Secrets
I burn inside. My skin is aflame from the hurt I carry in my heart. The need to do something about this never-ending pain is so great that I am paralyzed, confused as to what I can do to end all this.
I am torn.
I am alone.
I am held within the tender blanket of a beautiful secret. It holds me close and keeps me warm and yet coldness seeps through the seams and into my very bones. I shiver and I close my eyes, wishing the darkness would grasp me and put an end to my misery.
For I fear there is no other way for the agony to pass…
There was a time when I enjoyed my life. I laughed, I cried, I yelled in anger and leapt for joy.
I am the daughter of an average farmer. I am nothing special.
I am just me. I am not tall and I am not of slender built. I am not beautiful, not in the grand sense, as some perceive.
I am smart.
I am foolish.
The secret begins many moons ago. I hear a pained groan from our shed, where my father keeps his machines for the farm. It is so small; I have to kneel to open the door. Moonlight pools around my feet as I step aside and peer into the shed. I am expecting an animal but what I see astounds me.
It is a human man and he is badly wounded. I see blood on his face, on his arms and hands. In the near complete darkness, I see his fingers are burned; his nails are a dirty russet color. A few nails are missing.
His lip is split. Drops of blood run down his chin. His eyes are swollen, his face bruised beyond recognition.
His hair is matted with his own blood and dirt. He is shaking. I feel his fear and I feel his pain.
"Dear Gods." I whisper as I inch closer. He shies away from me, afraid for his life. My heart reaches out to this poor thing. Who could ever do something like this? It is beyond me.
"I wish to help you." I whisper softly and I smile. "Please. You will die if you do not let me tend your wounds."
He says nothing. I do not know if he is able to speak. His breathing is labored, his hands shake uncontrollably. I drop to my knees and I reach for him. The cold around me bites into my skin, the hard dirt underneath my knees scratches but I ignore it.
He is the important one and he needs my help.
"Please. I cannot bear the thought of you dying. Let me help you."
He is young. Perhaps a little older than I and it hurts me to see him this way. "I will not hurt you. You are safe."
There is a slight moan and then a gasp. I realize that he is sobbing, crying because of the pain. And I feel that he is not accustomed to kindness and he cries because he feels he can trust me.
I reach out my hand and after a very long while, he finally grasps it. I help him out of the shed and he leans into me, while I help him to the house.
To his haven.
To safety.
To the beginning of a secret.
------
It takes a full moon cycle for him to recover. I bathe him, I feed him and I talk to him. My father is not happy that I have brought a stranger into the house but I do not care. It feels right.
I watch the stranger sleep. I wish that he would open his eyes and tell me his name. But he is forever quiet.
He wakes up from nightmares. He shakes and quivers, he is afraid. His eyes are wide with fright when he wakes up. I never leave his side while he lies in my bed. I tend to him as best I can because…
…it feels right.
-----
I read from old children's books to soothe him. I realize that he relaxes when he hears my voice. It thrills me that I can help him with such simplicity.
It is the story of a lost young boy trying to find his family that seems to rattle him from his stupor. He turns his head and his blue eyes are…old.
"Stop." He breathes and I am startled for he has so far not spoken to me.
I lay the tattered book aside and kneel by the bed. "You are awake."
"Do not read that story to me again." He says harshly, his jaw set firmly. I am at a loss of words.
The story hurts him I realize. He never tells me why.
-----
Two days pass in which he will not eat. He will not speak. He is sleeping and yet I feel that he is awake. I talk to him and I read to him but never again the story about the boy trying to find his family.
His wounds are completely healed. The bruises are gone, his nails are growing and his skin is healthy. He seems healthy.
He is ill.
Ill at heart.
"Thank you."
I glance up from my book and I smile. He is awake yet he stares at the ceiling, refusing to meet my eyes. "You are welcome."
"Why?"
I am surprised by his question. I put the book aside and draw my knees to my chest. He is beautiful. Any woman would want him. His hair is as blond as the sun is golden, his eyes as blue as a vast ocean and he has the body of a warrior, a fighter.
I am nothing compared to him. I feel ashamed.
A farmer's daughter has no business being near the likes of such beauty.
"I do not understand your inquiry." I whisper, turning my gaze away.
He sits up and I look at him from the corner of my eye. Golden strands touch his broad shoulders. There is no warmth in his face. There is no happiness.
There are no emotions at all.
He seems like a programmed droid. Just a hull of a human being.
"Why did you help me?"
I shift my eyes to the floor at my feet. "Because you were hurt. You were bleeding badly. I thought you might die."
"Why did you not leave me to die?"
I am surprised by his words and surprised by the harshness of his tone.
"I could not." I lift my head and I stare at him, my vision blurry because of an onslaught of tears I cannot hold back.
Silence.
All I hear for a very long time is our breathing and the echo of my heart.
Silence.
He slides off the bed and kneels before me. I am shocked and I cannot speak. He grasps both my hands and suddenly leans forward and kisses each of my knuckles in succession. "I thank you for granting me a second chance to live." He whispers against my skin, his warm lips brushing along my fingers.
I am stunned.
I am not worthy.
I pull my hands away. "You are welcome." I whisper, avoiding his eyes.
He reaches up and touches my face, his fingers trembling. I am confused. He is a force of nature, a powerful male and yet he trembles and shakes.
"Never avert your gaze with me." He whispers suddenly. I stare at him, shivering from the look in his eyes.
Hope.
Despair.
Desire.
Longing.
"What is your name?" I ask him slowly. He pulls away from me and gets to his feet in a single fluid movement.
"I have no name. I am no one."
------
Another moon cycle passes and he talks only when he needs to. He helps on the farm and my father is pleased with his work.
I am intrigued by him and intimidated at the same time.
He has yet to tell me his name.
I see him watching me sometimes. When I work in the field with the droids, I feel he is watching me.
I like when he watches me.
No one else sees me at all.
-----
"Ianus."
I turn around swiftly, startled by the voice behind me. The night is cool as I stand outside with a thick shawl around my shoulders, breathing in the cold air.
He stands at the door of the house, wearing my father's old clothes. They barely fit him for he is tall and broad.
"I beg your pardon?"
"My name. I am called Ianus."
I am speechless. After two moons, he has finally told me his name.
Ianus.
A beautiful name.
For a beautiful man.
------
The fire burns brightly, flickers in red and orange colors. I sit before it and warm my hands. My father is out for the night and only Ianus is there to keep me company.
He does not speak. He hardly ever does.
I sit and I read until the shuffling of his feet surprise me. He sits down in front of the fireplace to my side. "Read to me." He says softly.
"What would you like to hear?"
"What are you reading?"
"A story about forgiveness."
Ianus turns his head and closes his eyes. "Read to me."
------
Hours pass while I read. I feel his presence near me; I feel his warmth even through the crackling flames in the fireplace.
I feel nervous. My voice falters while I read. The words blur and I must stop.
I look up from my book and stare into the flames. Dangerous, life threatening and yet the giver of life.
"How were you hurt?" I ask into the darkness. I feel Ianus stiffen. Minutes pass without a word. He does not answer.
I read to him.
"I must leave soon."
His words shatter my world. I can only nod because words fail me. I do not want him to leave for I have come to care for him.
I am not worthy.
"I will see that you have clothing and food for your journey." I want to pass him but he grabs my arm and turns me around.
His gaze is chilling. Cold.
"I do not know how to thank you."
"Do not."
He will not let me go. Ianus simply stares and then he smiles and my world tips to the side.
He is beyond beautiful and he is leaving.
"You saved my life." Ianus whispers and he touches my hair, coiling strands around his long fingers. "I was badly injured and you cared for me. You fed and bathed me. You let me stay in your home. And you do not want anything in return?"
"How were you hurt?" I want to know the truth.
That is all I want in return.
Ianus sighs, lets go of my arm. I wish he had not. I like his touch, the warmth and the gentleness.
"I am a Jedi Knight." He says and I gasp. I had never suspected! He is one of the legendary warriors, a fighter for peace, honor and freedom. A wielder of the magic power they call The Force.
I am truly unworthy.
I avert my gaze but his harsh hiss makes me look up. "Never turn your eyes away like that." He says and I frown.
"You are a Jedi. I am nothing. It is not in my place to look upon you." I stare at the floor.
His fingers lift up my chin and he smiles. "You are everything." He whispers. "You are a life saver. You are generous. You are loving and caring. You are a worthy woman and any man should be lucky to have you."
I want Ianus.
Does he want me?
"How were you hurt, Ianus?"
He swallows but he does not step back. He strokes my cheek and inclines his head, golden curls falling over his shoulder. "I was hurt on a mission. My friends died. I was captured and tortured for information. I was freed by a friend and I escaped."
"Your friend did not?"
"He was killed."
I nod. "And now you must leave to be with your kind again."
"I must leave because it is my calling."
He does not move as he speaks. He stares at me and I hold my breath as he comes closer. Ianus kisses me and I melt.
No man has ever touched me. For I am not beautiful.
I am nothing.
I am…me.
------
He stays one more night. My Jedi Knight stays with me for one night before he must leave. His memory will haunt me for the rest of my life. He is perfection and I am the opposite.
His good-bye to me is not hasty and I feel that he is saddened. Ianus' eyes are glazed while he whispers words in such a beautiful language; they bring tears to my eyes. I have never before heard anything as beautiful.
I do not want him to leave.
He is my secret and I want to keep him.
His life awaits him. The life I have given him.
"Good-bye." Ianus whispers before he turns away from me and walks down the path of his destiny.
My secret. Our secret.
It grows within me.
I would never see Ianus again.