Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly
In a corner of a bedroom, was a girl, sitting. She looked so small, and fragile compare to who she is outside her, dare she say it, home. Her back was pressed against the wall, and her left side was pressed against the side of her bed. She looked like she was hiding, but no she isn't; she was just afraid, and those were the only support she could have. She was holding a kitchen knife, and looking at it intently. The sharpness of the knife was mocking her; like it was smiling evilly at her. Well, that's what she thought. She brought it up, with shaky hands, to inspect it; looking for answers that were never there. Then suddenly she brought it to thrust it in her heart, but she stopped. She cannot do it; she was scared. Tears suddenly rolled down her cheeks, and sobs filled her room. She dropped the knife beside her, and cried more. She hugged her knees, and buried her face to it. Now, she was hiding. She was hiding her face to the world. She was scared to kill herself – that she knew, but still tried, and hoping she could face her "fears" and escape, though, she failed. She cried, and cried. She has hard time breathing, her heart was pounding really fast and loud, and her whole body was uncontrollably shaking. She was trying to stop her cries, but she cannot control it. She was trying to be strong, but she only became weaker.
She just wanted to die. She doesn't want to sleep anymore, and wake up to the sunrise, and mock her as the day goes by. She doesn't want to try, and move forward because there's nothing left for her. She was praying, to whoever was above in heaven, to just grant her this one wish: to end her sufferings. But that's not happening. Heck, she couldn't even kill herself! Opportunities were given to her, but it always failed. Like when she was crossing the stree,t and she was almost hit by a car, she really doesn't mean to – she was just so deep in thought that she didn't realize that she crossed the street while it was still on green light – but someone pulled her out of it, and saved her. Many, along that line, happened to her, but there was always someone or something that stopped her almost death. 'It's not my time yet', she thought bitterly to herself.
She was worthless, and useless. Well, that's what her mother told her since she could remember it, and she believed in her. Why not? She is her mother. She just doesn't get it, and she was tired of it all. Why these things must happen to her? Why does she have been the one suffering? What did she ever do to deserve this? Why? Those were the questions that run through her mind, and until now, she still doesn't have the answers.
It started when she was two years old. Her mother always called her things, like worthless, useless, bad child, and many more. But back then she doesn't understand it yet. It really started, though, when she was five years old. There were verbal abuse, but there were also physical abuse added. She was slapped, hit, punched, and kicked by her mother. She doesn't understand what she did wrong, but she let her mother do those things to her because in her mind, she did something wrong. For so long she thought that she did something, and those were her punishments, until she was thirteen years old.
Flashback:
Her mother was drunk again when she went home from school. The sight was not new to her; bottles were lying around the floor of their living room, TV was on, the smell of the beers, and cigarettes mixed together, and her mother passed out on the couch. She sighed, and started cleaning. She was almost done, and was only wiping the spill on the floor when her mother spoke. At first she ignored her, because clearly she was drunk, and most drunk people talk nonsense. But it got louder, and suddenly her mother was shouting at her.
"It's all your fault, you worthless piece of shit!" her mother screamed at her, and tried to stand up, but failed. Sitting on the couch, and eyes were barely open, her mother started screaming at her again.
"It's all your…hiccup…fault that your father…hiccup…left! If you weren't born…hiccup…he wouldn't leave me! You bitch!" then her mother passed out, but not before she threw the remote at her. It missed.
She was just sitting on the floor while holding a rag with wide eyes open, and mouth open ajar; trying to process of what her mother just said, well, screamed at her.
'How is it my fault?' she asked herself, still in that position. She can't seem to move. Her whole body was frozen. 'How is it of me being born that my father left?'
She was confused, hurt, and angry. Her mind was processing, and looking for an answer at the same time. She never seen or know who her father is. Sometimes she wondered, and asked herself where is he, but she just brushed it off immediately because she thought that it was not important anymore.
She was confused because she doesn't get why is it her fault. She was hurt by the words, and accusation of her mother. She was angry because her mother was abusing her, verbally, and physically, because of her father – that left them years ago, and blaming it on her!
It all came clearly to her that her sufferings are because of her father leaving them. But still, she let her mother abused her. She never told to anyone of what her mother was doing to her – afraid that her mother will be lock away. Although, that's the right thing to do, and her mother deserves it, she couldn't because she loves her. Even with the abuse, she still love, and see her as her mother. And that's what she hates about herself.
End of Flashback.
Now, still in the corner of her bedroom – crying, she let this moment, of what she tried to do, be forever tattooed in her mind, and heart, knowing that it will be a waste of energy to forget it because she know she will never forget, and couldn't forget. She started to build the walls again that surrounded her heart. She let herself cry until there's no more tears before wearing the mask again. The mask that fools everyone that she's okay; that she doesn't care to anyone but herself; that she could take care of herself, and doesn't need anyone; that she's tough, and you cannot mess with her, because that's just her. Because that's just who Samantha Puckett is.
What do you guys think? Review please!