So my blah mood made this come into creation in my mind today so I wrote it down and…tada! So yeah, reviews would be nice…
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the plot and piece of song lyrics.
She had never claimed to be perfect or anything extra special, even. When she looked in the mirror, the reflection wasn't a shockingly beautiful or even commonly pretty. For seventeen years she'd been stuck with the ordinary brown eyes and ordinary brown hair.
See him with her didn't help the glum thoughts any. Was it so wrong to feel jealous of the smile that lit up his face at the mention of her name? All she wanted was someone's face to light up that way when her name was mentioned.
Caitlyn sighed as her handwriting briskly moved across the page. It was thoughts like these that drove her to the familiar habit of writing lyrics and she was already on the second stanza without a pause for even a thought.
The innocence
Never thought it would grow
The blooming feelings
Never planned to show
Your smile, your voice
Keep me grinning all day
But this isn't just some game
Reading over her messy writing a moment, Caitlyn sighed and tore the paper out of her notebook before glancing up at the ceiling. It was hopeless. There was really no way to vent the feelings she was going through at the moment. Balling up the paper violently, she stood from her desk and let the pen slip through her finger to fall wherever it wanted.
There were moments, occasionally, that she was almost convinced he might be feeling something for her. They were brief and easily missed, but Caitlyn somehow managed to catch them-whether because of her observance or desperateness, she wasn't sure. She hated to think she was desperate, though…but that was the best way to describe it.
The cold floor on her bare feet broke her from her thought as she descended the stairs in the empty house. It was a dreary day that constantly threatened rain but only sporadic showers took place. It fit her mood perfectly.
The moments were fleeting, but definitely existed. Caitlyn only hoped she hadn't misinterpreted them. After all, the teasing, smiles at inside jokes, and catching each others eye when they knew what the other was thinking despite the room full of people…It meant something, didn't it?
When he spoke of her (as he had with all his girlfriends) to Caitlyn, Nate never seemed to fail to cast her a glance, inconspicuous usually. She never missed it and always tried to convince herself it was coincidence. They were friends…That was it.
But maybe she was reading into it too much. Nate seemed to not care for her approval and in fact tended to not talk about his girl much in front of her. Though, she doubted he was hiding anything from, probably just saw no reason to share any details or maybe it was just awkward because he didn't like to talk about his girlfriend with a girl.
All the strange feelings made their times alone feel extremely awkward for Caitlyn. If they sat next to each other, her mind didn't want to function straight. If there was a lull in their conversation, she couldn't seem to meet his eyes. When they joked around and laughed, Caitlyn felt some sort of connection that she feared he would never feel, too.
There wasn't any reason for them to not be more than friends. But maybe they just both were afraid of ruining a special friendship. Or were both shy. Or maybe Nate really didn't return her blooming feelings.
Either way, whether he felt something for her or not, Caitlyn always hit the bottom of her hopes when she was alone. If he wasn't around, her hopes and positive thoughts withered, and she felt cold and empty and just plain….ordinary.
People had sometimes told her she was special, talented-any guy would be lucky to have her. Caitlyn didn't see it. She didn't like looking in the mirror-she rarely felt anything but ordinary. She hated comparing herself to Nate's girls…she never came close.
Sometimes indignant feelings overflowed and Caitlyn felt bittern dislike for his current girlfriend. She felt strong, full of courage…that never lasted. It was fleeting and she found it only made the negative sting when it came flooding back. It was only her anger and fear trying to encourage her. It was the hurt trying to fight back.
It always ended up she only felt like entertainment. Like he didn't really care, she was just some toy to play with when his girlfriend wasn't around. As though he was just teasing her feelings and emotions when his girlfriend wasn't present. Caitlyn hated thinking that about him-she hated that it felt as thought that was what he was doing. He wouldn't do something like that…would he?
Her mind was so confused, her thoughts so tangled in goods and bad, positive and negative, yes and no, up and down…Caitlyn just wanted to simple answer. Did he care for her that way or not? The question was simple, but not the answer. She wouldn't ask, she would stays silent for she feared getting any more hurt and broken then she already was again and again.
The answer seemed so obvious. "Yes" was the answer that so often seemed to scream at her. They way he kept close by, literally at times, and those short moments that only they shared-even in a crowded room- all pointed to what seemed, the obvious answer.
But the "no" rang so much louder in her mind. He wasn't dating her. He hadn't even implied that he wanted to, or thought of her as anything more than a friend. Nate always seemed to have a girlfriend, and Caitlyn wondered if she had a boyfriend if she would be able to tell the answer by whether or not he was jealous.
Caitlyn returned to her bedroom and shut the door softly behind her and leaned on it, eyes fixed on the crumpled piece of paper in her trash can. That song wouldn't come out just the way she wanted, but it could help relieve her of the pain she felt inside.
She picked up her pencil and smoothed out the paper on her desk, staring at it a moment before continuing her writing. Such a comforting habit it was, always her fallback when she went through times like this-they were becoming more and more frequent recently.
Caitlyn felt so ordinary. Every day she leaned more and more towards closing her heart up and not letting herself hope. She was ordinary; he didn't care for her like that. Even if it seemed obvious that he did.
He couldn't. She was ordinary.
Yes, this is the end. For realz. The end. It's supposed to end gloomy like that…because my mood was gloomy.