Hu-mean Centi-girls
"Four for you, Glen Coco. You go, Glen Coco.
I guess you could say that was the moment my life was transformed. I was no longer invisible to the world around me, I was popular, I was handsome, I was candy-worthy. And I knew, at that moment, that I was successful at hiding my sociopathic tendencies from the world around me. Four candy canes. Four. That was the number. That was the number of girls who I would transform into my hu-mean centi-girl. Regina, Karen, Gretchen and Cady.
I was naïve at the time, and the plan was not yet seamless. I tried to set it all up one afternoon, by stealing the school bus and running over that girl Regina, so that I could kidnap her from the hospital and attach her to the others. But it did not work, her hospital bed was too popular, and I couldn't sit with her because it was a Monday and I was wearing sweatpants. So I hatched my plan. And ten years, later, it happened. I succeeded.
It was a Wednesday, and on Wednesdays, they wore pink. And this made them so much easier to find in a crowd. The process was easy, I kidnapped them and turned them into the centipede. But I made one big mistake. Everything went wrong. I put Karen at the front.
"Is it raining?" was the first thing she asked as she came to.
"What?' I asked back.
"I asked if it's raining. Is rain a carb?" She looked at me, the girls attached behind were still unconscious.
"No..." where was my reaction? Why was the centigirl not bothered?
"Ew." She declared "why are the girls sewn to me?"
"Um... I turned you into a centipede"
"No you didn't" she responded.
"Yes I did."
"No you didn't."
"Um yes you're my human centipede."
"If we're an arthropod then we are we a vertebrate?"
"You can't just ask me why you're a vertebrate."
"Yes I can."
I left. I needed to breathe. This girl was annoying. She didn't seem to care about the whole centipede thing. She insisted that I go buy them a cute outfit in pink for them all to wear together. So I went to this shop, and I tried to buy her something, anything that would fit. But they only had sizes one, three and five, and Sears was so far away. It was a disaster. I returned with nothing.
"Where's my outfit?" she asked.
"I don't know. Can I get you anything, snacks? A condom?"
"No I want a pink outfit so we can look cute."
"You're too large"
"Was it the cake? I knew rainbows carried extra calories! Have the girls been on the Kalteen bars again?"
"What?" I was confused. This was not how I envisioned my masterplan unfolding.
"Can you take these off for me?"
"Take what off?"
"My hoop earrings. Regina will be mad."
I took her hoop earrings away from her. I had been planning this day for ten years, I wanted them to suffer. But Karen was just clueless and the other girls were just asleep. They were just lying there. So flat that I couldn't even see nipple, and it doesn't count if you don't see nipple. I gave Karen a hot dog to eat, but she just made out with it. Apparently it's a thing now. Even fetch is a thing these days. What is the world coming to?
She looked at me, judgmentally. "You smell like a baby prostitute."
"Excuse me? Um... rude!" I was so offended. No I did not smell like a baby prostitute!
"And you're gap-toothed. But that's not your fault. You can't help if if you've got wide-set teeth." I was getting quite self-conscious, did I need braces? I was too old now.
"Look, Karen. I don't know what to say, I sewed you up to these three girls. Your life is in severe danger and you should be in immense pain. Why are you acting so relaxed?"
"Oh, I know this is part of the movie." She said.
"What movie?" I asked.
"Well, I met Danny DeVito ten years ago and asked him if he'd hire me. I have a huge lesbian crush on his mum's chest hair."
"What...?"
She thought it was a Japanese car commercial. She thought she was a superstar. She told me how great it was to be with the girls again, and when I tried to convince her otherwise, she just would not accept it. She thought it was all scripted.
"I learned Swedish for the part because I know he's African!"
"But you're speaking english! Africa isn't Sweden or Japan!"
"Um no. There are two kinds of Swedish people in this world, those who speak Swedish and those who see Swedish things happen and don't try to stop it. I'm the second. I'm not a regular Swede, I'm a cool Swede."
"What are you talking about?" I was so annoyed.
"You know what'd be good for the commercial? British men! I think if you cut our hair we'd look like British men!"
"But British men aren't from Japan, Sweden, or Africa!" Her knowledge of Geography was terrible.
"Whatever. Can I get some creese fries?."
"No! You're my human centipede! It's Wednesday!"
"Ew. Well I just went to Barnes & Nobles and I think I have diarrhoea so can we get unattached now?"
With a sigh, I agreed. I un-sewed the girls from each other and returned them back home. I just wish we could all get along like we did in middle school. I wish we could just lose three pounds. I just wish that I could have one long centigirl. But I guess the world doesn't work like that.