

Beat. Nothing happens for a couple seconds as Sparky and Wade stare at a silent Buster.

WADE: Buster?

BUSTER: Yeah, what's up?

WADE: Sparky just asked you what it is about Wayside that made you mention it.

BUSTER: Oh, I just miss the show. My man Todd just trying to live his life and everyone giving him the business. That was comedy.

SPARKY: I wish Halley would give me the business. Wait, what?

BUSTER: Don't worry, Sparks, it's gonna happen. Do you own cologne?

SPARKY: No.

BUSTER: Well, you need to get some. I read online that fancy cologne is the number one chick magnet in the world. And make sure it's the really expensive cologne with a name you can't even pronounce.

Wade hangs up his phone.

WADE: Great.

SPARKY: RK's not coming, is he?

WADE: Nope. He still has to take care of that dumb cat.

BUSTER: This is stupid. RK's such a flake, I'm sick and tired of him bailing on us.

SPARKY: I mean, he's at least doing something.

BUSTER: Yeah, but he's acting like a nine-year-old father. I might not understand science like Wade does, but that's not how babies work, dammit!

WADE: You know, maybe it's up to us to help RK. If we go over there and get to the bottom of this, I bet we can figure out the problem.

BUSTER: I don't know, man. That's family business. I don't get involved in what other families do. That's the quickest way to get shot.

WADE: How would this get you shot?

BUSTER: I don't know, Einstein, you tell me.

SPARKY: Wade has a point. RK's miserable and he needs our help. Maybe we can stay at his place for the weekend and see what we can do to take care of things.

BUSTER: Well, when you say "slumber party," I'm intrigued.

SPARKY: I never said that.

BUSTER: Too late, you already implied it. I need to get my rainbow jammies with the little unicorns on them!

Buster runs out of the house in excitement.

WADE: You know he's gonna forget, right?

SPARKY: Yeah, we'll pick him up once we're done packing.

SCENE 15

The Jennings Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

Sparky, Buster, and Wade walk up to RK's door with their sleeping bags and backpacks.

SPARKY: Alright, so this is your classic in and out. We stay for the weekend, solve the problem, and then it's back to our normal lives.

BUSTER AND WADE: Right.

SPARKY: Now, let's rock and roll.

Sparky rings the doorbell and RK answers.

RK: Hey guys. What are you doing at my neck of the woods?

SPARKY: We came to help you with Mr. Tuxedo Pants for the weekend.

RK: Really? You guys are awesome, it'll be like our own slumber party!

BUSTER: That's what I said!

RK: Why don't you boys come inside? We can have some Dority Rites, crack open some sodie soads.

WADE: RK, for the last time, stop coming up with stupid nicknames for things. It's Doritos and soda. Say it like a normal person would.

RK: Are you saying I'm not a normal person?

WADE: No, I'm saying you're an alien.

RK: Hey, you're a guest in my house and I have no problem dropping you on my ass right now.

WADE: What? You mean, your ass?

RK: You know what I meant.

WADE: Yeah, but why did you...

SPARKY: This isn't where this weekend is supposed to be headed.

BUSTER: RK, you actually look pretty good.

RK: Thanks. I took a nice bath and KG said he would handle Tuxy so I actually got some sleep.

BUSTER: Well, I bet he's tired.

RK: Yeah. This cat's slowly tearing apart our brotherhood, but now, I have to take care of him.

SPARKY: Well, finally, I get to meet the little hellraiser.

Mr. Tuxedo Pants slowly walks into the living room, looking overweight and haggard. The boys all scream at the sight of the cat.

BUSTER: WHAT IS THAT?!

SPARKY: KILL IT! KILL IT WITH NAPALM!

WADE: Ordinarily, I would decide against something like that, but euthanasia really doesn't make you a monster.

RK: You guys are exaggerating. Mr. Tuxedo Pants just came with a little baggage, that's all.

BUSTER: It looks like he's been eating a couple more bags of the cat food than he was supposed to.

SPARKY: Okay, so your cat has been meowing like crazy and now he's turned into Fat Albert. What else has he been doing?

RK: Well, there's been lots of vomiting and weird cravings.

WADE: Really?

Wade starts to do research on his phone.

RK: Yeah. And he's always moaning. Ooh, and mood swings too! One minute he's all cute and cuddly, and the next, he's trying to scratch my face off.

WADE: Very, very interesting.

SPARKY: Wade, did you find anything?

WADE: Yeah, I did. RK, I don't know how to put this, but did it ever occur to you these past couple days that Mr. Tuxedo Pants might be a Mrs. Tuxedo Pants?

RK: What are you trying to say right now, man? What...what are we really talking about here?

WADE: Pregnant.

RK: Heh?

WADE: Your cat...is pregnant.

RK: Wade, you're jumping the gun here. Mr. Tuxedo Pants can't be a girl. Are you sniffing coke?

WADE: Dude, all the signs are there. Weird cravings, mood swings, vomiting. That cat has kittens on the way.

BUSTER: I kinda wonder who the daddy is.

RK: Okay, let's say that you're right and my cat is a pregnant lady. We're gonna have to induce labor.

WADE: RK, labor is a very delicate and beautiful miracle of nature. You know we can't just have it happen at our requ...

RK grabs Wade by his collar.

RK: Listen, Saltwater Taffy. This damn cat has made my life a living hell since I got it! I'm sick of playing games! THAT SUMBITCH IS COMING OUT!

WADE: Alright, alright, we'll induce labor. Just let go of me.

RK: Okay, cool.

RK lets go of Wade's collar.

RK: I'm sorry I had to do that. I'm just a real passionate guy, you know?

WADE: I get it. Hey Sparky, you have those home remedies?

SPARKY: Yeah, they're in my backpack.

WADE: Alright, well, get them out. It's time to force a cat to give birth. What a weird-ass sentence.

SCENE 16

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

The boys are sitting around RK's bedroom floor while Wade is on his phone.

WADE: Alright, I found this really informative article about how to induce labor in felines, but it all depends on the cat. RK, do you know if Mrs. Tuxedo Pants is a queen?

RK: Well, I don't know. I mean, his family might have some royal lineage, but I don't see how that helps our problem.

WADE: No, a queen cat is a cat that's already given birth and is doing it multiple times.

RK: Well, I didn't know Tuxy was a Mrs. until tonight. I'm still trying to deal with the news.

WADE: That's okay. We'll just see how she behaves and that will determine if she's a queen. But we need to get her some exercise.

BUSTER: Come on, get up, fatty.

SPARKY: Buster, that's no way to talk to a pregnant cat.

Tuxedo Pants slowly gets up from off the floor.

SPARKY: Okay, what do I know?

SCENE 17

The Jennings Household

Seattle, Washington

("A Billion Hits" by Ross Lynch plays in the background)

A montage is shown of the boys trying to induce labor in Mrs. Tuxedo Pants. She throws up during the exercise, and Wade sets up a nice small bed in a quiet area for the inevitable labor. Buster feeds her cat food, but instead of putting a red raspberry capsule inside like he was supposed to, he instead puts in a whole red raspberry, causing Sparky to save Tuxy when she chokes. RK then chases Buster around the house for almost killing his cat. Wade then gets a rectal thermometer to take Tuxedo Pants' temperature, which is 98 degrees Fahrenheit. Buster trips on a cushion while holding a bowl of ice cream, causing him to crash into Tuxedo Pants and making her scratch Wade repeatedly. Buster then passes Wade a bag of frozen vegetables, but he gets chased around the house for a second time. Sparky sees that Tuxy's nipples are emitting milk, which is a major sign of her being ready to give birth. Buster and Wade then cover her up with a blanket in her small bed as KG walks downstairs.

KG: What's going on here?

SPARKY: Mr. Tuxedo Pants is actually Mrs. Tuxedo Pants. You're going to have kittens.

KG: Oh yeah, I already know that.

RK: Wait, you knew what the problem was and you didn't tell me?! You're sick. You're just a sick, sick sicko.

KG: Dude, I just found out the problem. I called the vet to see what was happening and he said it's all normal. In fact, we should be getting kittens any time now.

BUSTER: Yeah, no thanks to you.

KG: I was sleeping.

BUSTER: Oh, that's a convenient excuse.

Beat.

SPARKY: So is it happening soon?

BUSTER: Honestly, I don't know.

Buster walks over to Mrs. Tuxedo Pants' bed to survey the situation.

BUSTER:Hmmmm, maybe...

Buster accidentally steps on Mrs. Tuxedo Pants' tail as he tries to leave the bed.

BUSTER: Oh, shit on a shit stick.

Mrs. Tuxedo Pants hisses and starts to corner Buster.

SPARKY: What happened?

BUSTER: I stepped on her tail. She has murder in her eyes.

Sparky, RK, and Wade walk over to Buster to cover him.

SPARKY: Be easy, Tuxy. Buster didn't mean it.

WADE: You know, for a pregnant cat, she looks like she found her second wind.

RK: Yeah, why is that? Shouldn't she...

Mrs. Tuxedo Pants looks even more upset and meows angrily.

RK: WE WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO QUESTION IT!

The four boys run and Tuxy starts chasing after them while a confused KG watches.

SCENE 18

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Later on, the boys are beaten down on the floor, with their clothes ripped up and their faces scratched.

RK: This is it for me, isn't it? I'm never going to sleep again?

SPARKY: It's not that bad.

RK: How?

SPARKY: I don't know, I'm just trying to cheer you up here.

WADE: You know, you could have just gotten rid of the cat before this whole thing happened.

BUSTER: Wade, I don't think it's a good idea to endorse RK being a deadbeat grandpa.

KG: Guys, you have to come in here!

The boys look confused for a minute as they stare at each other and scratch their heads. They then run upstairs into KG's room. Cut to a shot of Mrs. Tuxedo Pants having given birth to three kittens.

KG: It's finally over.

RK: Oh my God. It was a long time coming, but it happened.

WADE: You know, they're actually really cute.

SPARKY: I know. I wish I could have one.

BUSTER: Me too. How come the universe gave RK four cats but I can't even get my old bunny Winky back?

RK: You know, you guys could always adopt them.

SPARKY: Really?

RK: Yeah. I only need one.

BUSTER: This day might be the day where my life finally comes together.

WADE: You guys have fun with them.

RK: Wait, Wade, you don't wanna be a dad?

WADE: No. I've never really been a cat person.

RK: That's okay. I'll find a great place for the third one.

SCENE 19

Goldreyer & Hauge Animal Shelter

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK leaves the third kitten in a basket in front of the closed animal shelter the next morning. He then shrugs and runs off. Dissolve into the present day.

SCENE 20

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK: And that's how it all started.

JAYLYNN: You guys are so stupid. Why didn't you just call the vet earlier?

RK: You just answered your own question.

WADE: You know, I really don't remember us being best friends back then, RK.

RK: Yeah, we weren't. Every day, you would call me a piece of shit.

WADE: I never called you that!

RK: Oh, right, Jaylynn used to call me that.

JAYLYNN: I love you though.

RK: I love you too, you little weirdo.

SPARKY: Hey, whatever happened to that third kitten? I never saw it after you took it to the shelter.

BUSTER: Yeah, me neither.

RK: Well, it probably found a great home. I mean, it's not like it's dead or anything, it can't be dead.

Beat. The other kids look concerned.

RK: It's not dead! Right?!

Beat.

BUSTER: Should I call the police for animal cruelty?

Cut to black.

("Invincible" by MGK featuring Ester Dean plays over the end credits)

©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS