Something Familiar
Chapter 1: "The Twin Twin Terrors"
AKA: "Foxy Ladies
Foreword
Okay, I'm going to give you fair warning here:
You might not want to read this.
That's in bold because it's important. I tell people not to ready my author's notes all the time, yet they still do. Clearly people have a hard time with the phrase "Don't read this," so I'm hoping the bold type makes it a bit more effective.
Yeah, I'm talking to you. You know who you are.
This story is in the process of being rewritten. While I'm trying to ensure the rewrite is still interesting for people who have read this, there's going to be a fair amount of regurgitated material. It is a rewrite, after all.
Hell, I might just CTRL+C CTRL+V entire chunks if I'm feeling lazy.
So, you've had your fair warning. Go ahead and read this if you want. People have told me it's pretty decent, but I have good reason to question their taste in literature. If you don't understand what that reason is, most of this story is probably going to go over your head. Considering it's 90% bathroom humor and crude sexual innuendo, that's pretty sad.
So go ahead and read it if you want.
Just don't cry when you see some of the same crap again.
Harry's mouth dropped open in surprise as he emerged onto Platform 9 3/4.
It had actually happened. He had run through the barrier like it wasn't even there. It may as well have been empty air as far as Harry was concerned. He turned to look at the concrete wall he had just run through, and his mouth fell open even wider.
From this side the barrier wasn't there.
There was a wrought-iron archway behind him. Set in the top of the arch were the words, "Platform Nine and Three-Quarters." On the other side of the arch, he could see back into the station proper. Businessmen and travelers were simply passing by, completely oblivious to the platform behind the not-wall. He could see every one of them, but none of them even knew he was there. It was amazing! He could-
He could see a young redhead charging the arch, eyes closed as he pushed his loaded trolley with all his might. It was as if he intended to charge through the barrier by virtue of sheer force. He didn't even seem to notice when he crossed into the platform. Far from slowing, he continued to pick up speed despite being past the barrier. His eyes were still closed. He was headed straight for Harry.
What kind of an idiot runs around with their eyes shut? Harry wondered. He supposed he should try to get out of the way, but he had spent too long looking around. Any chance he had to avoid the eleven-year-old engine of destruction was long gone. He was moving far too fast to avoid. It was painfully obvious that Harry was doomed to take a high-speed trunk to the face. It was probably going to hurt quite a bit.
Luckily, he never found out. A pair of hands grabbed him by the collar and hauled him back. At the same time, a second pair of hands yanked his trunk in the other direction. The one man stampede thundered by, eyes still closed, man and trolley combined into a single unstoppable engine of destruction.
Then the unstoppable engine of destruction stopped.
Watching in fascination, Harry wondered how unlucky a person would have to be to be passing at just that moment. And the worst part? He definitely saw it coming.
The blonde's head turned at the sound of the approaching trolley. Harry vaguely recognized him as the boy with the arrogant sneer from Madam Malkin's. But now the sneer was gone, replaced with a look of shock and horror.
The unstoppable force met the immovable object. The trolleys collided, red's flying into the air with a shower of splinters bursting from a shattered corner. The blond's was driven back, jutting off the trolley and catching him in the crotch and stomach. His eyes bulged in an extremely comical manner. The trunk continued forward, the blonde's mass not nearly sufficient to stop it, and drove him to the ground.
The redhead was pitched over his cart, the force of the collision flipping him over the handle. He shot straight towards the blonde's trolley like an oversized bullet. There was a meaty thud as his face hit the handle. Harry couldn't help but note that the noise had an oddly hollow sound to it. The human projectile continued to follow his low ballistic arc. His close encounter with the trolley had set him spinning, turning him into a sort of flailing human shuriken. He arced rather ungracefully through the air. A girlish shriek echoed across the platform. Then gravity finally defeated momentum and the redhead came down.
He came down face first.
He came down lips first.
On the blond.
Their lips met, driven together by the almighty will of gravity. Horrified screams fought to emerge from their lips. They were muffled, but they could be heard clear across the station. The redhead yanked his head back, and shout to scream something.
At this point gravity decided prove its dominance once again. The blond's trunk came down square on the back of redhead's skull. It drove him back down, slamming him into the blonde's waiting lips.
The trunk tilted to the side and hit the station floor with a thud. The two boys were left lying there, lips still pressed together and completely unconscious.
"Awesome..."
Harry turned at the voice. It was one of the boys who went through the barrier before him. Red hair, lean build and freckles; Harry would bet his wand that he was related to the kamikaze student. They even had the same shabby robes, though they were in slightly better shape.
He was also wearing a fur draped around his neck.
The robes Harry could handle. The strange colors, frills and poofs that wizards seemed to favor were a bit harder to swallow. Turbans? Yeah, that was quite a bit odder. Especially when they were stuffed with garlic.
But, for some reason, the sight of a teenage boy wearing a gorgeous fur was tripping Harry's "What The Hell" reflex in a way that walking through a concrete wall hadn't.
"That has got to be-" the boy said.
"-the coolest thing-"
Harry spun around. Apparently there were two of them. Identical twins, obviously, and this one was dragging Harry's trunk as he walked towards them.
He was also wearing a fur, Harry noted.
"-that we've ever seen!" they finished together.
Harry stared over his shoulder, then looked down at the hand that was still loosely gripping his collar. "You pulled me out of the way..." he said. He was a little shell-shocked. Not because of the near miss, but because someone had done something to help him. No one cared enough to do something like that for him.
"Well we couldn't very well let you-"
"-get run down by our moron brother."
Harry stared blankly.
"Yes, I know, I know."
"It's hard to believe we're related, isn't it?"
"After all, I got all the good looks."
"You mean I got all the good looks."
"I'm afraid not, oh brother mine. Just look at the curve of my cheek!"
"Ah, but you have to take into account the set of my eyes, George!"
"But my freckles, Fred! See how they're the perfect distance apart?"
"Ah, but mine are at perfect geometric angles as defined by trans-spacial recursive geometric theory!"
They stared at each other for a moment.
"What? What the heck is that?"
"Honestly, brother, I have no idea. It just kind of popped into my head."
"Right. Anyway," the one on the left turned towards Harry. "I'm Weasley. Fred Weasley. I like my hand shaken, not stirred," he said, holding out his hand.
"And assuming I haven't missed a sudden dimensional transposition anomaly, I'm George Weasley," the other said, holding his hand out next to his brother's.
Fred glanced sideways at his brother. "You're saying some pretty strange things today, George."
".ezag sih htaeneb reffus mohw slatrom eht ot eoW .xonayhtA fo thgim eht erofeb reviuQ .sehcorppa hsiugna fo drol ehT"
Fred blinked. The opened his mouth to speak, paused, and blinked again. Finally he settled with, "Right..."
A dainty belch escaped George's lips. "Sorry, I think those eggs this morning were a bit off."
"You ate the eggs? I'd say they looked quite a lot more than 'a bit off', George."
For some reason Harry felt like he had just lost a few Sanity Points. He didn't know what those were, but he was pretty sure he had less than he'd started the day with. But that didn't really matter at the moment. This was his chance to finally make some friends. With an unsteady smile, he reached out and shook both their hands at the same time. "I'm Harry Potter."
The twins suddenly leaned forward, studying Harry's face from just a few inches away. "The Harry Potter?" they asked together.
"I... I think so," he stammered. "At least... I'm pretty sure there's only one of me... But then again, there's two of you, so I guess there could be more of me..."
Both twins stood up straight, laughing.
"Oh, this one's a winner Fred!"
"Indeed he is, George!"
"To think that of all people-"
"-we'd save Harry Potter-"
"-from certain doom-"
"-at the hands of our least-favorite sibling!"
"Ginny's going to be pretty upset mom wouldn't even take her through the barrier, Fred!"
"Indeed, George. She's sure to be jealous. Maybe we should get an autograph for her."
Harry frowned. "I'd... really rather not, if that's okay..." he said.
The twins gave him a pair of curious looks.
The younger boy continued, "It seems like everyone likes me for something I didn't even know I did..."
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"Everyone wants people to like them."
"But people don't like me," Harry insisted. "They've never even met me. How could they like me? They like the boy-who-lived, not me. I'd rather be just Harry."
Fred shrugged. It didn't really make much sense to him. But he didn't make much sense to most people, so he supposed it was fair. "Well then, Just Harry it is. Pleasure to meet you, Just Harry. I'm Fred. This is George."
"So pleased to make your acquaintance, Just Harry!" George added cheerfully.
Fred waved grandiosely before pointing at his fur. "This is Ru," he said. He pointed at the fur around his brother's neck and continued, "and that's Ri."
Harry stared. Then he stared some more. He looked up at George's face, then studied Fred's. They seemed serious. He stared at the furs one last time, just to be sure.
Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. "You... named your furs?"
"Furs?" George asked, confused.
Fred frowned. "Err... brother... we're looking a bit limp there, aren't we?"
"Limp!? I'll have you know I was at full-mast just this-"
"Not you, idiot! Her!" Fred quickly interrupted.
"Now why would Ri be limp? She doesn't even have a..." he trailed off as he looked down at his fur. "Oh. Yes, I think I see the problem now..."
"Really? Because with all the time you've spent 'using the toilet' lately, it's a wonder you're not blind..."
Ignoring his brother, George slid the fur off his shoulders. He held it up in front of his face and gave it a considering look. A slight twitch of his hand sent it swinging. A stronger jerk sent it whipping around in a full circle. He gave it another long look, then turned to his brother and said, "I think she's asleep. She can't be asleep!"
Fred shrugged and gave his fur an experimental poke. Nothing happened. "I don't see why not." he said. "We'd sleep all day, if we could get away with it."
"Exactly! It's not fair!" George complained. "Why should we do all the work, while they sleep all day? Plus, they're making us look crazy."
Fred looked affronted. "But that's our job! No one makes us look crazy but us! It's our one true joy in life! The burning passion that gets us through the day! The one bright, shining light of joy in an endless, gray wasteland of discontent and badly overcooked steaks." he smirked. "Plus, it's kinda fun."
"Exactly! No one likes overcooked steaks!"
"Especially with cheap barbeque sauce! You've gotta spring for Sweet Baby Ray's!"
"Honey Mesquite or Original?"
"Smokey."
"Oh, of course! Smokey! What a fool I've been!"
"'tis alright, brother! There's always time for redemption!"
"Praise be to the sauce!" George screamed, dropping to his knees.
"Praise be to the beef!" Fred shouted as he joined his brother on the ground.
"Steak for the steak god!" they both roared, raising their hands to the sky.
Harry glanced around nervously. To his surprise, no one was really paying attention.
"Yeah, we do this sort of thing a lot." Fred said as he climbed to his feet. "Mother would be so disappointed in us."
George stood next to his brother and gave an exaggerated sigh. "I think mother's already disappointed in us brother."
"What makes you say, that?"
"Well, she was just telling us how disappointed she was. I think she may have been hinting at something."
"I'm not sure. I think that level of subtlety is just beyond my comprehension."
"Still, the lack of reaction is a bit disappointing. I think we may have jumped the shark."
"Umm... what shark?" Harry asked curiously.
"Sorry." George muttered. "I think those eggs've still got it out for me."
"Right. Not to change the subject, but I think it's time to change the subject," Fred proclaimed. "What were we talking about?"
Harry wordlessly pointed at the fur still dangling from George's hand.
"Right! Hey, lazy! Time to wake up!" he exclaimed, giving the fur a little shake. "If you don't wake up now, I'm sending you of to the glue factory!"
"That's horses, brother."
"Fine. I'll put you out to pasture!"
"Also horses."
"I'll put you up for stud!"
"Still horses. Also, that's a good thing."
"I'll send you to the coal mines!"
"Children."
George turned to glare at his brother. "Not funny, Fred. Not funny."
"I thought it was funny. Anyway, let's try this." Fred cleared his throat, and in a theatrically loud voice said, "Oh no, George! We don't have enough chocolate frogs for everybody! I think we should eat all these Chocolate Frogs ourselves!"
Catching on immediately, George responded, "But Fred! We should share these Chocolate Frogs! Surely it would be too cruel to eat these Chocolate Frogs ourselves!"
"You're right! These Chocolate Frogs are so good that I can't help myself!" Fred dramatically held his hand out to his brother. "Here! Take this chocolate frog in my hand before I eat it!"
Harry blinked. George blinked. Fred blinked.
Harry caught himself staring again. There was a small black and snow-white fox hanging from Fred's hand.
"Well, that worked a little too well, I'd say," George declared. Somehow Harry wasn't surprised to see an identical fox perched on his shoulder.
They were foxes. They were wearing live foxes like scarves. He thought dimly.
"That hurts, you know," Fred snapped at the fox.
The small creature opened its mouth and dropped to the ground. It looked around curiously, swishing its tail to and fro. Having surveyed its surroundings, it whirled around to stare at Fred expectantly.
"You do, of course, realize that there are no chocolate frogs?" muttered Fred. He was gingerly rubbing his hand.
The fox glared at him, its tail twitching in annoyance.
"Oh, don't look at me like that. This would've never happened if you weren't so lazy."
The fox continued to glare.
"Please, try not to weigh yourself down with pointless questions. How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Where are my chocolate frogs?" He threw his arms open dramatically. "The world may never know!"
The fox glared even harder. Harry got the distinct impression that it was trying to fire lasers out of its eyes.
"Look, there's no chocolate frogs. It's as simple as that. If I had chocolate frogs, I'd share them with you. But I don't. Because there are no chocolate frogs. You could even say the Chocolate Frogs are a-"
"Don't drag an old nag outta the glue factory just so you can hit her a few more times. We have standards."
"Since when? Anyway... I'm sorry. I was just trying to make you get up."
The fox slumped to the ground. Its body went slack, its ears tilted back, its whiskers drooped and its tail stopped moving entirely. It looked absolutely pathetic. For a moment Harry forgot that foxes were potentially dangerous wild animals. He very badly wanted to give it a hug.
Fred stood firm. He was a man. He was a strong wizard. A placid pool. A mighty rock forever resisting the ebb and flow of the ocean.
He lasted 4.72 seconds.
"Fine. Look, I can probably bum some off the guys. And we've got some old experiments that we could probably sucker someone into buying. I'll get some frogs, okay?" he said with a deep sigh.
The fox was on its feet in an instant. One moment it was laying on the ground, one of the most pathetic sights Harry had ever seen. The next it was twining around Fred's ankles like a cat.
Harry watched in fascination. Is that how foxes act?
"Right! Now that Fred's been thoroughly pu-" The fox on his shoulders cuffed George upside the head. "Ah, now that Fred has been thoroughly whipped-" He paused and cringed a bit. A few seconds went by, but he went unpunished. "As I was saying, now that Fred's been thoroughly whi-"
SMACK
"Oh come on! Seriously, you just let me say it!"
Is that how foxes act?
A faint snickering caught his attention. Turning, he discovered that the noise wasn't coming from Fred, but the fox now sitting proudly on his head.
Is that how fox- You know what? Screw it.
"It looks like you're both pretty whipped," Harry muttered.
Two young wizards and two little foxes froze.
Harry realized what had happened. He didn't even really know where the words had come from. They had just kind of slipped out. It had been a horrible mistake. That sort of thing wasn't how you made friends, it was how you made people hate you. So much for his good first impression...
A strange look came over the other wizard's faces. Too quick for Harry to react, they longed forward. It looked like he had messed up even worse than he'd feared.
This is it. It's Dudley all over again.
A thin arm whipped around his neck, bending him over and holding him in a loose headlock. The twin holding him was enthusiastically rubbing his head. The other twin seemed to be thumping him on the back. It was a good, solid whack, but it wasn't painful at all.
And they were both laughing.
Harry was confused. He was very confused. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. People don't laugh when you say something like that to them. They don't give you a few good natured smacks. They beat you into the ground. They throw you down and stomp on you until you beg for mercy. They don't do... whatever this was.
"Did you hear that, Fred?" George spun about, hauling Harry around to face his brother.
Fred nodded sagely. "Indeed I did... err.. George? You seem to have a little something right around here." He pointed to his chest.
Looking down and stared at Harry. There was an expression of surprise on his face, as if he had no idea the other boy was there. "Why Harry, what ever are you doing down there? That's a very odd person for a place like you to be, you know!"
It was pretty much impossible to talk with your face shoved into someone's side, so Harry settled for weakly tapping George's arm a few times.
"Oh, how I bury my face in shame!" he exclaimed in mock horror. He released Harry to... well... bury his face in his hands. In shame, presumably."What was I thinking? Mother will be so ashamed?"
"Brother? Already ashamed, remember?"
"Right! Maternal shame and heart-breaking disappointment aside... Harry, allow us to introduce our familiars. This is Ri," George pointed to the fox that was somehow still sitting primly on his head. "and that's Ru."
Both foxes growled.
"George, are you daft? This is Ri and yours is Ru!"
The foxes growled again. The twins stared at them blankly, then exchanged confused looks.
"Ah, maybe they're both Ru?"
"No, I think they're both Ri..."
"Mine might be Bob..." SMACK! George took a paw to the face. Again. "Ow! Dammit, no claws!" SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Somewhere in the back of Harry's mind, he heard a voice yelling, "C-c-c-combo!". He tried to remember if he had eaten eggs for breakfast. The morning was such a blur of apprehension and excitement that he couldn't remember.
"Right, we're pretty sure we have some combination of Ri and Ru numbering anywhere between zero and two each. We might also have a B-" Fred winced as the fox at his feet looked up and growled. "-eautiful pair of foxes." he smoothly continued.
"Girls, say hello to Just Harr,." George gestured at the younger wizard. "Savior of the wizarding world! Slayer of the dark lord! Hero of 730,000 fanfiction stories! Taunter of British knights! Petter of kittens and feeder of puppies!"
"George... what's fanfiction?" Fred asked curiously.
"I... don't really know. It just kind of slipped out," George muttered, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "It's gotta be the eggs again. I must have some sort of allergy."
"I'm pretty sure that's not how allergies w-"
"Meet Just Harry, girls!"
The fox on George's head launched through the air, landing neatly on Harry's right shoulder. The other fox shot towards his legs. It bounced and somehow managed to whirl up his body. He could feel its claws just barely pressing into his flesh as it climbed. Reaching the top of his chest, it neatly seated itself on the opposite side of his head.
Harry serenely decided that this was the weirdest day of his life. He was also glad the foxes were so small and light. This would have been uncomfortable otherwise.
"Um..." he began slowly. "Hello, some combination of Ri and /or Ru? I'm probably the Harry Potter. I might just be a Harry Potter, if there's another one around. Either way, I'm pleased to meet you."
George began laughing again. "Oh, I like this one! Can we keep him? Can we?"
"Now brother, you know what happened to the last first-year you abduct- took home..."
"In my defense, how was I supposed to know they had to eat?"
Both twins lowered their heads. "Tragic..." they intoned.
Harry cautiously raised a hand towards his right shoulder. He thought that petting a fox would be really cool, but wasn't sure if it was safe. The fox answered his question by shoving her face against his hand. She was very soft, which kind of surprised Harry. He thought foxes were supposed to have wiry fur. Maybe it was some kind of magic fox?
"They're very pretty." he said softly.
"Oh, he's smooth..." one of the twins muttered. Harry didn't know which one it was, but Harry was willing to bet he was smirking.
"Indeed he is. The ladies'll love this one." Yeah, they were definitely smirking.
Harry decided to ignore them.
Harry examined the fox leaning into his hand, marveling at how small and dainty she was. Harry had seen foxes a few times. His aunt occasionally liked to watch animal documentaries. Harry thought it was because she actually liked animals, but couldn't have one because Vernon thought they were all filthy beasts. Harry had always found that to be a bit odd. Vernon seemed just fine with his sister's dogs, and they were the very definition of 'filthy beast'.
Disgusting and violent. he thought, remembering the scars on his leg.
But this fox wasn't anything like the ones he had seen on TV. Even sitting on his shoulder, she barely came up to the top of his head. She actually fell a bit short if you didn't count her ears. Her body was covered in fur so soft it could almost be described as downy. Most her coat was a flawless onyx black. She had white markings on her face and the tips of her ears. Similar splotches of white covered her front paws. Her tail, like her body, was long and thin. It had a slight poof to it, just enough to give it a bit of volume. About two-thirds of the way down it suddenly changed from black to white.
He glanced the other way and thought, They must be twins too.
The fox on his other shoulder was an exact duplicate of the one he was petting. He could see how the twins would have trouble telling them apart. She even had the same silver eyes.
She was staring, Harry realized. She was staring at something very intently. Harry followed her gaze down.
She was staring at his free hand.
"Um... do you want me to pet you too?"
She nodded.
Harry decided that the word 'weird' didn't even describe today. He'd have to invent a new word just to describe how messed up the things that were happening to him were.
Vacso had a nice right to it.
Harry raised his other hand, reached across his chest and began rubbing the other fox on its head. He now had both arms raised, reaching around to the opposite shoulder. He couldn't see anything because his forearms were crossed in front of his eyes. His right elbow was digging uncomfortably into the crook of his left arm. His shoulders were quickly getting tired. His neck had just made an odd popping noise that didn't sound in the least bit healthy.
He was also suffering from mild indigestion, but he didn't think that was because of the foxes. It was more likely from dealing with the twins.
"Are you... umm... Ru?" he asked the fox on his right shoulder.
She shook her head.
"Then you're Ri?"
She nodded.
Turning to other fox (a somewhat awkward maneuver at this point), he queried, "Then you must be Ru, right?"
She turned and shoved her nose against his ear. It was wet and very, very cold. He gave a surprised squeak and nearly fell over.
"You could have just nodded!"
She very deliberately stuck her tongue out at him.
"Hey now!"
Harry started at the sudden shout. The twins, who had been discussing his future conquests (who was McGonagall, and why did Fred turn green?), were now staring at him intently.
"You can't just tell him!"
Both foxes flicked their tails. Ru stretched up to lean over Harry's hand and stuck her tongue out. She seemed to like doing that.
"That's not fair!" George whined. "You can't just tell him because he asked! You don't tell us! You always just whack us until we get it right! Half the time you run around and bounce all over each other to make it harder!"
"Uh... have we ever actually just asked?"
"What? Of course we have!"
"When?"
"We did just last... uh... there was that time we.. and then..."
There was a long pause. Harry shuffled uncomfortably.
"So..." he said, desperate to break the silence. "Why do you have foxes?"
"What do you mean, Harry?"
"As we said, they're our familiars!"
Harry thought for a moment. He thought really, really hard. From the way they said it, the word was important. If he asked about it, they'd probably think he was a moron. They'd probably hate him for being so stupid. They'd-
Screw it. This day had already been thoroughly vasco'd anyway.
"What's a familiar?"
Four pairs of eyes stared at him in shock.
"What do you mean, 'what's a familiar', Just Harry?" George cried.
Fred joined him. "Didn't they teach you anything?"
Even the fox twins were looking at him, heads tilted. Ru gave a faint whine.
Wonderful. I'm an idiot. Harry decided. "I was raised by muggles. I only just found out that I'm a wizard..."
"But they knew about the magical world, right?"
Harry nodded.
"And you don't know about something so important?"
Harry nodded again.
"Then what did they teach you?"
"Nothing, really. They didn't like magic very much," Harry muttered.
The twins looked at each other. The foxes looked at each other. The twins looked at the foxes. Ri looked at George. George looked at Ru. She looked at Fred. Fred looked back at George. George looked at Fred, Ri and Ru. They all returned the look. George looked at the Truth.
Harry was getting dizzy.
George burped again. It smelled like old eggs.
"But I like my limbs!" he exclaimed. "And my brother!"
Everyone else ignored him. Those eggs must have been seriously tainted.
"Look, Harry," Fred started gently, pushing his brother aside. The other boy was still seriously zoned out. Harry was pretty sure he was muttering about how the color purple tasted. "Familiars are very, very important. For most wizards, the only thing as important as their familiar is their soul mate."
Harry caught himself staring yet again. Fred was being serious. Very serious. All traces of mirth and mischief were gone from his voice. Harry had only known the twins for a few minutes, but the change was almost disturbing. It was like a rabid hyena kindly buying a starving man dinner.
"A familiar is linked to their wizard by the Familiar Bond. They are always faithful to their master. They will never hurt or betray them. They will always be there for them. They will always love them. No matter what happens in life, no matter how badly things go to hell, they will always be there."
Harry stared in wonder. His hands were shaking. His heart ached. This sounded exactly like what he wanted. This was what he was hoping for, but didn't really expect to find. Someone, something that would care about him. Sure, Fred and George had foxes, but they seemed like great companions. Better than most people Harry had met.
"Plus, they make great doormats!" Fred proclaimed, grinning.
The weight vanished from Harry's shoulders. Twin foxes were bounding through the air, furry monochrome bullets on a collision course with Fred's head.
Fred's eyes widened in horror. He began to raise his hands, desperate to defend himself. He screamed, "Not the fa-"
They slammed into his face. The two living missiles hit with incredible force, tilting him back and knocking him off his feet. Fred hit the ground hard, whirling mass of angry fangs and claws still attached to his face.
Harry watched in awe. How was it possible for such small, light creatures to lift a teenage boy off his feet? Actually, the real question was, "Is he alright?"
"Don't worry about it," George said. "This happens all the time. I'm pretty sure we've built up a resistance to facial disfigurement."
"Is that even possible?"
The older boy shrugged. "I sure hope so. If it's not... well, I guess some girls are into scars, right?" He stared at Harry's forehead. "Either way, I think you've got me beat."
Harry shuffled a bit. He hated it when people stared at his scar. Still, that wasn't important right now.
"Can anyone have a... familiar?" he asked hopefully.
"Are you kidding? Ack! That's my nose!" Fred yelled from the ground. "Every wizard has a – Ouch! Stay away from the eyes, you crazy bi- Agh! I need that ear!"
"Yeah... losing an ear would suck." George muttered. "What my brother is trying to say – protect your crotch, Fred – is that all wizards have familiars."
"Get away! Foxes don't eat nuts!"
Harry winced. Those teeth looked really sharp. "So, everyone has them?"
"Sure. Heck, just take a look around."
Harry did exactly that, and was left with his jaw hanging open. He had been so focused on the twins and their foxes that somehow he hadn't noticed.
Cats, dogs, mice, owls... they were everywhere. Almost everyone had some sort of animal close by. He saw a snake wrapped around a young boy's arm. Over there, a fat toad was peeking out of another boy's pocket. A boy with a tarantula on his head approached a group of girls on the other side of the platform. A large black bird launched towards the boy, causing him to dart to the side with a squawk. When he dodged, he slammed into an absolutely massive dog. The dog didn't even seem to notice. It just continued the push around a little Shih Tzu with its nose. The smaller dog looked like it was having a blast.
It was a zoo in here. Literally.
Harry turned back to the twins. Fred was on his feet again, a fox still hanging from his ear. The other was held tightly under his arm. "So, they're not all foxes? There's cats and dogs and stuff, too?"
"Yeah, and stuff that's none of the above," answered Fred. He was making a valiant attempt to pry open one fox's jaws without releasing the other. "It wouldn't make much sense for everyone to have the same familiar, would it?"
"Your familiar is based on... well.. you. No one's really sure how it works, but the spell calls them from... err... somewhere else. You get... something... suited to you," George seemed to be having a bit of trouble with words.
Harry looked back and forth between the twins. They seemed serious. "So basically, you use some spell that somehow summons something from somewhere?"
"Yes! Exactly!" Both twins exclaimed. Fred seemed to be having very little luck getting the fox off his ear. Harry was pretty sure it was the one they had called Ri.
"Um... okay..." Harry felt the headache coming back. "Is the spell hard to learn?"
"Nah. You don't really do the spell at all. It's ritual magic. No one really uses that sort of thing anymore, but I guess there's just no way to turn it into a normal spell. All you have to do is feed it some magic. The ritual does the rest," George explained. He was watching his brother wrestle with Ri, a look of amusement on his face.
He didn't seem to notice that Ru had slipped out from under the Fred's arm. She was quietly slinking to the side, moving around the twins in a wide circle.
"And do they all try to kill you?" Harry asked apprehensively.
"Nah, only the awesome ones. You see anyone else trying to pry something off their ear?" Fred dropped his hands, apparently giving up. "Like I said, it's based on you. Dodge George."
George skipped to the side, narrowly avoiding Ru's pounce. At the same time, Fred ducked and twisted. The move sent Ri whipping around. The two foxes met in midair with a soft thump. Ru's momentum knocked her sister off Fred's ear and carried them both to the floor.
The foxes quickly rolled to their feet. George took up a position to Fred's left and braced himself. Fred cracked his knuckles menacingly, while Ri scraped her claws across the floor. Two sets of twins stared intently, waiting for the other pair to make the first move.
It was a classic Mexican standoff. Neither side could make a move without potentially exposing themselves. Neither side could back down without looking like pathetic wusses. Harry could practically hear the cheesy Western music in the background. It was so intense, he swore he could almost see a tumbleweed blowing across the platform.
Wait. That was a tumbleweed. There was an actual tumbleweed blowing across the train platform.
"You know, we could keep this up. You two could just keep on chewing on Fred's face until we had to board," one of the twins said conversationally.
"Hey! First of all, what the heck? Second of all, you're Fred!"
"I am not!"
"You are! Look, your ear's bleeding and everything!"
"'tis but a scratch. I've had worse."
"Well, if you're George, how did that happen?"
"Right. That's enough arguing about who chewed on who. All these questions about who deserves to get mauled are just clouding the issue. After all, all those terrible things you said about our beautiful familiars aren't really important right now."
The foxes growled softly. One was staring at George's face, the other at his crotch.
"You'll pay for this..." muttered George.
"The point is, giving Fred his just deserts doesn't benefit any of us."
"..."
"Why, even if you chewed both ears off his head," Fred raised a hand to his ear, coincidentally covering the shallow wound there. "it would hardly be punishment enough."
"Really? I mean... just... really?"
"And in the end, you'd be the ones to suffer. Because there'd be no Chocolate Frogs," Fred shook his head sadly.
The growls cut off. Both foxes froze, horrified looks on their faces.
"He's right, you know. He may be an utter bastard that deserves to be punched in the bollocks... He is an utter bastard that will be punched in the bollocks repeatedly in the very near future, but he's right."
Fred was starting to look a little nervous.
George gave his brother a sweet smile and continued. "If my brother were to suffer a catastrophic injury, if he were to suffer agonizing pain, he wouldn't be able to find you some frogs."
The other twin was starting to look a little pale. Harry wasn't sure exactly how that was possible, but they were.
"Now, when he suffers massive trauma to very sensitive parts, I'll be forced to look after him. He is my very dear brother, whom I would never try to sell out so I could avoid the consequences of my own actions. That of course means that I'll be so busy caring for my poor crippled brother that I won't be able to acquire some frogs."
George sighed sadly and wiped an imaginary tear from the corner of his eyes. The foxes were giving Fred a very cold, annoyed look. Fred himself was slowly backing away from his brother with both hands over his crotch.
"So, wouldn't it be better calling it even? You got a few good bites in, and Fred will eventually suffer pain on a scale that can not be properly expressed in human language."
"Ah, George... about that..."
"Oh, calm down, Fred." George said, patting his brother on the shoulder reassuringly. "If you look at your whole life, something like that is bound to happen sooner or later. I'm just saying it's probably not going to be later."
"Um... yeah..."
"So I think calling this fight off is best for all parties involved. Except Fred. Agreed?"
The foxes turned toward each other, silently conferring.
The twins watched carefully. Their legs were slightly bent, their bodies poised for action. Fred was still shielding his crotch, though it wasn't obvious if he was trying to protect himself from the familiars or his brother at this point.
Ri and Ru came to an agreement. They turned and lunged forward so fast they were little more than white streaks. One of the small foxes leaped at Fred's leg, sinking her claws in and scrambling up to his shoulder. The other bounced off Harry's trunk, executed a perfect double flip with a half pike, and landed gracefully on George.
Fred's fox began carefully licking his injured ear.
Both of the wizard twins breathed a sigh of relief.
"Well," George said, "that ended well for almost everyone involved."
Fred warily eyed his brother as he stroked Ri's back. At least, she might have been Ri. It was equally possible that it was Ru. To be honest, Harry wasn't really clear on which fox belonged to which boy. He wasn't even sure the foxes belonged to the boys at all. It could have easily been the other way around.
Not that he was paying much attention. He was a little preoccupied.
"..." Harry said.
"What was that?" asked George.
"..." Harry repeated.
"Harry, you okay mate?" Fred asked, concerned.
Harry muttered something.
"What was that?"
"I think he said, 'tumbleweed'."
Fred looked around, quickly spotting the rolling bush. "Oh, so there is. What about it, Harry?"
Harry whined, "W-why?" It sounded pretty pathetic.
"Oh, I think I get it. Relax, Harry. There's a perfectly rational explanation."
"...?" Harry asked.
"Indeed. The train brings them in."
Harry's face appeared to be stuck in a horrifying half grimace. It was starting to freak the twins out, wizards and foxes alike.
"Uh... yeah..." Fred said in what he hoped was a comforting tone of voice. "See, sometimes tumbleweeds get stuck on the Express. Then it drags them along. When it gets to the station, they fall off. Then they kind of blow around, 'cuz that's what they do. See? Perfectly reasonable."
Harry blankly gazed through George. Not at him, through him. It was as if he was looking at something fifty feet behind George's face. The redheads were pretty sure that wasn't a good sign.
"...scotland..." Harry protested.
"What was that, Harry!"
"The train goes to Scotland."
"Yeah, that's right. Hogwarts is in Scotland. The train goes to Hogwarts. So the train goes to Scotland to get there," said Fred. He spoke very slowly, as if explaining something to a small child.
"THERE ARE NO TUMBLEWEEDS IN SCOTLAND!" Harry screamed. He slumped heavily to the ground. The poor kid. His reality check had just come back with the words "Insufficient Funds" stamped on it..
A bell rang, drowning out the sounds of the busy platform.
"Oh! Look at that! The boarding bell! Looks like we better get on the train, eh Fred?" George proclaimed, relief evident in his voice.
"Right you are! Come along, Harry!" responded Fred. He grabbed Harry by the back of his shirt and began dragging him towards the train.
"Don't worry, Harry! I've got your trunk!" exclaimed the other twin.
The twin headed for the train, dragging both Harry and his trolley in their wake. As they passed the crumpled forms of Ron and Draco, George suddenly stopped.
"Wait a minute George!" he shouted. "We can't just get on the train!"
"Why not? It's about to leave. And little Harry isn't looking too good. Might be best to get him somewhere he can have a good rest."
"Ron, George. We have a little brother, remember?"
"Unfortunately I do. And here I had just managed to forget," George frowned. "Don't worry about it. Mum will take care of it."
"She can't. She had do something, remember? She seemed to be pretty wound up about something. Didn't even come through the barrier... Something about a 'horrible abomination'..."
Molly stared at the frying pan, wand out and ready. The frying pan stared back. She silently swore that she would respect 'use by' dates in the future. It just wasn't worth the hassle to save a bit of money.
She lunged forward. The yellow and white mess in the frying pan screamed a battle-cry.
"Oh dear. I do seem to remember something of the sort. Yes, we'd better take care of them, hadn't we?" He gently set Harry on the ground and strode towards the comatose boys.
The second warning bell rang, prompting the twins to turn from their work. Fred quickly reclaimed Harry's trolley, while Fred tossed the small boy over his shoulder.
"Murgle," said Harry.
"Is... is he going to be okay?"
"I certainly hope so. I don't want to be responsible for breaking the boy-who-lived-and-defeated-the-dark-lord-but-went-nuts-because-he-saw-a-tumbleweed-and-is-now-drooling-on-my-back."
"Yes, I suppose that would be pretty bad for our reputation."
"Yes, we'd be the-horrible-redheaded-twins-who-broke-the-boy-who-li-"
"I'm pretty sure I get the idea. No need to drive the joke into the ground."
"Have you ever wondered why we like hyphens so much?"
"I always assumed it was because hyphens are just incredible. Everyone loves a good hyphen."
George shrugged. "Well, brother of mine, here's hoping for another entertaining year," He said cheerfully. He threw his free arm over his brother's shoulders.
"Indeed," Fred agreed. "Ah, George? You know that whole bit earlier? You do know I was just kidding around, right?"
"Of course! Why, what sort of a fool do you take me for?"
"So... you do realize that there's no need for any sort of embarrassing and potentially painful payback, right?"
"Oh, brother, sometimes you say the funniest things..."
The arm around Fred's neck tightened noticeably.
"The funniest things..." muttered George ominously
Retroactive Author's Note:
So, if you're reading this, you're probably new to the story. Thanks for giving it a shot. I hope you enjoy it.
If you're still kind of undecided after this chapter, I'd like to ask that you give me one more chapter to grab your attention. Looking back, I'd have to say this is the least entertaining of the lot. Not exactly the best way to start a story, I know, but going back and rewriting it just doesn't appeal to me at the moment.
For now, I've decided to go back and fix a bunch of errors I noticed after posting old chapters. I've also decided to add these notes to chapters that didn't already have them, for no apparent reason. I guess you should feel special, because people who already started the story didn't get to see this random drivel?
Anyway, if you're just starting and like it so far, I hope you enjoy the rest. The main intention here was to write something that was a mixture of semi-crack humor, serious business stuff and an actual plot. I'm proud to say that after 13 chapters and 100,000 words I'm finally getting to the meat of the plot. Between here and there is mainly a bunch of minor set up, some character-building and a lot of words that I really hope will make you laugh.
So, sit back and enjoy the show... story... whatever.
You don't even have to sit back if you don't want to. I won't make you.