Sith Don't Eat Sandwiches
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. I also don't own Darth Plagueis's first line. That's from Dark Lord: the Rise of Darth Vader, written by James Lucendo.
A/N: This started out as a conversation between Em and I, but it soon escalated. Enjoy!
The Sith Order would like to think itself infallible, perfect and foolproof, but contrary to popular belief, it is none of these things. It fell, it was imperfect, and it had more than its' fair share of fools. Of course, only the wise went down in history. The fools were pushed aside to let the strong take control. But little is it known that Darth Plagueis the Wise, the master of the most infamous Sith in the Order, Darth Sidious, had one other apprentice. A fool, a victim of survival of the fittest. A story unrecorded. Until now…
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"Tell me what you regard as your greatest strength, so I will know how best to undermine you; tell me of your greatest fear, so I will know which I must force you to face; tell me what you cherish most, so I will know what to take from you; and tell me what you crave, so that I might deny you," Darth Plagueis pronounced, evil echoing in every syllable. Darth Kalo was unimpressed.
"You must be a big hit at parties," he remarked, somewhat weakening Plagueis's aura of malice.
"Just answer the question!" Plagueis grumbled.
"Hmmm," Kalo mused. "I suppose my greatest desire is to see you alive and well; my most cherished possession is that huge pile of trash I'm supposed to get rid of and my greatest fear is a huge large-screen TV with complete cable and high-definition and my greatest strength is my ability to spit in food and get away with it," he announced sarcastically, wondering if Plagueis would recognize reverse psychology.
"Well!" Plagueis said. "I guess I have my work cut out for me. Now- what are you grinning about?"
"Nothing!" he protested, looking down. He couldn't help smirking at his master's stupidity. And he's supposed to be wise…
Plagueis gave him a calculating look. "Very well. Go make me a sandwich."
Kalo summoned up his courage. "No."
"What!" Plagueis screeched. "How dare you defy my orders?"
"One, I'm sick of making you sandwiches all the time," Kalo stated. "Two, if you insist on my making you yet another sandwich, I'll tell the whole galaxy that you go tap-dancing on the weekends." He braced himself for the blow. It didn't come.
"WHAT!" Plagueis bellowed. "How do YOU know about that?"
"You made me carry your tap-dancing equipment!" Kalo shouting in indignation.
Plagueis considered it. "Oh, yeah, I did. All right, then. You can go watch the Holonet. I'm going to discover the secret of immortality."
"Yeah, right," Kalo snorted once he was out of earshot. "Let me know how that works out…"
A/N: I know, that was the weirdest thing ever (except for my SpongeBob/Star Wars crossover, maybe). Just so you know, Kalo's name was a purposeful misspelling of "callow", meaning green or unexperinced, rather fitting, I thought.