Hiya,
First crossover, first Konosuba story, first Saitama story (yeah, just wanted you to know I do know his name). First fanfic I translate too (and that was hard as hell). That's a lot a firsts.
I didn't read the light novels, nor the OPM manga beyond the chapters that were out when I first heard about it (which was before the anime went out so it didn't go further). So, yeah, anime-based only. Not related to any precise timeline.

Now, the translation job was a drag, unsatisfying and longer than the writing of the story itself. If you happen to know French and have some good suggestions regarding the translation, I'd be glad if you sent me an e-mail. It may take some time, but I'll adress them eventually. Probably.

DARKNESS PUNCH

I don't know how it came to be, but today, something wonderful finally happened. I assure you, it really did.

I know that in this world, nothing ever goes just according to plan, there is always some kind of backfire that will stab you in the back – you know what I mean? Saved the city? you pay for the wall. Smashed a Horcrux? Go to jail, do not collect twenty thousand gold. In this world, people have even found the way to poison your life with soap!
But this time, none of this crap. I know the price I pay and it's worth what I get. Yes, I can feel it, my luck is beginning to change. From now on life will simply get… simpler.

So it began, this morning, with an analytical review of the quest system established by the guild in this failure of a world. Some table talk of rare quality:
"… and a twelve hundred gold fine for a lame potion! Just a potion, not even equipment: the most basic magical item any adventurer would have! Since when do we have to graciously give away our drops to the guild's greedy shops? When I started… "

This exercice (I was rather quite good at) raised some moderate interest among the reste of my group. Darkness, looking jaded, was staring at the guild's desk, almost vacant at such an early hour. The Archwizard Megumin somehow managed to display a distrustful expression as she stuffed herself. As if she thought I'd ever pay all by myself for that potion we had looted as a group, and was about to defend tooth and nail this ludicrous proposition! As for Aqua… I'd rather not dive into detail, you all get the idea.

Suddenly, Darkness showed a sign of interest. She looked up, seemed suprised and listened even less than before (if it was possible) to whatever I was rambling on about the dishonest clauses in the very small print at the bottom of the mission contract and the quite misleading jargon in which they were written. As Aqua and Megumin began to glance too towards the desk, I turned around reluctantly.
Well, I concede, this was not your average guy.

I can't say if it was the red gloved, shining as if they had freshly been bought in the household section of a speciality shop, the chrome dome, the yellow coveralls or the bedsheets-made cape… but the guy who was speaking with Luna kinda felt out of place. He was not from these parts, only an utter airhead wouldn't have had that one figured out from the way everyone else was just staring at hum.
Yet something about him just felt… weird. I couldn't pinpoint exaclty what it was. I tried drawing Aqua's attention with a discreet wink.

I tried drawing Aqua's attention with another slightly less discreet wink.

I got up, walked my way around the table and Darkness and leaned down to whisper into Aqua's ear:

"Say, Aqua, that guy… he does look a bit odd in this place, however… maybe he died during a Comicon? "
Even this explanation sounded fishy. A tracksuit is one thing, until you can get ahold of something better; but not unhooking some piece of white canvas and just carrying some superhero cosplay around instead, that was a bit too much.
Well, whatever. After all, maybe some people, when entering some fantasy world with some overpowered skill, saw their brand new life as a good old LARP meeting?

Before Aqua could answer that she had no idea, the stranger, who was squeezing a pretty pissed off fist, shouted:

"But I don't care about your quests and your card! Just tell me where to find this Demon King guy already! "

Maybe it was because he was bald, or because of his clenched jaw, or because the veins on his skull that were jutting out – anyways, at this very moment, I decided to call him "Super Mr. Clean ". That would help me keep a clear head in case I ever popped up on his radar.

Poor little Luna, she was melting down. It really wasn't the first time she had to deal with some angry adventurer, or even threatening ones, but there, it had escalated a bit too quickly for her. Well, that was none of my buisness. I was not so idiot as to pick a fight with some screwball I knew nothing about. No rational, normal person, or anyone endowed with any kind of functional self-preservation would ever have the idea of meddling in that.
Do you see what I'm getting at?

"You, there, baldy! Stop terrorizing this innocent receptionist! "

It was already too late when I understood.Lady Lalatina, justice-loving crusader, was in a knightly fashion walking on Super Mr. Clean.
I instantly knew that that was it. I should have known from the very first glance, from the stranger's unusal look. What kind of complete fool would cling on their lame cosplay of some obscure comic book in a fantasy setting anyway? Provided that the newcomer was all fresh, things could turn much worse…

This is the moment Aqua chose to answer my question. She said that the stranger was wearing clothes that would e unusual in Japan, which I was well aware of. Such a useless goddess.

Much to my surprise, the incident didn't degenerate. No brawl in the guild hall. No prison sentence, no public execution. No prosecution, no exclusion from the adventurer's club.
No. After a brief silence, the man granted that Darkness was right and apologized in a few words to Luna, who accepted very professionally. Very polite and courteous, pretty much easy-going. A bit bland, in fact.
If you think that deep down, I felt somehow disappointed, here is an official denial. I hope you are satisfied.

Once Darkness had left, S.M.P. told Luna :
"Keep the card if you like. I guess this Demon King will have to wait. Would you know how to find the money I'd need to pay for a hotel room? "
Definitely Japanese. Fresh newcommer. And enthusiastic, it seemed, despite a constant bored look. Break a leg, comrade.

We continued eating our breakfast with a few short comments on the incident. Megumin branded the man a mysterious caped fellow, Darkness said he was "cowardly yet reasonable ", Aqua called him a dumbhead and I said he was a freak.
Turns out we were all right, safe one of us. Indeed, it was not long before any suspicion of cowardness was denied. We were just done eating, the man had finished studying the quest panel, and he said with a reserved drawl at the reception:

"Excuse me…
– Yes?
– Can I sign up for every quest?
– I beg your pardon, sir?
– Every quest. Got nothin' better to do. "

Luna seemed embarrassed, like someone who'd be about to explain to a grown-up that it is not possible to ge to the moon just by jumping really high. The forward, naive way in which he had asked the question made Megumin and Aqua chuckle. Well, Megumin chuckled; as for Aqua, she quickly finished her final mouthful and instantly bursted out:

"Ha ha ha! Did ya see that noob who thinks he can do S-classed quests from his very first day as an adventurer? Pff! He's jerking people around! "

Ah. Thanks Aqua. I'm sure the very nice baldy who's been established to be short-tempered at times won't char you on spot with a stink eye.
Hey, here we go. A good old scary mug. Coming with an iron-hard voice shouting "Shut up! " in the most threatening, deadly-sounding way possible. Yup, a bloody pissed off skinhead mug. I'd lie if I said I didn't enjoy, in spite of everything, seeing Aqua's smirk melting away. The backlash? she found a way to parry.

As fast as a mouse, she slipped behind me and challenged the S.M.C. forthwith:

"I bet a hundred thousand gold you can't! A hundred thousand! "

For someone who had just, for no reason at all, managed to achieve a most idiotic feat, Aqua looked pretty triumphant.

At the desk, a brief conversation took place:

"A hundred thousand, is that a lot of money?
– It is a small fortune indeed. "

Meanwhile Aqua was getting impatient. "Ain't that nut enough, egghead? What about TWO hundrmff… "

Now, I must congratulate myself for my quick wit and my adventurer's instinct. A timely hand cut Aqua's second bid off, for it was twice as stupid and useless as the first one. The goddess of morons could struggle all day long, I would not let her end this sentence for anything in this shitty word.

S.M.C. gave us a long, blasé look before saying: " Deal."
And then he walked to the exit.
I was speechless.
Helpless.
And someone was drooling in the palm of my right hand.

This persuaded me to free the beast, who immediatley switched to sulking mode.

" Geez, thanks, Kazuma! Great way to show how much you appreciate how I could make easy money on some bonehead's back! We could've got loads of gold if you'd let me work my magic!"

Did I ever tell you that I absolutely don't feel like talking to you about Aqua? I did, right? For now, she had successfully ruined a most ordinary day. She was babblering, shaking up my jacket, whining an endless stream of nonsense with a very displeased look, and I just didn't have the strenght to even react. One spectific inanity, however, sperked my insterest:

" You will give some compensation, you hear me? A one hundred thousand gold shortfall is something I can't just let slide!
– Aqua?
– What, you want to argue? Run away? Hide like the lame HikiNEET you are?
– Aqua?" I said again with a wavering voice. I flet like I was about to cry.
" What, Kazuma?
– In what kind of universe will this guy pay us a hundred thousand gold at the end of the day in spite of being broke?"

Aqua was about to give me a hell of a clever answer. Some crazy smart stuff. Some divine guidance, holding wisdom beyond the reach of my poor little mortal mind. Obviously. There was just a bit of a loading time. Sounded like a broken record.
At its own pace, the celestial abacus was incorporating one mundane, trivial fact in its glorious equations: noobs lack any means to pay. With a bit of luck, maybe it would even take into account the possibility that S.M.C. would overcome her challenge, thanks to some likely game-changing ability.
A moment of silence and peace was brought to me by the Church of Axis. Praised be their Goddess.

After following the stranger to the street, Megumin showed up, bouncing up and down in excitement, talking at high speed:

" Kazuma, Kazuma! – Yes, yes, I'm Kazuma.
– You'll never guess what just happened when the bald guy went out! – Well I never.
– He stand there for a while, in the street… and then, poof! – And then poof?
– He just vanished, like that, into thin air!… – Huh, he did?
– And then there was a gust of wind… – I see I see…
– … and a crater appeared in the road! – Ha-ha-ha-ha."

Silence came back. In a vain attempt to deny reality, Aqua gave a go at deduction.

" Kazuma, you think he exploded?
– You bloody idiot! That is a crazy powerful monster and he is gonna eat all the quests of the day up in under ten minutes! And thanks to you, he will get a hundred thousand for that!
– Whatever happened outside, it was definitely not an explosion! said the Crimson Demon.
– I want to know more about this shady-looking fellow." added our big… hearted Crusader.

We swiftly agreed to go after him and decided to check the locations of the quests he had taken up. Since we were absolutely ready to face the consequences of Aqua losing her bet, Darkness had the wit to explain that we just wanted to engage in a friendly conversation with the new guy, to make him understand how, in our opinion, doing all the job and collecting all the rewards for himself could be unrespectful and damaging to the guild and its fellow members. Our objective was completely moral.

The firsts (and easiest) quests involved two word sites, one day of word in a quarry and cleaning up a stable.
We soon found out that S.M.C. was a quick worker, as he could accomplish in ten minutes tasks that others would need two days to do.

" I'd have been glad to have him stay a bit longer, but since he'd done that much for so little already… hehe, I remember, you two weren't able to lift a beam! Talk about some point of comparison!"
I conspicuously stared at Aqua. She was the side of the beam that touched the ground. Through some of this remarkable magic of hers, the goddess managed to genuinely look like she didn't notice.

" Anywas, she said after hearing two similar accounts of S.M.C.'s feats, he'll have to spend the whole day at the quarry. There is no way he'll spend a day in less than a day, is there?"

This useless goddess was really indulging in wishfull thinking. At this point, she should have known that we didn't live in this kind of world.

To my great surprise, Aqua's insane optimism, as stupid as it sounded, turned out to be effective. After wasting our whole morning in a fruitless manhunt, we reached the quarry which was carved in a granite cliff near the city. There indeed, we found the man in his yellow suit, with his white cape and zen haircut. He was talking with a fifty years old beefcake named Loki, with whom Aqua and I were acquainted. Rarely, however, had we ever seen him smiling like he did at that time.

When he saw us, Mister Clean greeted us:
" Yo."
He was raising his red glove as a sign of friendship, while displaying the most idiotic grin. By the way, who still uses the word " yo" anyways?

" Yooo fella!" I replied, with a smarmy smile that was intended to look sincere and cheerful. " What a coincidence! We've been checking your progress, that's really impressive, don't you say? But maybe you forgot, this morning…
– Ho, Kuzuma, you up to something or what?" said Aqua with an unexpected burst of shrewdness. But she could say no more, as I grabbed her hair and forced her to bend over, to show how much she rued her earlier misbehaviour. Well, since she would not give way, I did not manage to bend her literaly: as a result, she rather looked like a pole that one would lean towards the ground.

" So you see, I continued, my friend here had had a drink or two so…
– OK, he said.
– … would accept to let slide her inappropri… what?
– It's OK. I was kidding. i was not gonna to rob innocent citizens for a stupid gamble. Who do you think I am? I am a hero, a real one, a professional."

Oh.
That explained the cape. And the rubber gloves.
This was an unexpected relief for me. As my tension dropped, so did Aqua, who faced the imminent ground with much dignity.
At least, we had not lost any money that day. Yet.
Maybe we'd even be able to complete one quest if chrome dome was nice enough to let us snaffle the crumbs.

Meanwhile, Mr. Loki had resumed his discussion with the S.M.C., so we would have to wait. As it seemed, there had been some kind of accident involving a horse, which had jeopardized the transportation of finished goods to the construction sites in the city: the manager was trying to bargain the promise that the stranger would ensure the next days' deliveries (as he had done during the morning, apparently) for the rest of the work day required by the quest.
Our hero wasn't much tempted.

" Well, I can see you will not yield… " said the quarryman in the end. " However, I wonder… no, that would be asking too much.
– As long as it does not involve me coming back, you may as well explain.
– Please, it is a ridiculously colossal piece of work, utterly ludicrous. Even you couldn't possibly accomplish by the end of the day such a…
– Just shut up and tell me already!"

S.M.C. was starting to lose patience. He was making again this angry bald man face, similar to that of this morning.

" These last few mounths, some earthquakes have occured, sometimes resulting in collapsing. A few weeks ago, a huge piece of the cliff, too big for us to move, blocked a whole potion of the quarry, making it unusable. We could technically break it down, if we had time, but in this season buisness is good so…
– Is that the rock you mean, just there?
– Yes indeed, that is the boulder."

S.M.C. was pointing a rubber finger towards an enormous rock, that had the size of two houses and leikely weighted over a hundred thousand tons.
Upon hearing Mr. Loki's confirmation, he shrugged and headed towards the rock.

" Wait!"

This simple request, issued like an order, came from Megumin, who was staring at the boulder with an enthusiasm that did not look quite good.

" I can handle it!" she said, with a confident tone. " I want to handle it!
– You think you can do that?" I asked, with a somewhat skeptical tone. " Blowing up stone?
– I… I've always wondered what that would be like!" confessed our Arch Wizard with a passionate air that bordered on lechery. No, actually, when someone rubs their magic staff between their tights while going as red as a beet, the term lecherous is pretty much spot-on.
The only one supposedly sensible member of our group was making me suffer this sight as if it were a perfectly normal thing to see. What had I done to deserve this?

All I could do was sigh and comply. So I said to the S.M.C.:

" Would it bother you if we shared the quest?"

The super-hero vaguely shrugged. I didn't understand how he could just stand equally by some lewd brat, rubbing herself and drooling all over her mage staff. Undoubtedly, my good comrade had survived worse before.
This simple thought made me feel much more respect and sympathy for this guy than I had ever felt towards Aqua, Megumin or Darkness. That was sudden and admittedly absurd, but what can I say? that's just the way it was. Men have feeling of their own, you know?

" Here I go!"

The evacuation was over. The young girl faced the empty quarry at a respectable distance. The prodigy was about to take place.

" O ultimate power sleeping deep in the unmoving stone, dormant fires, blood of the world, answer my command you shall with obedience! I, Megumin, Arch Wizard and master of the arcana, I call upon the occult forces of the underworld: their rivers of pure energy…"

Today, Megumin was overflowing with inspiration. She was probably fired up by the idea of blowing up something that was not shaped like a frog. I think she mentioned volcanoes that brought death and destruction, something like that. Anyways, when she said that, the sky got cloudy, and ominous thunder started rumbling in earth's dephts. The whole world was shaking and electricity was running through the air; around the great boulder, fleeting sparkles and electric arcs were flying wildly in the crazy wind; and their number was growing, and they were red and gold, and then purple then blue.

" Wow, that's really pretty!" said the superhero. " Does she use fireworks to do that or not?"

Then suddenly, the world was torn apart, the land was lifted, and the huge rock, illuminated from the inside, cracked. And fire and birmstone bursted out as the boulder shattered into thousands of sharpy shards.
A well executed explosion, the author of which was unfortunately unable to witness right to the very end. For she was already falling down to the mud. Regardless, the sublime, profound voice of the short-lived titan, swansong of the ultimate and true form of pyrotechnics, told everything she needed to know to her expert ear: I could see that at the lustful pleasure of the half-face she was still exposing to the world.

This performance was quite praised.
That is, until the entire cliff, weakened by the shockwave, slided right on the quarry, flattening the boulder's smoking remains like a shoe that gently lands on an insect.

At this point, no need to be an Arch Wizar to make the connection between explosions and sliding cliffs or falling boulders. Manager Loki turned all red, so angry, quite bellowing. In the end, it looked like we were indeed about to lose our hundred thousand gold – with interests, I guess. A normal day, in short.
Aqua was not of any help at all. She was taking care of Megumin – what a numskull. As for Darkness, she was flushing in a corner, silent as a grave, way too much troubled by the wrong we were responsible for to actually endure with the quarrymen's verbal retaliation. No, for some reason, I was apparently the only one who had to put up with that in all the others' stead. That one was sure a masochist only when nothing required her to be.

At this moment, Super Mister Clean took a step forward.

At first, I thought this was a mistake. Some kind of totally random, disoriented move, like a byproduct of the formidable awe that, in front of such cataclysmic wonders, would disconnect the soul from this words and its petty squabbles. Yet, it appeared quickly that this weird superhero knew exactly what he was doing, as he continued advancing firmly, quietly, towards this unsteady, two hundred meters-high mountain that had just crushed the quarry.
By " firmly, quietly", I don't mean that this man had the kind of self-confidence that a famous boxer displays as they enter the ring, swearing that they will smash their opponent's ugly mug. It was not either the blind trust of the athlete who's convinced that no matter what, they will win the cup. It was the exact look of, let's say, your average high-schooler who opens the window in summer. Of your average lawyer who has no doubt that, when they show them the door at the end of their appointment, their client will stand up from their chair and wish them a nice day. Of just any somebody who, when crossing the street, does not look up in case some fighter jet would land right on their head. That kind of firm and quiet.

That was probably why we all stopped, Loki, his men, Darkness and me. We simply… watched him, without saying a word nor making the slightest move, as he walked slowly towards the cliff.
And then he stopped. Looked up. Took a deep breath.

Punched the cliff with a straight in its face.

The aftermath – since yeah, that match had an aftermath – occured immediately. With a great crack, a several meters thick wall of stone turned into millions of pieces, just like a big glass plate that hits the ground. Some of those pieces were pretty massive; but around the impact, a whole ozne was just rubble and dust.
By far, that did not look like something a punch would do. The phenomenon outclassed even Megumin's charms. To say the least, the relevant unit was probably the megaton.

If this sounds impressive, what follows is off the charts. Normally, one would expect the debris to just fall down, which would bury the quarry once more. However, the shock wave from the… punch outpowered gravity itself.
I saw, with my own eyes, the broken parts of the cliff split up into two sets of flamboyant debris, one on the left, another on the right. Then, as the smallest rocks were blown away by the wave, they carried the other, even the biggest ones, on dozens of meters.

" What do you think, Aqua, does he use C4 to do that or not?" I said absent-mindedly.

When all was done falling, the quarry was completely clear. A bit dusty, and a few tiny rocks here and there gave it sort of a messy look, and the ground was not what you'd call flat; but as a whole, it was no big deal.

Aqua shouted. Darkness was lying on the soil, unconscious. Red cheeks and the most blissful expression I have ever seen. What a distateful sight. How could my useless goddess not understand, at this point, what had gone through that degenarate's heated head?

" And I insist! We have to! B-b-b-because…
– Oooh no, my poor Darkness, be a reasonable, good girl. You have not recovered yet…" I said slowly, taking a perverse pleasure in denying her desires. " I am worried about your health.
– This man… You're a poor liar, Kazuma! Let me go!
– Oh? But Darkness, be sensible: how could you walk if you can't even stand?"

Truth is, tackling a Crusader and keeping her lying on the ground was hard as hell. I wonder if she was not, to some extend, doing her bit. Given her strenght as a warrior, it is hard to imagine that a wimp like me, sitting on her chest and holding down her legs, could be anything like a real hindrance. Moreover, the reason why she had lost consciousness in the first place made it hard to believe that she couldn't send me go flying whenever she wanted.
Meanwhile, she continued struggling in an almost convincing way, and I was enjoying her cornelian choice between this fake fight and this mysterious stranger. She was most likely enjoying herself too, in her own way, as my knees were slipping on her chest. As for manager Loki and his subbordinates… well, I couldn't say when or how, but it looked like they had multiplied, while remaining carfully distant.

" Kazuma, Aqua said, if you want, I can examine her…
– Eh?
– Er, well… I am a High Priestess, remember? Recovery magic is kind of my department.
– Ah."

That useless goddess. Definitely unable to understand anything at all.
Unfortunately, what is done is done and there was nothing I could reply to that. I had lost the upper hand, so I reluctantly let go of Darkness. She was now in good Doctor Aqua's custody.
Admittedly, our High Priestess was not lacking in efficiency. She had not even touched her patient that said patient was jumping in fright and running like a rabbit.

Aqua and I were about to set off in pursuit of our freshly cured convalescent when Megumin, whom we had forgotten about, produced a begging, not quite articulated moan. Which, combined with the disappearance of that strange armored creature that we call Darkness, kicked manager Loki out of the general numbness caused by this formidable punch.

" Hey! he shouted. The explosion girl!"

Ah, yes. There was that, too. Loki was not that thick-headed, he had figured it out. I was worried about Megumin's health.

The perspective of fighting a mob of sandstone carvers was not the most engaging to me. I had better be fast. But light-shouldered Doctor Aqua insisted that I go fetch the piece of luggage before we follow Darkness. I complied just so that she would shut up.
Megumin was save. Well, at least, her life was not as much as risk as my own.

This may sound romantic, but I don't know why, this idea gave me a really unpleasant feeling.

Here is how the afternoon went: we would decide on a destination. Find a pile of ruins there. Assess the scale of the destruction. Repeat the procedure.
That was a bit tedious and there was a lot of walking around. Fortunately, after catching up with Darkness, the luggage was hers to carry. Megumin had been eating too much lately.

We visited in vain seven entrances to dungeons, dens of wolfes, outlaws' lairs and farms whose residents were quite annoyed that they had lost their hat in the forest: in the end, we agreed that ne next quest zone would be our last attempt of the day. After all, the reason we were going through all that trouble was solely because Darkness was absolutely set on meeting that Super Mister Clean.
I was not. That weirdo had gotten super-speed and super-strenght, while I was stuck with Aqua. If that had been a game, I would have said it was poorly balanced. Damn, this world was so badly designed!

We finally arrived at Elsie's Sanctuary. An ill-defined circle of sacred white stones that generations of bottoms had turned into polished seats. The site was sitting atop a hill beside which a pitiful half-rotten hut acted as housing to some sickly geezer. The quest, for experienced adventurers only, consisted in an exorcism of the sanctuary, that was alledgedly possessed by a demon from another world or some shit.

Since the stones did not look muh possessed, we went to the old questgiver and asked him if he had seen the white-caped baldy, which would explain the absence of whatever demon had been lurking around. He told us no such person had come. With a renewed hope, Darkness immediately requested that the old man confirm that the quest had not been cleared while he was not looking or washing the dishes: which the guardian of the site deemed stupidly funny.

" Ha ha ha! Well well well, young girl, that was sweet. Trust me, I know what I'm saying when I say that whatever threatens this place is not to be trifled. There is a reason why this quest was classified amongst the most dreadful, perilous ones in the whole history of the world. Great adventurers have already tried completing it and few made it out alive: they escaped by the teeth of their skin, and none of them has returned in one piece. Those lucky ones stopped living by the sword, always seeking glory, fame and wealth, and now they are hiding away, trembling in fear and screaming through their sleepless nights! Only a strong arm and an unyielding soul can, after a long, fierce combat, hope to eradicate the evil that dwells in this land.
– I insist! said Darkness.
– Should the demon be still there, I shall perform myself that exorcism" added Aqua, to reinsure the gentleman. Eventhough she was a goddess, I had my doubts on her ability to do that, but I kept it to myself.

The old man accepted to come, but he would not go too close to the cursed circle for, according to him, despite the magical protection that his holy function granted him, the evil was too strong, and it would tear him apart if he were to enter the site.

He stopped fifty steps away. No reaction from the circle of stones. He admitted that this was not expected. He accepted to have a closer look, but he pointed out that we needed to be cautious, as the beast was nasty and crafty.

Thirty steps away. Nothing. Maybe the demon was sleeping in the low dimensions?

" It does not sleep, said the guardian. Not in the way you mean. He is waiting for a time when even death may die, whispering in our dreams… " He tapped his temple with a knowing look.

Of course, look! I, too, used my index finger to make little circles around my frontal lobe. Aqua and Megumin suppressed a discreet chuckle.

" And, eeer… What else can you tell us about this creature?"

Darkness was obviously serious. Probably because some old loony was terrified by a circle of rocks. That was indeed a quite unusual sight! And after all, fifteen steps, wasn't that a lot closer to the circle that the guy would have thought he would go when we had pulled him out of his hut?
Out of nowhere, the guardian stopped.
Lifted a shaking arm towards the stones.

It was shaking so hard that it was actually difficult to find out what he was pointing at. Yet there was one element, right in the middle of the circle, that felt quite out of place.

" The wall… " he muttered. " The wall of Choochoo!"

That is all we got from him. Before we could even grab him, he hurtled down the hill at full throttle, with the most grotesque scream I had heard to this day. Megumin and Aqua bursted out in laughter, and Darkness herself could not hold back a short giggle, though it may have been mainly out of surprise.
No, for reals, never in my whole life would I have imagined seing someone who'd be that scared of some low brick wall!

Granted, the affair was indeed peculiar. For starters, the first time we had examined the site, we had seen no low wall in the middle of the circle of rocks. Furthermore, the circle seemed slightly different, as if the stones had moved, the shape was more… squary?

" So, then, people, are you ready?" Aqua said, still crying in laughter. " Let us proceed and exorcise this wall, shalln't we? Now be careful, this could be dangerous… "

While she was having a bail, Megumin and Darkness were already coming to their senses. They had started noticing, like me, that something was not right. Maybe the old guardian was right when he left, I thought. Maybe his fears were not funny at all…

The wall looked like it was getting larger and higher, stretching its sides towards the border of the circle. Which looked like it was above the ground. Well, it is hard to explain, but… it was like the distances were growing, getting closer and closer to infinity. I looked up, trying to find the horizon, to cling onto a familiar landmark. I saw the downhill slope. I saw, far, far away, the plains and the fields and the forests. And hten, beyond, th mountains and the sea, and other continents.

I was seized by dizziness.

There was no horizon.
Upright, a vanishing point. It swallowed the hollow world and this concave earth. Aqua's snicker was pulsing on my eardrums like a distant echo, some new panick arose in me.

" Aqua!" I shouted. " Stop laughing and exorcise that thing!"

But nother answered my call, I could not feel my body anymore. Some soft bumb in my back, from another reality, informed me that I had fallen backwards, on the ground; but how could the notion of ground still make sense when I was in this strange ball of visions, outside of my body? It was not my body that had fallen backwards, as I was falling upwards, in the air, towards that vanishing chokepoint, beyond this infinite distance and beyond the limits of this world.
On second thought, there was no way to tell wether Aqua was still laughing at that time.
In spite of this physical, spiritual feeling, that I was falling into the sky, I had the impression that I was still on the same plane as the white stones – and the base of this nefarious wall. Only these stones were like getting further from me, completely out of reach – and even as they draw a circle on the ground, that circle really was just a very odd square. Beyond the stones, the world had started to gleam with a blinding light, that casted in the circle long and twisted shadows, that curved and crossed and drew tortuous, infathomable motives, the smell of which was demonic. The white-skinned rocks had turned into gravestones surrounded with darkness, while sinisters incantations floated around them, trying to resurrect those who lie forever.
I was paralysed by a nameless fear. Had I still had muscles, I would have screamed in such an over-the-top, ridiculous way that the old man's comical shriek would have sounded dead serious in comparison.

At this point of the story, a short break is necessary.

As I am trying to convey with words this… whatever-that-was that I experienced, I am well aware of how stupid this part sounds. Actually, this whole story has been stupid from the get-go. From the day I first died and was reincarnated, to this whole day I spent running behind some stupid baldy because Aqua was a cluck or Darkness filled with lecherous fantaisies.
But this moment, this thing with the circle of stones, that had nothing to laugh about. That was not just some stupid hallucination induced by mere terror. The thing that was lurking there, infesting this sacred place and terrifying folks in the vicinity, was nothing like a joke. I think that this feeling of supernatural, these visions of hollow earths, distorted space, falls in the sky, these numb senses and impressions of disembodiment – who knows – were my mind's desperate attempts to make sense of what was going on, but all of these nonetheless felt uncanny, incoherent. That thing, that was… that was, all thing considered, the most tangible proof of a reality that is not what we think it is. That is not, in any way, for anyone, conceivable.

A gigantic arm tore a gap in the sky and entered the world.
A putrid wind plowed into me. The slimy hand, covered in scrabs, with its livid flesh, sluggish fingers and yellowing clads took over my field of vision, growing faster and faster. I could not even move.

I believed at some point, I cried, there was no sound. I flet like my voice was deadened, as in a pillow, or burried under hundreds of meters of soil.

Then, a lot of things happened all at once.

At the very last moment, coming out of nowhere – places and space, at this point, did not mean anything anymore though – I saw Darkness, our faithful Crusader, raise her own body in the way of the putrid hand, spreading her arms and legs as if to protect me. A peak of despear tightened my heart. Did she think she could take that?

Yet something was somewhat odd. Darkness was not facing the arm – as if she was looking towards something else, in the distance, waiting for it, as it was closing in. And she had this absolutely unique expression on her face, this determination, this iron will, this… drooling grin that meant: life-threatening situation.

Suddenly, they collided.

Unexpectedly, this was not the mere intersection of the trajectories of two moving bodies. There were three partners in this dance, and one of them was playing out of their league.
One of them was Darkness, in her adamantine armor, which emitted a metallic grinding noise as well as a long groan.
Another was the hand, which the back of the latter, mashing its way through flesh and bones, passed through at high speed. The impact was so brutal that the elastic flesh dragged the rest along before it would have time to tear: every last bone was broken, the whole skeletton got wrung, nerves and blod vessels were drawn like a spider web on the bank of a flooding river.
The third and last partner was a hand too. This one was a normal-sized, clenched fist wearing a bright red rubber glove. It had smashed righ into Darkness' plate; and it was still pressing a metal shard on the maiden's chest, pushing her through the slimy monstrosity. Used as a mere meat shield, Darkness' back was forced to crush dark burning bones and carve a large pit into the sticky muscles and the lethal vapors.

Two great cries crossed the sky. The first one, inhuman and fierce, sounded like a rumbling from the cold, freezing dephts. In its raging pain, the wounded beast was screaming occult threats, in languages too ancient for living ears to understand. And the sky and the silence that were closing in on it were unable to extinguish the lingering angst and uneasiness that it had aroused within us.
The second one, even more monstruous, came from the dephts of a congested throat, and it conjured the utter degradation of every little bit of humanity. Beastly, orgasmic, overflowing with saliva and pulmonary mucus, it exited spasmodically a hard-pressed chest only to swell, without restraint, in a waide gaping mouth, reverberating like an echo against the nightly lakes and the burning walls of infernal caves.

These two opposed sounds, the high-pitched and the low-pitched one, merged together into a ghastly symphony, the echoes of which will forever haunt my memories.
Somewhere, there also was the sound of a cumbling low brick wall.

Suddenly, the world became real again, solid as usual. There was space, there was earth on my nose, the horizon all around me and the air I breathed. The hill was also here, with its white stones and so was the rest of my group.
Well, to be more specific, I spotted Aqua, who had managed an incredibly shameful position, as well as Megumin, who was blubbering in a corner. µAnd then there was this guy, the only one standing, the very noob we had chased and who had ended up saving our necks. He was staring at something on the ground, behind one of the stones. I picked myself up and anxiously went to see. Most likely, he was looking at Darkness, but was she even still alive? The S.M.C.'s neutral face was not a very conclusive clue.

Truthfully, I was not prepared.
Darkness was alive, alright. Her chest was moving up and down with a pretty lievly amplitude, as was plain to see, yes, up and down, good rythm too, flantasticly good. Maybe even too good, one might say, there is sch a flan as too much bounce.
So, yeah, the armor was broken quite much, as well as the chainmail underneath, which had ripped her clothes and made deep marks on her skin. Her snowy skin was now covered in violent motives, red patches and violet bruises, sleeping upder our eyes with an exhausted delight.

Yet, after a quick look, I was surprised to see that Darkness was taking no pleasure at being stared by men. That was definitely unusual. She was conscious, undoubtedly; however, in her sensual, mental confusion, she barely knew where she was anymore, or noticed and that her saviour and I were watching over her. Her eyes were misty, her expression was a painting of ecstasy, the setting sun was tainting her cheeks in pink, and she was whispering on a loop: " Aw, this man… this man… "

This man she was talking about seemed rather surprised.

" Ooooh, he said, so somebody survived this?"

He gave his fist a puzzled look.
He stood there a moment, bewildered, then concluded:
" Well then, she is lucky."
And he started walking away from her.

At this moment, my brain cells started working to their maximum, so intensely that my ears became hot. I vaguely sensed that I was letting the chance of a lifetime pass by me: I had to do something, anything, to grab the stranger's attention! I was missing something there, I was sure of it!
Suddenly, what he had said during his conversation with Luna came back to my mind.

" Hey, you! Why are you so interested in the Demon King?"

S.M.C. turned around. Still making his perfect poker face. At least, this time, I had delayed his departure. At the quarry, he had litteraly flown off, like some kind of big frog. Super-frog, had said Megumin.
He was just slightly intrigued though. Looked like he would not even bother to answer unless I first told him why I wanted to know why he wanted to know more about the Demon King. I was stuck, so I quickly came up with some plausible reason.

" I mean, there's nothing in this palce that could rise up to you, you know? You could just complete a few quests, then after a few days, you'd have enough money to buy a house and eat for the rest of your like, wouldn't you? Why would you even bother fighting?"

Flankly (sorry, Darness) I was just babblering. Came across as some made-up twaddle.
Nonetheless the S.M.C. answered:

" Where I come from, I have found nobody who's strong enough to face me. I just hope this what's-his-name will be interesting."

Ah.
Yet another stupid story. You never get enough of those.

" Where you come from… you mean Japan?
– Ooooh, so you know Japan too?
– Yeah, I'm from there too.
– I see."

Period.
Oh no no no, don't turn around! Don't just wave your hand before flying off! Quick, say something, anything, hold him back!

" But, errr… did you already have powers there?
– Huh? Ah, well, of course. I am a pro hero. From the Hero Association.
– Ah."

So, not the same Japan.
Talking point.

" And how did you die?
– Die?"

The S.M.C. had no idea what I was talking about.
Too many hypothesis.
Irrelevant, actually.
Figure out how to make him take Darkness away. That was my goal…

" Just, how did you get here?
– Oh. Don't really know. I think I ran too fast. Is that important?"

No. Stuck. Time's up.
I beg you, Super-frog, don't leave right now!

" I got it! – Ah?
– I know what I have to tell you! – Ah.
– I know what you are looking for! – You didn't answer my qu…
– I know where you can find it! – OK.
– It must be Destiny! – … "

S.M.C. yawned and I saw it. How was I supposed to get this guy excited about anything? Anyways, it was time for me to throw the dice and reveal my hand.

" What you need is someone strong enough to fight you!"

Strange but true, it worked. Somewhat. It was hard to distinguish, but a glimmer of hope awoke again, in the lifeless eyes of this blasé super-hero.

" Someone who might beat you!"

Yes, yes, yes, something was happening! I could now see a sparkle in his expression! I had a chance!

" Or even just withstand a single puch from you!"

Touché!
He was all ears.
Now, things were getting complicated.

" Look no further, you just found what you seek!
– You don't look that strong though… "

Eh, what? Oh shoot!

" No no no, don't hit me, I mean Darkness!
– Darkness? What's that, some kind of monster?"

You tell me.

" This girl… that's this girl, Darkness! The opponent you need!"

S.M.C. did not look very convinced. Ouch. Skeptical from the beginning.

" Think about it, just for a while! Here is someone who could take, without even training, one of your blows! A"hit so powerful that it could reduce this awful entity to shreds!"

The hill indeed had quite an ugly look. The old man from the hut would have some cleaning to do.
But the super-hero was still dubious.

" It's not the first time she has dealt with a powerful hit, but I've got this feeling that with you, she could unlock her full potential! Become stronger, toughest than she's ever been! Also, she herself hits pretty hard… "
When the hit connects.
" Forget about the Demon King! You'll blow that loser up in one puch. But Darkness, she… she can absorb as you want!"

There I was, giving a sales pitch. Well, if anyone were to ever find some kind of happiness in being sold off by a cherished friend like some lower-end crap, it would be Darkness.

Super-baldy point out:

" If her power is shock absorbtion, there's got to be a limit to it, right?
– Eh?
– You said 'absorb', not 'nullify'… which means, this power has some kind of physical limitation."

… OK. Not the right approach. That guy came from a world where super-powers were so mundane that terminology debates would occur there.

" Hey! Darkness! Wake up here!"
I managed to get he to open her eyes by simply calling her name. That, or the grip of my hands on her shoulders as I was shaking her. She quickly noticed that her armor was in pieces and that her flan was bare. Flank. Sorry Darkness.
As she bended in a hurry, the cute pink of her innocent face turned into passion red. The profound hue of the sun going under the horizon.
" C-c-come on, Kazuma! You could have put a b-b-blanket on me or something!"

I didn't need to answer to that. I simply pointed my finger at the S.M.C.. I'd be better off letting my merchandise trade itself.
This noble Crusader was immediately overthrown by such a burst of joy that she forgot all about her prudish scene. She grabbed the arm of the unfortunate skinhead and pressed herself against his flan. Flank.

" Master! I've been looking for you for so l… "

She stopped talking. Turned pale at once, paralyzed by an embarrassing idea. Looked at Aqua and Megumin, at some distance, who were beginning to recover. And then, at me.
I was sad. So sad, so very sad.
But, well, if that was what she truly wanted…

I walked to her and put my hand on her soft shoulder blade.

" Darkness, my dear friend, we had a lot of fun. Together, we lived some beautiful adventures. Achieved great feats. A flank and sincere friendship will bind us for ever.
– Ah." said the S.M.C..
" So, trust me when I say that I do understand. I am really happy for you. I know you can't resist it. It must be Destiny that this morning, we were eating breakfast in the guild's hall, at the right place, at the right time.
– Kazuma…
– Really?
– Go, dear Darkness. I… I won't hold you back."

I abruptly turned around. Darkness, wlinging to the bald hero, had tears in her eyes, yet retained from crying. I, on the other hand, was not containing my tears. I let them flow freely, with a crocodile's pride.
In front of me, Aqua was displaying signs of some unwanted insight. I distinctly recall seeing Megumin's lips articulate the world " Ku-zu-ma".

" Kazuma… you are a coward, a weakling and a cheat. An ungrateful scumbag who'd abuse those who are even weaker than him, slack all day and just take it out on people who love him. Yes, a real scumbag… What I'm trying to say is… you are my friend. A real friend.
– Ah ah.
– Thanks to you, these past few months, I've been feeling like I had found my place. You gave me a place where I could be myself! I'll never forget that… "

Ah ah, like he said. Darkness had found her place without my help, and independently from my consent.

" To the very end, you've been so… understanding. Thank you, Kazuma, and… farewell.
– Well, I'm going now.
– Eh?"

Without further notice, Super-frog hopped.
Somehow, Darkness managed to hang on. That was a good sign. I was worried that baldy might get away without taking his package, after this punch she had taken. Turns out, our Darkness was a real leech.

Damn, did I just think " our Darkness"? Hey, there were only three of us now!
Let's summarize the day. We had not lost our hundred thousand gold gamble. We had contributed to two quests along with the S.M.C.. The tank had left the party, along with her gorgeous flan and her noble lineage. I knew exactly what I had lost.
And what I had to say about it was: good riddance.