Solace

Sam tossed restlessly, trying hard not to think. It had been easy during the day, sitting peacefully by the lake, surrounded by friends and hundreds of miles from the tangible realities of her life. Now, though, laying alone in the dark. So alone, despite the others sleeping a few dozen feet away. A sob rose in her throat, and she wasn't able to stifle it, just to choke the noise back once it had already started.

She froze, holding her breath and listening for signs she'd roused one of the others. For a long time, the cabin was silent, then a floorboard creaked nearby. Swallowing hard, she lay still, squeezing her eyes shut and ignoring the hot tears suddenly streaming down her cheeks, as if provoked by the knowledge that she'd woken someone up. There was a gentle knock at her door, and she pressed a hand to her mouth to prevent herself from making any noise. Whoever it was, if she could convince him she was asleep, he would leave again, go back to sleep himself.

Or not. "Carter? You awake in there?" It was the General, his voice low and worried.

She swallowed again, and considered remaining silent. But obedience to and, to an extent, honesty with Jack O'Neill were habitual things.

"I'm awake," she called quietly, wiping her eyes and clearing her throat when her voice quavered.

"Can I come in?"

She hesitated, torn. It was entirely inappropriate for him to be in her bedroom in the middle of the night, even if the bedroom in question was technically his anyway. On the other hand, nothing inappropriate was going to happen when Daniel and Teal'c were sleeping not too far away. It was a cold night and she was wearing concealing pajamas, so he wouldn't even see anything improper. A dozen factors combined to make this a 'safe' moment. Besides, the idea of spending one more second alone left her feeling sick inside.

"Come in, sir..."

He cracked the door, just enough to slip inside, then shut it again. He didn't approach the bed, just hovered by the door, peering at her through the moonlit darkness.

"You all right?" he asked, shoving his hands into the pockets of the sweatpants he was wearing and leaning 'casually' against the door.

"I... I don't know," she admitted. "I thought I was, but..." She shrugged helplessly, sighing.

"Carter, you just lost your father. You're allowed to be torn up," he told her gently, slowly approaching the bed. He obviously understood how inappropriate it was, but it didn't stop him from moving right to her bedside. "I thought you might need to talk, or need a shoulder or something," he explained, sounding as awkward as she felt.

It was wrong for him to be here and they both knew it, but she was grateful for it all the same. Few COs would have defied propriety this far to comfort a subordinate, even one they considered a friend.

"I thought I was okay with it, but I don't think I am," she admitted, grateful to have someone to talk to about this, especially someone as important in her life as him.

"Carter, that's allowed," he told her again, sitting on the edge of the bed. "There's nothing harder than losing a parent."

"It didn't even feel like I had a father for most of my life, but these last couple of years..." She trailed off, tears welling in her eyes again.

"Here, move over," he directed, giving her hip a little nudge.

She hesitated since that wasn't remotely proper, but finally edged over, trusting him and grateful for his compassion. He hesitated for a moment, then slid into the bed, sitting with his back against the headboard and gathering her into his arms, drawing her against his chest. The embrace was the perfect distance between tight and gentle, and left her feeling surrounded by him. Sighing, with a sense of something that was almost relief, she pressed her cheek to his t-shirt, closing her eyes and focusing on his heartbeat.

"That better?" he asked, resting his cheek against the top of her head.

"Mmm," she answered with a little nod, smiling to herself. It was wrong, but it didn't feel that way, not right now. She found herself talking, explaining despite herself, "I felt so alone a little while ago."

"Is that why you were crying?"

She bit her lip and couldn't help but feel a little ashamed, not so much at the show of weakness, as at the fact that she'd worried him with it. "I didn't mean for you to hear that."

"You don't need to keep your pain secret, Sam. You've been through a lot."

She opened her eyes at his use of her first name, in such an intimate context, clearing her throat and squirming a little uncomfortably. "We shouldn't be doing this."

His hold on her loosened, but only marginally. "No. I doubt your future husband would like it very much..."

She cringed at that, closing her eyes again. So much had been going on, that there hadn't been a good time to mention it to the others yet. No time like the present, she supposed. At least he wouldn't have to feel guilty about holding another man's girlfriend this way. "Pete and I broke up."

"What?" he asked, with more surprise in his voice than she'd been expecting. Part of her had just assumed that, of all people, he must be in on the secret she'd been keeping, even in large part from herself.

"We broke up. I ended it."

"I thought you were pretty happy with him?" he ventured, sounding more cautious than surprised now.

"It was a mistake." She shrugged, continuing to lean lightly against him. "I almost made an even worse one."

"We're talking more than cold feet, then?" he asked gently, clearing his throat.

"The longer it went on, the more trapped I felt, especially once he made the down-payment. Part of me thought it was what I wanted, a normal life, a normal family, but..."

"But?" he prompted when she faltered.

"Not like that. Not with him..."

"Oh. Oh!" he answered quietly.

Which sounded a little too much like actual understanding. She continued on rather than let the silence stretch. "Dad knew. I might not have found the courage to break it off if he hadn't talked some sense into me."

"Your father was a wise man."

"Growing up, I never felt like he knew me. After Selmak, though..."

"You finally got to know each other. He once told me how much Selmak brought you two together."

"I loved him so much. I was so grateful just to have a few more years with him, but... part of me just assumed he'd outlive me."

"It was a reasonable assumption. You shouldn't have had to watch him die."

"This... it was... better than losing him to cancer years ago, but it was still losing him," she whispered.

"You have every right to feel lonely without him," he told her, "but you are not alone, Sam. Never forget that."

"Thank you, sir."

"Try to get some rest, all right? Cry if it'll help. I won't judge you for it."

Those gentle words broke something inside her, and she had to bury a low sob in his chest, afraid of waking the others, too. Letting go in front of him was one thing. Involving the others would have been too much. So she cried quietly into his t-shirt instead of giving vent to the louder sobs that she might otherwise have given vent to. Making a quiet, soothing noise, he repositioned his arms around her, one hand coming up to cup the back of her head as the other started gently rubbing her back. Part of her felt selfish, grieving her own loss when the Tokra and the planet Earth itself had lost so much with her father's death, and that feeling only made her cry harder.

Jack held her in silence as she cried herself out, hand continuing to move gently against her back. And, as the tears passed, he continued to hold her, as if it were the most natural and proper thing in the world for him to do so. She'd wept herself into exhaustion and, surrounded by his warmth and scent as she was, it was hard to stay awake. He must have realized, but he didn't seem to care, whispering for her to rest, that he would stay with her, that she wouldn't be alone. Lulled by his reassurances, she quickly drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.

The sun on her face woke her, and she mumbled happily, snuggling close to the warm body holding her. She tightened her hold on him and felt him stir in reaction. Opening her eyes, she had to smile at the look on his face as he yawned and smiled down at her. It was so peaceful and content, so... happy in a way she wasn't used to seeing him.

"Morning," he greeted her quietly, his voice gruff from sleep, but undeniably loving, too, as his fingertips brushed over her cheeks and his lips curved into a wide, unabashed smile.

Anyone seeing them would have assumed that a lot more had happened than her crying herself to sleep in his arms, and she blushed at the idea, but she couldn't quite bring herself to move from his embrace, either.

"Thank you, for last night," she whispered, smiling shyly up at him and admitting, "I didn't think you'd still be here..."

"I didn't want you to wake up alone," he answered with a shrug, as if that was only common sense.

She blushed at that, biting her lip since it did nothing to dispel the vague sensation that they'd shared much more than her having a good cry. His hand, against her back, was large and strong, and he didn't seem inclined to remove it. Swallowing hard, she peered up at his face, wondering what he could be thinking to keep him sitting there with his arms around her. Not that she was complaining. It felt wonderful, on many levels including a couple she chose not to pay attention to. Those thoughts were dangerous. This whole situation was dangerous.

If he'd been caught like this with a subordinate...

Of course, neither Daniel nor Teal'c would say a word, even if they walked in on them like this. Which was unlikely since neither would walk into her guestroom without knocking. Especially not if they realized that both she and the General were nowhere to be found. Besides, it didn't sound like anyone else was awake and moving around yet. Which meant that they could enjoy this rare moment of intimacy, at least for a few more minutes.

And she was enjoying it, more than she had any right to when they'd both agreed never to let their mutual, taboo, feelings interfere with their existing relationship. It was a good relationship, a comfortable one. She very seldom found herself wishing for more but, unsurprisingly, this was one of those moments. A silly, girlish part of her never wanted to stop feeling his arms around her. It remembered the feeling of his hand cupping the back of her head and wondered if that was how he would kiss her if he had the chance, with a hand tangled in her hair to keep her still for him.

Her mind tried to start down forbidden tracks as she wondered that. It would hardly have been the first time she allowed herself to speculate if he would be gentle or forceful, considerate or domineering. But it was the first time she'd allowed her mind to go in that direction while sitting in his arms, and she trembled a bit as she forced the thoughts from her head.

"Hey, you're not cold, are you?" he asked immediately, repositioning the blanket around her shoulders. "I guess Minnesota takes some getting used to this time of year."

She forced a laugh at that, grateful for the excuse he offered. "If this is what it's like this time of year, I'd hate to try it in the winter..."

"Takes some getting used to. An electric blanket helps."

She bit her lip at that, since a warm, large body to nestle against probably helped even more. Her mind really refused to discipline itself today. Giving herself a mental shake, she smiled up at him. "Thank you for last night."

"You already said that."

"Well... I meant it. Thank you."

His answering smile was warm and, just for a second, he looked like he wanted to kiss her. He gave himself a hard shake, obviously not even trying to hide it, and cleared his throat.

"The others will be up soon..."

She swallowed hard, trying to ignore the pang she felt at his very reasonable warning. It couldn't last. She'd known it couldn't last. But, God, had it felt good while it had...

Sighing softly, she eased away from him, sitting up as he did and opening her mouth to speak.

"Yeah, Carter?" he prompted when she faltered.

"I... never mind."

He smiled in answer, but it was melancholy. "If you're sure. But maybe we should talk again later. I have something to tell you, all of you, today. It's actually the reason I brought you all up here. It's big. It could change things."

She bit her lip, not just at his words, but at his vaguely nervous expression as he spoke them. "Sounds big," she agreed. "Should I be worried?"

"No. No, it's nothing bad. Not really."

"Something good, then?" she prompted.

"I hope so." He nodded, lifting a hand and brushing his fingertips over her cheek. "I really hope so, Carter. Sam..."

She colored, more at his tender touch than at his use of her name. Not that it was the first time, but he just kept doing it this morning, and it felt far too wonderful...

"So everything's all right?" she double-checked since he wasn't exactly acting like himself. Not that he was acting like anything was wrong, exactly, but something was obviously... different.

"Everything's fine," he assured her with a wide smile and a gentle nod. "I'll tell you guys all about it after breakfast. Speaking of which..." He glanced at the door, then back at her, his expression concerned. "You all right now? I mean... you're good?"

"Pretty good," she agreed. "Better than I possibly could have been without what happened last night. It's like you knew exactly what I needed."

"I've experienced a lot of loss in my time," he answered with a shrug. "There are usually only a couple ways you react to it. Company seemed like what you'd need..."

"I... just thank you."

"You don't have to keep saying that," he assured her, smiling gently and resting his hands on her shoulders. He hesitated, then whispered, "You know why I did what I did."

She swallowed hard, squirming because she did know, and it was terrifying and wonderful at once. "It doesn't mean less because of that. It means more. But... thank you," she repeated, drawing him into a hug.

He gasped softly, arms closing around her. "Carter, I..."

"I know, you have to go," she whispered into his shoulder, giving him a last squeeze before reluctantly releasing him.

He hesitated for a moment, then took a step back, smiling a little sheepishly down at her. "I'm glad last night helped, Sam. I really am."

She smiled up at him, trying not to look wistful over the idea that it wouldn't happen again. "You're a good man, sir. I appreciate it."

"Any time, Carter," he assured her with a surprisingly chipper smile, squeezing her shoulder. "We'll talk later. I'm going to go wake the others up, make breakfast."

"All right," she agreed, smiling just because he was. It was hard to resist that look from him. "I'll see you in a few minutes."

"See you then." Giving her shoulder a final squeeze, he turned and slipped from the room, humming to himself.

The End