A/N: Revised this. I realized that I definitely rushed this first part and that I needed to go back and give it a little more of the attention it deserved. D: Sorry about that.

Part [1 of 3

&

"Should I come back to see you?" she had asked me.

I tossed a rock out into the water, barely noticing that it had flown much faster and much farther than I had originally intended. There was a barely audible chinking sound in the distance, of it colliding with something out on the horizon. I vaguely hoped that it wasn't a boat or something.

"Or would you rather I didn't?"

I made a sound, something gruff and short that sounded like an odd, squished combination of a snort and a scoff. When I thought about it, Bella would have laughed at me, probably, had she heard it. It would have launched some argument about who had the more obtrusive lack of manners and inevitably, there would be no winner, but that wouldn't have mattered. I went to toss another rock, but this time all I could manage was to let it plop down noisily about twenty feet away in a herd of waves.

Bella, when she asked me, had only been referring to visiting me while I recovered from saving Leah from the new born vampire, naturally. That was her immediate concern then, making sure I was going to be okay with my physical injuries. Wanting to check on me to see if I was still alive, comfort me, trying in whatever way she could, I suppose, and just generally wanting to lessen some of the damage we'd both inadvertently inflicted on ourselves.

But after she left that day, leaving me to remain in bed with apologies and words of her regretful love that neither one of us could escape, I wondered if there was more to her question.

Was she really only asking if I wanted her to come back over the next few days to check on my broken bones and scrapes? I kicked a stone across the beach, thinking intently and feeling grateful that my thoughts were still private in my human form. I couldn't figure this out.

Was that really all she'd been asking? Or was she talking about something else... alluding to some time farther in the future when it wasn't just broken ribs and a few bumps that she thought needed looking after. Had she been asking that question, with a time frame in mind where my physical vulnerability would be the least of my concerns and I'd be far more distracted with other matters?

Matters, perhaps, like the ones I was most concerned about now, knowing that today was the second anniversary of her transformation. A time frame, like now, I suppose, where all I can bear to think of her as is dead.

Another stone went flying.

I fell down to the rocky sand beneath my feet, sprawling myself across its jagged edges, which merely prickled my back. The sky was still as gray and cloudy from this angle, though I hadn't expected anything different.

It was awful last year. Plain awful. I had sat on the cliff for ages, doing nothing and saying nothing, trying with all my might to think nothing. Allowing yourself to be blank was too easy when you already felt empty.

Granted, it wasn't like that when she first left. When she moved, abandoning Forks and all of its inhabitants before the bloodsucker did his dirty work on her "honeymoon," I didn't say goodbye. I couldn't. She came to La Push, looking for me, knowing that both of us were well aware that it would be the last time we'd meet as two living, breathing beings and I couldn't stand it. It would have killed me.

And so I fled to the woods to escape, not returning even when she came to find me and cried out my name through the trees, having followed me into the darkness in attempt to have one last time together. Part of me wanted to, wanted to run to her more than anything in the entire world. But I wouldn't have been able to let her go. I know that. And so, no matter how many of her tears I heard fall to the ground, I didn't give myself the chance of seeing her, of stopping her.

It was impossible to tune out her cries, my name echoing through the forest from her sobs. I cried too, but it was silent as she wove in and out of the trees, inaudible to her and the rest of the world. What was the point of a goodbye? Would it prove that what I was doing was right, that letting her be with the leech was what would be better for both of us?

What was the point? We both knew she was leaving—why torture ourselves with tears and talk of how we were both sorry that things didn't work out, things that I honestly didn't need any reminders of? I had given up trying to change her mind a very long time before that point, back when I had received the invitation—ugh, the wedding—and I could only resort to waiting for a miracle and trying to stay by her side for as long as I could. I hadn't even planned on going to that stupid thing.

&

Two Years Earlier

"You're not even going?" Leah snarled.

My fingers dug themselves into the dirt, burrowing little holes into the ground beside me, but aside from that, I didn't show any sign of having heard her.

"After all that crap about the invitation? What with you running off into the woods to hide for a month?" Leah scoffed. "Why'd you even come back now, if you're only just going to sit around and mope in front of all of us?"

I stared at the water.

Leah scoffed again, laughing derisively. "That's what I thought," she said, and walked away.

I sat there quietly for awhile longer, my fingertips still lost in the miniature craters they had dug themselves into as I felt oddly reminiscent of a time month before, when we had been in these same exact locations discussing the same damn thing. Before Leah came and interrupted, I had been trying to make myself understand some things, and now I couldn't think straight about anything. Not even the idea of launching Leah off the cliff entertained me.

But she had a point. An unbelievable feat that I would never think of again (especially during transformation) lest she realize it and bring it upon herself to intensify her already over-inflated egocentric attitude, but a fact that was a considerable point, nonetheless.

I really didn't know why I chose to come back now, of all times. I don't know why I chose to turn around at that particular moment in the woods, turn around by that certain tree, turn aback at that exact second, and run back to La Push yesterday… I didn't even know that the wedding was so soon. Truth is, attending this ridiculous thing today would make everything seem more… official. It would be one more slice of permanence of her being lost to me forever. She wouldn't be my Bella anymore. She wouldn't be Bella at all.

I leaned back onto the ground, rubbing my closed eyes with the heels of my hands. When I opened them, the sun's stinging rays glared down at me, burning and blurring my vision. I scowled back at it, the annoying thing, before sitting up sharply and turning my own glare elsewhere.

Her personal sun, I remembered. That's what she had called me.

Ha.

I crossed my arms, resting them on my knees as I tried to make up my mind. There was no point in going to it. My scowl deepened as my logic continued on. Absolutely none. It would be a waste of my time, in fact. I already know what's going to happen, so what if I didn't actually care to see it play out horrifically before my eyes?

The sun continued to glare at me, burning into my already burning skin. I turned to the side. I wasn't going, I decided, as a breeze whipped my hair into my eyes. I shook away my hair absentmindedly, only to have the breeze whip it back into place. Unable to contain my low growl of frustration, I shook my head again, more fiercely than before and slapped it away with my hand. It had grown out to my shoulders during the month that I'd been away and I was beginning to think that the longer strands had overstayed their welcome.

I stood up, heading towards the direction of the house and was already beginning to wonder where the scissors had gone to when I suddenly remembered why the annoying hair had gotten so long in the first place. I stopped walking, pausing to reach up and move a clump of hair out in front of my eyes.

I was growing my hair out because… it seemed like you liked it better long.

My hand tightened around the dark clump of hair, so tight that it was lucky that I didn't just pull it out by the roots. I should just go in and chop it all off now, I decided. Shave it off to the shortest my hair could go and never let it flow freely again. I had taken three steps in pursuit of the scissors when I stopped again, to examine my hair a second time. The breeze moved the strands quietly between my fingers and I could almost hear Bella's voice in the wind, telling me that my decisions shouldn't be based off something as silly as her. Really, Jake, she would have said, laughing at me. It's just hair. You don't need me to decide what to do with it.

I didn't know where it came from. I wasn't even sure if it made sense. All I knew was that I thought I heard Bella's voice, clearly in the wind. I looked around instinctively, half-expecting her to be standing behind me. Before I could stop it, my mind had created a vision of Bella sprinting along the line of trees in a dirty wedding gown, her hair having fallen down from the rush to see me, to tell me that she couldn't marry Edward, that she couldn't leave me, and that it was me that she would be with forever. But of course, even before I looked up, I knew that wasn't true.

My hand dropped to my side again, but this time I didn't make a move for the house. Instead, I turned to the sky, trying to measure the exact placement of the sun. I assumed that it was only just a little past noon…

Without warning, I turned and raced in the other direction. When I reached the edge of the trees, I shed my ripped jeans, just barely taking the time to make sure that they were securely attached to the band on my ankle and with one giant leap, I transformed, continuing on in a sprint. This was against all of my better judgment, I realized, but now my questionable logic was aided in my animalistic instincts, something I was not about to ignore.

When I arrived, I slowly made my way toward the designated area, making sure to stay silent… I wanted to remain hidden among the trees and well out of sight. As I approached, I wondered if that bloodsucker could smell me yet. I frowned, feeling my long, heavy mouth fall into an unpleasant position. With my enhanced vision, I could just barely make out his form, standing at the front in a hideous black tuxedo that made his filthy white skin burn my eyes from the contrast. He didn't give any indication of having noticed my presence as he watched some little unfamiliar girl skip down the aisle, shedding petals as she went, but I was positive that he knew I was there.

My eyes raked through the set up with immediate dislike. All biases aside, it was obvious that Bella'd had no part in any of it, especially not the rose sculptures which rivaled the size of Sam in his wolf form. It was ridiculous, how wrong this was for Bella—she would want something simpler, something less flamboyantly conspicuous and more modestly elegant. I didn't want to admit it, but the psychic had at least understood Bella's need for the outdoors, and did manage to have it take place outside. But Bella would have wanted a sunnier day—at a beach perhaps, possibly down at La Push. Bella would have wanted less people to be there, for there to be less of a commotion. She would have wanted—

I paused. I knew Bella. I knew exactly what she wanted and how she wanted it. I knew it more than she did. I knew it because what Bella wanted was everything I wanted. All except for one tiny detail.

For her to spend the rest of her life with me.

I was about to leave, suddenly finding it hard to swallow with such a deep, fur-coated throat, and made as if I was going to turn around when I heard it: the hymn that had every pair of eyes within hearing range turn towards the end of the aisle.

I paused mid-step to look back and see Charlie come into view, looking both inconceivably overjoyed and mildly annoyed simultaneously, the latter especially when he turned to face the groom at the altar. Something inside of me screamed to leave then, while I still had the chance, to just run and run and run away, but I didn't.

There she was. My lungs, which had been full of air a moment before, deflated instantaneously. My frown transformed into a gaping expression of unadulterated shock and my dark eyes suddenly ran dry from my newly acquired inability to blink. It was obvious how nervous she was, having all of those eyes watching her and her alone. Through the misty haze of my non-functioning brain, I realized with a small laugh that she was probably doing everything in her power to keep from stumbling. A small blush began to plague her cheeks as she took in the hordes of people surrounding her, to whom she offered a tentative smile. She uttered a small, nervous laugh and I was lost. There were no words.

I sat down on the leaves, enraptured in the process of her slow walk down the aisle. Even just seeing her so dressed up, it was... unnatural. Prom was the only time I could think of where she even remotely looked like this and even that seemed completely insignificant in comparison. At prom, Bella was, well, sort of beautiful, as I had thought then. But now, she… well, she glowed.

I watched the proceedings in a daze, only catching bits and pieces of sentences that I didn't quite understand. After Charlie released her at the altar, I couldn't focus on anything else but her. From the way she stared intently at the man speaking to the way she shifted from foot to foot, a sure sign of her anxiety of having to be up at the center of attention for so long, I was positive. Only Bella could be worried about clumsiness when doing nothing but standing absolutely still, I thought, with a smile. Again, my mouth felt heavy.

And suddenly, the bloodsucker and she turned towards one another. It took me a moment for my mind to register the change, but I wished I hadn't, as soon as it sunk in. The bloodsucker's voice, sickeningly smooth, rang clearly: "I do."

The man began speaking again and I stood up, leaning towards the clearing head of me. I could hear every word that was released from his mouth, but none of them made any sense. I continued staring at Bella, who only saw him.

The man stopped speaking, waiting for Bella to answer. For a second, I was sure that she wasn't going to, that she would shake her head and apologize and walk back down the aisle in her flowing gown and find her obnoxious truck, which would take her back to La Push. But instead, she only smiled.

"I do."

The man said something else, but it was unintelligible. I remained frozen, my muscles still taut as I crouched over in strict attention to the proceedings, but when they leaned in to close the ceremony in the most traditional of manners, I jerked my body around in the opposite direction, tearing through the forest and leaving the cheers and applause behind.

My throat burned the entire way back, but I never once let up my pace. I needed to get away, get back to La Push, to anywhere, just to try to pretend that things hadn't actually happened, that my Bella wasn't—she wasn't—that she wasn't currently Bella Cullen. The thought made my body shake, screaming to release its murderous beast, despite my newly-acquired, stronger sense of self-control.

I shook my head roughly as I ran, growling at the trees, and sped up as I reached the La Push territory. I raced past the cliff, past the house, past the beach and off deeper into the forest. It appeared that Sam had had common sense enough to forbid anyone to phase, for which I was grateful, but the thanks was short-lived as I found an empty cave at the top of a mountain. I circled trees for hours, growling and tearing down branches periodically, sporadically, brutally. I didn't realize when it had become dark.

I don't remember how long I had been running through the woods before I heard her voice call out through the forest. She sounded terrified, desperate, and at once I wanted to run down to her, to protect her from danger, but… I hesitated.

"Jacob!" she screamed, her voice breaking. "Please, Jacob!" I thought I heard a sob.

I raised my front paw a few inches, prepared to move at any given moment, but still, I could not go to her.

She probably just changed out of her wedding dress, I imagined. Her hair might still be set in place, up in the soft and shining style I saw her walk down the aisle in, hours ago. Her face could still be radiant from the activities of the day, her face glowing in the beginning of the moon's glittering rays. Her lips may be swollen from the—

No. I couldn't handle it. What difference was it going to make, whether or not I was there when she left? My wide nostrils flared and I turned away sharply, exhaling loudly into the cold air. She was going to leave anyway, whether or not I was there to say goodbye. I wasn't that important.

"Jacob!" She screamed. "Jake, where are you?"

We both knew she was leaving, what she would become… another final meeting wasn't necessary. Why bother? I wondered. What difference will it make? A low growl rumbled in the back of my throat. I knocked down a tree with my front left paw.

"Jacob?" she called again, louder this time, though it sounded no closer. I could sense her near the edge of the forest, wandering around aimlessly in some dim hope of finding me. "Jacob, please, I need to see you!"

I shut my eyes against her voice. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I can't, Bella.

"Jacob!" She sounded like she was on the verge of hysteria. "Jacob, please!"

It would kill me.

"Jake!" It was as if I could hear her tears falling to the ground. "Jacob!"

I shook my head frantically, running off to tear down another tree to stop myself from howling.

"Please!" She was sobbing harder.

No, Bella, don't you understand, you stupid girl? I sliced the tree in half. I can't—I can't come down—I wouldn't be able to let you go. Don't you see that? The tree began to vaguely resemble woodchips. You idiot, just go—just leave before I make sure that you can't—Bella, just leave, dammit!

"Jacob!" she sobbed. "Jacob, please, I just—" It was getting harder to hear her. "I'm sorry, I just want to—oh God, please, Jacob!"

Just leave, Bella. You made your decision.

"Jacob!"

And I've made mine.

"Jacob!"

And now we both have to live with it.

"Jacob, please!" She screamed. "Jacob, I need to talk to you—Jacob, this could be it, the last time I—please, come down!" Her sobs broke through the trees. "Jacob!"

But I'd stopped listening.

&

Present

That night is still a little hazy to me. When she finally gave up, after who knows how long, I crawled into the cave and transformed back into my human self, releasing everything into its depths. My screams reverberated off its walls, my fist graced its form with new cracks and dents. My agony filled its entire volume and spread into the darkness as my tears washed away its dirt. My loss saturated its cold air.

I didn't leave for a few days. I don't remember much about that time, just knowing with an unfathomable sense of unbearable certainty that Bella was somewhere out there, at that exact moment, feeling a different kind of pain. A sort of pain where all of her life was leaving her body, being replaced by filthy, bloodsucker venom and poisoned with evil. I told myself I could have stopped it, I might have been able to save her, had I only just told her goodbye and tried to change her mind, but I knew that is was a lie. She really did belong to the bloodsucker now. For eternity.

Bella was no more.

When I did emerge from the cave, it was awhile before I spoke to anyone again. I found that my control slipped away more easily than ever and I avoided my brothers and sisters, if only to spare them the anger I couldn't help but unleash upon them. Anger wasn't the word for it. Pissed wasn't the word for it. There wasn't one.

They gave me time, patiently waiting for my rage to subside, even upholding the treaty with the bloodsuckers after their broken promise, so as to let me cope without distraction. I was even more furious at first, but couldn't bear to leave my isolation. Eventually, I stopped transforming when the others had, not because I didn't want them to hear my thoughts, but because I didn't want to hear theirs. Leah's voice, which never stopped ringing in my head, was already bad enough.

Time to move on, boy.

I could have killed her every time I thought of it.

The worst part was that it took me forever to fully realize what I was angry at—specifically—of course I knew I had every right to be furious, but… I hated everything. I hated the world in general, for beings so screwed up... for wreaking so much havoc in such a small town and with such innocent lives, for one. The bloodsuckers, of course, for ruining everything I'd ever loved. Especially Edward, whose name I couldn't so much as think of thinking about without destroying something for many months.

But I felt that there was more than that, like every time I struck something, it wasn't just the bloodsucker or some impenetrable force working its eccentric plan over us that I wished I was hurting… I shuddered to think that it might be Bella, but as time passed, I realized that it was exactly her who my fury was directed the most at. The bloodsucker tricked her, seduced her into wanting a shadow of a life, but it was Bella who agreed to it, who allowed herself to be sucked into his disgusting grasp and then furthermore, allowing herself to become addicted. She was strong enough to resist, but the prospects he placed in front of her made her grow weak, until she was finally gone.

But still, that was nothing compared to the anger I had felt for myself. An anger that not even my hatred for the bloodsuckers could compete with.

It was months before my fury dissipated. It went gradually, step by step, until I was able to start considering myself somewhat back to normal again. I wasn't going to be like Bella, I told myself. I wasn't going to stay attached or addicted to someone who may never return. I had loved Bella, loved her more than anything, but I wasn't going to allow her absence to ruin my life. I was stronger than Bella, I realized, as I shifted away from my longing and resentment and started looking back to the other aspects of my life. Things that I had long ago forgotten.

The pack welcomed me back immediately, though remained cautious for awhile. I understood their wariness, but gave them no reason to concern themselves over my well-being. With every strip of anger being peeled away from inside me, a smooth block of ice formed in its stead.

My thoughts of her grew less frequent as the days went by and soon I was mostly preoccupied with thoughts of graduation, of perfecting my knowledge as a mechanic, and wrestling with Quil and Embry. I could smile and laugh again and everything was okay. It was only on certain nights, if I passed by the cliff or our tree, that I might feel a pang of remorse, something that I quickly squashed.

It came time then, as I continued on moving toward greater things in life, that I began to feel nothing for her altogether. It was a hard task, numbing myself, but I accomplished a lot in a short amount of time, ignoring memories of her and forcing myself to forget whatever feelings of joy she had given me. I had grown so strong that not even Charlie could arouse my sadness. Not even when he informed my family that he had received another e-mail from her, talking about the wonders of Dartmouth or how she was apologizing for another postponed visit. She'd changed me. My control was unbelievable.

But what now?

"Let me know if you want me to come back, and I'll be here," she had promised, the last day I ever truly spoke to her.

She was coming back.

But I didn't want her to.

I was through. I had rid myself of everything when she left and the last thing I needed was for her to return and try to create it all again, reigniting whatever mess she had left me in. I looked at Bella as an experience, a lesson. She taught me how to survive, how to control myself, and how to rid myself of the dangerous feelings I knew would hurt me. I didn't hate her—no, never hate—but I wasn't angry with her anymore either. That had died long ago, with all of the other emotion I had stored for her.

It seemed, however, that she needed to visit Charlie in Forks for once, especially since she had only seen him a few short times over the past two years. Charlie had explained those reunions as particularly odd, as she always seemed to be in the midst of a cold whenever he arrived at Dartmouth, but his happiness at seeing her always overpowered his curiosity. Billy and I never felt the need to clarify the peculiarity of her situation for him.

I picked up another stone, lazily tossing it from my spot on the ground. I wasn't even sure if it made it to the water this time. I sighed, suddenly thinking back to my current question at hand. Was she secretly asking me about this as well? My face contorted into a scowl, though I think it might have been more curious than irritated. Will she try to face me now?

I tried to imagine a white figure before me, resembling Bella but never able to truly be her, standing erect and regal and emanating such a repulsive scent that my nose would burn from the proximity. Her alabaster face would glow with death, beautiful and serene, her strangely-colored eyes shining in ways that were beyond surreal.

The image was horrifying.

For a brief second, I felt sick. I thought my stomach was going to suddenly heave all of its contents out onto the sandy beach and that someone had just submerged my head in the water. One second I was all curled up, doubling over on my side and grimacing against the pain and the next, I was normal, my brief lapse of control coming quickly to an end.

Taking a deep breath, I stood, feeling the energy around me surge with heat as I released my thoughts. It was only a second before I could picture her again, cold and dead and in front of me, without any emotion.

"There," I said, to myself, smiling smugly in satisfaction. "Come on and visit, bloodsucker." My smirk turned dark. "There's nothing you can do to me anymore."