I've noticed that favorite manga of mine, Hozuki's Coolheadedness, doesn't have many stories, so I decided to write one. I structured it like one of the episodes in the anime, where the narrator has something to say at the beginning and the end that relates to the episode's content. I hope you enjoy it!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the these characters except the two girls and one of those girls' brother. I do not know if Karauri's sister is call Oniko; I only named her that because I could not find out what her real name was, and if that is ever revealed, I would change it. All rights belong to Natsumi Eguchi.

Kirin. Dragon. Hakutaku. In Chinese and Japanese legends, these animals are considered auspicious symbols and bringers of good luck. But one has to wonder…could these animals use their luck on themselves?

Hakutaku's Luck, or, Four Women and no Funeral

"Momotaro! Good morning!" sang Shiro as he pushed through the door to Hakutaku's medicine shop. A large white dog with a curled tail and a large red and white rope tied into a huge bow around his neck, he looked like a Shiba with a thicker build. Behind him trouped his friends Rurio, a rather serious-looking red, green and brown pheasant; and Kakisuke, a monkey with a red bandana tied around his neck. Behind them followed Hozuki, a demon of Hell and King Enma's Chief of Staff. He wore a black and red kimono and straw sandals, and had only one horn sticking up on his forehead. He had short, chin-length, thin black hair and pointed ears. His face, with its narrow eyes trace in red at the corners and permanently frowning mouth, always looked sullen. In one hand he carried a large, black, spikey club.

Momotaro, the one that Shiro was calling for, sat slumped in a chair behind the counter. When Shiro and his companions came closer, they realized that he was sleeping. He was man of average height with a plain face and round features. Two short black bangs framed his face and the rest of his hair was covered under a kerchief with a little peach on it. His clothes, a green gi and blue hakama, looked rough and plain.

"Momotaro?" repeated Shiro, puzzled. At this, Momotaro opened his eyes sleepily. They widened when they took in the sight of his old friends and Hozuki.

"Hey, it's you guys!" he exclaimed, straightening, rubbing his eyes and bending down to talk properly with his old friends. "And you too Hozuki-san!" He added, turning to look at him. "What are all of you doing here?"

"Hozuki-sama said that he was going to get an order from Hakutaku-sama today, and it's our day off, so we decided to tag along and see you!" explained Shiro excitedly.

"Oh, you guys," Momotaro said fondly, patting Shiro on the head. "How are you all doing?"

"We've been doing alright, woof woof!" Shiro replied jovially.

"Oh, good! And how are you doing, Hozuki-san?" Momotaro asked, straightening.

"I'm fine. I'm here for an order," Hozuki replied coolly.

"Oh, right. Let me go see if it's here…" Momotaro bent down behind the counter. Several minutes later, he stood up looking shamefaced. "I'm sorry, Hozuki-san. It seems like he forgot to make it yesterday. I know the recipe, so I can make if for you if you like."

"I don't mind, but where is your worthless boss anyway?"

"Oh, I'd better go check." Momotaro ran to the back rooms. He returned a minute later. "Still asleep…well, that's to be expected, after last night."

"How have things been on your end, Momotaro?" asked Kakisuke curiously.

"You look worn out. Has it been busy recently?" Rurio inquired.

Momotaro sighed, returning behind the counter and bending down to look for something. "Not exactly busy. Yesterday was just a difficult day."

"I suppose you and that idiot were out getting drunk again last night?" inquired Hozuki disinterestedly as he settled himself into a chair. "It would explain why he's not in the shop today."

"Well, that's half of the truth," Momotaro replied, scratching his head and he got out a mixing bowl, a mortar and pestle, a caldron and several herbs. "Actually, what happened was much worse than that."

"Eh? What happened?" Kakisuke wanted to know.

"Yeah, tell us Momotaro!" Shirio joined in excitedly.

Momotaro sighed again. "Well, yesterday, two of Hakutaku-sama's girlfriends came to the shop at the same time. One had shown up for a date that they had arranged for that day, while the other one had heard that he was dating King Godotenrin-sama's Chief of Staff, Chun-sama,* and had come to confirm this with him. Naturally, the two found out that he was cheating on them, so they yelled at him, slapped him and left."

"That does seem pretty messy," Rurio remarked, sweatdropping.

"That's not all," Momotaro said. "A few hours after that happened, Chun-sama showed up angry. Apparently she had found out that he was cheating on her with those two girls, and gave him a beatdown."

"I thought the store looked a little more ragged than usual," commented Hozuki. "The door seems like it was broken and fixed sloppily, and several tiles were missing from the roof."

"Oh, really? No wonder nobody's stopped by today. It must look like a mess. I'll fix it as soon as I finish your order," Momotaro said apologetically.

"Man, that happened last night?" asked Kakisuke.

"No, it happened during the early afternoon. After she left, Hakutaku-sama decided to close early."

"After all that, I'm not surprised," remarked Rurio.

"Yeah, well, after we closed, he dragged me down to Crushing Hell's red-light district for women and booze," Momotaro went on.

"Seriously?!" exclaimed Momotaro's three former companions.

"You'd think that after all that, he'd stay away from women for a while!" Shiro barked.

"Right? But we went anyway. And not long after we got our first drink at a bar, some guy came in. He was a total stranger to me, but he started up a conversation with Hakutaku-sama like they were old friends. They practically became best-friend-drinking buddies that night. He just kept pouring out the booze."

"I knew it," muttered Hozuki, resting his chin in his hand as he leaned over the table on his elbow. "Of course that bastard got hammered."

"There's more," Momotaro persisted. "Shortly after that guy left, Hakutaku-sama felt severe pain in his stomach and spat up blood. The barmaid told me that she noticed the guy from earlier doing something to Hakutaku-sama's drink. Turns out that that guy was the brother of one of the girls that showed up earlier that morning- the one who was going to go on a date with Hakutaku-sama. They both work in Crushing Hell, and she probably told him the whole story."

"Oh, man," muttered Kakisuke, clutching his head tightly. "It figures that your bad deeds of the past will always come back to haunt you…"

"What happened after that?" asked Shiro.

"Well, Hakutaku-sama figured it was some sort of poison, so I rushed him back here and whipped up an antidote. After taking it, the blood and the stomach pains stopped and he fell asleep."

"You didn't need to do that," grumbled Hozuki. "That moron's a divine beast. Poison may cause him pain, but it won't kill him."

"Yeah, but he's my boss! And he asked me to make it!" protested Momotaro.

"Hmph. Well, I suppose that he would have puked blood all over the place which would have been a pain for you and the bunnies to clean up, so it might as well be…" Hozuki muttered.

This guy is the demon of demons, everyone in the room except Hozuki thought.

"By the way," Hozuki added, "What was the poison?"

"Uh… I can't remember," Momotaro replied blankly.

"Don't play dumb," Hozuki sneered as he craned his head over the counter into Momotaro's personal space. "You can't learn about antidotes without knowing poisons. Every good apothecary knows that."

"Seriously, I swear! Hakutaku-sama just told me the recipe and I whipped it up for him! I'd never made it before!"

"Then what were the ingredients…?" demanded Hozuki, his sneering face radiating a dark, intimidating aura.

"I- I can't remember! It-"

Hozuki's interrogation paused at a clinking sound. Looking down, they noticed that Hozuki's sleeve had knocked over one of the ingredient jars and an orange liquid had spilled out into a mound of herbs.

"Please accept my apologies, Momotaro. I did not mean to ruin your work," said Hozuki, a little calmer. He had settled back into his chair, cuddling one of the apprentice bunnies.

"Don't mind, don't mind," Momotaro said good-naturedly, although with a trace of exasperation, as he cleaned up the mess.

"You know, you said that Hakutaku-san was spitting up blood, but I don't see any bloodstains around here." Hozuki glanced around the room.

"If there were any, the bunnies would have cleaned it up." Momotaro sighed. "You know, for someone who is supposedly the symbol of good omens, how is he so unlucky?"

"He's the symbol of good omens?" asked Shiro, surprised.

"Yeah. We told you that the first time we were here, remember?"** Rurio reminded him.

"Oh, I guess I forgot," Shiro, said, looking downcast.

"People believed that seeing Hakutaku-san during an Emperor's reign would mean prosperity for that reign," Hozuki informed them.

"Yeah," Momotaro agreed, adding, "He appeared during the reign of the Yellow Emperor in China and was captured. The Emperor let him go after Hakutaku-sama gave him the details of 11,520 mystical beasts."

"The Yellow Emperor's reign would've been plenty prosperous without Hakutaku's appearance," argued Hozuki, "After all, he is said to have invented silk worm cultivation and agriculture, among other things."

"Yeah, but you have to admit that it was lucky for the Emperor to capture a beast who gave him so much important information at once," Rurio pointed out.

"You'd also have to admit that it was lucky for you to meet him in Shangri-la and that you got him drunk enough to spill everything you wanted to know at once, too," added Momotaro. "So drunk that he didn't look where he was going afterwards and fell from heaven to land right in front of the Yellow Emperor."

"Eh? That's how he got captured by the Yellow Emperor?" asked Shiro.

"Sadly, yes," Hozuki confirmed.

There was a moment of silence after this. Rurio broke it.

"Hm. Momotaro, I think I'm starting to understand what you mean when you say that Hakutaku-sama has bad luck."

"You do?"

"Yeah. After all, it was lucky for the Yellow Emperor to find him but it wasn't lucky for Hakutaku-sama because he couldn't get free until he gave that information. And while it was lucky for Hozuki-sama to find Hakutaku-sama in Shangri-la, it wasn't lucky for Hakutaku-sama because Hozuki-sama got him so drunk, which led to him being captured."

"If someone mentions it was lucky for me to find Hakutaku-san in Shangri-la one more time, I'm going to give them 100 spanks with my club," Hozuki growled frostily. Everyone else grimaced.

"Those times and yesterday weren't the only times Hakutaku-sama has had bad luck," continued Momotaro. "He told me once that he has no luck with money. He tried to invest in stocks but ended up losing all his money. We've also been haunted by the Zashiki Warashi, and the girls usually shoot him down or dump him."

"So, if he's a good luck symbol, why doesn't any of his luck apply to him?" wondered Rurio.

"Hm. Maybe it has something to do with his powers," mused Shiro.

"Powers?" asked Kakisuke.

"Yeah. I mean, he's a beast with mystical powers. Luck's probably one of them."

"Hm. I think you might be onto something, Shiro," Rurio said.

"Perhaps his bad luck is a side effect?" suggested Kakisuke.

"Maybe the people around him suck out the good luck from him!" Shiro said.

"Or maybe he sucks the bad luck from them," Rurio put in.

"Don't be ridiculous. It's not like he's a reverse-Ichiko Sakura,"*** Momotaro reminded them.

"I'm surprised you know about that anime," Hozuki commented.

"What's more surprising is that you would know about it!" Momotaro retorted.

"Regardless, that theory might actually be the closest to the truth," Hozuki admitted.

Everyone looked at him. "You think so?" asked Shiro.

"It's been said that Hakutaku eats up people's bad experiences and illnesses****, though personally I've never seen him do such a thing," Hozuki explained. "Still, nothing would give me greater pleasure than watching him do so."

An anguished moan emerged from the back of the shop, and the door to the living quarters opened to reveal a very haggard-looking Hakutaku. Large dark bags sagged under his eyes and there was still some dried blood on one side of his mouth. Together with ghostly pale skin, bloodshot eyes that clashed with the red markings at the corners, and a chaotic bedhead, he looked like something out of a zombie flick.

Another silence fell. Then Shiro turned to Momotaro and said, "Momotaro, is that a kyonshi?"*****

"Uuuugh," groaned Hakutaku, clutching at his head as if he were afraid it might fall off.

"No, I'd say that's a new version of Frankenstein," Hozuki replied.

He's something alright, Momotaro thought to himself as he observed his teacher. Even though that antidote might have also stopped the bleeding, the combination of the blood loss and his hangover should've at least turned his legs to jelly.

"Stop yelling, all of you," groaned Hakutaku.

"Um, we're not," Rurio responded slowly.

"Just shut up-ulp!" Hakutaku covered his mouth and made a break for the toilet. Everyone in the shop spent the next few minutes trying to pretend that they couldn't hear the sounds of someone throwing up everything he had in his stomach.

"Behold, the great Hakutaku in all his glory," Hozuki deadpanned as Hakutaku staggered back in.

Hakutaku rubbed his eyes and peered at Hozuki, then released another groan. "Shut up, freak. If it weren't for this headache that feels like all of Mt. Pincushion trying to stab its way into my head, I'd say I was having a nightmare."

"I'll bet that your headache is nothing compared to all of Mt. Pincushion actually stabbing into your brain. Shall we test your theory?" inquired Hozuki.

"Hell no!" Hakutaku snapped, then clutched his again. "Ugh. Taotarou-kun, why is this freak here?"

Hozuki answered for him. "I'm here to pick up an order that you've apparently forgotten to make. Momotaro is making it for me now."

"Eh? I thought you were going to pick it up tomorrow," moaned Hakutaku, dragging over a chair and draping himself on it as limply as an overcooked noodle.

"I said that I would pick it up on Wednesday, and today is Wednesday."

"Eh? No way, I'm sure it's still Tuesday…" Hakutaku yanked his head to the side to look at calendar hanging on the wall. Each day that had passed already was crossed out, including Tuesday. "Oh. I guess it is Wednesday."

"All done," Momotaro announced, putting the finished order in a bag.

"Thank you," said Hozuki, handing over his payment. "Oh, and there's one more thing." He reached into one of his sleeves, drawing out a pink envelope with Hakutaku's name written on it, with little hearts serving for the dashes in the kanji in his name.

Hakutaku stared at it with disgust. "Please tell me that isn't from you."

"Don't be ridiculous," sneered Hozuki. "It's not. It's from the sister of one of my subordinates, Karauri. She asked me to deliver it to you when she heard I was coming here."

"Eh?" Hakutaku straightened, sobering up, and his eyes, formerly glassing and disinterested, now sparked with interest. "What does she look like?" he asked as he snatched the letter from Hozuki's hand. "Eh, maybe I'll go out with her next, since she seems interested enough in me to send a card."

Would Hozuki-san really go to the trouble to deliver a girl's love letter to Hakutaku-sama? Momotaro wondered. He's not that supporting character in a romance manga who delivers other girls' love letters to the main character because he's the main character's best friend. Especially considering that they're definitely arch-enemies…

Hozuki's involvement apparently didn't strike Hakutaku as odd, as it seemed that caution and common sense had either left his body with the bile he had puked out earlier or had fled in the face of a love letter. He tore open the envelope and pulled out a card. "'Hakutaku-sama, consider this a token of my love '" he said, reading the front of the card aloud, and chortled as he opened the card.

Immediately, he was punched off his feet by the fist on a giant Oni's arm that hurled its way out from the card. Everyone in the shop stood and stared in stunned amazement as they watched Hakutaku fly straight through the wall behind him and into the world beyond, leaving behind a Hakutaku-shaped hole. Afterwards, Hozuki picked up the card (which Hakutaku had dropped), the arm still dangling from it. "Hmm, this looks like Nasubi's work. It seems that he painted an arm that could punch someone when they opened the card using that Black Cord Hell paint.******* Impressive. Truly a work of art that showcases his genius as an artist."

"Only you would consider an assault like that as a work of art!" screeched Hakutaku as he staggered back into the house through the hole he made. His nose bled heavily, and his voice was nasal.

"You're not happy with this?" Hozuki asked, face deadpan as ever. "Surely you think the girl is a knockout, since she literally blew you away.

"Don't screw with me!" Hakutaku yelled. "You had something to do with this, didn't you!"

"Unfortunately, I'm sorry to say that I'm only the messenger here," retorted Hozuki calmly.

Momotaro, who was mopping up Hakutaku's bloody nose, turned to look at the arm that still protruded from the card and noticed something. "Um, Hakutaku-sama? Hozuki-san? There seems to be something in the arm's fist."

The two stopped bantering to look at it. "Hm, you're right. It looks like a piece of paper," said Hozuki.

"Another message?" asked Momotaro.

"You might be right."

"How could we get it out?"

"Hm." Hozuki bent down, examining the fist, his finger on his chin as he thought. Then he straightened up. "Would you please give that piece of paper you're holding to me?" he asked.

Immediately the fist uncurled, holding out a crumpled piece of paper out on its flat palm. When Hozuki took it, the arm merged back into the paper.

Everyone stared in surprise. "So simple!" squeaked Kakisuke.

"Impressive," Hozuki remarked as he closed the card. "To included a message in a piece of art that can reach out from the paper… I really should give him another commission."

"What does the message say?" asked Shiro, standing on his hind legs and putting his front paws on Hozuki's leg. "Tell us! Tell us!"

"Hey, that's mine!" protested Hakutaku.

Hozuki read aloud the following:

Take that, Hakutaku, you bastard! You broke my friend Ruriko's heart yesterday! Eat shit and die!

-Oniko********

"That's not what it saaaaays!" Hakutaku wailed.

"Here, read it for yourself," said Hozuki, shoving the piece of paper into Hakutaku's face. He snatched it away and read it, scowling as he did so.

"'Ruriko?'" murmured Shiro.

"One of the girls that came to the shop yesterday," replied Momotaro. "I think she was the one who found out that he was dating Chun-sama."

"Still, isn't this way of delivering a message a little complicated?" muttered Momotaro. "Couldn't she have sent a Howler?"

"A Howler? You mean, send one of us from Animal Cruelty Hell to howl at him?" Shiro inquired.

"No, a Howler is a red letter that screams at people, then burns up," Hozuki corrected him. "They only exist in Harry Potter." He gripped his chin with a hand. "But even if they did exist, I prefer this letter over the other. A Howler's screaming would've aggravated his hangover's headache, but the other is to the point and it has more impact."

Hakutaku glared at Hozuki. "You bastard, you had something to do with this, didn't you?"

Hozuki folded his arms. "I told you, I had nothing to do with the making or writing of this card and its message, but the people who gave it to me did explain the situation and what it was for."

"Well naturally. You're not the kind of guy who delivers love letters from other people to others anyway," Momotaro observed.

"Of course not," Hozuki replied. "There was a saying in the West that goes 'Hell hath no fury like a woman's thorn.' I simply wanted to observe the veracity of this statement."

"Like hell you did!" Hakutaku screamed.

"I'll admit," Hozuki went on, ignoring him, "that while the women's forms of revenge only were only delivered once, they certainly were delivered more viciously than the demons of hell deliver their punishments. But that is due to a personal stake in the matter. We can't have that sort of thing involved in our legal system. Pity, it seems that personal revenge stimulates creativity."

Considering the grudge you have against this guy, you should already know that! everyone except Hozuki and Hakutaku thought indignently.

"Stop being so analytical about it as if it were no big deal!" Hakutaku snapped. "In any case, stay out of my love life!"

"If I could, I'd gladly stay out of all your life. In any case, I wasn't aware that your love life involved love of any kind," retorted Hozuki coldly.

Ouch. That's gotta sting, thought Momotaro, wincing.

"Only a guy like you who's never dated anyone would be blind to the passion in a romantic relationship!" Hakutaku yelled.

"I'm sure I'm familiar with this kind of passion in a relationship," retorted Hozuki, opening the top flap of Oniko's card.

Immediately, the arm inside shot out of the card and sent Hakutaku flying once again out of the house. As he did, everyone heard him screaming "You dumbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssss!"

Momotaro and Hozuki went to the hole in the wall to see where Hakutaku flew off to. Momotaro sighed. "Man, it looks like he's going to have another unlucky day."

"Luck nothing," objected Hozuki, turning to look at Momotaro. "Some people blame their bad experiences on bad luck, but I believe that such experiences are the inevitable consequences of bad decisions. People who blame such things on luck are the type who don't reflect on their actions." He picked up the envelope and stuffed the card and the message into it, then tossed it on the counter.

"So, you don't believe in luck?" Momotaro wanted to know, watching Hozuki pick up his club and bag.

"To a point. Some things do happen because of luck. In this guy's case, though," he said, turning to look out the hole in the wall, "I think that the events that occur due to putting him with wine and women are definitely the inevitable consequences and not bad luck."

Everyone grunted in agreement.

"I'm with you there," Momotaro agreed. And I'd also say that it was due to poor luck that he had to make an enemy out of you of all people.

Sometimes people suffer due to bad luck, but other times it's due to their actions.

Author's notes:

*Chun-Sama- a Kyonshi (hopping vampire) who is King Godotenrin's aide. He is the tenth and last king of hell. Her relationship with Hakutaku is shown in the anime's second season in episode 12.

** shown in episode 3.

*** Ichiko Sakura is a character in "Good Luck Girl!" She's a character who is extremely lucky because she sucks in all the other characters good luck.

****Saw this on the Wikipedia page on Hakutaku, aka Bai Zhe

*****A Kyonshi is a hopping vampire, a sort of Chinese zombie.

*******The black chord hell paint, for those who don't know, is a paint made from the earth in Black Chord hell. This paint is capable of making the things painted come alive and attempt to move away from the place it was painted. Nasubi, who is a friend of Karauri, made this paint.

********I do not know Karauri's sister's name, so I simply gave her the name Oniko, the combination of Oni, which is demon, and -ko, a common ending on Japanese girls' names. I didn't make it something fancy as I hope the author would tell us her real name.

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