Ryker: ... I'm sorry... I just wrote this and ahhhhhh angst angst angst. I would like to say that parts of this are accurate depictions of how my panic attacks work. Also, Wolfie is a little OOC but hey, we can only try. ALSO the summary is utter shit but how else do I describe this story?
The title is after a song by Jason Walker called Shouldn't Be A Good In Goodbye
Leave a review to tell me how my stress writing is! and if I should make more of this sort of story or even a spin off of what happens after this whole thing!
Day One Without Yuuri:
I was still in stage one of the million stages in letting someone go.
Denial.
My mind swirled over the fact that I never got to tell him how I felt. He saved my life at the cost of his own, my stupid pathetic life for his beautiful bountiful life. He saw past that selfish brat front I use to block out reality and he noticed the real me deep down.
Why couldn't he love me? Is there something wrong with me?
That must be it, he would never hate me unless I was pure darkness with a pretty face. Yet, who even cares about the tragedy that is Wolfram von Bielefeld, the only one in his entire bloodline that can't get a single person to love him.
I laid on his bed curled around his satin blue pajamas. The soft fabric pressed tight against my face as the aroma of him still clung to the clothes. Sweet jade and lavender, he always used to reek of that and I hated it, but now I miss it more than ever. My body trembled in mental agony from the loss of what wasn't mine.
I heard everyone outside that knocked on the door to check if I still had a pulse. They said, "You should get out of here." But I couldn't bring myself to move.
Day Three Without Yuuri:
I've stayed cooped up in his room for so long that some presumed me as dead. The only comfort I received was when I put on his over sized black shirts with golden buttons. The bottom of the fabric pooled at my upper thighs. My skin tingled from the gentle caress of his clothes on me. I wore skin tight black shorts which are typically worn underneath dresses.
I pressed his pillow against my face and took in the last bit of the smell that resonated off of the softness. I tried my best to keep my tears off of it, but I failed when I remembered how I could feel him in bed when he was here. I wanted him to hold me in my sleep and chase away the nightmares, but he never understood why I thrashed in my sleep. He never asked what ailed me when I stared off into space. I never got the chance to tell him about my father and the things we used to do before my father was buried in an unmarked grave.
"Wolfram von Bielefeld!" my big brother pounded on the door with a fit of rage. I couldn't bring myself to get up and answer the door, so he kicked it down with a crew of unhappy customers.
I groaned as the light from the hall slapped my tear-stained face. Gwendal forcibly grabbed me by my wrist and yanked me out of the bed and onto the ice cold floor. I howled at the sharp pain.
"Stop acting like a little brat and get out of bed," he hissed.
"You don't understand," I croaked.
"Does it look like I care?" he pushed his face close to mine which made me shrink into myself, "You are slacking on your soldier duties. Just because His Majesty left doesn't give you the right to play dress up and lay in a bed of self pity! Be a man!"
Be a man… So, a man doesn't cry? Can he feel? Can he mourn? Can he love?
I sat there in the hollowness of who I was before he left me. Gwendal let out another growl and raised his fist before my other brother stopped him quickly. I was ready to take it all, I wanted to be hurt. I deserved to feel a physical pain instead of this psychological torment.
"Come on Wolfram," the brunette held out his hand, "Let's go outside for a bit."
I reluctantly took his hand as he helped me to my unsteady feet. I leaned against his broad chest for help. He rubbed my shoulder as he led me out in the hallway.
The walls whispered about my ragged appearance and mocked my hurt. I made it ten steps outside of the room before I pushed Conrad away and ran back to cuddle the pillow.
Day Ten Without Yuuri:
Ten days without food made my body fight against me. I didn't want to eat, I had no appetite. My body grumbled for me to feed it, but I couldn't bring myself to leave the room. The maids left trays of fresh food outside of the door that I never ate.
Nobody came to visit me in six days. After their last failed attempt to get me out of bed, they realized that their fruitless endeavors were of better use on some other lost soul. This wouldn't be the first time my own family had lacked the ability to see my heart.
My father used to have an x-ray vision power. He could tell how I was feeling before I said it. I remember how he would find me alone in the garden after I had an argument with my brothers or I broke something. He would tell me just how I felt and he said he had the magic touch to make me feel better. He hugged me until the pain went away then he tickled the smile back on my lips. Though he wasn't married to Mother, he would constantly visit me. He said that I was the light in his dark life and he was so excited to see me grow up. Too bad he never got to see me become the pathetic wimp I am today.
"Daddy!" I cried out for my father to return to me and make this pain go away. The pain that swelled my chest and clogged my throat to where I gasped for breath.
I knew only he could make this stop. I needed to feel myself in his muscular arms and his comforting warmth.
"I know you miss him," I didn't even flinch when Mother walked into the room, "I do too," who is she talking about?
Mother sat at the edge of the bed and pet my dulled gold hair. She tried her best to hold back her tears.
"My baby," she squeaked out, "I'm sorry you're hurting. It hurts me too when I see you in such a state of depression," is that what this is called? "But Wolfie, it gets better. I know it does."
"Mother," I said, "Do you miss Dad?"
Her silence answered the question for me.
"Did you love Dad?"
Yet again, the silence of a empty yes.
"Do you love me?" I asked.
"Of course I do!" she gasped, "No matter who your father was, I will always love you."
Then why did she want Yuuri to be with everyone except me? Was I not lovable enough for him?
"Honey," she said, but I ignored her, "Are you hungry? How about a little to eat?"
Once she realized that her incessant shaking wasn't getting through to me, she left.
I noticed the roll she left on the nightstand for me to eat. I happily nibbled on the flaky crust of the bread.
Day Thirteen Without Yuuri:
I decided to leave the room. I hadn't changed my clothes since I put them on, but I didn't care since the rest of me looked like I had crawled out of a grave.
I stretched my tired limbs and shook out all of the cramps from twisted muscles. He still haunted every thought in my head and had a tight grasp on my neck.
When I walked into the garden with no shoes on, his little adopted daughter ran over and pulled me into a tight hug. She mumbled on how much she missed me around after her Papa left. That statement still pierced my shattered heart.
"Papa Wolfram, are you feeling better?" She asked with innocent brown eyes full of hope looking up at me.
"I'm fine Dear," I lied fondly and knelt down to caress her curly chocolate locks. She giggled and scampered off to bring me the flowers she recently discovered.
When I rose to my feet, I felt the looming darkness peer over my shoulder that told me to drop dead here and now. It wanted me to hurt myself so I knew what physical pain was. I held my breath and pinched my sides until the silver haired man that nicked named me 'Little Lord Brat' approached me.
His judgement was noted as his eyes scanned my thin form. He commented on how fragile I look and I should eat more. He made my blood boil as he always wanted my love for himself.
Greta returned with a fistful of vibrant yellow flowers. I smiled at her and knelt down again to touch the soft petals.
"These are beautiful," I laced my voice with a false happiness.
I tried to act happy for everyone else. Nobody cared anyway, so why should I show my hurt?
Day Twenty Without Yuuri:
I started to transition back into my old routine. I dressed back in my old blue uniform and abandoned his sorrow drenched room. Conrad trained with me again after I became rusty from a lack of combat. It felt just like the old days when he taught me how to use my sword between my visits with my father.
Gisela looked at me after everyone grew nervous after they saw my ugly black and blue bruises from my pinches. She made me drink some herbs that would regulate my mood and she ordered me to get active again. I almost forgot about his leaving, but it always stuck to me like a leech.
I smiled for the first time since he left while I was training with my brother. He cracked a smile as well. I felt free again, everything felt so alive again.
"You look happy," Conrad commented.
"I am happy," I smiled, "I'm really happy."
"That's good," he patted my head
I hope so at least. Will this last?
Day Forty Without Yuuri:
Everything seemed at peace for twenty days. Until I snapped again and fell off the edge.
I had nightmares of him. He stood there as I chased after him, but he had a beautiful girl wrapped in his arms with a baby on his shoulders and Greta at his side. Everyone gossiped about how pathetic I am to not even produce an heir to the Bielefeld name.
This nightmare recurred every night until I locked myself away again. Fear pooled in my stomach and made me throw up everything I ever ate. I couldn't leave my room again.
I was scared that he had found a girl on Earth and she was nicer and prettier than me. I felt guilty about everything that happened. I'm a failure as a son, father, brother, fiance, and friend. I always break everything I touch, so why bother to open up anymore?
My pinching grew worse at every anxious thought that flashed in my brain to torment me. I've broken skin a couple of times, but it didn't bother me, nothing did anymore except for these repetitive thoughts.
I would scream for someone to make them stop and no one came to my aid. I would beg and plead to Shinou for this agony and torture to cease. Yet I laid in bed screaming bloody murder for these horrible thoughts and negative views to stop. My chest tightened and my breaths grew shallow as my heart raced quickly. Was I dying?
Day Fifty Without Yuuri:
One night was particularly bad. All I could see is his smiling face as he kicked me to my knees and he told me that he always hated me.
In my screams and pleas, I woke up the entire castle. The maids kept Greta away while Mother and my brothers tried to calm my squirms of relief.
"Wolfie! Honey it's okay! You're okay!" she tried to hold me close, but I thrashed in her arms. My hands tangled in my hair and yanked to try and get the thoughts out.
"Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!" I screamed. Tears streamed down my cheeks. "I'm dying! I feel like I'm dying! Someone please!"
"Wolfram, we're here," Conrad said.
"Little Brother please," Gwendal held me to his chest until my spastic movements slowed down, "Gisela, what's wrong with him?"
The green haired girl put a hand on my trembling shoulder as she examined me. Her small hands glowed an angelic white as she used her gifted healer magic. My fears calmed down and I slumped back against Gwendal. I tried to catch my breath from that event.
"He's suffering from panic attacks," she said, "He'll be fine as long a he can overcome what is ailing him, I suggest he and I have one-on-one conversations, like counseling, to help him get over this bump."
"No," Gwendal hissed, "Wolfram is a man, he doesn't need counseling."
That's right, I don't have feelings…
Day One Hundred Without Yuuri:
I had no progress in my panic attacks and my pinches. I kept it more to myself as Gunter agreed with Gwendal that I should just 'get over it'. But how should I do that when 'it' is him?
I sat out in the stables in a hidden spot above the horses, where all of the extra hay is kept. I had been dragged out of my room too many times to stay in there if I want to be alone. I curled my knees close to my chest as I watched over his beautiful jet black horse with a white diamond between the eyes.
"What's bothering ya kid?" I jumped at the voice that filled my head.
I looked over at the orange haired man that emerged from the hay in an un-dead sort of way. It made my skin crawl. He pulled pieces of dirty and hay out of his hair.
"Well?" he said, "I heard about what's been happening to you, very unlike you."
"Why does it concern you?" I hissed.
He shrugged, "It doesn't. I was just wondering. It seems like you can't tell anyone and you've bottled everything inside. That's not healthy."
"But Big Brother says-"
"Oh, Gwendal doesn't know what he's talking about," Yozak flicked his wrist as a gesture to blow it off, " That might work for him, but others of us need people to talk to. You can tell me, I promise I won't tell."
"W-well, what do you know?" I felt heat rise to my cheeks.
"Hm, I know that you are in love with His Majesty and have mourned his loss for the past three months," the man pursed his lips in thought.
"It's not just that," I interjected, "It's just, Yuuri never noticed me! It's like I don't exist in his mind. I keep having this fear that he hates me and he's found someone else on Earth. I'm scared everyone here will reject me. I just miss Yuuri and I wish I told him how I felt before he left. Nobody here even cares about me either, it makes me miss my father. H-he never got to see me grow up to become this pathetic boy a-an-and…" I trailed off as sobs clogged back each word and tears flowed down my cheeks.
Yozak pulled me into a side hug. He rested the side of his head on top of my head as his thumb rubbed circles on my shoulder.
"Oh Wolfram," he sighed, "We all feel heartbroken, but how you deal with it is how you get over it. Don't dwell on the past. I bet if Yuuri comes back, he'll run into your embrace. I think that he likes you." He smiled, "Come talk to me whenever you feel down."
"You mean that?" I looked at him with tearful eyes.
"Of course! You're like a little brother to me," he said, "After all, I know heartbreak, I'm an orphan, remember? Also, I'm in love with a man that's stuck on the past. You know him pretty well. He has brown hair and brown eyes, he was close with His Majesty, ya know." Conrad. Yozak loves Conrad.
Yozak and I talked for hours until we both got hungry, then we got lunch together. Everyone looked at us like we had ten heads, but it's only because the most unlikely pair became best friends in the course of a few hours.
Day One Hundred Twenty Six Without Yuuri:
Yozak and I bonded even closer which made Conrad jealous. It wasn't Yozak's fault that I felt like he loves me, it was my own head. I've been filling myself with false joy to remain happy.
I sat in my room and happily wrote down my feelings, just as Yozak mentioned to do. The air seemed perky with a slight down draft of hidden agony. I hummed gently as my quill scraped against the thin paper.
"Wolfram, come quick!" Yozak yelled.
I rose to my feet and followed him all the way to the fountain in the courtyard that began to glow a vibrant blue. Could this be?
I nearly jumped the railing to take my place next to Conrad when the water bubbled. My heart fluttered in my chest when I blinked and there he was, the man that caused me pain. He sat there in the fountain with a goofy smile on his face.
My jaw dropped as I nearly extended my arms to let him in, but he ran right into Conrad's arms. The person right next to me…
He greeted everyone with hugs and when he got to me, he held out his hand. All I could do was smile and bite back the pain that swelled up in my body with only seconds till it exploded. A single tear trickled down my cheek, and he never noticed.
Day One With Yuuri:
I'm in more pain with him here than when he left…
All my fears became reality…
I'm all alone...