When the letter arrived you just let it sit on your dresser for a few days before you eventually opened it. You knew who had sent it, Coulson had told you as much when he had thrown it on your bed at the new S.h.i.e.l.d base. That had been one of his conditions, Ward, to co-operate with the agency in anyway possible he would be able to write you a private letter. Needless to say Coulson hadn't been too happy about your relationship with Ward, especially in light of recent events, but you were trusted enough by Fitz and Simmons from your days in the lab to be given the chance, and not be accused as Hydra.
4 days after it had arrived and you were still scared to open it, you had loved Ward, you'd told him things and done things with him that you'd never shared with anyone else before. You had loved him. And then he had betrayed you, betrayed everyone, and he still had the nerve to request a damn letter to be sent to you.
It was actually May who convinced you to open it in the end, which had shocked you. Finding out about his affair with her while the two of you were still together had nearly destroyed you, and she had hardly spoken to you since you'd arrived at the old S.S.R base whereas Skye had apologised time and time again for not knowing, and she had only kissed him.
Staring at the letter from the other side of the room you plucked up the courage to pick it up, crawling over your bed in the small compartment space and snatching it up with your hand. On the front of the envelope was your name, (Y/N), written in the handwriting you knew so well.
You tore it open with your finger and shook it till the contents fell out into your palm. Inside there was a folded A4 sheet of paper with writing on both sides, all in the same handwriting at the envelope. Looking at it made you miss him immensely.
Once you unfolded the letter you sat down on the edge of your bed and began to read.
My dearest (Y/N)
Cringe, you thought to yourself.
I know what you have been told about me, and what I have done and who I have done them for and with. These indications will portray me as the bad guy, but I am just a victim of circumstance and abuse.
You clenched your jaw and rolled your eyes. He was really opening with the nobody loves me everybody hates me stance? You skimmed past the ranting dialogue about the treatment he received as a child, he had told you it all before, when you felt sympathy and compassion for him. That was then, this was now.
You got down to the next paragraph, where he opened with Hydra.
As you're probably already aware, Hydra has been deep inside S.h.i.e.l.d for generations, waiting till it was time to emerge. And I'm also sure you're aware that I am a member of Hydra, I joined with John Garrett, who saved me from my family and built me up so that I wasn't weak.
Why was he telling you all of this? If he'd been in Hydra since he joined then surely that means everything he did was a lie? Including love you.
But Hydra or not, I still love you, regardless of what we've done.
What we've done? The only thing you had done is fight for the good cause, and you didn't feel guilty about it at all, Hydra was the enemy.
This letter is basically a confession of the crimes I have committed while being undercover for Hydra and all the intel I have passed on. It is also an apology to you, and for everything I have put you through since we met. For what I did with Melinda and Skye, to what I did with Garrett, to what I did to Victoria Hand... You get the point, I've made many a mistake over my life but the one thing that wasn't a mistake was loving you, being with you, wanting so much more with you. There have been a lot of times down here where I wanted to give up, to let go, I held on for you, for us...
A tear hit the page and you wiped your eyes, now was not the time to cry. Ward had betrayed S.h.i.e.l.d, betrayed you, betrayed everyone you cared about and everyone he was supposed to care about. Your heart ached for him, for the man you had fallen in love with.
You read on past the confessions, past the murder, past the blood shed, till you reached about half way down the back page where he said your name.
(Y/N), do you have any idea how hard it has been to not be 100% honest with you up until now? I wanted to share everything with you, my life, my stories, my secrets. If I had thought for a second you would have joined me then I would have explained everything to you there and then, but I knew you never would, and that's one of the reasons I love you. One of the reasons I always will, you have fire in your heart and an inner sense of right and wrong that compelled me to be a better person, even though my duty was always to Hydra.
You sucked in a breathe, trying hard not to cry, it wouldn't make you look good. You couldn't tell whether this was a love letter or a confession or both.
I want to see you, just once more, before I outlive my usefulness to S.h.i.e.l.d and Coulson and or May will finally get rid of me once and for all. I need to see your beautiful (Y/E/C) eyes and radient (Y/H/C) hair again, please.
I love you and I'm sorry. Grant
He signed his name quickly at the end of the last page and you felt a hot tear fall silently down your cheek and onto your lips. You put the letter back where you found it and lay on your back on your bed, letting even more tears fall down the sides of your face and onto your pillow, you remained like that until you fell asleep.