A/N: Long time no see, I know! I got a couple of requests for this on Tumblr, back when the season finale aired, and it basically took me this long to get my shit together and finish it. So I'm posting it here too, just in case anyone is interested. But I'm hoping to be back in full swing soon! In the meantime, hope you enjoy! -Ash
Close To You
"Michonne."
She just barely recognized the sound of Rick's hoarse whisper as she stared into the dirt she was kneeled in. Drops of blood dotted said dirt, and she wanted to look away, but she refused to look up; couldn't bear to. Two years into the apocalypse, she'd seen some gruesome things. She'd had her heart broken more than once by them. And while nothing would ever ruin her like seeing her baby as one of those... things, bearing witness to her friend being beaten to death was a fairly close second. And so, she stared at the dirt, watching as the blood melted it into some strange, muddy consistency, listening to the deafening sobs of her friends and family, all drowning out the sound of her boyfriend.
"Michonne," Rick croaked out once more, her name coming out in one shaky syllable instead of two. When she didn't respond, he fell back to his knees so that he could see her face, look into her eyes. He didn't want to see anything else but her. "We have to go." He gazed at her expectantly, desperately, as her expression refused to change, and she looked cold in every sense of the word. He tentatively reached out to touch her hand, thankful, more than anything, for the chance to do so again. "Baby…"
Her eyes flitted upward, finally recognizing what was happening. She instinctively recoiled from his touch, seeing he was much too close for comfort. If any of Negan's men were still around watching them, they would see. They would know that Rick was hers and she was his; they would use it against him. Them. "Don't."
He didn't have time to wonder in that moment why she was pulling away from him, so he nodded in understanding and quietly retreated. "We have to go," he repeated, pleading.
"There's nowhere to go," she mumbled. Nowhere to hide.
He let out another wobbly sigh, still unable to quite find his bearings. He was only attempting to for her, for Carl, for his family. "Maggie still needs to get to Hilltop."
She nodded, almost imperceptibly, as she had no idea how to respond to any of this. In her head, she was seesawing between rage and despair, and the rest of her seemed to have settled on stoicism. There was nothing to say. "Just take care of Carl," Michonne told him. "I'll be fine."
"All right…" Rick nodded in compliance, but he was certain she wasn't fine. She was always so protective of them – of Carl, especially – he knew this apathy was a symptom of her being the opposite of fine.
But he didn't have the energy to fight her. Not then, not there. So he did the only thing he could do to help her in that moment – he pulled off his jacket and draped it over her. His fingers purposely grazed her shoulder as he stood from the ground, and before he headed off for the RV, he left her with four short words that meant everything when she'd said them to him. The context was different, of course, but at a time when he couldn't see past his own trauma, she stood by him. And he would do the same for her. "I'm still with you."
Michonne looked up at him, speechless, as she watched him walk toward the RV. She wanted to say something, but nothing came out. Nothing but a tiny whimper when she noticed their friend's headless, lifeless body in her periphery. She squeezed her eyes shut and let out a deep sigh as she finished putting on Rick's jacket. It took everything she had left to stand to her feet again, but stand, she did, and wiped the dirt from her body as as she followed behind Rick.
Nothing but a tear, that's all for breakfast
Watching you pretend you're unaffected
You're pulling our connections, expecting me to let you go
But I won't
It was nearly dawn by the time the group found its way back to Alexandria. The sun wasn't out yet, perhaps because for Alexandria, it felt as though it would never rise again. But with Maggie safely at Hilltop, the only thing left to do that night was mourn. Some did so with the help of alcohol, others with sleep. The Grimes home was so quiet. No Carol, and now, no Daryl. Carl was with Judith for what remained of the night – being with her made him feel, not better, but less of whatever he'd been feeling. Anger, perhaps. And that left Rick and Michonne alone. Which left Rick alone, while Michonne was off, feeling whatever she'd been feeling. Anger, for certain.
"You gonna come inside?"
Rick's question was met with more of Michonne's silence as she stared into oblivion, pretending she wasn't utterly freezing out there in the cold.
"Michonne," he called out to her. He felt like that was all he'd done for the past several hours.
"I will," she eventually replied, her words nearly inaudible beneath the deep breath she'd taken. "I just need a minute."
"You've been out here an hour," he gently replied, not wanting to shake her with his worry. But he was worried. "Come to bed."
She glanced over at him, unsure how he was holding on so well when he was the one that looked like he was ready to fall apart out there in those woods. She swallowed hard and shook her head, returning her blank gaze to the house across the street. "I won't be able to sleep."
Rick moved from the doorway, taking a knee in front of his girlfriend. He closed his eyes as he did, reminded of when he'd been forced to do so earlier, and a tear snuck down his right cheek. "The only way I can do this is with you," he declared, taking her icy hand into his. His thumb rubbed at her knuckles as it often did, and he let out another sigh of relief that he was able to. "Please don't disappear on me."
Michonne closed her eyes too, because she couldn't take the look on his face. "I'm here, Rick. I just need…"
"A minute," he nodded, knowing that was how her sentence would end. "You said you were done taking breaks."
Know you don't need my protection
But I'm in love, can't blame me for checking
I love in your direction
Hoping that the message goes somewhere close to you
Her sad eyes darted up at him, hating that he'd thrown that back in her face. Particularly, because he was right. Now wasn't the time to check out, but that was all she wanted to do. It had been only a few months since she avowed that she was done with breaks, but every time she turned around, something else was trying to break her. She wasn't sure how much more she could take. And so, she broke into tears. The ones she'd been holding back for hours now, too indignant, too proud, to let them show before then. But finally, when it was just the two of them, she sobbed - for her friend, for her failures, and for their future. And she fell into Rick's embrace, knowing he would be there to catch her, and she let it all out.
Rick breathed a small sigh of relief as he held her, resisting the urge to cry again himself. He knew this was a loss that would shake their group to its core – he and Michonne were that core – and he wasn't sure how he would get through it if she shut him out. Pain, he could deal with. Tears, he could wipe away. But there would be nothing he could do if she refused to feel this. So as improper as it might have been, he sighed in relief, because she was feeling something. And he squeezed her in his arms, because he was feeling a lot of that same something, and he didn't know what to do with it all. He held her so close, he could barely breathe; he could feel her hot tears against his neck, where she'd buried her face and muffled her cries. And together, on their knees, the two of them rocked back and forth, feeling every bit of the moment.
Close to you
Like so close if they hurt you, you wouldn't find out
Just say now I'm coming right now to be close to you…
Their bedroom was so cold, but neither of them seemed to notice or care, as they laid in their bed intertwined. The temperature only matched the feeling that had overtaken their hearts, crept into their souls that night. With Daryl gone, everything was cold.
Rick stared at the side of Michonne's face with bloodshot eyes, refusing to look away from her. Almost too afraid to blink, for fear that he would realize this was a dream and she was no longer with him either. He twisted one of her locs between his fingers, remembering how he'd held her loose hair just a few hours before, thinking that she was gone then. Grappling with how he would ever find her when he had to get Maggie where she was going. "I thought I lost you," he whispered hoarsely, still holding onto her hair.
"Never," she whispered back.
But then, truthfully, she thought he'd lost her too. Thinking for sure that their bravado would turn to heartbreak when Negan chose her. That somehow, he knew that she was Rick's and Rick was hers, and that he would break Rick by taking her. Because those were the types of things that happened in this world.
She remembered feeling horrible when she exhaled in relief, even if for only a fraction of a second, when that bat was nowhere near Rick or Carl, when Negan finally chose someone else, and she thought that maybe her immediate family would walk away in tact. Anyone but them. She felt like shit for thinking it, but it was her truth.
Said you let it go, you kept it
Working hard to perfect it
The events of the night kept flashing through Michonne's mind in spurts. Riding around in the back of that dark van for hours on end. The light that peeked through the tiny holes of the van, providing no evidence as to where they were headed. She knew the sun had set, so she couldn't figure out why there was so much light. For a while, she wondered if it was due to her head ringing after they ripped out her hair, and the smell of Daryl's blood only made her more lightheaded. She remembered thinking he was probably safe from whatever was going to happen next – otherwise Dwight would've just killed him in the woods. She couldn't have been more wrong. By the time it was over, there was so much of his blood, she could taste the metal in the air.
"He just wanted to avenge Denise," she said out loud, her voice thick with her regrets. "Maybe he could've if we hadn't tried to stop him..."
"Maybe," Rick murmured, closing his eyes as he tried to block out the final image he had of his friend. His brother. A fresh set of tears came instead. "But I don't think there was a way out of this after what we did."
Michonne had to stop herself from crying again too when she heard Rick sniffle. She lifted her thumb to his cheek to wipe his tears, and her finger settled on the scar below his right eye. "It's gonna be a fight," she whispered.
He opened his weary eyes, remembering how she warned him of that at Hilltop. Back when they thought they couldn't lose. "It's gonna be a war," he agreed, still caressing her hair.
She couldn't keep the frown off of her face as she thought about what that meant. For them, for their family, for their home. "Are you scared?" she asked, studying the sadness all over his face.
He nodded against their pillow as another tear rolled across his nose. She was the only person in the world he could be this honest with. "I'm terrified."
But now your fear is reckless
And it's out of your control
Would you let it go?
"I'm not," she said, looking him in the eye. "I should be, but you make me feel... fearless."
He searched her splendid brown eyes for some sign that she was lying, just trying to make him feel better. But she stared back at him with all the confidence he'd been stripped of throughout that day. He didn't understand how, after everything that had happened, she wasn't racked with terror. "How?" he finally asked.
"You said it this morning," she reminded him, almost smiling. "The world is ours."
"But Negan isn't-"
"Fuck Negan," she shook her head, wiping another of his stray tears. "Fuck the Saviors. Fuck anyone who isn't us."
"Hmm," he smirked, lightly running his thumb along her cheek. "Morgan said somethin' to me that day we went back to King County for those supplies. You know, when you stole his protein bar?" He watched her nod, obviously wondering where he was going with this. "He said, 'When you have somethin' good, that means there's someone who wants to take it from you'," he recalled. "And the world seems so determined to prove him right."
"He is right," Michonne conceded. "But no one can take me from me. And I'm not gonna let them take you from me either."
Know you don't need my protection
But I'm in love, can't blame me for checking
I love in your direction
Hoping that the message goes somewhere close to you
Their conversation from that morning came back to Rick, and he smiled just slightly. He'd lost so much of his resolve, he didn't think he would ever get it back. But then Michonne had it in spades, it seemed. And this was exactly why he'd fallen in love with her. She was his partner in every sense of the word. When he was down, she was up. When she was too far gone, he brought her back. "The world is ours," he agreed, his raspy voice finally showing signs of his usual unrelenting conviction. "We just have to fight for it."
"If you don't fight, you die," she returned, wondering if he would remember saying it – screaming it in the middle of the street, in fact – not so long ago.
"And we don't die."
Michonne nodded back, too tired, too sad to smile, but she could feel her heart beating faster at his declaration. Their lives, whatever they would end up being after this, only worked if they were on the same page. They needed each other more than ever now, and she was relieved to know that when she fell down, he could pick her up; when he lost all hope, she could give it back to him. They were in this, together. More ready than ever to tear the world a new asshole. She rested her cold hand on his warm cheek and closed her eyes. "We don't die."
Like so close if they hurt you, you wouldn't find out
If you let me, I'll be there by now
Close to you…