Author's notes: If you think it's unthinkable that a GH fan of two months wants to attempt a fic, then either tread lightly or skip this one. I'm doing the best I can because my muse won't shut up at night. The italicized parts are flashbacks.
Legal B.S. (aka Alexis notes): GH, Skye Chandler-Quartermaine, Jasper Jacks and the whole lot are owned by ABC. (Yea, don't I wish I owned Jax, LOL.) Song quoted is "Nothing Compares", by the phenomenal Sinead O'Connor. This bit of mushy, angsty prose is mine and that's all I own (for what it's worth).
Shattered
"It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away..."
Skye hated that song. It was an old song, so she knew it wasn't meant specifically for her, but it seemed to be mocking her. Annoyed, she shut the radio off. But the lyrics still paraded through her mind. Reminding her of what she'd lost.
Of who she'd lost.
And how her life had fallen apart.
The house seemed so empty with only her in it. There were times she couldn't bear to even be at home. Especially at night.
She'd taken to working nights so she could get through them. It was nice at times. Quiet, peaceful. Edward wasn't there to grumble at her and suspect she was up to some sly trick, so she could get more done instead of wasting time taking the bait for his excuses for little arguments. Of course, until recently, he used her working at night as another excuse to pick at her more. But she ignored him, and finally he'd thrown up his hands in exasperation and let her continue her routine. At times, he even grudgingly left her some file to look through so she could work on it through the night and leave it for him in the morning to complete or approve. Therefore, by the time she got home at dawn, she was too tired to do anything but change clothes, shut the blinds to block out the sun and crawl into bed.
A.J. had been the only one she would confide in as to why she'd adopted this routine. It was up to everyone else to guess, though most already had.
She rarely went out anymore, and only when it was necessary, which was rarely. And no one dared suggest that she look into dating. Even Edward knew better than to think that aloud.
The one man she wanted was gone from her life. And she would have no replacements for him.
Skye's gaze drifted to the little clock on her desk. 2:53 a.m. She went to sit back and felt the need to stretch. Definitely time for a break.
The stretching only took a few moments, and refilling her coffee mug another minute. She returned to her chair, but wasn't ready to go back to the figures Edward had left her. Instead, her fingers drifted down to the handle of the second drawer. She slid it open a couple of inches, just enough room for her hand to reach in for what she wanted.
She didn't know why she kept the photograph here, hidden away in her desk. Why she didn't keep it at home where it would be easier to hide it. But she'd always felt it was easy to hide it here. Here, there was less chance of her having an opportunity to see it. Only within the space of ten hours, and many times she was so busy she forgot about it.
And then there were nights like now. When time seemed to drag and she felt the need to gaze into those eyes, even if the eyes looking back at her were only photographic ones.
Skye traced her fingertips over the glass protecting the photo. Over and over, in the same pattern, not even realizing she was doing it. Too absorbed in the heartache that had managed to creep up on her yet again.
"I'm sorry, Jax," she whispered in the silence. "So sorry I drove you away."
It hadn't been an intentional move to drive him away. It had been an accident; an unthinkable tragedy that sent Skye spiraling into dark depression and not wanting to come out of it. And by the time she realized what damage it was doing to Jax and their relationship, it was too late for her to repair it.
It had begun as a miracle, a sign that maybe happiness wasn't beyond her grasp after all. She had Jax, they had their love. And then...
"I think I might be pregnant."
Alan Quartermaine looked up at his daughter. "Are you certain?" He knew about Skye's medical history. "Not that I want to break down your hopes..."
"I know, Dad. But that's why I came here. To find out if it's something else or if...if I'm right." The last three words were a murmur, a hopeful tone.
And the blood tests proved she had been right. Her only regret was that Jax hadn't been there to hear the news right away as well.
"You're not going to call him?" Alan questioned as he walked her towards the main entrance.
"Tell him something this important over the phone? He should get to find out in person. Besides, he'll be home tomorrow evening. That's enough time for me to...plan a surprise." She smiled faintly.
By late afternoon of the next day, Skye had almost everything she needed. Her older neighbor, Lily Dawson, who was a retired cook, came over to help her make dinner. She straightened up the house on her own, knowing there was no time to get someone else to do it on this short of notice. Besides, the house wasn't that much of a mess.
Now everything was where it was supposed to be, the table was set, she was ready, and Eowyn, their Himalayan, rested across the back of the dark green couch, purring quietly, eyes as blue as Jax's following her steps around the front room and kitchen.
She'd forgotten the wine.
Damn it, now I have to see how fast I can walk to the corner store. Skye sighed and grabbed her purse long enough to dig a twenty-dollar bill out, then snagged her house key and headed out the door. At least everything else was ready, thanks to Lily and her kitchen wizardry. Skye mentally reminded herself to let her kind neighbor have her pick of a dozen roses off the bushes in the backyard. Hell, she can uproot a whole bush and replant it in her garden if she wants. Not like we don't have more than enough to go around.
While she was gone, Jax arrived home to an empty house. He was surprised, expecting Skye to pounce on him the second he put a foot through the door. But Eowyn was the only one to greet him, though she purred mightily and wound around and around his feet until he shooed her away so he could shut the door. Setting his bag next to the couch, he lifted the Himalayan into his arms.
"Where's Skye, hmm?" he asked the cat, who mrewed and touched a paw to his cheek. "Is she hiding somewhere?" A grin crept onto his face and he leaned the cat closer to his face, letting her rub her nose against his. "Are you two up to something?"
Eowyn purred like a motorboat on full speed but said nothing.
Ten minutes. Another five and she'd be home. Jax wasn't expected back for another half hour. She'd probably have time to put the bottle on ice and let it get somewhat chilled before he came in the door.
Skye hummed under her breath as she glanced both ways before crossing the street. Her stride returning was quicker than before as the thought that Jax might get home early occurred to her. Another quick glance and she prepared to cross the second street that would get her home. She wasn't aware of the car that suddenly sped around the corner two seconds after she'd looked at a clear street, whose driver had paid no attention to the fact that she was there until he was nearly on top of her. Someone else in the car screamed at the driver and Skye tried to dart out of the way, but couldn't move fast enough. The impact, even slight, sent her tumbling. The bottle slipped from her hands, shattering instantly and she landed on top of the broken glass, only aware of the pain tearing through her before darkness claimed her.
Jax checked the kitchen first, which he noticed was set up for dinner. Peeking into the oven, he discovered the covered dishes. So she'd made or ordered dinner; therefore she had to be home. Didn't she? He carried Eowyn with him up and down the stairs and in and out of all seven rooms and the basement. No Skye.
"Where in hell did she get to?" he mumbled to himself. He glanced over at the keyhooks and saw that her house key was gone. Only seconds later did the sound of shattering glass and the screech of tires outside catch his attention. The sounds, even distant, were enough to startle Eowyn and she squirmed out of Jax's grip, zooming to hide behind the couch. As the Himalayan fled, a horrible thought crossed his mind. It couldn't have been...
He dashed out the door and hurried down the sidewalk towards the street. He saw the car was white and breathed a momentary sigh of relief before his eyes landed on the slumped figure in the middle of the road, surrounded by shattered glass and blood.
"Skye!"
The ICU waiting room at GH, normally empty, was crowded with Quartermaines as everyone waited for Alan to come and tell them what Skye's fate would be.
Aside from Jax, A.J. and Courtney had been the first to arrive. Lila had demanded Edward bring her. Even a reluctant Ned was there, dragged by Kristina. Other non-family visitors, including Alexis, came and went. Finally, Alan emerged, calling Jax aside first.
"She'll live. But emotionally..." Alan shook his head. "Only time will tell that." He hesitated, not sure if he should break the news about the loss of the unborn child now or not but the ICU nurse ended up doing it for him the second they stepped into Skye's room.
"She's been stabilized, cast set on her arm," the nurse explained. "And we've got a unit of blood on her to make up for that lost from the miscarriage."
Jax blinked. "Miscarriage?"
The nurse looked at him and started to say something, but Alan shot her a sharp look and she remained silent as she passed him Skye's charts and left the room. Once she was gone, Alan met Jax's demanding, stricken gaze. "We only did the blood tests yesterday to determine the pregnancy. She was not going to keep it secret from you. Since you were returning from New York today, she felt it would be more proper to tell you in person when you arrived home." He looked as if he wanted to say more, then sighed and shook his head.
Jax nodded numbly; Alan's explanation made sense. Stricken blue eyes drifted towards Skye's pale face. It was then that he noticed her eyes were open. Just barely, but she was awake. He moved to her side.
"Jax..."
"Shh," he told her, his fingers drifting to brush back tangled auburn hair. He fought the urge to let tears escape, wanting to be strong...for her. He wanted to comfort her, but didn't know what to say. All the typical words weren't fitting for this situation.
Skye blinked. Even that seemed to take great effort. She could feel a dull ache in her head and arm, and a hollowness somewhere within. Shifting her eyes made her notice the cast on her arm, the IV in her other arm and her father standing silently at the foot of her bed. "Daddy..."
He had to tell her. But he held back. He had to...but how could he devastate her more than she already had been? Alan paused, wondering for a moment if Jax should tell her and not him, since it had been his child that had been lost. But in that moment, Skye realized what he was holding back, realized what the hollow feeling inside was. Her eyes flickered between her father and her husband for a long moment before focusing back on Alan. "I didn't...tell me...I didn't..."
Jax remained silent but the look in his eyes said it all. Alan met Skye's gaze for a long moment and the look gave her the answer she was dreading. "No..." Her voice wavered and cracked.
Jax took her into his arms carefully, mindful of the cast and IV. As she cried into his chest, he pressed his face against her hair and struggled not to break down, though silent tears escaped. Neither was aware of when Alan left the room to give them time alone, carefully closing the door behind him.
"I-wanted-t-to-surprise you," she whispered brokenly some long minutes later. "If only-I-h-hadn't-g-gone out..."
"Shh...don't blame yourself, Skye. I will not have you blaming yourself for this."
She sighed shakily and lifted her head to meet his eyes, finally seeing his tears. The only comforting words that came to his mind would be no good. She'd told him about the accident that had scarred her internally a few months before their marriage. He knew it was a lucky shot that she had conceived at all. And he could see in her eyes that she blamed herself for that too, despite the fact that it had been so long ago.
"All my fault..."
"Shhh." He kissed her hair and cradled her against him. "We'll get through this, Skye. I know it doesn't seem possible now, but we will..."
The accident and the miscarriage had only been the start of it. Jax didn't blame Skye, but Skye ended up blaming herself.
After the first month had passed by, Lila had a small headstone set up in the Quartermaine plot at the cemetery, even though there hadn't been a funeral for the lost baby. Edward briefly complained to his wife about the point of the headstone and she bluntly told him it was to help Skye with her grief.
The only problem was Skye refused to go to the cemetery. In fact, she went, to all appearances, totally numb. Time went by and her injuries from the accident healed, but not her spirit. After three months had passed, nearly everyone hoped Skye might start to return to some shadow of her old self. Alan's main concern was for Skye's state of mind. Edward, as usual, tossed his hands in the air and grumbled over it when Lila wasn't in earshot, to avoid her scolding. It was Ned who finally made the blunt comment that irritated A.J., but shut Edward up. "Grandfather, you know Skye loves attention, so let her behave how she wants until she gets tired of it. Trust me, eventually she will and she'll go back to her old bratty self."
A.J. glowered daggers at his cousin. "Can you be any more sarcastic, Ned?"
"Stop defending your sister's dramatics," Edward grumbled. "It gets old."
A.J.'s glare, accompanied by Courtney's, spun towards the Quartermaine patriarch and Courtney looked prepared to say something, but Ned beat her to it. "Of course, I can understand what she's going through, but it's apparent that some of us cannot, since you have no feelings to speak of, Grandfather. And if you do, then bravo...because you've certainly fooled me."
Edward gaped, as did Courtney at Ned's complete turnaround. A.J. was surprised too, though he found himself suppressing the urge to snicker. Courtney finally shook her head, not sure whether to think Ned meant what he said while Edward glared at his grandson and mumbled under his breath for a few moments. Ned ignored Edward and turned to look at A.J. "How is she anyway? Last time Kristina and I stopped by, she wouldn't talk to either of us; ust stared blankly at Kristina or at that cat."
"About the same. She'll talk to me a little, but not much..."
Skye looked at Eowyn, who purred softly, squeezing her eyes closed. She sighed and closed her own eyes. There was something she wanted to do, but couldn't quite recall. Jax had needed a nap and she had assured him she would be fine, sitting down here with the cat and resting. He didn't need her tossing and turning to disturb his sleep.
Finally, she decided to go for a walk. She idly scribbled a note and went upstairs to leave it on her pillow so Jax wouldn't miss it, then picked up her keys and headed outside.
It was a gray day in Port Charles, the overcast sky heavy with angry looking clouds. As Skye walked, not going any particular direction, she wondered why everything looked so different. When she'd been out last, the leaves hadn't been blowing off the trees...
A distant screech of tires made her jump, heart pounding. She looked around nervously, but there were only parked cars on the sides of the streets, none driving by. She drew the sweater she'd grabbed, one of Jax's, tighter around her as she walked.
Her wandering eventually led her to the gates of the cemetery and she paused, unsure she should set foot within. A faint rumbling of thunder overhead seemed to be a warning, but she ventured past the wrought iron gates anyway, heading for the Quartermaine plot in the back.
Jax was awakened by the rumble of thunder outside. He blinked and the first thing he noticed was how much darker it was. Eowyn hopped on the bed, and stepped on Skye's note, drawing his attention to it. He skimmed it, his concern growing. A glance at the clock proved he'd been asleep for five hours. How long had she been gone? He paused only to grab shoes and his coat and keys before heading out in search of Skye.
Skye stepped carefully around the many headstones as she wound her way to the rear of the cemetery and her family's plot. Finally, she reached it, hollowed eyes searching the inscriptions. Ancestors she'd never heard of. Edward's mother and father.
Then her eyes landed on it-much smaller than the others. Slowly, she moved towards it and knelt before it, brushing away the leaves that had fallen on top of it in order to read the inscription below the etching of the sleeping kitten.
Jaedyn Kearra Quartermaine-Jacks.
Gone, but never forgotten...the angels hold her in their keeping.
She traced her fingers over the engraved words, trying to fight the tears that had built in her eyes and finally gave up.
During his short search, Jax had called A.J., the hospital, Ned, Lila and even Alexis. No one had seen her. He didn't think to check the cemetery until he was passing by it, stopping abruptly when the idea hit him.
She couldn't have come here-she's been avoiding the thought of it. He locked the car door and pushed open the gates, squinting in the dim light as he wound his way through the headstones. Thunder boomed above before he felt the first scattering of rain and he increased the pace of his stride, then stopped short when he saw her. She had come here. Relief shuddered through him as he moved to where she knelt before their daughter's headstone. Without a word, he took her into his arms, despite her brief struggle. The rain started to fall, but neither noticed. He held her, letting her express her grief as she cried for the first time since the day it had happened. When the rain grew to be too much, he lifted Skye into his arms and carried her to the car.
Skye blinked abruptly and looked at the clock. 3:48 am. Had she really been staring at Jax's picture for that long? She rubbed her eyes wearily. It had been the memories overcoming her again. She hadn't allowed that to happen in a long time. Normally, it was easy to take a long look at the picture, then put it away, and the memories with it.
"I know I'll never get you out of my heart," she whispered to those eyes. "I should just stop trying and live with the consequences of my actions." *But I can't...I want to find some way to repair what I've ruined. If only I knew how.*
The seasons were changing, back to autumn. Leaves were once more drifting down, blanketing lawns, sidewalks and cars in red, gold and tawny brown that matched Skye's hair. She shook off a stubborn one that clung to her dark blue sweater as she headed up the walk to the Quartermaine mansion, carrying a stack of file folders in her arms. Edward had been away from the ELQ offices for a week with a nasty bronchial infection. Since he was recovering, but Lila refused to allow him to return to the offices until Alan proclaimed him fit, Skye was stopping in to deliver the files, knowing he was well enough to read paperwork, at least.
"Lord knows I can save Grandmother from his constant complaining for a few hours," she remarked to Alice, Lila's maid, when she saw her in the foyer. The heavyset woman nodded and rolled her eyes, an indication that Edward was nearby harping on about not being able to work, as she walked with Skye to the living room. "Let me guess...if he doesn't get back to the office soon, he's going to think ELQ will..."
"...fall to pieces!" Edward complained to a bored-looking Monica. "In her state of mind..." He saw Skye standing in the doorway and grumbled, quieting almost immediately.
"Hello to you too, Grandfather," Skye said dryly. "Thought I'd save you from boredom." She set the files on the coffee table in front of him, then turned to leave without another word.
"Where do you think you're going?" Edward demanded.
"Home, so I can be alone," Skye flung over her shoulder without thinking.
"Alone...you're turning into a recluse, young lady! You and that dust mop you call a pet!" He ignored Skye's glower when she stopped to give him one. "I've had it with your moping around anyway; you screwed it up with Jax and he left. Either go find him in that godforsaken homeland of his or get over him, but either way, stop sulking 24/7!" The rest of his tirade was cut off by a round of coughing and Skye left before he could finish his speech.
Once she was outside, crunching through the leaves scattered across the walk, Edward's last words suddenly made her pause. She hated to admit it, but he had a point-it was her fault Jax had left. But if she tried to find him, would he even take her back? Would he forgive her?
She drove home in deep thought, and entered the house without really thinking about it. Perching on the edge of the couch, she sighed and looked to Eowyn, who stretched, yawned and meowed a greeting. Even the cat was a reminder of the day it had finally come to an end...
"Skye, will you talk to me? Please?"
Skye remained silent, staring down at Eowyn as the cat slept. The Himalayan was so peaceful. A cat's life was never turmoil if it had a home and someone to care for it. She sighed wistfully and reached out to stroke the soft ears.
But Jax caught her hand before it could reach Eowyn's fur. "Me, Skye," he insisted gently. "Look at me."
She sighed again and finally did as he demanded, lifting her gaze up to his. They looked at one another for a long minute before he reached out with his free hand in an attempt to touch her cheek. She shrank back from the touch and tried unsuccessfully to pull her fingers out of his grip.
But Jax refused to let go. "Why are you doing this?"
"What?" Her own voice sounded odd to her ears.
"You know what I mean, Skye. Pushing me away. Shutting yourself off from me, A.J., the rest of your family..."
"No one ever cared about me before, why would they now?" she muttered to herself, not caring if he heard.
"You know that isn't true, especially not with A.J. You once said he was the only person who knew the real you and still loved you. Now how can you lump him in with the rest?"
Skye didn't answer, falling silent again.
"And you damn well know that isn't true with me. Talk to me, Skye. Don't keep closing yourself off from me." When she refused to look at him or say anything, he caught her chin in his other hand, turning her face so she had to meet his eyes. His gaze had turned slightly stern. "You can't let the guilt keep eating at you. It's been months now..."
"So you expect me to forget anything happened?" A hint of strain was in her voice.
"Of course not. But you can't go on like this forever..."
"I didn't know there was a set time for mourning," she snapped.
"There isn't," he said in exasperation. He paused and forced himself not to snap back. "I just don't like seeing you like this day in and day out, Skye. Wallowing in misery isn't going to bring Jaedyn back, no matter how much you or I wish it."
"Then what do you want of me, Jax?"
Jax sighed. She seemed determined to fight him. "I want the Skye I fell in love with back. The strong, spirited woman who let nothing drag her down." She met his gaze at that comment and, feeling encouraged, he took her hands in his.
"Well, I'm sorry if I can't live up to your high expectations, Jax. People change." He started to protest but she continued before he could. "And apparently the death of our child is affecting me a lot more than it has you."
"How can you say that?"
"Seems pretty obvious to me that I'm the only one who's upset by it."
"I can't believe you would suggest such a thing, Skye." Jax was aghast. "When I've been the one holding you up all this time. Half of your family's given up on you..."
"That's nothing new."
"And those who haven't, like A.J., are starting to wonder about your state of mind..."
"Are you accusing me of being mentally disturbed?" Her voice was cold with anger.
"Absolutely not. We're all just concerned about you..."
"Well I've had enough 'concern' from everyone. I'd just like to be left alone from now on."
"Skye..."
"That includes you, Jax."
Shock flashed in his eyes first, then anger. But his tone was still calm when he replied, "If that's the way you want it, Skye," before rising from the couch and leaving her sitting there.
He hadn't left that night. It had been a week or so after a week of silence and, at times, ignoring each other. When he'd sat her down for the talk, she had a suspicion she knew what he was going to say. And she'd been right.
"I'm not going to fight with you, Skye. We've done that enough in the past. But it's apparent we need this time apart and I won't disrupt you by making you move out." He paused, wondering if she'd say anything. But she remained silent, so he continued. "I'll be going back home to Australia, so at least you'll know where I am. If you decide you never want me to come back, then I'll have to live with that. But if you change your mind...I'm willing to try again."
Two days later, he was gone...
Edward's words, and the memory of her fight with Jax, stuck with her for the next several days. Skye became distracted, and sometimes confused. She would be wandering around the house and then forget why or where she was going. Her work was still organized but she had taken to leaving the photo of Jax out on her desk when she was there and every so often, pausing to hold it.
I risked everything once before...and I finally found what I wanted most. Do I even dare risking again to try and get back what I lost?
She wanted to ask someone's advice but she didn't even trust A.J.'s opinion on whether or not she should do this. This was something she knew she had to decide on her own.
Skye pushed open the gate and traced a familiar path to the rear of the cemetery. She'd been coming here frequently in the past three weeks. In one hand were some of the last of the azaleas Lily had helped her prune out of the backyard garden. She knelt next to Jaedyn's grave, automatically shoving away the leaves that had fallen across the stone, and placing the azaleas there instead. She traced her fingers over the engraved words and allowed a few tears to escape.
"What do you think, little one?" she said softly. "Should I do what I have in mind or forget about it?"
There was no answer of course, but Skye crouched there in the silence for a long time before she finally touched Jaedyn's name a final time and rose to her feet.
"A.J., I need you and Courtney to watch Eowyn and check on the house. I'm...going away for awhile."
"If you're sure..."
"Yes, I'm sure. Would I be asking you to catsit if I wasn't?"
"Skye, you know we're just worried about you."
"I know. But I am fine...really. I just need out of Port Charles for awhile."
"Anywhere in particular you're going?"
"Sydney."
A pause. "How long will you be gone?"
"I don't know..."
"'Cause nothing compares,
Nothing compares to you."
Everything had been arranged, from A.J. watching the house and the cat to informing Edward she was taking an extended vacation. Now Skye sat silently in her seat on the plane, ignoring the noise of other passengers getting settled. She automatically listened to the safety briefings, but didn't really pay much attention to them. She knew the drill. Her mind was focused elsewhere.
She had her hotel reservations in Sydney. Courtney had lent her a few books for the eighteen hour flight. Now all she had left to do was hope this trip wouldn't be for naught.
She settled back, her eyes fastened to the landscape passing by as the plane picked up speed down JFK's runway, preparing to take off.
The past be damned, Jax. I'm coming to find you...to try to make things right again...
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