I don't even... This is just... Nevermind.
The Equilibrium of the Mind
They were friends once.
Well, she thinks they were but she wonders now if she actually imagined it all.
She couldn't decide what Taylor was to her.
A friend or an enemy? Both or neither?
Did it even matter?
She stands silently as she often did and just waits for Taylor to calm down.
"Why'd you have be an Emo?" Taylor demands and Andrea doesn't have an answer to that. She knows she ought to say, for the same reason that you're a Chav, but she doesn't because sometimes she wonders if that's a real reason.
Maybe she's just being difficult.
She walks away.
"If this place closes down then we'll have to go to other schools and by that I mean normal schools!"
Suddenly it's deathly quiet. It's not funny.
Andrea will never admit to how horrid she found that silence.
It felt like helplessness.
They're going to steal a painting.
They're going to steal a famous painting.
They're going to steal a famous painting from a famous gallery.
They're not going to get caught. Probably.
"I had a dream last night…" Taylor begins and Andrea looks at her and wonders why the Chav is talking to her.
"Then you'll take a zip line over the audience whilst the show is being recorded."
She hates heights.
Only Taylor knows it though.
Andrea wishes she didn't, though she doesn't know why.
"I had a dream last night..." Taylor says. "It was well weird…"
She gazes out the window thoughtfully.
She wonders why she's an Emo but only briefly.
She shrugs it off and looks away from the setting sun.
It was one of the many things that didn't matter.
It's always the same question.
The one that no one else cares about yet that haunts both her sleeping and waking moments.
Who am I?
"I had a dream last night… It was well weird. It didn't make sense at all…"
She draws because somehow it makes it real.
Sometimes it's like life is a dream.
Or a nightmare.
She hasn't decided which yet.
She knows she probably ought to stop thinking so much.
She isn't a Geek.
But then she doesn't think of Geek things, does she?
Might as well keep thinking then.
"I had a dream last night… It was well weird. It didn't make sense at all… but you were in it."
Andrea frowns at her briefly. Why?
She watches Chelsea, Chloe and Peaches breeze through to the final round.
She cheers.
But later on she realises that she doesn't really care.
The fact she doesn't care bothers her. A lot.
She was sure the Twins had done it that time.
She was sure they'd bloody killed themselves.
She smiles in weak relief as they high five enthusiastically.
"Let's go girls."
"I like what you've done to the place."
She doesn't say anything to it because Polly tells them to essentially 'shut up' but she's too tired of it all to snap at Taylor anyway.
She's aware that she hasn't in a long time.
She's also aware that every time she doesn't, Taylor gives her a look she can't decipher.
"I had a dream last night… It was well weird. It didn't make sense at all… but you were in it. You were smiling…"
Kelly reaches desperately for the wire but misses. Just.
Andrea bites her lip as Kelly looks to her frantically.
"I'm sorry," She mimes but it isn't going to be enough.
Kelly is stuck and it's all her fault.
She's never been so glad to see Miss Fritton with a crossbow.
Or anyone for that matter.
She ponders how long Kelly would have gotten in prison for stealing that painting.
She cuts off her thoughts.
She really doesn't want to know.
"I had a dream last night… It was well weird. It didn't make sense at all… but you were in it. You were smiling… and it were a real smile."
Real? What does a 'real' smile look like?
They saved the school.
She should be happy right?
Then why is there just that familiar aching void?
Is she emotional or has she forgotten how to feel?
When was the last time she cried?
Has she ever cried at all?
"I had a dream last night… It was well weird. It didn't make sense at all… but you were in it. You were smiling… and it were a real smile. When was the last time you smile properly?" Taylor says softly as she looks up at Andrea who gazes at her.
"I don't know," Andrea replies.
Taylor sighs. That wasn't the answer she wanted.
Miss Fritton pays back the bank.
They don't ask questions.
They just want their money.
Bastards.
Andrea stares at the night sky for the longest time.
She wonders the same things she always does. She can't stop herself.
She looks down at the drop off the front of the building and thinks.
Would it hurt?
"I don't know," Andrea says. Taylor sighs. That wasn't the answer she wanted.
"Then when was the last time you let yourself feel anything?" She asks. Andrea doesn't know what to say to that so she says nothing.
"… Why are you an Emo?" Taylor questions for the millionth time and she waits.
"I don't know," Andrea repeats and Taylor's jaw clenches and she looks away. Andrea realises that she's said the wrong thing.
Does it matter?
For once she knows the answer.
She sits on the cold stone and lets the biting wind chill her to the core.
She can't remember when she last felt anything.
It's so much easier to just forget.
Does it matter?
For once she knows the answer.
Of course it does.
She just wishes she knew how to say it right.
Taylor was a lot of things.
She lied, cheated, cursed, punched, bruised and cut.
She did a lot of those things to Andrea.
Ironically enough, she was also the only person Andrea would die for.
Andrea takes a shuddering breath.
She looks out across the grounds and wishes for everything to just…
Stop.
Give her time. Let her think. Just stop.
Of course it does.
She just wishes she knew how to say it right.
"Why don't you know?" Taylor whispers and then she cracks. She cries.
She cries frustrated and angry tears and grabs Andrea's jacket across the table and makes her look her in the eye.
"Why don't you know?" Taylor says again with a trembling voice.
Andrea opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out. She just… doesn't know.
There was a time when Andrea could laugh honestly at a good joke, or alternatively a crap one.
Taylor really had been a horrible comedian.
She closes her eyes and listens to the wind.
Just forget. It's what she's best at. Just forget that anything matters.
Does it?
Andrea opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out. She just… doesn't know.
"Talk to me!" Taylor pleads.
"What do you want me to say?" Andrea returns softly and Taylor groans with gritted teeth and the tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Rea… Don't do this to me. Please… Please just talk to me…"
There had been a time where Andrea could cry.
Her and Taylor had to have been friends once. Must have been.
Because the last time she cried was when they had the argument that ended everything.
She's sure.
"Rea… Don't do this to me Please… Please just talk to me…"
Andrea frowns. Taylor called her Rea.
"You called me Rea…" She says aloud and though she isn't sure why, she knows it's the right thing to say because Taylor smiles at her.
"Yeah…" She agrees tearfully. Andrea wonders why she noticed that Taylor called her that but then she realises why.
Because it matters. Something matters.
Andrea has forgotten how to feel.
By the end of her time at St Trinians she's forgotten how to be Emo.
It's like forgetting how to walk. Or ride a bike.
It shouldn't be possible but then it shouldn't be possible that Taylor is the only person who can both take away her ability to feel by leaving and then give it back by returning.
She's pulled to her feet and into a secure embrace that she has to return.
"I promise I'll fix ya'…" Taylor murmurs and Andrea's grip tightens.
She's scared, mainly of herself.
But all of a sudden everything matters.
They were friends once.
She knows they were.
She isn't creative enough to imagine it even if she can draw and besides…
She's pretty certain she wouldn't be in love with Taylor if they hadn't been.
Do review this... thing. It was tiring to write. Also, sorry that it isn't a particularly... cheerie read so near Christmas but y'know. You can't blame me, it wrote itself. And how do you people always write good Christmas fics anyway? I mean, come on! Where do you get your ideas from?
Anyway, yes, review because I could do with some festive cheer. Oh yeah and Merry Christmas!
EDIT: The gaps between the parts vanished. I imagine it was quite confusing.