BROKEN TOY SOLDIER
This has probably been done before. Many times. And better. But I really wanted to write my own anyway. There's just something about Bertolt that screams "write angst!" to me, and it's been a long time since I've written an angsty piece so I couldn't resist! XP
Huge spoilers ahead, although I guess most people reading AoT fics are caught up on the manga and know Bertolt and Reiner's true identities.
Also, this is constantly crossing the border between bromance and romance, but since I'm me, it's really leaning more towards the latter; ultimately, it's really up to you.
Disclaimer: Attack on Titan is not mine, nor am I making any profit out of this beyond my own entertainment. Since some characters have a million existing spellings for their names, I've just gone with my favorite.
Enjoy!
Bertolt hates nighttime in the barracks. Always has. Always will.
When asked, he'd probably deny it and try to blame the snoring, but he knows it's not that.
It's the silence. (Well, there is snoring, so it's not really silent silent, but that's not what he means.) When it's time to turn off the lights and all the cadets slide into their bunks, there are always a few that keep on hushed conversations, and Bertolt really, desperately and consciously does his best to fall asleep right then, because he knows if he doesn't then he'll be awake when the silence descends and all he'll hear (aside from the snores) are the noises of the few who'll be trying to muffle their tears.
Bertolt hates sniffles with a passion.
He hates that he's partly responsible for most of them being here, but mostly he hates that he cares, because he's a warrior on a mission, and he shouldn't. (And if his hands clench every time he hears a hitched breath, he pretends he doesn't notice.)
But he does. It's hard to kill your humanity entirely, entirely too hard – and yet so easy, at times, strangely. But he can deal with the snoring, and deal with the crying, and deal with the sort-of guilt. Persuading yourself not to care is surprisingly easy, and necessity has made him become quite proficient at it.
What he can't deal with is Reiner taking it upon himself to comfort those weaker souls.
"Do you think comforting our victims can ever atone for what we've done?" he wants to ask him. He never does though, he just pretends he's already asleep and they never talk about it. Bertolt hates confrontations anyway; he wouldn't say anything even if Reiner were the one to bring the matter up.
Sometimes he comes close to, though. Sometimes Reiner will gently nudge his shoulder once he returns to his bunk, next to Bertolt's, and say, "It's sad when someone breaks like that." And he means it, so much that Bertolt's glad there's no light and his friend can't see his frown. "At least I'll never have to worry about you breaking down on me, right Bertl?" Reiner will then ask gently, confidently, and all Bertolt can do is mumble an affirmative and go back to pretending to sleep.
He hates nighttime in the barracks.
By the time he falls asleep, that simple affirmation has been running in circles for far too long and he's actually looking forward to the morning.
Because when he wakes up, there's a short moment when he actually forgets, and he's treated to a few blissful seconds before he remembers.
"Crap, we have that topographical mapping exam today," Reiner mutters next to him as he shoves his hands through his jacket's sleeves like it's the clothing's fault.
Bertolt doesn't say anything but sometimes he wonders if that's how Reiner feels all the time – with those short seconds of unawareness gradually stretching into forever.
Ignorance is bliss, they say.
Not when you're the only one who knows, he thinks.
While Bertolt has always worried about Reiner, deep down inside he's always thought he could lean back on him, unreservedly and without hesitation. So until Trost, he hadn't let himself dwell too much on his friend's propensity to play his part a little too well.
But after he's transformed and kicked open the path into Wall Rose, expecting Reiner to be at the ready to smash the inner gate, it's cold dread that settles at the pit of his stomach when he realizes the 104th corps of trainees' second best graduating member is following another set of orders – one given by the very humans they're supposed to annihilate.
"It's just for now, Bertl – we need to let them create more confusion before I take my turn," Reiner assures him quietly once he notices his uneasiness.
Bertolt allows himself to relax, berating himself for giving into panic, and dutifully follows the instructions he receives. The situation goes haywire in no time, just as they'd surmised, and when they're stranded on the rooftops with little gas left, the gnawing worry is back as he wonders what more confusion Reiner is now waiting for.
Annie shrugs her head to the side when he looks at her, and he takes that to mean she has no idea either. "What do we do, Reiner?" she asks anyway in her usual bored tone.
"Let's wait and see how this goes," he replies, and it's hard to say what he's really thinking about.
Bertolt hopes it means they'll let the others go ahead and make their own way to the rear-guard, but then Reiner follows Jean back to the HQ to resupply – the very same HQ that is currently under assault by countless titans. On the outside, he barely blinks as his body automatically moves to follow his friend, but on the inside, he wonders if this is how they're going to die – like humans. And he wonders if maybe that's exactly what Reiner is looking for.
Nothing is in his life has ever scared him more than that thought.
The smell of rotting and burning corpses has forever permeated Bertolt's senses by the time they're gathered around the funeral pyres. He wouldn't go as far as to say that he's unfazed by this – by the dead. But he can rationalize it. In his mind, he can justify it—this is war. And yet Franz and Mina and Mylius and Marco and countless others are dead, and he wonders if he's allowed to care more about certain corpses just because they have names, or if that's another sentiment he'll have to purge himself of. His hand automatically clenches as he hears a sniffle and his eyes trail to the side to settle on Connie as he sits on the ground hugging his knees to his chest. Inwardly, he thinks that it must feel nice sometimes to be able to openly express yourself the way Connie always does.
Reiner crouches down next to him and simply rests his hand on his shoulder, and that seems to be all Connie needs to open up. "It's stupid, you know, because the last time I cried so much I was a kid and it was over something so, so, stupid…!" he blabbers as the tears keep coming.
Reiner just squeezes his shoulder and Bertolt cocks his head to the side, because that's unnecessary, why is Reiner still playing that part?
"I mean it was literally stupid," Connie continues, eyes fixated on the ashes that have fluttered to his boots. "I was ten and my brother Martin lost this toy of mine – a toy soldier. And it was an old toy, it was even broken, but it was mine, and it was all I had, so I just cried!"
Bertolt tenses up as his head snaps from Connie to Reiner at this.
"And I know this is stupid, because why am I thinking about a stupid broken toy when I'm watching my friends burn?" Connie's bordering hysteria now as he grabs his head between his hands.
Sasha crouches down on his other side and wordlessly bumps their shoulders together, and that seems to help.
Reiner relaxes, nods at her, and then looks back up at Jean, who hasn't said a word since his shocking announcement that he'd be joining the scouts. Bertolt can literally see the gears turning in his best friend's head, but he can't bring himself to believe that there's anything to fear. He won't.
So when a few days later Annie approaches him, and not Reiner as she usually would, to ask him to be on lookout while she dispatches the two captured titans, he tells himself she probably couldn't find him and that's it. It's using all his energy to make himself believe, but he's holding onto the hope that it's still all an act.
The three of them are almost there, the Military Policy is within reach, and with it Wall Sina. And at the end of it all, home. He'll do anything to get it back. He knows they all will.
And yet when Erwin Smith informs them of plans to further use Eren's shifting abilities to reclaim Wall Maria, with the goal to access the basement of his old home, he knows that their own plans have just changed. Eren is a complete unknown. No matter what lies in that basement, they can't take any chances. One of them will have to go with the scouts to monitor their findings – or make sure they don't find anything.
"The basement, huh?" Reiner whispers and he looks so optimistic that for a moment Bertolt is afraid he's going to either snap right there or be sick.
When the Commander finishes his speech and his friend stands in place even as most recruits leave, Bertolt can't pretend anymore though and has to admit Reiner can't be trusted to act alone. So he looks back at Annie as she walks off and trusts that she'll be able to handle all aspects of their mission in the inner wall on her own, because he knows he can't leave Reiner now. (He knows he'll never be able to leave Reiner period, but that's beside the point.)
The next time he sees Annie, it's a couple of weeks before the 57th Scouting Expedition, and they agree that Eren is too much of a wild card. Reiner jokingly tells her to go for the ranked officers in priority while she chases Eren, so that it might improve their chances for a promotion.
Bertolt just looks away, but before she leaves, Annie placidly tells him that someone who doesn't realize they're broken can't be fixed as her eyes drill holes in Reiner's back. He doesn't reply anything to that, and he's not sure if it's because he's offended or because he's afraid to admit she's right.
It makes him realize that his only fear used to be being found out, but for a long time now, every time he's been afraid has been for Reiner.
That scares him even more. But then his friend motions for him to follow him back to the barracks quietly, and the look in his eyes is unmistakable, he's the warrior, not the fake soldier, and Bertolt breathes out in relief. It's almost enough to make him forget his fears.
Almost.
Castle Utgard brings them back full force. Because for the first time, he thinks they might actually die, and he's not ready to. Part of him knows he can't hope for a happy ending, not after all the horrors he's caused, but his survival instincts aren't ready to be snuffed just yet, and he wants to live. He knows they've reached the point where transforming could potentially be their only chance to make it out alive, but that has to be their absolute last resort, so until then he does all that he can so that they won't have to make that choice.
Of course, Reiner has other plans. Like rushing head first into danger. Bertolt would laugh if he had the strength left to.
"We'll go back home together, Bertl!" Reiner keeps repeating with that cocky self-confidence.
"Then stop risking your life so much, you stupid oaf!" Bertolt wants to snap back, but he can't, he won't, so he just nods and agrees that they will – because he wants them to, so it's not exactly a lie, right?
But it becomes harder and harder to believe in it when Reiner seems determined to protect every last member of their group, and all Bertolt can do is watch in horror as his friend pushes Connie out of the way and a titan's jaw closes around Reiner's forearm. It sounds cliché, but he really feels like that happened in slow motion. Reiner turns out to be alright, because he's Reiner, he's senseless and suicidal at times but ultimately always alright, but Bertolt can't keep the bitterness and resentment out of his voice as he tells Connie that no, Reiner wasn't always like this.
For a moment he thinks he ought to kiss Ymir (though she'd likely object as much as him) for transforming when she did, because that brought Reiner back for a moment – that pain born of those memories from another life, of another corpse with a name that had been taken from them – that she'd taken from them, visibly. Apparently, it turns out to be a real wake-up call for Reiner, and he gives Bertolt no warning or indication before pulling Eren aside and casually divulging their real identities.
"I'm the Armored titan, and Bertolt is the Colossal titan."
Bertolt likes to think he controls himself well enough, but Reiner has literally just yanked the rug from under his feet and he's been left so disoriented he isn't certain which way is up and which is down anymore. Then the slow motion happens once more as he watches Mikasa impassively cutting Reiner up before turning her other blade on him without wasting a second. Searing pain joins the growing panic and the sickening terror because he knows what she's capable of—is Reiner alright? Is he alive? Thoughts, sounds and images jumble together into his head as his body starts healing itself, steam rising from the wound, and he swallows painfully, feeling like everything is coming from all directions. And he wonders – is this what madness feels like?
But of course Reiner is alright, he should've known better than to worry. Of course Reiner would protect him, stand between Bertolt and danger even with an arm cut off and a blade lodged deep into the other one. It ominously feels like the end, and Bertolt's not sure the reason he feels tears in his eyes is because of the pain or because a chapter of their lives where they'd almost been carefree and happy is being forever closed off.
He almost welcomes it as he transforms – as much as he can, given the state he's in and the pain he feels. He's not even thinking beyond this moment, beyond saving their lives, although he should, because what will they do then? Where can they go? Mind feeling clear enough to know he needs weapons regardless, he grabs a soldier (he makes sure he doesn't know his name though) and swallows him whole to get to his equipment, not allowing himself a moment to feel disgust at the act. He then grabs Ymir, and he doesn't know yet if it's for revenge or because he's afraid of what she might reveal to the others.
Surprisingly – or maybe not so much, all things considered – it's not that hard to convince her to ally herself with them. She truly loves Krista and will do anything to keep her safe, even betray her, and Bertolt can respect that.
But then Reiner's mask slips and suddenly there's that broken soldier again where the warrior should be.
Bertolt has never been a truly violent person. Yes, he's responsible for a lot of death and destruction, he'll never pretend otherwise, but in the end, he's always been the support, not the front-line fighter. And yet today, as Ymir shrewdly reads through the cracks in Reiner's persona, he feels like ripping her to shreds because yes, Reiner is broken, but it's only okay if Bertolt is the one to say it.
Despite himself and without warning, he unexpectedly thinks back on Connie's words at the pyre.
"It was even broken, but it was mine, and it was all I had."
Reiner's all he's ever had. He's broken and Bertolt can't fix him, but he's his.
Suddenly, the fear is gone. It was so simple. He knows what's important – Reiner is important. They're close to their home, they can go back, and it's all that matters. Eren and Ymir are just a bonus at this stage.
Of course that wouldn't last. Of course their friends – ex-friends? Enemies? It's enemies now, isn't it? – wouldn't give Eren up! But how he wishes they would! Fear gnaws at his stomach again and he realizes it isn't only for their own lives anymore, but also because he doesn't want more corpses with names – Armin, Jean, Connie, those names should remain attached to living people! And he has to admit to himself – and to them – that he hadn't been as aloof as he'd convinced himself he was. Because he cares for them. Because joking with them, smiling at them, it had all been genuine.
It hurts. Their voices hurt. They hurt so much Bertolt screams, wanting them to understand, but how could they? They don't know, they could never know! "It wasn't a lie! I really did think of you as friends!" he screams until his voice is hoarse. "That's why I can't see you become corpses, so please, please, give up!" he wants to add, but the words remain stuck in his throat because he knows they're useless: they will never give up.
But neither will he. Even when he's sure the end is there and it's finally time for him to pay for his crimes, he's not ready to go without a fight – not as long as Reiner's by his side.
But Ymir is the one to come to his rescue, surprising as it may be. They escape with their lives, with new bruises, without Eren, and without friends to return to, but alive. The pain is so unbearable Bertolt finds tears clouding his vision once more and for once he doesn't fight them.
Connie might've been onto something after all.
He looks up at Reiner as his friend wordlessly reaches over to rest a hand on his shoulder and give a light squeeze. And from the look in his eyes, he knows that's not an act.
Reiner might be broken, but he's Bertolt's, all he has.
And all he needs.