I loved the last episode of season 4. Yes, I'd have loved to have seen 65 minutes of a Naomily special, but I'll settle for what I got. I've got a story going at the minute looking at things through Naomi's eyes. This is my take on the last episode through Emily's eyes, and filling in some missing scenes. I can't carry on with "Anything to Declare" until I get this out of my system, and being as I'm on opposite shifts to my girlfriend (again)... this fills up my lonely time!!!

Since We Were 12.

She cheated on me, that was months ago. I know she's fucking miserable, so am I. In her defence, I've never given her anything to do when she said she's 'do anything'. The thing is, I know she would do anything. She sat and explained to me in detail what went on with Sophia that day. I know she didn't hold anything back.

We've basically been living in limbo. She's been treading on egg shells around me. The bolshie narky Naomi that I know and fell in love with for all of her faults isn't there. There's no light in her eyes. We've not had sex, not kissed, not even hugged or snuggled. I won't let her. I wanted to punish her. And fucking hell, haven't I punished her. Thing is I've been punishing myself too.

She's a fucking zombie. I've driven her away so much all she does is drink and take drugs along with the abuse and public humiliation I put her through. She never used to take that many drugs, but you never see her without a spliff in her hand these days. Even Katie's commented on it, telling me that I'm killing her and is it really worth it.

"Either cut her loose or forgive her Ems" were her exact words. "Neither of you can live like this. You just exist. It's not fair on either of you."

When the fuck did she get so fucking wise and calm? Fuck it, she was so rational, like I used to be before Naomi cheated and I stopped listening to her. I ripped Katie's head off after her nicely calm considered speech to me. What the fuck did she know?

Every time I looked at Naomi she looked like a lost little girl. It didn't help that her mum and Kieran had gone travelling for a year. She had no one. Except me and she'd really stuffed that up.

So, we existed for months. She'd try every so often and sometimes I'd let her in a little bit, but more often than not I'd lash back at her in some way and knock her confidence back down.

I met Mandy. And I like her, I really do. She's everything Naomi isn't. Dark, brown eyes, claims she'll never hurt me, and to be honest she's been pretty patient with me. We've kissed a few times, but she's not Naomi. Naoms can set me on fire with one look or glance. One touch of her lips and I'm hopelessly lost. That's why I can't kiss her. I'll lose myself again. We've not fucked. I can't bring myself to do it. She's nice, she really is, but she's not Naomi and I can't bring myself to let Naomi go. Why won't she fight for me? Show me she cares? I know she does, god knows, the shit she's tolerated off me any one else would have told me to get to fuck ages ago. But I just want her to stand up to me, like she used to.

It's come to this. Cook's moved in, he's got nowhere else to go after skipping from the youth offenders centre and Naomi feels she owes him after he took the fall for the drugs. Christ, I'm fed up of him shagging. If I have to hear 'grab my balls' one more fucking time I'll grab his balls and rip them the fuck off.

I woke up next to Mandy, who I thankfully hadn't shagged, Naomi had come in clean and sober and kissed me on my forehead after explaining what had happened with Mandy. Oh god, she kissed me. Ok, on my forehead, but even that small gesture has the capacity to undo me. I love her that much, shit I know I do and I'm just starting to realise just how much. But I can't show her that. I can't. Not yet, but I'm starting to think maybe I will show her. Just not yet. It can't be just yet, it's not right.

Mandy made some moves on me. Telling me all the things she knew I'd wanted to hear off Naomi. It was a little bit of a low blow. I think she knew that if I hadn't left Naomi by now I probably never would. She knows that using other people moving in was just an excuse to have some sort of contact by sleeping in the same bed. Mandy kissed me and I told her no. I was being fucking cruel keeping her around, but I wasn't ready or strong enough to do anything else. Neither it seemed was Naomi. Then Naomi fucked it up again by getting pissed in front of everyone and making a fucking tit of herself about Arseia or whatever the Effy wannabe was called. People left and it ended up with the three of us in the living room. Me, Naomi and Mandy. Champion. Me in a room with one girl I knew loved me in her own fucked up way, and one wannabe suitor who kept telling me all the right things.

Naomi furthered her twat status by making Mandy dance with her, like she was baiting her, daring her. 2 rivals fencing for my affections. Pistols at dawn, that sort of thing. When she shouted about how fun the last few months had been I couldn't deal with it, so I did the one thing I'd always accused Naomi off. I ran. I spent half an hour in the bathroom. I got a text off Mandy saying she'd gone home and to contact her when I realised she was the one for me. I wasn't too sure what she'd meant when she said she'd sorted things with Naomi. Fuck. I didn't want to leave the safety of the bathroom, but I was a Fitch and we're made of sterner stuff.

I plucked up the courage and ventured into the kitchen. Naomi was pouring herself a cup of coffee for a change. She turned around and I'd gasped as the state of her lip. What the fuck? She stared at me, looked me dead in the eye and I saw the broken woman she'd become.

"Your little gay friend left." She touched her lip and winced slightly. "I think she was hungry and left to get some food. She seemed to mistake my lip for a burger or something."

I stared at her. Unwilling to believe Mandy would do that. I'm sure the disbelief showed on my face as Naomi smiled sadly.

"But of course I'm a fucking liar aren't I Ems?" She shrugged and walked out into the garden, unwilling to talk to me anymore. I'd left and gone into the park over the road and texted Mandy a pretty blunt text.

"What the fuck happened to Naomi's lip?" I waited for a response. It only took 5 minutes but sure enough a text came back confirming Naomi's story.

"I told her if she didn't want you I did and bit her lip. She slapped me. She deserved it Emily. She doesn't deserve you."

I couldn't fucking believe it. Naomi was right. No that's wrong, deep down inside I knew she was right, I just couldn't believe Mandy did that. She had no right to hurt Naomi like that. I didn't appreciate her acting like an overbearing girlfriend. She had no right. Shit, I bet Naoms thought I'd slept with her. Especially after my crazy behaviour in the morning. Shit, wank, bollock, I hadn't slept with her. And bollocksing hell, I was still so painfully in love with Naomi.

I'd sat out there most of the evening, watching the day turn to dusk. Even when Cook came out, put an arm around me and gave me a little "you two still love each other, just fucking talk it out you daft lezzers" talk I didn't move. I gave up when it was too cold to stay outside anymore. Cooks quiet support and warm arm around me long gone. I went to bed. Too exhausted to do anything other than sleep next to the one person I didn't know how to deal with anymore, but still couldn't live without.

I opened my eyes the next morning still thinking about the haunted look in Naomi's when I spoke to her in the kitchen. Maybe it was time to try, I didn't know, but I'd give it a go. I rolled over thinking I'd wake Naomi up gently and try to talk. I was shocked to see her leaning up on an elbow. Looking a little more like the aloof Naomi of old.

"I love you" creeped out of my mouth. I looked at her, and her eyes hardened.

"Don't lie." She stood up and threw some clothes on. "My mum's coming home next week. Maybe you should go." And with that she walked out. I guess you should be careful what you asked for. I wanted her to show me something, be more like the Naomi of old, but all I'd got was the cold calculated fucking bitch of old. Jesus. She really did think I'd shagged Mandy, and let's be honest here. Who could blame her?

I sat there numb. I couldn't believe it. I'd won in a sick way. She'd cracked and caved in to the pressure and bitterness I'd thrown at her the past months. My dad was wrong, it didn't get any easier. I'd made it much much worse. Going from wounded girlfriend to bitter martyr. Oh my god. She was throwing me out. She'd ended it. I was.... I don't know....devastated? Angry? Sad? Relived? I grabbed my bag and started throwing some of my clothes in, unable to bear what I'd become, what we'd done to each other. I gave up when I heard Naomi's sad songs CD come on. The stuff I knew she listened to when she was upset. I'd been hearing it a lot lately. Fuck. I threw some clothes on and walked out. I needed some space.

I came back an hour later to find everything wrecked. Katie grabbed my hand and told me the police had raided the place, Cook had done a runner and we were going for some twin time. We walked past the living room door and I stopped, looking at Naomi. She looked at me; her shoulders slumped in defeat and turned away. Her eyes had looked dead. She looked destroyed. I wanted to hug her dammit. Damn these fucking emotions and fuck my newly sensitive, cupid playing, sensible sister. She dragged me away, wanting to talk about how she'd put her own feelings for Thomas aside to try and get him back together with Pandora. Fucking hell she was going for sainthood wasn't she?

Katie and I went for a walk together, holding hands. It was nice. I had my sister back. The one I could have done with having around last year, still better late than never. I told her everything. All about Mandy, Naomi, their fight over me and how Naomi had finally cracked and given up.

We were sitting on a bench (what the fuck was it with me and benches lately?) Katie had sat and listened to me without interrupting. She paused for a moment and looked at me.

"Ems, do you want to be with Naomi? I mean really be with her? Because seriously babe, I know she did wrong, and I wanted to twat her for it, but think about this for a minute. That girl killed herself because Naoms loved you and wouldn't be with her. She's felt guilty over her death too. Just think about it. She's only really got you that she trusts and she's fucked it up."

I'd looked at Katie and I think my head exploded. Fucking hell, I hadn't even thought of the guilt she must be carrying around. I started crying again, my sisters arms around me as her phone and my phone went off at the same time.

"Freddie's shed. Birthday party."

Fucking hell, Effy and her timing. And where the fuck was Freddie anyway? I'd been wrapped up in my own problems. Katie said he'd done a runner and then said we were going to get changed at the caravan and then go to the party.

And here I am standing in a totally not awkward moment with Katie and Thomas. I'd never been in Freddie's shed before, but neither had Thomas. We could hear the music blaring. One final shindig for us all before we all went our separate ways. Holding Katie's hand we walked into the shed to find the most unpartylike party ever. Effy and Panda snuggled up on a sofa, Cook sitting drinking and Karen, Freddie's sister and JJ playing cards.

It's pretty fair to say that Katie wasn't impressed. JJ said they were playing truth or dare with and who was next.

The shed door opened and Naomi walked in. She looked like an angel. Her eyes were bright, not dulled by any drugs. She took my breath away. I still had to put a front on though and glared at her. She looked at me, only me.

"I'll go first shall I?" She swallowed. Still never talking her eyes off me. This was for me only. I was vaguely aware that everyone in the shed had gone ultra quiet.

"I loved you from the first moment I saw you. I think I was 12. It took me 3 years to pluck up the courage to speak to you. I was so scared of the way I felt, you know, loving a girl. So I learned how to be a sarcastic bitch to make me feel normal.

I screwed guys to make it go away, but it didn't work. When we got together it scared the shit out of me, because you were the one person that could ruin my life.

I pushed you away, made you think things were your fault, but really, I was just terrified of pain. I screwed that girl, Sophia, to kind of spite you for having that hold on me. And I'm a total fucking coward, because I got these… these tickets to Goa for us 3 months ago. I didn't want to be a slave to the way I feel about you.

Can you understand? You were trying to punish me back, and it's horrible. It's so horrible, because really, I'd die for you. I love you. I love you so much, it's killing me."

She was crying as she said the most perfect and heartfelt speech I've ever heard. She'd finally stood up for what she believed in. Me, us. Katie quietly hissed "Yes!" to my right. I looked at Katie for a second, she just smiled, she had fucking tears in her eyes, Jesus. I walked to Naomi. She was standing there trembling. I put my hands up to her face and showed her how I felt. I poured every emotion and fibre in my being into that kiss, my hands running through her soft hair. The world faded away; it was just the two of us back together. I felt whole again. I buried my nose into her shoulder and felt her hand cup the back of my head. She was still sobbing gently.

"God I've missed this, I've missed you Ems, I'm so sorry." I slowly heard the sound of the others cheering and clapping us. You couldn't miss Cooks hollering and whooping. We drew apart for a few seconds to look at each other.

"It's over now Naoms. It's the past. Forgive me?" I smiled and was promptly shoved out of the way by Katie. She grabbed Naomi in a vice like grip and shocked both of us by planting a kiss on her cheek.

"Don't fucking hurt her again you twat ok?" Naomi laughed and hugged her. It was the most wonderful sound in the world. Cook jumped on me, kissed my cheek and told me he knew it would all be ok.

That was it. We all partied for one final time before heading into the big bad world. Me and Naoms couldn't keep our hands off each other; we danced, kissed and touched each other all night.

That was a magical last night we all spent together. For me and Naomi it was a fresh start, a new beginning. We went back to her house when we'd finally staggered out of the shed. She said she'd never leave me and we made love all night, reconnecting out bodies. She cried like a baby when we'd finished and I realised just how fragile she really was and just how big a responsibility it was to hold her heart.

The flight to Goa is in 6 hours and we're sitting here in the departure lounge. Naomi's sitting playing with the DS I bought her and I'm writing everything down in this journal I've got to write our adventures in India down in. I look up every now and then and see her looking at me, the sparkle and cheek is back in her eyes and I never want to see them dull again.

We're closer than I thought we ever could be, she's even more open with me and we're always touching each other. Reassurance on both sides I guess. She even managed not to beat the shit out of Mandy when we bumped into her on the street in Bristol.

That's my girl. She'll always be my girl. Now and forever, since we were 12 years old.