Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings.
The Camp Campsite
The Orcs were advancing from all sides. Gimli hacked with his axe. Aragorn and Legolas stood back to back. Legolas couldn't use his bow and arrow in such close range, so he, like Aragorn, had resorted to sword combat. Even though there were only 3 of them against millions of Orcs, they easily won.
They trudged back to their campsite and Legolas donned his cooking apron. "Ok everyone" he said. "Listen up! I'm going to make a simple asparagus, cous cous and ver jus salad for starters, then we'll have a zesty chicken risotto with char grilled capsicum and eggplant, and for dessert I'm just going to mix up some crème de fraise mousse with caramelised banana on the side. Is that ok with everyone? Goodo." He skipped off to the camp stove.
Aragorn retreated to his Thinking Rock. This was his Thinking time. And for some reason, he Thought of Gimli. He smiled as he remembered the day's battle, and how Gimli's arms had rippled as he swung his axe into the neck of an Orc. How his ruby beard had shone in the sun as he leapt out of the way of a sword.
"Dinner's ready!" Legolas called gleefully.
Aragorn organised his pants and thoughts and sat down to dinner, where Gimli entertained him with sparkling conversation.
That night, after dinner, whilst Legolas was applying a conditioning facial scrub, Aragorn crawled into Gimli's tent.
"Oh, Gimli! You must know how I feel! You light up my life! And my pants!" Aragorn howled.
"I feel the same way, oh beautiful Aragorn!" Gimli grabbed him.
Suddenly Legolas stormed in.
"Oh my god, you skanky bitches! I hate you! All I do is like, cook and clean for you and look after you! I'm a slave to your like, every need! And this is like, the thanks I get? Sluts! I'm soo sick of this! You treat me like crap and then like, get off behind my back? What about ME? You always like, exclude me! You fucking mole whores!" He burst out crying and gently bitch-slapped Aragorn before collapsing in uncontrollable sadness.
"I'm so sorry! You're right. I've taken you for granted far too long." said Gimli.
Legolas looked up. "Really?"
"Yes. Why, I'd feel honoured if you joined us." Gimli murmured.
"Yeah, sorry, 'las." stated Aragorn.
"Thanks you guys. Wait a sec and I'll take my conditioning facial scrub off." Legolas sniffed.
The Dwarf mating call is said to be a truly blood-curdling sound, and so many small creatures scurried away from the campsite in the nights to come.
Bec: Read and review. Or don't. Whatever. If you don't like it because you think I have a really crappy writing style and I suck and it sucks, I don't care. I'm not going to expend brilliant efforts on a brief, humorous (to me) fanfic, so get over it. I don't want to hear about "Ooh, you are the worst writer." etc. because, I really don't care. It's not meant to be profound. And don't complain about the homosexuality. If you don't like, don't read.