Gotanda Nights
In which there is comeuppance.
For my co-conspirator, Intra-Fiducia ;)
It started with a rerun.
Despite Can I Destroy Earth? Returns! tragically short run and early cancellation (and subsequent investigation by the SEIO), it proved popular enough to warrant a weekly showing in a late-night timeslot on a reasonably popular channel.
As it happened, one episode's showing coincided with a late night at a major Cosmowood production studio. One of the oldest and most senior producers at the studio had one eye on a mountain of scripts, looking for the next big thing, and another on the TV in the corner of his office (he was a chameleon so he could do that), where an early episode of CIDER played.
The chameleon didn't have much love for CIDER. It was nothing more than another one of Hireashi's pet projects, and had gone completely off the rails with its focus on the Earth inhabitants. The point of the show was to destroy Earth, not weave a soap opera. But he had to admit that the dubbing studio had done a phenomenal job—especially in the casting of Battle Lover Cerulean. The chameleon had had his eye on ＠#(*＠# the fish-like $#＠(#$*, star of galactic primetime, for a long time now. Those soulful eyes, those sleek scales, that raw talent! Cosmowood's oldest and most senior producer would have loved nothing more than a chance to work with ＠#(*＠# one day, and make him shine like the star he truly was.
But since ＠#(*＠# the fish-like $#＠(#$* wasn't on screen, CIDER only had half his attention. The chameleon couldn't care less about Hireashi's underling or the three humans he'd commanded, and there were only so many times one could watch the same old scene of them possessing a—wait, what was that?
The chameleon lunged at his remote hitting pause at the critical moment where the minion had one of his needles in the air. He'd never noticed it before, but there was writing on it! The chameleon put on his glasses on to get a better look.
"I want to protect the Earth —Zundar Needle"
That was what the needle said. Why would Hireashi's devoted lackey and planet destroy co-conspirator have that written on his needles? Was it a trick? Something meaningless for detail-oriented viewers to pick out?
The chameleon licked his lips. No, there were no such things as meaningless details in this business.
He slid the pile of scripts off his desk and picked up his phone.
A meeting was called to order.
Cosmowood's brightest and most prolific minds sat in a lounge in one of Gotanda planet's finest hotels, flipping through the provided proposal as the chameleon stood the podium, proudly scanning both sides of the room at once.
"I like it," purred the lynx, "This could very well be the next best thing."
"You've a good eye for detail, sir," the platypus tipped his hat in approval, "There's only one thing I would add. Motivation. Why would Zundar, Hireashi's loyal follower, want to abort his mission and protect the Earth instead?"
"I'm glad you asked," the chameleon tapped his rolled up magazine against the podium, "And that, dear colleagues, is why I've gathered you here. Before we can make this proposal a reality, we'll need a motive."
"Well here's one," the hippo sipped her cocktail, "Have you ever had a chance to see the bonus features on the CIDER red-rays? Namely the "Inside a Conqueror's Quarters" feature?"
"Ah yes, that was a good one," the goose, a well-known professor of Earth studies (and rumored board member of SEIO), adjusted his spectacles, "I have little respect for Hireashi's work, but that feature was truly a valuable research contribution for the Earth Research Committee. Why, just the other day—
He was interrupted by a rattle. "Excuse me, Doctor," the rattlesnake raised her tail, "I have never seen any of the CIDER bonus features. Before your story, could you please share its contents with the rest of us?" There were several murmurs of agreement.
"My apologies, my dear," the goose replied, "It was a bonus feature on the third release that showed how Zundar lived as a guest of Chevalier Aurite. We at the Earth Research Committee had no idea that the Earthlings possessed such high standards of living and such beautiful architecture for their homes."
"The way I see it," the hippo downed her drink, "Zundar was living the high life down there. That's all the reason he needs to betray Hireashi and devote himself to protecting the Earth."
The chameleon considered this, but shook his head. "Yes, but that makes for a terrible story and an unlikable protagonist. We want the viewers to sympathize with Zundar, to truly make them believe that he wants to protect the Earth and all of its inhabitants. And we need something fresh, as well. Doctor, you are a connoisseur of Earth culture. Tell us, what sort of storytelling methods do the Earthlings use to fuel a story like this?
The goose considered it for a moment. "Well, I believe the death of a family member is a major motivator for the humans. It is quite common in their cinema to have characters looking for their father's killers."
"I see, very dramatic, very sad. I like it!" the chameleon exclaimed, "Any other ideas?"
"I've one," the platypus clicked his teeth, "Didn't Hireashi have that fling with that cabaret singer once? What if we set up a love triangle of sorts. Zundar is engaged to the cabaret girl, but Hireashi snatches her away. The target demographic for this film according to this proposal will be young women, and the ladies love that sappy stuff." The hippo and rattlesnake agreed.
"If I may make a suggestion though," the lynx, a three-time Skolsky award winning director, said, "A good technique is to have a bit of parallelism in the story. We all know CIDER's main draw—besides the promised planet destruction, I mean—the tragic tale of two friends falling apart. Why not have that at the heart of Zundar's story as well. He and ×＠▲＊■×, former friends driven apart by Hireashi's treachery. Aurite was a hit with viewers for this; Zundar should be as well."
"Oh I see, I see," the chameleon considered it.
"Hold on, that'll just be too similar to CIDER," the hippo objected, "No one wants a rehashed plot."
"As if love triangles aren't rehashed?" the lynx retorted icily, "No one wants to sit through that stuff."
"I concur. Earth texts tell us that romantic endeavors are often subject of harsh criticism by the masses," the goose added, "Since this movie centers around Earth, we should use a motive that pays tribute to Earth culture. We should kill Zundar's father."
"Er, hold on a moment," the chameleon quickly tried to restore order but the arguing continued. He turned to the last member of the conference pleadingly. The final member nodded.
"Ahem," said the elephant in the room, "How about this…"
The announcement trailer aired some time later.
At the history compilation office of TV Universe's studio, on a planet overshadowed by Gotanda, Hireashi and Zundar were hard at work compiling history, blissfully unaware of what the brightest and most prolific minds of Cosmowood had in store for them.
Things had not been good for them since their return from Earth. SEIO's investigation into the studio meant that the bigwigs had to quickly wash their hands of any involvement in the project, and Hireashi and Zundar turned into their scapegoats. Naturally, this turned into getting blacklisted from most studios, but Hireashi's reputation (and the unexpected popularity of CIDER) at least let them keep their jobs, albeit behind-the-scenes, rather than at any actual projects. That of course, came with a pay cut, leaving Hireashi with no choice but to sell his apartment on Gotanda, and look for cheaper real estate on other planets.
Despite all of that though, Hireashi and Zundar had no regrets. Short lived as it was, CIDER was their greatest project, and Kinosaki's suggestion to shift the marketing angle to the Battle Lovers kept the series relevant. The fanbase was strong and lively, and since the Battle Lovers did not fall under the list of things that offended the Space Ethics Improvement Organization (it helped immensely that one of their own was the team's founder), the studio was allowed to keep cashing in on their popularity (and naturally, Hireashi still got a decent cut of the profits). No, if there was one regret, it was the existence of that atrocious dub. Hireashi was appalled when he'd first heard it. Those idiots at the studio actually cast that talentless ＠#(*＠# the fish-like $#＠(#$* as the fan favorite Cerulean. It was downright insulting!
And then, one night, after a long tedious day, Zundar and Hireashi made themselves comfortable in Hireashi's basement office, and turned on the TV. Some popular night time serial had just cut for commercial when they saw it.
It began with clips of CIDER, scenes of Zundar launching his needles. Then a close up of one of the needles, the inspirational writing on full display.
"What was the real meaning behind those words?" said the narrator in that captivating narrator's voice, "Was he really out to destroy Earth?"
"NO!" yelled a green hedgehog who bore a remarkable resemblance to Zundar if one had never met him, "I can't go along with this any longer!"
"Or was he another victim of one man's ambitions?"
The fake Zundar stood up shakily, surrounded by flames. "Lord Hireashi," his snout twitched, "Your treachery ends here!"
The flames parted, revealing stylized text. The narrator read the words.
"Jinchun in Behind the Needle: The untold history of Zundar. Coming soon to a theater near you."
The commercial ended and Zundar and Hireashi stared at the screen, jaws on the ground and eyes wide as saucers. Hireashi switched off the TV.
"I… I… I didn't really see that just now. Did I, Chief?" Zundar asked shakily.
"N-no, of course not," Hireashi assured him, "Surely entertainment standards haven't fallen this low."
"Y-yes, of course. What was I thinking!"
The laughed hastily for a moment before throwing themselves at Hireashi's laptop to look up this Behind the Needle nonsense.
It was real.
"I don't believe this," Zundar said in a small voice. "To think they'd make a movie… where I betray you!" Hireashi grimaced but placed a supportive fin on his employee's back.
"There, there Zun-chan," he said, "I'm sure this is just some sort of publicity stunt. I know you wouldn't do that." There was one thing bothering him though. "But why do your needles say that?"
"I have no clue," Zundar admitted, mystified, "I never even noticed it! I can't think of any good things on backwards planet."
Hireashi raised a brow, unconvinced. Zundar's whiskers fell.
"Well, I suppose, I did enjoy some things. Aurite was a most gracious host. Daily baths in a teacup, shoulder massages, the best wines on Earth… not to mention that gorgeous cage he'd gotten for me. It was bigger than this entire studio!"
"Yeah, you had a real good thing there, Zun-chan," Hireashi chose the footage for the "Inside a Conqueror's Quarters" segment himself. He knew all about Zundar's housing arrangements.
"But I would never betray you, even for that!" Zundar insisted, "And why was I calling you "Lord" in that trailer? I've never called you that, Chief, and don't intend to. No offense."
"None taken," Hireashi rubbed his chin, "That actor they picked out for you though. Looks just like you."
"Please do not say that, sir," Zundar said sadly.
"Oh? You know 'im?"
"We went to the same film academy. I was always being mistaken for him." Hireashi suspected there was a long, deep complex behind that, but he didn't need to know. He didn't want to upset his little protégé further.
"Don't look so glum, on the off chance that this train wreck gets anywhere, now he'll get mistaken for you!" Hireashi offered, "In the meantime, think of it as a silver lining that they're at least putting care into their casting choices."
"THEY CAST WHO AS ME!? THIS IS SLANDER! DEFAMATION! ABUSE OF POWER! NOW THOSE SONS OF FISHES HAVE CROSSED THE LINE! Ready my spaceship, Zun-chan! We're going to Gotanda planet!"
On Gotanda Planet, ＠#(*＠# the fish-like $#＠(#$*, star of galactic primetime, was in the middle of a live interview. All around him cameras flashed, and fans shrieked whenever his soulful eyes looked their way. The interviewer, a lovely young cat, couldn't stop purring whenever the slits on his sleek scaled cheeks flapped.
"Next question," she batted her eyelashes, "We've all heard about your longstanding feud with CIDER's director, Hireashi. How do you feel about suddenly being cast as him for your long awaited cinematic debut?"
＠#(*＠# the fish-like $#＠(#$*'s dark eyes were like black holes, threatening to suck the interviewer in with their beautiful depth.
"To call it a longstanding feud is perhaps going a bit far," he said, "Hireashi is a perfectionist, and his project Can I Destroy Earth? Returns! was his grand return to primetime television. Of course, it's understandable that he would disagree with some of the dubbing decisions made."
"Yes, but your performance as Battle Lover Cerulean was considered to be the high point of the entire production!" the interviewer reminded him, "To say your acting was '#* $# and # **! #(**) ..." Her words were censored due to broadcasting standards. The crowd yelled out their outraged comments at Hireashi's slander.
"Now, now," perhaps it was their imagination, but something seemed to flicker in ＠#(*＠#'s soulful eyes, "I am a professional. I can accept that my performance would not please everyone. And I assure you, this silly "feud", as you say, has no bearing on my decision to play Hireashi in this production."
There was a glint in ＠#(*＠#'s eye as he focused on one particular point in the crowd (to several fangirls' great ecstasy ). "I promise, I will make this a memorable performance!"
Deep, deep in that particular point in the crowd, Zundar bit Hireashi's tail to keep him from lunging forward. Hireashi still flipped ＠#(*＠# off with his fin. To Zundar's relief, none of the fangirls noticed it.
"That son of a carp knows we're here," Hireashi scowled, adjusting his sunglasses (made with highly advanced identity-concealing technology), "He'll make a mockery of me on purpose."
"N-now, now Chief," Zundar (a huge fan ＠#(*＠# himself, not that Hireashi would ever know it) said, "Surely he wouldn't sabotage his own career like that."
"What sabotage? He's young, handsome and popular. He could put zero effort in and still be the apple of the fans' eyes." Zundar had trouble disagreeing with this. While he agreed with Hireashi that ＠#(*＠# didn't fully capture Cerulean's essence (Zundar having met the real thing), he still greatly enjoyed ＠#(*＠#'s performance, in part because it was ＠#(*＠#'s performance.
"But, you're working to put an end to this, aren't you, Chief?"
Hireashi just grumbled under his breath.
Later, at the film's premiere, Zundar finally learned what had happened.
Hireashi had made several phone calls and in-person visits to the studio to try and shut the project down. He'd made it very clear that he did not approve of this production and pushing a release without his consent was a violation of space ethics and his right to privacy.
He got laughed straight out of Cosmowood.
So despite all attempts at the contrary, the film was released, and Zundar and Hireashi made their way to the theater nearest them on opening night. (They weren't even invited to the official premiere. Cosmowood bastards!)
The movie was… bad.
By the time the credits finally rolled around, Hireashi's fins were shaking and Zundar was pulling out his needles from the stress. They stayed in their seats, long after everyone else had gone, trying to gather their thoughts.
"I don't believe it," Zundar whimpered.
"That rotten…"
"They killed my father."
"Oh it was memorable all right!"
"And stole my fiancée. I never even had a fiancée!"
"So I said his performance back then sucked. It did!"
"And they made me friends with… with…"
"Hamming it up like that! What is he, a pig?"
"I have no reason to keep on living!"
"Oh stop crying, and come on! We have work to do."
"And the real Zundar… is a cool, composed adult… not the wimpy bucket of angst… the movie makes him out… to be!" Zundar wrote and clicked submit with extreme prejudice, his snout twitching in triumph.
"That makes twenty-four, Chief," he raised his glass of wine in salute. Hireashi looked up from his own laptop and rolled his eyes.
"Twenty-four? Oh that's cute. I'm already up to thirty-eight. Keep working!" the fish snapped and crossed out another email from his list.
"Of course, sir!" Zundar clicked the "create account" button and set about to making his next account to bring down Behind the Needle's Rotten Potatoes score.
Against all odds, fans and critics alike adored the film. ＠#(*＠#'s performance especially captured their hearts, and all over the galactic web were praises of his "unusually moving performance" and "stunning intensity of those soulful dark eyes". Jinchun's performance drew a bit of criticism but most critics agreed that he'd done an excellent job at such a complex role; he was merely overshadowed by ＠#(*＠#'s striking Hireashi.
Hireashi and Zundar were having none of that! They would bring down that Rotten Potatoes score if they had to make billions of accounts to do it!
They were forced to take a break a few hours later.
"How do they do it?" Zundar shook his head, browsing the movie forums, "For every bad review we post, five adoring ones take its place."
"Fangirls," Hireashi spat, "Troublesome bunch."
"I don't understand this at all," Zundar said, "It was a terrible movie. You killed my father, stole my fiancée and drove a wedge between me and the pink rodent? Isn't that just over the top?"
"Eh, it could've been worse," Hireashi shrugged. As far as he was concerned, that was the least of the movie's problems.
"How so?"
"You know that big dramatic scene towards the end where you were all "You killed my father!"?"
"Yes?"
"I was fully expecting ＠#(*＠# to go "No, I am your father!"."
Zundar shuddered.
"You're right. It could have been worse."
If the critical success of Behind the Needle and all the awards the production team was getting wasn't enough torture, the fan reaction only added to their misery. Per Hireashi's orders, Zundar kept tabs on all press releases and internet activity. Most of it was fangirls gushing over ＠#(*＠# as Hireashi, and commenting on what a misunderstood soul he was before the stern whims of his production team got to him. It would have been amusing, if it hadn't been about them.
Zundar would spend long hours at his desk in Hireashi's office, at his computer, drowning wine glass after wine glass as he conducted his research. Then he stumbled upon something that made him turn a new shade of green.
Hireashi watched curiously as he tottered over to the liquor cabinet and took out a shot glass and the good stuff.
He'd discovered the shipping forums.
Sometime later, there was a phone call.
"Hello, this is Hirea—oh, hey, it's been ages! …Yeah, he's here. Zun-chan, it's for you."
"Hello?"
"SON. Did you have anything to do with my death?"
"What?! Dad, what are you –
"I know we've had some problems in the past, but to think that you would go this far…"
"Dad, wait, it's not like –
"Your mother is very upset. You know what she's like when she's upset. Her snout goes all twitchy."
"I can explaaaaaaaain…"
In the weeks that followed, Behind the Needle continued to be an absolute success, ＠#(*＠# bought a new apartment on Gotanda Planet, Zundar's dad started looking into family therapy, and Hireashi's liquor supply rapidly dwindled.
"On the other hand," Hireashi mused, "Thanks to that flounder's popularity and the fangirls acting like I'm some innocent victim of circumstance, I've had some success pitching shows to independent studios."
"My sincerest congratulations," Zundar raised his glass, "And despite the whole "my dad thinks I killed him for drama" thing, I've been able to spend some time with my parents… they're good people."
"That's the spir—
The spirit was broken by a sudden ring of the telephone. Hireashi's smile instantly fell, and he answered it with a harsh, "What is it?" followed by a falsely cheerful, "Oh, Mr. Station Director! Always a pleasure… What's that?...Oh."
A chill went through Zundar's needles as he watched Hireashi's eye twitch and scowl grow with every word from his boss.
"…Yes, wonderful. Toodles." Hireashi slammed the phone down with all the strength in his fins. "Wonderful."
"Do I dare ask?" Zunder moved his shot glass closer, just in case.
"Behind the Needle is going to be shown… on Earth."
AN: Thanks for reading!
This fic is the product of a back and forth I had with Intra-Fiducia on Tumblr regarding the writing on Zundar's needles as revealed by the Boueibu fanbook. Things escalated in a very fun way!
Also: ×＠▲＊■× = Wombat. That's the spelling from the novel ;)
(...Wow. Thanks to the way Wombat's real name is spelled, I was able to circumvent the fact the FF does not the at symbol. It doesn't recognized the "＠" in Wombat's real name! So I was able to spell ＠#(*＠# the fish-like $#＠(#$*'s name correctly! Yay!)
I hope this was as fun for you to read as it was to write! :D