Disclaimer: Characters from The O.C. don't belong to me. Everyone else does.
A/N: So, after the success of my first long O.C. fic, "Hero", I thought that I'd write another one. Now, this fic is a little darker then any of the others I've written, so you've been given fair warning. But don't let that steer you away. Just review and let me know what you think and, of course, enjoy!
Prologue
Ryan Atwood didn't believe that women still died in childbirth. It seemed so The Little House on the Prairie, a danger that was no longer real, something read about in ancient stories, something that no longer happened. It was one of the fears that had never entered his mind since learning his wife of two years was pregnant. He was still having a hard time allowing the words to enter his head now.
And so Ryan sat in the tiny plastic chair in a stark white hospital waiting room with a nameless doctor sitting beside him and several other expectant fathers trying not to stare. "Mr. Atwood?" The doctor chanced, attempting to jar Ryan out of his stony state. "Mr. Atwood?"
Ryan blinked and looked at the mind. "Yes?" He mumbled, as though he expected to hear something different from the doctor now. He didn't want to hear again that his wife was dead.
The doctor didn't look at all surprised by his lack of attachment. "Mr. Atwood, there were complications with your wife's labor." He said, expanding on what he had said moments earlier. "She lost too much blood, her body was too weak to handle the contractions-"
Ryan watched him closely. "Are you trying to tell me that my wife bled to death?" He questioned with a calmness that scared him. "While having our baby?" He stared at the doctor who had just told him that his Marissa was dead. Suddenly, he hated him.
Slowly, the doctor nodded. "Yes. Uh...we're still trying to figure out exactly what happened but that's not our area of expertise." He swallowed.
Before he could say anything more, Ryan spoke. "Why couldn't you help you?" He questioned. The doctor had no answer. "Why wasn't I there?" For that he blamed himself, allowing the doctors to so easily usher him out of the room when things had started to go wrong. All Ryan could see in the back of his mind were Marissa's frightened eyes as he was being led out of the room by a nurse. "Our baby." His wife had whispered with tears running down her cheeks. If only then they had known that the baby wasn't the only one in danger.
Ryan wished that he felt something about not thinking of his child until that moment but he couldn't. All he could think about was Marissa.
The doctor was silent, unable to think of an answer to his question. "Sometimes these things happen," he told Ryan slowly, "and no one really knows why-"
"Oh, don't feed me that bullshit." Ryan snapped. "My wife is dead, I don't want to hear about God's plan."
The doctor didn't seem surprised by his anger; the other soon-to-be fathers in the room were watching him with false looks of sympathy. Ryan could tell that inside they were counting their blessings, thanking God that they had been passed over that evening.
So suddenly that Ryan had no idea what had brought them on, tears filled his eyes. "My wife is dead." He mumbled, pressing his hands against his face. "Oh Marissa." He moaned.
Not once in his life had Ryan ever believed that things would end up like this. After surviving the trails of high school and life in New Port, California together, Ryan and Marissa had decided that it would suit them better to just be friends. They went through college that way, tagging around with their best friends and the perfect couple, Seth Cohen and Summer Roberts, still trying to make sense of the drama that had ruled their teenage years.
Everything had changed one night when Marissa had come to his dorm room and had told him that, among other things, being away from him was too difficult. From that night on, Ryan hadn't let her out of his sight and, though they had only been married two years, it might as well have been a lifetime.
And now, here was a doctor he had never seen before in his life, telling him that his beautiful wife was dead. Ryan squeezed his eyes shut so tightly that all future tears were quelled and lifted his head. "I want to see her." He told the man.
The doctor looked perplexed. "Who?" He questioned, sincerely surprised by Ryan's request.
Ryan narrowed his eyes. "Who?" He repeated, somewhat angrily. "My wife."
"Mr. Atwood," the doctor began carefully, "right now, I don't believe that's a good idea. Perhaps you should call some family and then later you can-"
Ryan stood abruptly, cutting the man off before he could finish. "You cannot tell me that I cannot see my wife." The doctor had no response. "I want to see her."
More tears came then before Ryan could do anything to stop them. He suddenly knew that he would never really see Marissa again. There was only the shell of Marissa left now and that shell wouldn't laugh, or smile or tell him that she loved him. Ryan's world was crumbling around him and he couldn't even hold a single piece together.
Ryan wasn't even aware that he was being lead out of the waiting room by the doctor. He wasn't aware of anything anymore.
"I hope it's a baby girl." Summer Cohen said to her husband as they entered the hospital. Needless to say, they were both excited about the first edition to their extended family but Summer was more then willing to speak for both of them.
Seth rolled his eyes gamely. "I hope not." He mumbled. "You'll have that kid spoiled rotten by the time it gets out of the hospital."
Summer smiled. "I don't see anything wrong with being spoiled." Case in point, the fact that her arms were laden with stuffed toys and other assorted gifts for the baby. And, of course, a bouquet for the mommy.
Seth knew that the presents for the infant were the reason that it had taken them almost an hour to get to the hospital after Marissa had called, full of excitement. Summer had spent the better part of that hour, tearing through a baby-store, claiming that none of the toys were safe for newborns before buying most of them.
And now, here they were, having missed the first moments of their new niece of nephew's life because of a stuffed hippopotamus. Seth now knew that the animal was safe for a baby, because it had fabric eyes, which was more then he ever wanted to know. All he wanted to do was see his brother and sister-in-law and their new baby.
"So, Cohen," Summer said, pulling Seth from his thoughts. "When are we going to have a baby?"
Seth raised an eyebrow. It was only lately that Summer had been getting serious about having children; they had been married for almost five years but she had never expressed the desire to start a family. Now it seemed as though her mind was starting to turn away from her job as a fashion designer, attempting to open her own boutique in downtown New Port, and toward having children to occupy her time with instead. "Well, I don't see why we can't-"
His reply was silenced on his lips upon seeing his mother, Kirsten Cohen, standing in the middle of a waiting room with tears in her eyes and on her cheeks. When she saw them, she turned paler then she already was, and started in their direction.
Summer felt her heart begin pounding rapidly in her chest, her blood growing cold and her legs going week. "Oh God." She whispered. "What's happened to her?"
Seth would never know how Summer seemed to know that the reason for his mother's tears was Marissa but he would always attribute it to the instinct that developed after you knew a person for so many years. But that was hardly the thought going through his mind as Kirsten stood before them; he just wanted to hear that everyone was all right and those were just tears of joy.
"Summer," Kirsten whispered, resting her shaky hand against Summer's pale cheek. This action caused her daughter-in-law to drop the items in her hands and take a step back, as though it would keep her from hearing what Kirsten had to say. "I'm so sorry baby." More tears fell onto Kirsten's cheeks.
Seth managed to catch Summer as she collapsed, not quite into a faint but simply because her legs could no longer support her. By then she was already crying, even though nothing concrete had been said but Seth knew that there didn't have to be. The look in his mother's eyes said everything.
And still he had to ask. Cradling his wife against his chest, Seth looked at his mother. "Mom," his voice was growing taunt and hoarse, "what happened?"
Summer shuddered in his arms, unwilling to listen, and pulled herself to her feet. "Please," she whispered to Kirsten, "tell me it was the baby." Though she hated every ounce of herself for wishing for the death of a newborn, she couldn't bare the thought of losing her best friend, her sister. She couldn't lose Marissa.
Kirsten opened her mouth to speak, but could form no words. Instead, she just shook her head and managed to mumble the name, "Marissa." Summer let out a strangled cry and whirled in Seth's direction, pressing her face into his chest, body racked with sobs. Seth put his arms around her, holding her but doing nothing to verbally console her. There would be no point.
"How?" Seth said to his mother, who had begun crying again. Kirsten shook her head once more, shrugging helplessly. He swallowed and asked, "Where's Ryan?"
"He's with your father." Kirsten answered, wiping her eyes. "Seth, he hasn't said a word."
Seth could only imagine; Marissa had been Ryan's whole world, there was nothing more important to him. He couldn't even begin to think about what it would be like to loose Summer; he wouldn't have the strength to say anything either.
"I want to see him." Seth told Kirsten, knowing that he would not be denied his request.
Kirsten only nodded.
Summer sat in a cramped doctor's office, sandwiched between Seth and Sandy, fingering the fuzzy ear of the stuffed hippopotamus and listening to a balding doctor tell her how her best friend had died. She could see Ryan sitting motionless beside her husband, neither of them speaking as the doctor tried to give them the best explanation. Only Kirsten was crying now; Summer figured that she had slipped into shock, repressing her sobs for the following weeks.
Once the doctor had finished his choppy explanation, the room filled with silence. Moments passed before Sandy cleared his throat and asked the question that had been weighing heavily on everyone's minds. "What about the baby?"
Ryan didn't even move when Sandy mentioned his newborn child; it was as though they were speaking of someone else's family and he was just watching, unaffected by it all. Seth looked over at his brother, praying for some reaction, praying to see a little of the old Ryan in there somewhere but there was nothing. Ryan was dying inside and it was a silent demise.
The doctor almost appeared to brighten slightly. "Miraculously, the child was born without complications." He told them, looking at Ryan. "You've got a beautiful baby girl down in the nursery."
Summer felt as though someone were tearing her heart into pieces. One girl had been ripped out of the world so that another could be born, it seemed; the girl that Marissa had dreamed of. Tears pricked her eyes then and she pressed her face against the clean, sterile smelling fabric of the stuffed animal. Seth reached over and took her hand, squeezing tightly, though she didn't really mind. It was better to feel a different kind of pain.
Ryan was aware that all eyes were on his, but that didn't make it any harder not to care that his daughter had survived where his wife hadn't. This wasn't right, this was not how it was supposed to be; by this time he was supposed to have a family, a complete family, with Kirsten and Sandy acting as overbearing grandparents and Summer running around the hospital room making sure that mommy and baby were happy. And he and Marissa were supposed to complete the picture as the perfect parents, holding their child and imagining all the things that would come for her in the future; they would name her, imagine what she would be like, all the ways she would make them proud.
Without Marissa, Ryan couldn't bring himself to imagine those things. There should be no baby without Marissa and he knew that if he had the choice, he would give back his daughter in a heartbeat. All he wanted was his wife, whom he knew better then he knew himself, not some daughter-stranger that had taken her away from him. Taken her place.
Kirsten seemed to sense his lack of reaction and rested her hand on his shoulder. "Ryan." she said gently, "Don't you want to see her?"
Ryan pushed her hand away. "Not right now." He mumbled simply.
Seth thought about arguing with him but there was no point. A man shouldn't be forced to see his daughter when he was still grieving for his wife.
Summer stared past her own reflection into the large nursery before her, which was filled with many tiny babies, all wrapped in cotton blankets, blinking and trying to adjust to this strange new world. She could tell right away that the one crying, unable to be comforted by the nurse on duty, was her best friend's child. The baby girl seemed to sense something was wrong, that this world wasn't the one she had been promised and she could not be consoled. Summer wanted to go in and take the baby and hold her against her chest. "I know baby," she would whisper, "I miss her too."
A tear slipped down her cheek and Seth wiped it away before she had the chance to. Summer looked at her husband, whose face mirrored her own, a reflection of her grief. He and known Marissa as long as she had and they had both lost the same piece of their heart.
They were standing alone in front of the nursery, aside from another father, who was smiling at a baby and waving occasionally. Seth knew that Ryan should be doing the same, making sure his tiny daughter knew who he was but he was nowhere to be found at the moment. Nearly an hour ago, Ryan and Sandy had gone into the parking lot to be away from the hospital and they had yet to return. Kirsten was talking with the doctors and calling up Jimmy Cooper and Julie Cooper-Barnes, who had been rushing toward the hospital to see their grandchild.
This left Seth and Summer the only people to watch the tiny infant, to make sure that she wasn't completely alone. They were the only ones to make sure that when she cried, she was held and when she was hungry, she was fed. Summer looked back into the nursery, where the tiny baby was still being rocked by the plump nurse that was not her mother.
Summer wished that Marissa could see her beautiful child, with her wide eyes and tiny fingers, curled in a fist. She lightly touched the glass with her fingers and whispered, "Madison," so softly that she wasn't even sure if she had spoken.
But she had and Seth looked over at her, confused. "What?"
Summer didn't look away from the baby. "Madison." She reached. "That's what Marissa wanted to name her." Another tear slipped down her cheeks. "Madison Atwood."
Seth slipped his arm around his wife's waist. "We'll get through this." He promised, kissing her cheek. He looked at the baby. "I promise."
The baby, still nameless for Summer didn't have the heart to bring up Marissa's wishes around Ryan, was released from the hospital the following day to a father that had never seen her. In the hours she had been believe, Ryan had expressed no desire to see the child that had taken his wife from him and when Kirsten brought the child out into the waiting room, wrapped in a tiny pink blanket, with a forced smile on her face, Ryan just stared at the baby.
"Go ahead." Kirsten urged gently. "Hold her." She attempted to place the baby in his arms but Ryan stepped back, making it clear that he didn't want to touch the child, not yet. Kirsten looked surprised and hurt for the baby's sake and pressed the child closer against her chest, looking at Ryan with a strange look on her face. "Ryan, she's your daughter." She said frankly, as though this fact had escaped him somehow.
Ryan didn't look at her. "I'll be in the car." He mumbled. Before anyone could say anything more, he turned and headed into the parking lot.
As soon as he left, the baby started to cry, instantly catching the attention of every member of the extended Atwood, Cooper and Cohen family. Kirsten attempted to sooth the baby, rocking back and worth but her actions were to no avail and the child continued to scream.
Summer reached for the child and slipped her from Kirsten's grasp, kissing her tiny forehead and locks of baby-hair fuzz and holding her against her shoulder. "She misses her mommy." She mumbled to no one, holding the baby tightly.
"She needs her daddy." Julie remarked, crossing her arms over her shoulder. Her third husband, Robert Barnes, rested his hand on her shoulder, a silent warning that now was not the time to get into anything. In the ten years they had been married, Barnes had learned how to put up with what the New Port locals had deemed The Julie Cooper Experience and could understand her constant mood swings better then anyone else ever could. And he was channeling one now.
Julie, however, didn't appear to get the message and looked almost accusingly at Sandy and Kirsten. "What is wrong with him?" Though she had long got pass disapproving of her first daughter's husband, she still didn't approve of the fact that he was from Chino.
"He just lost his wife." Sandy defended, though he was beginning to wonder the same thing. "Give him some time."
Julie huffed. "What is that baby supposed to do until he's had enough time?" She questioned, looking over at her tiny granddaughter. "Who will take care of her until then?"
Everyone turned in the direction of Summer, who had finally gotten the baby to stop crying. Kirsten sighed and looked around at the faces of all the people who were waiting around to learn the tiny baby's every whim. "I don't think that will be a problem."