Battle for the Whitehouse: A creative One-shot
Cast: Barack Obama
John McCain
The Justice League
The Avengers
Lots of other people
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. I am making no profit from this.
A big black van sped down the streets of Metropolis, blatantly ignoring all traffic regulations and speed limits. The van was being driven by a nondescript man in a suit and sitting next to him were two equally nondescript men in suits.
All three men wore black ski masks on their heads that were rolled up, as if at any moment they were about to something illegal. The driver of the vehicle held up a series of photographs in his hand and passed them onto his compatriots. "Listen up people, John McCain has already assembled his team and we have exactly one week from two days ago to get together all of our people".
One of the men was flipping through the pictures when he saw one that looked like he didn't belong. "Who's this guy"?
The driver replied, "That's Clark Kent. Real big timer in the superhero world".
"He looks like a total dork".
"That's just his secret identity".
The third man who had been previously quiet now spoke up, "Can I ask a question".
The driver gave him a sideways look, "Well, I specifically said no questions but since we've already asked some let's ask some more. Go ahead, ask me a question".
"Why are we kidnapping these people? Can't we just send them a phone call"?
The driver took a left turn, cutting across two lanes of traffic and knocking over somebody's garbage bins. "Well, with this new development in the presidential election, we don't want a repeat of what happened with Florida".
The third person was quite surprised and not entirely taken in by this idea, "You're saying that Jeb Bush is going to kill Barack Obama's Superhero supporters"?
The driver took a right turn, smashing thorough a white wooden fence and making road pizza out of an unfortunate pooch. "Not specifically Jeb Bush, but Senator Obama agreed with me that it's better not to take any risks with this one".
They had finally arrived at their destination, the front entrance of the Daily Planet. The van screeched to a halt, almost hitting the black haired lady reporter who was standing next to Clark Kent. Immediately the van opened up and two men in black ski masks shot out.
One of the men flashed a badge into Clark Kent's face, "OBAMAM NEEDS YOUR SERVICES. COME NOW"! Kent didn't get in a word edge wise before the man dragged him into the black van.
The man's companion handled Lois Lane, "IF YOU TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS WE'LL FUCKING KILL HIM"! Before Lois Lane could say a word he spoke up again, "Sorry, I'm just kidding. I've always wanted to say that".
He hopped into the van with his companions and sped off with lightning quickness, running over Jimmy Olsen, who'd just gone out to get a hotdog.
By the next day they were in Gotham City. They tore down the streets of the rotten town in their customary black van. Their target this time was none other than Bruce Wayne.
Bruce Wayne was at a lawn party in front of some wealthy fellow's mansion. Bruce was pretending to enjoy himself as his Butler Alfred informed him that their car was having trouble and a mechanic would have to be sent for.
Bruce turned around to hear a clutter as a big black van drove right through thick crowds of rich people, smashing down picnic tables and decimating any kind of lawn ornaments that stood in the way. Suddenly the van tore to a halt, thoroughly destroying the lawn underneath the tires. Bruce only just registered it as the driver of the van shot him in the neck with a blow dart.
"MASTER BRUCE"! Alfred cried out. He immediately ran towards the side of his fallen master. When he looked up a moment later, he saw nothing.
The reason that Alfred saw nothing was because one of the men from the black van ran up to him and smashed him over the head with a folding metal chair. Needless to say, Alfred was going to be feeling that when he woke up.
One day before the big event, Atlantis
"You're offering me tickets to a Metallica concert in Washington DC. What is it you're asking in return"?
The three agents of Obama who had over the past four days kidnapped the entire justice league now stood in front of the King of Atlantis. To the surface world he was known as Aqua Man.
The leader of the agents spoke up, clearly afraid of Aqua man. "Well your majesty, Barack Obama is requesting your presence at the Metallica as a sign of trust between Atlantis and the United States".
Aqua man put his remaining hand to his chin and thought carefully. On the one hand this might have been an elaborate ruse to try and claim his life. But on the other hand he did love Metallica; he owned all of their songs on eight track tape, audio cassette and CD. It had been a while since Aqua man had been to a Metallica concert.
The three agents were rather worried. For about two years now the Atlantean monarch had been off his rocker. Roughly two years ago his psychic connection with sea life had been temporarily severed. An opponent of his had taken that moment to stick Aqua Man's hand into a fish tank containing some particularly ravenous piranha.
Since that little episode, Aqua man had changed. Where he used to go clean cut he now proudly sported a long mane of hair and short thick beard. Also since that incident he'd begun to work out like a psycho. The most striking difference though was that his lost hand had been replaced with a vicious looking hook.
Finally Aqua Man came to a decision. "I will attend your Metallica concert in Barack Obama's company. But if I find that I'm being deceived, I will break your necks". As he delivered his threat Aqua Man's body quivered and his left eye twitched.
The lead agent sighed in relief, "Thank you your lordship. We will be making our exit now if it pleases you".
Aqua Man wasn't listening he was off on a tangent, "Betray me would you"? Suddenly he screamed like a lunatic and smashed the coffee table in front of him in half. Returning to his senses, Aqua man noticed the destroyed coral table. "Ah, I broke my favorite coffee table. I need to stop doing that".
Washington DC, the big Day
The Washington memorial stood stark and pristine in the early morning light. Crowds of thousands had gathered around the edges of the normally verdant park that the great obelisk was centerpiece of.
Thousands of men, woman and even some children had gathered to give their screaming support to their presidential candidate of choice. It was madness, nothing like it had been seen in the history of the United States.
It was to be the first time in the history of the still young country that the President was to be appointed by combat. Three times, three consecutive recounts of the election had turned up with a disappointing tie amongst the voters. After much deliberation the senate decided that Barack Obama and John McCain would face each other down before the great Washington memorial and duel to the death. Two men would enter, one man would leave.
The senate also decreed that each champion of his party would be permitted to bring along a team of champions. John McCain had spoken with long time companion Tony Stark and gotten his old friend to convince the avengers to join his side.
The big fight would begin at exactly high noon. Today however none could see the golden sun for it was obscured by the late November clouds. Despite the cool wind and the light snow starting to fall the zeal of the crowds had not waned one iota.
It was five minutes until Showtime and a man was starting to make his way into the center of the field of combat. He was a delegate selected from a neutral country who would act as referee during the arduous battle to be. The delegate from Canada cursed his own lack of foresight. For not bringing earmuffs and for not bringing that box of grenades he'd gotten as a gift from his son.
From the right side of the field a group of men and women in costume started to quietly but surely make their appearance known. Among their ranks stood Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Quicksilver, Hawkeye, Giant Man and the Wasp. They were being led by a plain looking gentleman of quit advanced years. John McCain led the avengers across the field, sword in hand.
Directly across from them, the opposing team was making their way towards the pitch. Barack Obama was wearing war paint on his face and was wielding a massive ax. The overall effect was that he looked like the child of a football player and a woodsman with an anger management problem.
Directly behind Obama stood his champions: the Justice League of America. Though most of them had been kidnapped, in the end all of them had agreed to support their choice of Presidential Candidate. Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, The Green Lantern, Martian Man hunter and Aqua Man.
Aqua man was dressed in a bootlegged Metallica t-shirt that looked like it had fit him back in high school. Aqua man sneered into Obama's ear, "You told me that we'd be going to a Metallica concert. Give me a reason why I shouldn't wipe my ass with you".
Obama responded in a cool fashion, "We'll be going to the concert right after this fight. The tickets are right here in my hand". Aqua man growled but otherwise held his tongue.
Finally the two teams, Republican and Democrat, were standing face to face with each other, not even five feet apart. Seeing this, the Delegate from Canada made an effort to try and warn the crowds. He crowed into his megaphone, "Alright, everyone who is not here for combat please leave. Would all of you people please vacate the premises".
However the massive crowds of screaming people ignored the bespectacled Canadian bureaucrat with a megaphone. "Excuse me, we're about to commence fighting between Superheroes. For your safety I advise you all to leave". Still the crowds ignored him. Briefly the Canadian man entertained the thought of blowing something up with the C-4 stashed in his jacket. Instead he turned to Thor and kindly asked, "Thor, give me a hand here".
Immediately the Norse god of Thunder called down a bolt of lightning right on top of the Washington Monument. Everybody jumped back, even the soon to be combatants. Thor held his hammer high and addressed the crowd, "If thou wisht to continue speaking, thou willst do so WITH A BOLT O' LIGHTNING IN THY BRAINS. NOW LEAVE"!
The delegate patted the earthbound god on the shoulder, "Thanks big guy". Seeing that the crowds were already thinning, he decided not to delay it any longer. He spoke to either side, "Alright the rules are simple. When I blow this whistle, the fight starts", he held up his shiny new whistle for all to see. "When I blow this a second time, it means that one of the two presidential candidates is dead and the fight ends. Beyond that, anything goes".
All of the superheroes shifted into their fighting stances. As the Canadian was about to blow the special whistle, Superman said to his opponents, "May the best man win".
Iron Man retorted, "You can all just drop dead. Except for you lady. I'm yours any day". From behind his helmet Iron Man winked at Wonder Woman.
Wonder Woman gritted her teeth, "Do what you want to the others, but this one is mine".
Iron Man chuckled, "Oh I like my ladies fiery. You're on sister".
All joking was banished as the special whistle blew. The heat was on, the fur was set to fly, fist would meet face and foot would meet ass. Before McCain and Obama could even raise their weapons, their super powered comrades had shot forward like greased multi colored lightning.
The Norse god Thor swung his mighty hammer at Superman only to have the last son of Krypton dodge the blow. Thor had not yet caught his balance before Superman socked him in the gut. The favorite son of Metropolis struck again, catching Thor on the side of the head, knocking his winged helmet off. Just as Superman was about to land another strike Thor kicked him right underneath the chin. Superman shot back from the impact like a bullet. As Superman sailed across the city, smashing through buildings and tearing down power lines, he became vaguely aware that he'd lost a tooth.
Wonder Woman was having quite a fun time, misunderstood thing that she was. People seemed to think that because she was a feminist she hated men. That was not the case, far from it. She only hated womanizers. For that very reason, Iron Man, with his womanizing ways, had to go down like good souvlaki.
Iron Man, also known as Tony Stark had put quite a bit of effort into preparing for this fight. He had pulled out all the stops and installed his armor with all manner of new and improved gadgetry. Even so, he was just barely holding his own against the Amazon woman. He tried to reason with Wonder Woman, "Look, regardless of your previous political standings, I'll make you a deal", he told her.
Iron only just managed to dodge a blow aimed right between his eyes. "You join team McCain and I'll not only forgive you for voting Obama but I'll also fight by your side and be your lover. What do you say Diana"?
Wonder Woman's response was rather eloquent, "You die now swine". Iron Man couldn't even blink before Wonder Woman lunged forward and started to try and gouge his eyes out. She could have turned him into a eunuch but that would have been too easy.
On the ground things were no less intense. Quick Silver and Flash were going at it in speeds too fast to be visible to the human eye, Hawkeye was fighting a losing battle against Aqua man as the Atlantean monarch treated the ace archer the way a baseball player treats a baseball. All the while, The Martian Manhunter and The Green Lantern were only just holding their own against Giant Man and the Wasp. The husband and wife duo of Wasp and Giant Man had packed along a few high tech goodies from the SHIELD arsenal before making the trip.
The battle between Batman and Captain America was surprisingly calm. Batman and the Captain stood across from each other, waiting. Captain America was posed and ready, just itching for Batman to make a move. SHIELD's compiled data on Batman was rather scant; Captain America had no real idea as to what sort of combat prowess Batman possessed.
Batman merely stood there, he knew perfectly well what Captain America could do. Captain America could climb a mountain without breaking a sweat; he could also snap Batman in two. He also had a horrible costume. In Batman's humble opinion, Captain America looked like a snow cone. Just looking at him made Batman want to look in a different direction and pretend that he wasn't an American.
Captain America was about to throw his indestructible shield at Batman and take the caped crusader's head off when Batman struck first. The batarang sailed at Captain America's head but America's most famous hero caught it like the thing was suspended in mid air. Captain America smiled, "Is that the best you got creep"? Then the batarang exploded in the Captain's hand.
Meanwhile, at the city's edge
At this point in the battle, the entire city already been evacuated. When you have a bunch of people fighting, some of them capable of moving planets, it pays to be on the safe side. But as the two teams fought to the death, the leader of each squadron nearly forgotten, trouble was brewing. Trouble was brewing in the form of a group of men and women who nearly all wore tights and who were all passed over for candidacy in the presidential super hit squads.
These forgotten superheroes were all scattered around the edge of the city, some in groups while others were more solitary. One group of heroes stood on an edge of town that allowed them a perfect vantage point over the battle that was gradually diffusing away from the monument. Leading this band of heroes was an eight foot tall muscle man dressed in what seemed to be a tick costume. Next to him stood a rather ordinary man dressed in a moth costume that could have just as easily been a rabbit suit.
The superhero known as the Tick broke the silence with an extremely campy line that was intended to sound heroic, "Evil is afoot, terrorists are using our washrooms and now the fate of our nation hangs in the balance and only we can save it".
The Tick's sidekick, known only as Arthur, expressed his skepticism, "Tick, we can't get involved in this fight. Those are real superheroes out there".
Tick chuckled at his best buddy's sentiment, "Arthur, we're real superheroes. We can win the day".
Arthur started to get a little bit miffed, "Tick, you, I, American Maid and Chainsaw Vigilante have no chance in hell of beating the Avengers"!
American Maid piped up, "He's right Tick, Thor alone could probably take us all out".
Tick held up his hands. He wanted this fight like a kid wants toys on Christmas day, "Come on guys, we have to go in and fight the good fight. We have to defend the rightful presidential candidate".
"Tick, you can't just support a candidate because Oprah says they're good", American Maid chided.
The Tick tried to show American Maid reason, "But American Maid, this is Oprah. Oprah".
Chainsaw Vigilante spoke up, "We heard you the first time Tick. And just so you know, I'm only fighting alongside you guys because I consider you guys to be the least of the evils of vigilantism".
American Maid couldn't resist making a crack at the man who hid his face with a homemade smiley face mask and made it his mission to fight all vigilantes for taking the role of the police, "Isn't it ironic that you have vigilante in your name when you're the one who fights the costumed vigilantes"?
Chainsaw Vigilante's voice was dry and wry, "Ha ha, we'll talk philosophy later". Before the heroes could debate their entry into the fight any longer they saw something that did not bode well for anybody. Soaring through the skies of Washington DC was a platoon of flying doombots. If Dr. Doom was getting involved then there was no more point in arguing.
The Tick grinned, "Alright gang, let's go in and trash some doombots". The Tick then about faced and gave his patented war cry, "SPOOOOOOOOOOOOONNN"!
Meanwhile, back in the fight
Captain America caught the batarang as though it were suspended in mid air. "Is that the best you got creep"? The batarang exploded, but not into flames. The batarang actually filled with many small pressurized containers. Each little container held a sample of an extremely potent and experimental mace. This stuff was going to have Captain America blind for hours and in the most extreme pain.
When Captain America screamed in pain as the nonlethal chemical weapon splashed into his eyes, Batman smirked a little bit. People called him the world's greatest detective; they should have called him the world's greatest cheap shot artist. You needed to be a cheap shot artist when you were daily facing down the guys that he did.
Batman didn't have time to enjoy the sight of Steve Rogers in pain for very long. Captain America lunged forward to where he thought that Batman was standing. In doing so he knocked Batman down quite hard, fortunately there was a parking meter there to break Batman's fall.
While it was uncommonly soft for a parking meter, Batman still felt something inside of him break and/or tear. Yes, it was going to be one of those days.
The Green lantern had walked into this mess thinking that it would be a cakewalk, what with his ring offering him nearly unimaginable power. Apparently though, the bastards at SHIELD had realized that his ring could not affect anything that was yellow. And wouldn't you have it, Giant Man and Wasp were both wearing costumes that were yellow.
Wasp had even found a way to color her stinger projectiles yellow, accounting for Green Lantern's totally numb left arm. Fortunately, J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter was there to provide backup.
Wasp fired her stingers at the Martian Manhunter in vain. Every time she would try and shoot him, he would alter the molecular density of his body so that her stingers would pass right through him. Currently her husband Hank was having a tough time with that Green Lantern guy. Green Lantern would use his ring to tear up chunks of sidewalk or pick up cars and fling them at Giant man. In retaliation, Giant man would catch those objects in mid air and chuck them right back at lantern.
Wasp yelled at her husband, "HANK, WILL YOU FORGETT THE THROWING STUFF AT HIM THING"!
Giant man yelled back, "SHUT UP JANET, I'M HOLDING MY OWN HERE"!
Wasp zipped through the air, avoiding what looked like a bolt of lightning thrown by the Martian in front of her, "HOLDING YOUR OWN BUT NOT WINNING"!
"I CAN WIN THIS FIGHT IF SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE AND LET ME FOCUS", Giant Man avoided getting hit over the head with a bus.
"MAYBE YOU'RE NOT GETTING ENOUGH AIR IN THAT COSTUME, BECAUSE YOU NEED ME TO WIN THIS FIGHT"!
"YOU JUST HANDLE THAT MARTIAN LOSER, I'LL TAKE THIS GUY"!
"I object to being referred to as a loser", J'onn deadpanned as he fired more lightning at Wasp.
"MY WIFE WILL CALL YOU WHATEVER SHE WANTS YOU GREEN SKINNED DICKHEAD"!
Before this scuffle could go on for any longer, a rocket detonated in the middle of the fight, sending the combatants flying in all directions. A long figure started to emerge from the smoke who leisurely discarded his rocket launcher.
In plain sight, none of any of the fighters could say that they recognized the strange red figure before them. He looked like an odd Spiderman rip off armed to the teeth with guns, grenades and swords. The new player spoke in a funny drawl that you could picture coming from the mouth of a comic book geek. "Why if it isn't Wasp and her wife beater husband Hank Pym a.k.a. Giant Man".
"I'M NOT A FUCKING WIFE BEATER! WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYBODY ASSUME THAT I'M A WIFE BEATER"?
The red clad assassin shrugged, "It's not your fault, it's the fault of the writers at Marvel Comics". He then turned his attention to Lantern and the Manhunter, "And to top it off we've got two pork faggots from the DC universe. Face it guys, people only care about Batman, Superman and maybe Wonder Woman".
Green Lantern looked to Giant Man, "Who the hell is this guy"?
Giant Man responded rapid fire, "I don't know this guy. Who the hell are you buddy"?
"My name, is Deadpool. I'm the Merc with the Mouth. And all the girls are dying to get a piece of my ten inch cock". Deadpool adjusted his stance, "But that's not why I'm here. I'm here to kill the lot of you. The comic book world will thank me later".
J'onn raised an eye brow, "Do you have any reason to do us harm"?
Deadpool pulled out a long katana as well as a submachine gun, "Well, Giant Prick and Janet Schmanet are McCain supporters so they have to go. As for you guys, you're DCs and I'm a Marvel. Figure it out". And with that, Giant Man stepped on Deadpool.
Elsewhere in the City
What started out as a battle between the Avengers and the Justice League was rapidly turning into a free for all. A whole myriad of bizarre folks were dueling it out over their choice of presidential candidate. Now, there were folks showing up to fight who didn't give a damn which candidate won the election, only that they had a chance to fight somebody.
Dozens of superheroes fought amongst each other and against the legion of doombots that reigned death on their foes in the form of deadly energy weapons. Against one of those doombots fought a superhero named Rorschach. The fedora wearing superhero with severe psychological issues leapt to and fro as the doombot seemingly opened fire indiscriminately.
For some odd reason, Rorschach was narrating the fight to himself in a scary voice, "Fighting with Dr. Doom imitations. Desire to fight the real Dr. Doom, so to kill him".
However for Rorschach, help arrived in the form of a huge hulking man in blue tights. "SPOOOOOOOOON"! The Tick yelled as he leapt from a rooftop and landed on the doombot. The nefarious robot stood no chance, it smashed into a dozen pieces like a toaster oven dropped from a height.
The Tick looked down on Rorschach and saluted, "Everything's fine fellow vigilante. Carry on fighting justice".
Instead of saying "thank you" or "would you like some cookies", Rorschach pounced on the Tick. "Big blue man is an Obama supporter. He must die". Rorschach was fast, the Tick didn't even react. The costumed fighter threw a punch at the Tick which could have shattered bones. When Rorschach's fist collided with the Tick's sternum, every bone in his hand shattered. "Hand injured. Must keep fighting".
The much smaller man hopped like a monkey onto the Tick's shoulders. The Tick merely chuckled at the other hero's antics, "Had a rough day haven't you fella? It's alright; I've got something here for you".
Tick didn't even notice it when Rorschach tried to cut off his head with a hacksaw hidden in his trench coat. All Rorschach succeeded in doing was completely destroy his hacksaw. The Tick then gently pulled Rorschach off his shoulders like a naughty pet and placed him on the ground gently.
Before Rorschach could launch another wave of futile attacks, the Tick handed him something. Rorschach was confused, what was this strange act that the Tick was performing? Stunned for a moment, he looked down at the object in his hands. It was a self help tape titled, "Dealing with Speech Problems: When you talk not normal. Like this".
Rorschach was so stunned by the Tick's kindness that he had to lift up his mask and take a dose from his asthma inhaler.
No sooner had Rorschach taken his asthma medication did the costumed adventurer The Comedian show up. There he was, all macho-like with his moustache and his big cigar. It was like the punisher swapped his trademark shirt with a plain black one and put on a domino mask. The costume was completed with an upside down smiley face button and American flag themed shoulder pads.
The Comedian opened fire on the Tick like the bullets in his machine gun were candy. When the clip ran out, the Tick was still standing there, plus several hundred flattened bullets. The brave grin the Comedian wore gave way to a confused frown as he saw that the goofy blue guy was not dead.
Tick explained to Comedian, "Sorry friend, I haven't got a gift for you. But if you give me ten minutes, Arthur will give me some money and I'll buy you something. How about Kung Fu Panda"?
The Comedian never got to use any of his special Government Issue grenades because at that moment he was vaporized. A red beam of light struck him and he burst into atoms with an agonized scream.
Flying in the air was none other than the smartest man on earth and possibly the most dangerous. Even though Dr. Doom's face was not visible behind his mask, he positively oozed menace and spite. Raising his hands, Doom announced, "Attention everyone, I'm officially nominating myself as the third Presidential Candidate of this leadership race. If you'll all excuse me, I have to kill Barrack Obama and John McCain".
Meanwhile
Magneto a.k.a. Magnus Lenshire stood before his handy work and couldn't help but feel a little bit of pride. Surrounding him were several corpses of superhero McCain supporters. As a result of his personal history Magneto hated all regular humans, but he hated Obama the least. When Dr. Doom had made his announcement only moments ago, Deathstroke, Electra, Nite Owl, Silk specter, the Hat, Coldcast and Menagerie had already been dead, Courtesy of the Master of Magnetism.
Coldcast's corpse in particular had Magneto smiling. The young man had styled himself as a master of electromagnetism and had the nerve to call Magneto old and weak. So Magneto gently showed Coldcast the error of his ways. The one called Hat was a much tougher nut to crack though. Magneto had been unable to break open Hat's runic shield, fortunately the Hat made the mistake of wearing a shirt with metal buttons. Now the Hat would never make a mistake again.
Magneto had to admit, Dr. Doom had a pretty good plan, kill both the candidates and himself become president. Ah well, Dr. Doom should present no problem against Magneto. The man would be as helpless as Iron Man before Magneto's powers.
Before Magneto could go and act on this new plan, he became aware that he had company. Circling around him like vultures were the Avengers. Notably though, Thor and Iron Man were absent and Captain America's eyes were looking like a pair of bloodshot grapefruit. What the hell was up with his eyes?
Captain America issued an ultimatum to the mutant terrorist, "Look Magnus, we can't guarantee anything in court, but if you agree to support John McCain, then I promise that the Judge will go easy on you".
Hawkeye pointed out to Captain America, "Captain, that's a telephone booth. Magneto's actually over there". He then spun around Captain America in Magneto's general direction.
Captain America glared Hawkeye with eyes that were totally blind and still hurting like hell. He tried to save some face, "Well, uh, Avengers . . . ATACK"!
Back to Dr. Doom
When Doom made his announcement, it was only natural that everybody freaked. Nobody in the giant rowdy mob wanted Dr. Doom as the president of the United States. He'd be a worse president than Lex Luthor and George W. Bush combined.
When every single superhero in the streets below pounced on him, Dr. Doom really didn't care. To him, they were just a bunch of clowns who were lucky enough to be blessed with super human ability. Doom fended off the heroes with a combination of repulsor blasts, dracon beams, the doombots attacked the heroes with a much more diverse range of weapons.
From the maelstrom below the voice of Deadpool cried out, "Dracon beams? What the hell, I thought you were Dr. Doom, not Visser Three".
Doom rolled his eyes, Deadpool could be quite the annoyance. Perhaps when he became president he could dissect Deadpool and unravel the secret behind his amazing healing factor. For now though, he let the doombots take care of the pop culture spouting mercenary.
Deadpool was about to lecture Dr. Doom that the kid writing this fic would never allow him to win when one of the doombots sprayed Deadpool with acid. "OW OW OW OW OW, ACID, HURTING, MASK INTACT, which is good but still HURTING"!
Suddenly somebody sprayed Deadpool with a jet of something which seemed to nullify the acid. "Thanks citizen, for that I won't kill", he then saw who had helped him out, "you". Not sparing a beat, Deadpool whipped out a sword and proceeded to attack the Batman.
Batman tried to reason with Deadpool, "Stop this; Doom is a much bigger priority".
Deadpool rebutted with his own brand of non-logic, "No it's not Brucey, you're that shitty Christian Bale Batman, for that you must die".
"You're not making any sense", Batman blocked Deadpool's sword with his armored gauntlets, "Doom is getting away, we have to stop him".
"No, you don't understand, Batman", Deadpool explained while simultaneously trying to behead the dark knight, "Frank Miller was a genius who created the most mind blowingly wicked Batman comic ever: The Dark Knight returns".
Deadpool tried to go for a gun but it was knocked out of his hand by a batarang, "Tim Burton was a guy with really fucked up hair who to date has done the best Batman movie ever. Understand so far"?
"No", Batman grunted as he tried to deliver a kick to Deadpool's knee cap.
"And Christopher Nolan was some no-talent peckerwood who tried to make Batman realistic". Batman broke through Deadpool's defenses and started to pummel the Dickens out of the talkative mercenary. Even through the worse of Batman's beating, Deadpool never shut up, "I mean come on OUCH, what the fuck? OOH, BROKEN RIBS! What's realistic about a man who dresses up as a NOT IN THE FACE! Man who dresses up as a bat? This town needs an enema"!
Up in the sky, Dr. Doom was doing pretty well for himself. He and the doombots were holding their own against what must have been over a hundred heroes with more joining the fray with each minute that passed. However, all of these costumed fools were slowing the evil genius down, which was unacceptable. Every moment he spent playing patty cake with cosmic fools, was one more moment for a clear winner to emerge in the presidential duel. So, Dr. Doom decided that the heroes deserved somebody else to fight.
From past the horizon, two doombots flew towards the center of the action. The two mechanical henchmen of Doom were carrying what would look like a metal box to the eyes of the uninformed. In actuality it was a cryogenic storage unit which housed what was essentially a ticking time bomb of a man whose destructive potential could put the atomic bomb to shame.
In the streets below, Giant man and Wasp fought for their lives alongside a hundred or more other heroes, many of them they didn't recognize. Giant man was horrified when he accidently stepped on somebody. "HOLY SHIT I STEPPED ON SOMEBODY"!
Wasp yelled at her husband, "STOP FUCKING AROUDN AND KEEP YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME, IT'S ONLY THE COMMEDIAN"!
Deadpool had been punching Robin in the face when he heard this. He'd been punching Robin because the boy wonder was a McCain supporter. He pummeled Robin and yelled, "Why couldn't you be the girl Robin from the Dark Knight-hey! Did somebody say comedian"? The Merc with the mouth dropped unconscious Robin to the ground and yelled, "Hey, the Comedian was vaporized by Doom like three pages ago. How many Comedians are there here anyhow"?
As if on queue, fifty clones of the Comedian raised their weapons and yelled out, "YO"!
Deadpool was taken aback, "I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes. KEEP FIGHTING ASSHOLES"! The clones of Edward Blake were happy to comply.
Some place else in the city
Magneto was wounded; Hawkeye had managed to shoot the master of Magnetism with an arrow. Of course, Magneto got returned the favor, using Captain America's metal shield to behead Hawkeye. Still, Magneto was wounded, losing blood and had realized something about himself. He was getting old. Back in the day, Magneto could stop bullets in mid air without even breaking a sweat.
In addition to pain, Magneto was feeling embarrassment. Had his mind dulled to the point where he had been unable to spot the fact that Hawkeye's arrows had metal arrowheads? Or was it his powers and not his mind that had dulled? Whatever the case, his attackers from earlier were hot on his heels.
Daredevil earlier had decided to join the party and was swinging to and fro, dodging flying shards of metal sent his way by Magneto. All of the sudden, Daredevil took a throwing knife to the back. Immediately, the man without fear hit the ground like a stone. It was Deadpool who had thrown the knife at Daredevil and it was Deadpool who apologized to the wounded Daredevil, "Sorry about that Daredevil, I thought you were Ben Affleck".
Fortunately, at that moment, one of the Comedian clones shot Deadpool seventeen times in the head followed up with three more gunshots to the groin. The Comedian clone chuckled at Deadpool, who was just starting to regenerate from the damage, "Ooooohhhh, you nasty bastard. You made me wet myself". In response, Comedian started to pour a hand held canister of napalm all over Deadpool. The half healed mercenary groaned, "This is going to hurt isn't it"?
Magneto naturally paid no heed to these events because he had his own wellbeing to worry about. The avengers threw themselves at him and were met with a lethal hail of metal. Magneto strained as he used his powers to rip up literally tons of metal piping from the sewers and fling them at the oncoming heroes.
Captain America, still blind as a bat, was run through with a long narrow sewage pipe. Giant Man had separated from his wife earlier to fight Magneto only now to take a deadly hailstorm of water pipes in the legs and abdomen.
Magneto, weak as he was still managed to laugh, "Fools, did you really think that you could stop me? The Master of Magnetism, the one who has survived demons and gods"! Magneto's victory speech was cut short as the Wasp suddenly grew to full size behind him and grabbed the elderly mutant by the testicles with a grip of Iron.
Wasp whispered to Magneto, "This is for hurting my husband you son of a bitch". She then screamed to the remaining avengers. "GET HIM".
Not far away
Aqua man was acting like a complete psycho. He was a man who simply did not give a shit, about anything. He was just going berserk, killing or bashing the crap out of anything that stood in his way.
There was a bar where people were watching the fighting on television. The bartender had refused to close down his bar on this most special day, even while superheroes tore up the city, there were still folks who wanted to hunker down in front of the television and down a few drinks.
People were cheering on their favorite heroes when suddenly Namor the Submariner came flying through the door of the tavern. The sea lord landed on his back, his face adorned with numerous slashes and bruises.
Aqua man flew through the open doorway and pounced on Namor like a wild wounded animal. Aqua man screamed in Namor's face and head butted his opponent with enough force that Namor was out like a light.
Aqua man jumped up and started to attack the patrons of the bar. First, he threw a wicked punch that knocked the bouncer out. Then he threw another wicked punch at the bartender, who fell down like a house of cards. Aqua man threw yet anther wicked punch at a hooker whose only crime was wearing too much make-up. The hooker flew across the bar as if she were made of straw.
Aqua man must have had a sliver of sanity during all his madness because he refrained from using his devastatingly sharp hook.
At that moment, Spiderman swung through the open doorway. He had meant to try and reason with the Atlantean monarch, because frankly, the guy was totally out of control. Spiderman didn't get far though. Aqua man grabbed the wall crawler and head butted him. Spiderman was out like a light. Aqua man then turned around and head butted a fire extinguisher. Now Aqua man was out like a light.
The Main fight area
Wonder woman was having a dandy time. She had smashed that fool Iron Man and was now taking out some of her anger on him. Truth be told, Diana rather enjoyed stomping on Tony Stark's testicles. What did women see in this worm anyways? All that he had going for him was his overflowing wallet and his genius intellect. Bruce Wayne had both of those things. Bruce Wayne also had ravishing good looks, well developed muscles, gorgeous facial hair when he chose to grow it out and the sexiest voice on this side of the planet.
Wonder Woman was brought out of her little reverie when she saw something. Some doombots had dropped a man from a great height. As the man dropped she observed that he was changing. The man plummeted towards the earth, screaming as any man would. Halfway down though, he started to change, he was growing larger. Also, the man's skin was turning a radioactive hue of green. "Hera help us", the Amazon princess breathed.
In the skies
Doom was rather pleased with himself. Bruce Banner was a hard man to find. But then again, how long could he remain hidden from Dr. Doom? If Dr. Doom was capable of lobotomizing the seemingly omnipotent Dr. Manhattan and reducing him to a power source for Doom's castle, then he could definitely catch one lone fugitive.
And now, the remaining superheroes would be too busy with the Hulk to stop Dr. Doom from taking his rightful place as the leader of the most powerful country in the world. As he flew over the city, leaving the Hulk to lay waste to the competition, something latched onto his armor.
Doom did not stop flying as he looked to see who was rude enough to try and stop him. It was Rorschach, flying towards doom using a grappling gun built for him by Nite Owl. Rorschach held the grappling gun with his good hand and in his mangled hand; he held a gun loaded with armor piercing bullets. He was going to shoot Doom in the eye, blow up his head like a melon inside that cold grey armor.
Rorschach hit Doom with great force, though Doom pretended not to notice this. Rorschach brought up the gun to try and shoot Doom in the eye, but the evil doctor was already thinking ahead. Dr. Doom swatted the gun away and grabbed Rorschach's remaining hand. Dr. Doom's power armor crushed Rorschach's hand, causing the bone to powder. Yet the masked vigilante made no outcry. Dr. Doom pulled Rorschach closer, "Your bravery and your strength are commendable". He dropped Rorschach like a piece of trash.
Dr. Doom fired his armor's thrusters, he had better things to do than watch simple minded fools plunge to a fate that was long overdue. Suddenly, something fast and powerful slammed into Doom. Caught of guard, his attacker grabbed him and took them both into a dive bomb. Doom and his assailant hit the pavement with enough force to shatter it. He found himself looking into the face of Wonder Woman, who had nothing to say.
The Tick was having no fun whatsoever. About two minutes ago, the Hulk had beaten the tar out of every superhero in his vicinity and then moved to attack the Tick. The reason that the Tick was not having any fun was that the Hulk was trying to crush his head. "HULK CRUSH GOOFY BLUE MAN'S HEAD"!
Hulk was arguably the strongest being in the universe. The angrier he got, the stronger he got. Currently he was at the strongest he'd ever been in his entire existence. Even so, the Tick's skull showed no signs of being crushed. An incredible feat given that the Hulk was squeezing hard enough to turn coal into diamonds.
All of the sudden, something hit the hulk, freeing the Tick in the process. Hulk regained his bearings and looked at his attackers. There before him was Superman and Thor, both were looking pretty rough. Thor's face looked as if it had been clawed by a thousand cats, courtesy of Superman's heat vision. Superman's face looked exactly like a boxer's face after losing a fifteen round fight, courtesy of Thor's hammer.
Superman spoke first, "Since you don't really care about the presidential election. Thor and I have come to a decision".
Thor picked up where Superman left off, "We hath decided to puteth aside our grievances and face thee down, green knave"! In response, the Hulk charged the pair like a runaway train.
The fighting was growing worse. Hundreds of superheroes and villains were battling to the death in the streets, from American Maid to Black Panther, from Mr. Sinister to the Chainsaw Vigilante and somebody who called herself the lunch lady. Nobody had been left out in this mammoth fight.
Deadpool stood atop a tall cathedral and shouted down to the morass below, "HEY EVERYBODY, THE PRESIDENT IS A N-BONG-"! Deadpool's cry was cut off by the sound of the church bells ringing.
In the streets, Starfire asked, "What did he say"?
The Flash said, "I think he said that the President is near".
Deadpool hopped up and down in anger, "NO GOD DAMMIT, I SAID THAT THE PRESIDENT IS A N-BONG-", once more, the church bells cut off Deadpool.
From a nearly deserted street, the sound of a special whistle was heard. The Canadian delegate lay on the ground, battered, broken and realizing that Batman was much tougher than the Canadian tundra mutants. All the competitors and champions knew what the whistle meant, the fight was over. One of the candidates had emerged victorious. Every single fighter, hero and villain, who had entered themselves into the giant fight raced with all speed towards the whistle's source.
There, at the foot of the Washington Memorial was Barack Obama and John McCain. Two ordinary men who had been completely forgotten by their colorful allies and enemies. John McCain was dead. Barack Obama would now rise as the new President. Where would he take America, to prosperity or ruin, only time would tell?
But Deadpool wanted to speak now, "That's it everybody. I'm outta here. I'm tired of being the comic relief of this story. But at times I was portrayed in a very flattering way, so it wasn't a total loss. Plus, I'm receiving a huge cash bonus for showing up today. And I got to kill the Comedian a bunch of times, some things money can't buy. One question though, how come all the heroes in Watchmen are all a bunch of queers and psychos"?
Batman just shoved Deadpool aside; already the man was taxing his patience. He shoved his way through the dispersing crowds of heroes to meet with Clark Kent. Kent was walking with a pronounced limp and one arm hung limp. The Hulk had done quite a number on Superman that was for sure.
Batman asked his old acquaintance, "Hanging in there Clark"?
Clark winced, "I'm just fine Bruce, I'd be worse off if it weren't for Thor".
Batman had to wonder, "How did you beat the Hulk"?
Superman answered honestly, "Simple, I tore one of the bastard's eyes out". Superman held up his hand to reveal a large green eyeball. Not ten feet away, Bruce Banner was covering his face with a bloody wad of tissue where his left eye should have been. Never let it be said that Superman is a boy scout
Batman asked Superman, "What now".
Superman responded, "Easy, we just go on about our business. And get some medical treatment first". Superman then gave Batman a knowing look, "Who did you vote for"?
Batman's expression was unreadable, "Does it matter".
Superman answered, "Not at all".