It was a cold day on the planet Namek. Which as is common knowledge, is the home to the Namekians. The snow was as white as a polar bear's ass in a Hillary Clinton rally. Which as is common knowledge, is extremely white and politically correct. Which as is common knowledge, is the home to Vanilla Ice and Vladimir Putin's chihuahua, sergeant Barksworth. Which on any other day would be referred to as Gnarles Barkley. Then all of a sudden, a meteor comes crashing down towards the Namekian planet.
"That's no good." said Sanic. In that moment you can see Tails' pants begin to bulge as her erection becomes firm in her loins. You could tell Sanic was excited because he had that look in his eyes. If you looked close enough you could see little balls of fire ignite in sanic's pupils. Which as is common knowledge, indicative of a somewhat rapey vibe. Tails begun to stutter as Scooby whispers softly under his doggy breath "ruh-roh" only for tails to speak over him "lets get out of here Scoobs!" Though it was too late… Sanic had already taken all of his pre-workout and was ready to fuck up some cacti asshole. Which as is common knowledge, would soon lead to the extinction of the Master Cacti Race. The namekians, still nowhere to be seen, had all gone on vacation together to Fiji for the summer to soak some rays and catch some killer waves. Which as is common knowledge, do not actually kill people. Sanic, rubbing his eyes to put out the look he had from earlier, didnt even notice Tail's erection poking his shoulder. All four of his echidna penises. it was then that sanic finally opened his eyes and looked at scooby who had a terrified look in his eye and whispered just loud enough for scooby to hear "gotta go fast… bitch". Little did Sanic know, that one single Namekian child was left behind and witnessed EVERYTHING. Sanic took the erection in one tight fist and scooby by his tail in the other to fly towards the meteor at full speed.
"Not today!" Exclaimed the three heroes as the little Namekian boy who everyone loved and was extremely attractive and named Chad cheered them on. Chad was more erect than any other namekian child had ever been before, only spiderman could save him from this testosterone engulfing rage his pants had been filled with. Which as is common knowledge, is usually impossible considering Namekians lack genitalia. But before anyone could bat an eye, there he was, the crimson chin to save them all. Accompanied by his trusty sidekick, Kirito. Kirito had just gotten back from his recent furry convention in Nebraska where he and his lover jamaal, an avid kuroko no basuke and prince of tennis cosplayer, had just had their fourth child in the basement of the hotel they were staying at, the Gaylord Opryland hotel. (Look it up.)
"Look !" Said Kirito. 'it's the legendary hero of time, SANIC!" In that moment Crimson knew what he was sent there to do, what he was BORN to do. CC would have to make the ultimate sacrifice in order to assure Sanic's victory over the mean meteor. Crimson grabs kirito by his penis and swings him face first into the meteor, combusting on impact as he looks into the camera to break the fourth wall "my job here is done…" and flies off into the distance. Kirito could not believe what was happening, his best friend, his idol, his everything had just betrayed him. Sanic could believe it, "looks like Crimsons blasting off again.." whispered team rocket in the bushes behind chad. But Chad was also very intelligent and aware of his surroundings, he heard Team Rocket and quickly turned around to confront them. It was then that meowth proceeded to gouge his eyes out of their respective sockets. Which as is common knowledge, is the set up for his ultimate move. Chad's theme song begins to play in the background, nickelback's photograph as Chad's legendary sword begins to digivolve into its mega form."Katanamon digivolve to…. Katanarocketlaunchermon!" It was then that Chad revealed that he was indeed an animorph and turned into his true form, a dolphin. Meowth was so taken aback by this extravagant revelation that he dropped one of his gouged out eyes and begged James to help him find it. James was too busy reading his new book, makeout paradise written by the great Jiraiya sensei with foreword by acclaimed author, squidward tentacles, produced by Seth Macfarlane. Meowth, realizing that James was of no use turned to Jessie only to discover that she was nowhere to be seen. It turns out the Jessie was powdering her nose in the bathroom with her other female companions.
"Fuck!" Said Meowth, "let's get out of here!" But it was too late, Chad had already pounced. As Chad channeled his inner dolphinkin he had realized it was too late, the power of love had caused Kirito to absorb the meteor and become one with it, to transform into the unstoppable Mojo jo-jo the monkey genius. Sanic, Tails, Scooby, Chad, Meowth, and James all stared in aww, but not Jessie because she was too busy talking about girl stuff with her girl friends."This isnt even my final form" said Mojo jo-jo as he scratched his monkey behind only to gather a ball of shit under his fingernails that he would later use as projectile for attack.
"uh Oh,' Said Chad knowingly "looks like we will have to work together to stop the Evil Mojo jo-jo." And then just like that, the theme to space jam came on as Sanic looks toward Chad and says "No… its time to Slam, so welcome to the…" Sanic dashes forward and punches Mojo as he whispers "look at this photograph… everytime i do it makes me laugh- JAM!" But surprisingly Mojo was unaffected, not even Sanic's most powerful attack could leave a scratch on that handsome furry God. Scooby looked over at Sanic "R'ill call for back-up" as scooby called in the empire attack force "red-seven online, red-mango online, red-diahrrea online, big-red online, red power ranger online, Chad's brother online, led zeppelin online" as the attack force began to fly in from the south of the namekian desert. Everyone was really glad to see that backup had arrived when suddenly Chad's brother's ship began to descend, Chad knew that could only mean trouble. Good thing Chad's brother was actually Tyrese from fast and the furious and he screamed at the top of his lungs "Eject-o seat-o bitch!" and proceeded to eject himself into orbit without attaching a parachute. Chad gave his brave brother a salute and quickly ran over to where his ship had crashed… Luckily it was still intact. So he took the tires and ran while he still could. Later that day he sold it to his friend Greg for some serious hash and crack rocks, but not really crack rocks, just the kind that fizz when you put them on your tongue and make a crackling noise. Without Chad who would Sanic and his friends turn to, the dragons and Red air force were still on their way so they only had one person to turn to, the one person who had always had their back, the one person who they could always rely on when they needed, the one person who always cut their spaghetti, the one person who always put the toilet seat down when finished, the one person to always offer to put up gas money for their weed runs, that person was none other than, Skeletor.
Everyone was super relieved to see Skeletor, but not as relieved as they would have been had Chad not gone off to do more important things which they all understood required his wanted to defeat Mojo himself but his favorite disney channel show, sister sister was on and it required him to leave the scene immediately if he wanted to know what whacky situation the sisters got themselves into today.
"Wait Sanic!" Cried Skeletor. "Don't go, we need you… I need you…nyahh" Tails had reached out and rubbed his erection into skeletor's back as he whispered "learn how to hide your feelings" as skeletor looked deep into tails eyes' "heyeayeayeayea?" "heyeayeayeayea." replied Tails. It was then that Sanic had to make the hardest decision in his life, to stay here and fight with his friends or to make it home in time to watch Sister Sister. Mojo wasn't gonna wait for them to decide and brought out his ultimate weapon, his rhinestone fedora collection, the only weakness of skeletor.
"Nyahh!" Cried Skeletor "how could you have known!?"
"Because foolish skeletor…" as Mojo begun to remove his helmet only to reveal his true identity "I am your father…"
"Kevin Spacey!?" cried Tails.
"Nyahh! That's impossible… It can not be nyahh!" Retaliated Skeletor. But it was true. Everyone in the group could tell because both Kevin Spacey and Skeletor had the same handsome jaw line and immaculate hairline. It was then that Skeletor knew what he was meant to do all along, the ring his mother gave him as a child, that Christopher Walkin had stored up his asshole for so many years while a prisoner of war, began to glow a radiant purple light.
"Dad! Don't make me do this, nayh!" Skeletor yelled as he aimed the shiny purple ring at Kevin Spacey.
"I didnt make you do this son… you made yourself do it…" As Spacey transformed into his pterodactyl form, a form with the head of Kevin Spacey but the body of a pterodactyl and charged at Skeletor and friends "PYAHHH". Before Skeletor could shoot his purple load Spaceydactyl began to claw his eyes out. "NYAHHHHHH!" Screamed skeletor in pain. "PYAHHH" screamed back Spaceydactyl. There was nothing anyone could do but look on with tears welling in their eyes. Tails jawline begun to dislocate from biting down so hard with the image of applebees artichoke and cheese dip circling in his thoughts. For every punch Skeletor threw Spaceydactyl threw two… It was no hope.
Back on Earth Sanic was nowhere to be found, he had been watching nonstop reruns of sister sister and full house and whenever the sisters found themselves in a whacky situation whispering to himself "thats no good." The newest episode was about to air when suddenly Sanic's window shattered and Jon Travolta jumped through it and struck a dramatic batman pose. "Sanic, we have to go back!" yelled Jon Travolta as he threw his cape in dramatic fashion. "We need to see if we can make him bleed!" Sanic agreed. "Gotta go fast!" Jon Travolta yelled as he stuck out one arm and pretended to fly when in actuality all he was doing was running down the hallway of Sanic's apartment and towards the elevator.
Back on Namek the fight raged on. Spaceydactyl had Skeletor in a headlock, "Nyahhh, let go!" cried Skeletor. "Pyahhh, neverrr!" wailed out Spaceydactyl. When suddenly there was a loud boom from behind them and smoke filled the air. Out stepped none other than Jimmy Nuetron's best friend, Carl Finster, alongside Sanic and Jon Travolta with the stick of truth and sword of a thousand truths in each of Carl's hands.
"You're going down Spaceydactly and thats the truth and nothing but the truth!" exclaimed Carl as a pair of sunglasses begun to form over Carl's normal glasses. "The Truth?" inquired Spaceydactyl? 'YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH!" And the sword of a thousand truths flew out of Carl's hand and into Spaceydactyl's. Carl could feel his virginity levels increasing once again as the sword left his hand. "Pwoooooosh" whispered Jon Travolta as he stuck one fist in front of his face and pretended to fly towards Spaceydactly only to fall into a ravine and die.
"NOOOO!" screamed Sanic but it was too late, Sanic could see the life leave Travolta's eyes.
What will our heroes do now without Jon Travolta? How hard was that hash Chad scored? Will Skeletor ever be able to confess his love to Becky? Whats the weather like in Fiji? What is the deal with airline food? All of these questions will be answered next time, on the Sanic & Friends Variety Hour.