Paige sat alone in the kitchen, sipping aimlessly at her coffee. She was unaware of anything around her.
Her mind couldn't think of anything else but him, as usual. He took up most of her thoughts and then during the times when she wasn't thinking about him, he took up her dreams too.
She hated him for the way he'd left, the way he'd accepted it… but no, she didn't.
She didn't hate him at all.
She hated herself, she hated herself for giving up, for failing him when he was alive and then for letting him go without a fight. She sighed and rested her head in her hands.
It had been weeks since she'd actually had a good night's sleep. She'd become some kind of insomniac, too scared to go to sleep, to scared to be flooded by the dreams and memories of what was.
She couldn't face it, what it was, was perfect and now it was just a distant memory of something that would never be.
She felt like screaming, or breaking down into tears, both a regular action nowadays. But she couldn't just break down now; she couldn't show anyone that kind of weakness, mostly she wanted to stay strong for herself – she never broke down.
Paige was so deep in thought she was totally unaware of Phoebe entering the kitchen.
"Morning Paige" Phoebe said, grabbing a mug of coffee.
Paige made a small noise, still staring into the depths of the coffee.
"Sweetie, are you okay?" Phoebe asked gently.
No. No I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for the past month. I will never be okay with the fact that I lost the love of my life to something I desperately wanted to believe was good, even though I didn't really lose him.
And that's what made it worse.
He wasn't dead, that would make things much easier.
If he was she could just accept that, and eventually move on but now, now she knew he was still out there, alive, but she still couldn't be with him.
She'd spend the rest of her life knowing he's still out there.
She took a deep breathe, no-one should wish their boyfriend was dead just so they can move on. She felt angry at herself. Of course she didn't wish he was dead, he didn't deserve to die after all he'd been living for, everything he'd fought for with such passion. She just wished she could be with him.
Phoebe was still looking at her intently. Paige could feel her brown eyes boring into her.
Of course, she could tell Phoebe, she could tell her about all the pain, all the lonely nights she'd cried herself to sleep wishing he was there…
But she wouldn't.
She wouldn't allow herself to talk about it, not with her sisters. It was something she'd keep locked up forever if she had to.
And anyway her sisters had assumed she'd moved on.
Well maybe they could, after all they were used to such deaths and although Paige had been a witch for three years now and she had lost innocents, he was more than just an innocent and she hadn't just lost him – she had failed him.
She could have listened to him.
She could have believed him.
She could have saved him. She should have saved him.
But she'd just been thinking about herself. About how Utopia would affect her and her sisters.
She felt tears stinging alarmingly in her eyes... No way was she about to cry.
"I'm fine" she said quickly, letting go of her coffee. "Tired… just tired… I'm gonna go get some rest" she said all in one breathe, determined to escape the suspicious glances from Phoebe, desperate to get away from everyone. She left a confused and startled Phoebe alone.
Paige allowed herself to break down in the safety of her room. Tears came streaming freely. All the emotions knotted up inside her let loose.
"I'm sorry..."
Were the only words she could whisper, though they didn't sum up half the things she wanted to say,or half the emotions she felt inside...