Chapter 1 Like a virgin

A/N: This is a translated version of the original work authorized by the author Fiona (She doesn't have a ff account unfortunately), she's still continuing with the work. Up till now, she has already posted over 100 chapters/ 300K+ words. I've only finished the translation of the first few chapters so stay tunned!

Also, those who read my fic will realize that Fiona inspired me of some plot in mine so all credits go to her for her wonderful work!

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Bad dreams always last, good dreams always end in a split second. You think you have it all, but you always end up with empty hands. Then comes remorse, the constant and frequent regret... If only I hadn't got on that freaking plane, if only I hadn't agreed to accept the freaking Harper Avery, if only I hadn't succeeded in printing the freaking 3D functioning heart, if only I hadn't said yes to Burke's request to take over for him, if only I hadn't left SGH. So much as...if only I hadn't freaking determined to be the best surgeon in the first place...

But it's too late now, isn't it? Nothing could start over again, right?

Witnessing the plane on fire and broken into two pieces right in the middle, Cristina was constantly cursing the universe in her mind. However, she didn't scream like the other passengers, she's a private person after all. Making a scene in front of everyone else before dying doesn't suit her because she's a freaking cold, selfish and competitive person. On the other hand, this is indeed the most appropriate farewell for Dr. Yang, isn't it? Dying under warm cover, surrounded by families and friends and taking the last breath in peace is never suitable for the tough Cristina, isn't it?

It just doesn't occur to her that it would be so soon. Cristina signed in abjuration, trying her best not to feel the weightlessness brought by the rapid plane crash and the screaming of people swept away forcefully by the air flow.

Even if she's the best surgeon, there's nothing she could do about it. But shit, god knows how much she hates this powerless feeling. This feeling that whatever she does, she can't salvage anything. She just sit there and watch everything happens.

Just like when she opens the patient's chest but find there's nothing she could do. Just like when she was doing compressions non-stop but the guy on the ambulance wouldn't breathe...Just like, just like when she was facing George's body but her eyes were frozen and couldn't produce tears, just like when she heard Izzie's decision to leave over the phone but couldn't utter a word...Just like when she was facing the divorce paper Owen gave her, her heart was trembling but she didn't know what to do except for signing the papers. Or just like a long time ago, when she was left lost and broken on that unfinished wedding. Or just like in the beginning of everything, when she was bleeding out in the OR and couldn't answer the question raised by Dr. Burke even if she knew the answer...

Powerless, yes, she's feeling powerless and desperate now rather than fear or sorrow. Whatever she does wouldn't change anything. She used to be scared to death when a part of her was repeating those words to herself. She used to swear to herself that giving up is better than being out of control. That's why she signed the divorce paper without a doubt, that's also why she terminated the pregnancy...twice...with two different men, the first time of which she didn't even acknowledge the father.

Cristina Yang is inapproachable, fearless, heartless and the best surgeon. This is a compliment, though with sarcasm. But she would like to think of it as others' jealousy when they couldn't be her. However, the invincible Cristina Yang couldn't compete with death and karma after all, could she?

With another drastic vibration of the plane, Cristina grabbed the rail of the seat unconsciously. It is so lucky and so strange that her seat wasn't blew away from the cabin. This is against science, the freaking seat number is so close to the cracked cabin door that it should be dancing samba in the trophosphere by now. Maybe it's due to the reaction force between the internal and external force...

Crap, I am indeed a strange person. Cristina grins ironically at herself and discard the scarf blew to her face from god knows who. Even till this moment, I am still capable of exploring the speculative science. But the most delightful thing for me now is that I can finally prove the debate lasting for thousands of years between the science and religious field- whether there is such place existing as heaven or hell. It's such a pity that I won't be able to publish the paper in Science journal, or else it would definitely cause a hit even larger than printing a 3D heart...

Waves of dizziness and nausea hit her. Whatever it is, based on the degree of pain, it was possibly a lethal trauma. If I were in SGH with Derek and Owen operating on me, maybe there is still hope. But under the circumstances ...death is probably 100% guaranteed.

She just wish that the trauma wouldn't look nasty, she wants to keep her last piece of dignity at the funeral... The pain lasts, but is fading away as time goes by, this is not good, this indicates that my organs is starting to fail...Cristina couldn't concentrate anymore, familiar faces started to flash one after another in her brain...She's always doubtful about the so-called near-death experience but surprisingly it does exist...her step father, her mother...Izzie, George, Alex, my dear 'MAGIC' fellow interns...of course the always reckless and loyal twisted sister- Meredith. Mere, sorry I have to break your heart...Owen, yes, my Owen, maybe leaving you is the worst decision I have ever made in my life, but forgive me, I couldn't admit it even till now...Finally...sure enough it's that face...that black, arrogant, handsome man that always leave me with his back to chase after, that man I could never reach but enjoyed his life without me all the same...
'Edra wants to be a mom. She's trained as a surgeon, and she gave it up. Now she stays home and take care of the kids. She's supportive of me, of my dreams. Edra is the love of my life. She's my world. My family is my world. I don't want you, Cristina.'

He said it in a sweet and soft tone but he's also freaking cold and proud. Are you showing off your happiness? Your I-can-be-happy-without-you happiness? Or are you telling me what I gave up back then? Telling me what I could never obtain?

Shit, Shit...desperation and rage cracked in Cristina's chest at the same time, compressing everyone of her nerves. I'm not wrong, I never made the wrong choice! So no, I won't regret my choice, never have and never will, even for one second! I'm living a life that I want...

The most dramatic pain struck her at last, in the surrounding waves of screams, the tough surgical legend Dr. Yang, the Cristina that never panicked slipped out a sharp scream.

A sharp ring of the phone wrecked the peace at night. Meredith rolled over in exhaustion, trying to tell herself that she didn't hear anything. But Zola brust into a loud cry before she could wake up.

"Ok,Ok." Meredith tried to calm Zola while reaching for the phone. This better be good, she groaned. Waking up a surgeon that had just finished a 36 hr on call, whoever it is has to have a perfect reason.

"This is Dr. Grey. How can I help you?" Meredith answered with a weary tone.

"It's me...Owen." A shaky voice came from the other side of the line, he seemed to choke on his sobs.

Owen? At this time of the day? Must be something big. Meredith felt herself wide awake at once. Owen is an extremely calm person, no one knows better than I do. After knowing him for so many years, he had never ring me at midnight with his trembling voice. Unless...No, that's impossible. Last night she just spoke with Cristina on the phone. She was annoyingly cocky as usual, clamouring her speech for Harper Avery Award. That tough woman god can't even manage to defeat...But for the love of God, why, why on earth is my heart beating so fast...

"Owen, tell me, what the hell happened?" Meredith swallowed hard, trying to suppress the trembling of her fingertips.

"Meredith, it's Cristina. She...she's in an accident..." The microphone slipped from Meredith's palm immediately.

"Sir, Sir, are you alright? Sir, can you hear me?"

In the dim light, a slim but tall figure was about to lean forward and fall to his side until a black and strong arm hold up his body against the marble desk.
"Yes, I'm listening." After a few seconds of silence, he answered with a hoarse voice, in his usual calmness.

The calmness seemed to settle the nerves on the other side. He swallowed hard and plucked up his courage to go on delivering the news.

"Dr. Burke, like I said earlier, the plane that Dr. Yang took crashed. All the passengers together with cabin crews, that's 298 people altogether. No survival was found. After the airport called, the board gathered an emergency meeting. But everyone was on edge and had no idea what to do next. You know, after you left, Dr. Yang took over for all the management of the institute. Without her, we...we..." The crew on the other side choked on his voice and didn't know how to continue. He spoke again after a long term of hesitation. "So, we came to the conclusion that only you can take a grasp of this whole situation. We know with everything going on in your family now...but we couldn't think of another way, the institute was in a mess. We already sent someone to the accident scene, but what to do afterwards, how to host Dr. Yang's funeral, how to keep the institute running...Please come back and help us with that, Please."

The voice on the other side was anxious and eager, but the man didn't answer, he just stepped back slowly until the large shadow of the trees outside the window skillfully concealed his usually calm and cold face. No one could see through the look on his face...