DINNER FOR FOUR
BY
HENRIETTE PRUGER
We enter the home of two men. It is a modest but nicely decorated flat. One woman, Xena, enters. She is a strikingly beautiful woman with long black hair and a tall Amazon stature. Another woman enters, Gabrielle. She is a petite blonde with long hair and a very gentle face. Xena is getting a small dinner table ready. There will be three. Gabrielle is putting out the plates.
"He should be here soon. You know Herc. He's never late," Gabrielle says.
"Is the lamb ready?" asks Xena.
"It will be ready soon. He really loves his lamb." Gabrielle adds.
"It helps being a God." Xena replies.
There is a knock on the door. Xena goes to answer and stops.
"Who goes there?" she asks.
"Your friendly half-God."
She opens the door and smiles.
"Is the lamb ready yet?" he asks entering.
"Is that what you always think about is food?" Xena asks.
"I love Gabby's cooking. I brought the ouzo."
He hands her a bottle and she takes it and give it to Gabrielle.
"Get the glasses."
Gabrielle disappears into the kitchen as Hercules and Xena sit down on the couch.
"How was the drive?" she asks.
"Slow. I should have taken streets and not the expressway. I liked it better when all we had were horses and carts."
"Tell me about it. Last week it took me two hours to get to work. Who would think New Zealand would become so popular?"
"It's all our fault. Our TV shows are showing the rest of the world how beautiful it is over here."
Gabrielle comes in with a tray and three small glasses on ouzo.
"Drinks are ready," she says sitting across from them on a chair and passing the tray.
Each takes a glass. Hercules raises his glass.
"A toast, to the renewal of both our TV shows. This will be another year of not worrying about paying the rent." Hercules says.
"Here! Here!"
They take a sip.
"I love this stuff." Xena says.
"It helps being Greek. I smell the lamb." Hercules comments.
"It's almost done."
Hercules relaxes on the couch.
"Who would believe we would BOTH be on our OWN TV shows, playing ourselves, and being renewed? If only the world knew the truth?" Hercules says.
"Let's hope they don't. I like the money."
"Only the three of us know." Gabrielle comments.
"Only the three of us will EVER know. I still remember the day we found out the truth." Hercules adds.
"I thought you were crazy." Xena says.
"That makes two of us." Hercules adds.
"I remember it like it was yesterday."
…..
A talent agent sits behind a desk reading a script. He is your typical agent, fat and smoking a cigar. A young Hercules enters. He is tall, built on top but has a gentle face. He goes by the name of Kevin Sorbo. The agent looks up and gestures.
"Kevin, I'm glad you could come up on such short notice. Have a seat. I have just the role for you."
Kevin sits down.
"I can't wait. Tell me."
"Here's the script."
He hands Hercules the script. He reads the first page. It reads "Hercules."
"Hercules?" Hercules asks.
"Don't worry. It's not like those awful Italian movies. It's modern. Renaissance Pictures is doing a modern version from an American point of view. It will be a funny and satirical look at modern life."
"Is it a sit-com?'
"No. It will start out as a few movies and hopefully become a weekly hour show. I've read the script. I read it and immediately thought of you. Hercules has mid-western values. He sounds like he comes from Wisconsin."
"I'm not from Wisconsin. I'm from Nebraska."
"Good enough. The characters dialogue is you. Read it and tell me what you think?"
"Is it a family show? I won't do anything else."
"Very. Read it. You'll like it. It has the same sense of humor as you."
"It sounds silly. I'm a serious actor. I even did Shakespeare and Broadway."
"You'll love it. Trust me. Have I ever steered you wrong?"
"No, you're not like most agents."
"The audition is at ten tomorrow. Have an open mind."
"Okay. Thanks for the tip."
The agent rises.
"Is my personality the only reason you thought of me?"
Hercules rises from the chair.
"It's also your body frame. You have a good and nice top body. I can see the muscles through your shirt. You're perfect for the part."
"Okay, I'll go."
Hercules leaves and the agent sits down.
"You're just the man for it. I can feel it in my bones."
…
Hercules is in his kitchen. He is making a sandwich and reading the script. He reads a funny part and laughs.
"This is good."
He continues reading until he feels he's being watched. He looks around and knows who it is.
"Ares, I know you're here. Show yourself."
Ares, the God of War appears behind him. Hercules turns.
"Hello brother."
"Ares, what do you want?"
"Can't a brother come to visit?"
"Not when you're the brother. I know you."
Hercules puts down the script.
"You're right, Bro. I have a reason for calling.
"You always do. Spit it out."
Ares sits down on the kitchen table.
"Rumor has it you're auditioning for a new TV role. It's called, how shall I say it, Hercules?"
"My agent is sending me on an audition tomorrow. Why do you ask if you already know?"
"I was wondering. Don't you think that's a bit dangerous" You would be Hercules, playing an actor Kevin Sorbo, playing Hercules. The truth could come out and your cover would be blown."
"Not necessarily. Who would believe it? The story is too crazy to be true. Only you and I would know and you wouldn't tell anyone, would you, bro?"
"Of course not. I'd like to see how you pull it off."
"Let's see if I get the part first. I might not. There will be others there."
"I could give you a little help. You know I can."
"I don't need your help. I never have. I will do it myself.
Ares rises.
"Are you sure? The offer stands."
"Positive."
"Good-bye, Ares. I have some reading to do."
"Suit yourself. Break a leg."
Ares vanishes and Hercules picks up the script and continues reading. He laughs again.
"This is really good."
…
This is the audition. The waiting room is full of many men, all in different sizes of top body strength. Hercules comes in and sits down next to another man. The man turns to Hercules.
"What role are you up for?" the man asks.
"The lead."
"Me, too. My name is Ducovney, David Ducovney."
David is a tall and skinny man with brown hair and eyes. He is in his mid-twenties at the most.
"I'm Kevin Sorbo."
"I thought I recognized you. You did a MURDER SHE WROTE. You did a good job."
"I've never seen an film work of yours."
"I work in live theater."
"So did I. I played Shakespeare."
"I can tell. I see the British training. Why Hercules?"
"My agent sent me."
"So did mine. You think you have a chance. Just look at these guys. They're all muscle."
Hercules looks around.
"I agree, but can they act. That's important too."
"Not always. Audiences can be fickle. You and I are the smallest ones here."
"We can only try."
"Tell you what, Kevin. After our auditions, let's go have a drink. We can talk about our dreams together."
"Sounds good to me."
A man comes out and speaks.
"Kevin Sorbo."
Hercules stands and raises his hand.
"Over here."
"Come in now. We are ready for you."
Hercules turns to David.
"This shouldn't take long. There's a bar on the corner."
"I know the place."
"Wait for me there. Whoever finishes first will wait."
"Got you. Break a leg, Kevin."
"Same to you, David."
Hercules follows the man.
…
He enters a large room. There are quite a few people doing various things. A small stage with a stool is in front of him. The man gestures.
"Have a seat on the stool."
The man turns to another man, Robert Tapert. Robert is average looking but very business-like. They speak quietly and Tapert turns to Hercules.
"Hello, Mr. Sorbo. My name is Robert Tapert. I'm the producer of Hercules."
"It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Kevin Sorbo."
"Yes, I know. I've seen some of your work. I'm very impressed. I'm glad you came."
"How would you like to do this audition?" Hercules asks.
"First tell me about yourself and then we'll do a small scene. Please start."
"Okay. My name is Kevin Sorbo. I was raised in Nebraska. My parents both worked. Mom worked in an office and Dad had a furniture store. Mom sometimes did his books."
"Why acting?" Tapert asks.
"I always loved acting. I did school plays and later stage work. I've done some television. My last job was MURDER SHE WROTE."
"Saw that one. Good job. What is your day job?"
"Construction and carpentry. I'm an independent. I get called for my jobs. I guess that's where I got these muscles."
"And they're very nice. My next question will be strange. Can you take off your shirt and put on this vest? I need to see how the costume would fit. I'd give you the pants but they are leather and have to be made for the actor."
"Sure."
The first man hands him a vest and Sorbo does as he is asked. He turns to Tapert.
"This good enough?" Hercules asks.
"That's just fine. Now let's try a scene. Let's go to page five, Act One, Scene Three. Start from the top of the page."
…
Hercules enters the bar. David sits on a stool by the bar. He walks up to David.
"I'm finally here."
David turns.
"Took you long enough. How did it go?"
"I don't know. I did what he said and left. How about you?"
"He took one look at me in the vest and I knew all was lost. I wasn't big enough."
"Neither was I."
"Did you see the guy in green?"
"You mean thunder arms? Yeah, he probably got the part."
"Let's get some beers and have a toast."
David taps the bar and the bartender gives them two beers. David raises his.
"To whoever gets the part."
They tap their bottles, take a sip and put them back on the bar.
"So, what's your day job?" Hercules asks.
"Sales, and you?"
"Construction and carpentry. I'm an independent."
"How is business?"
"Slow. That's why I need a part. At this point I would rather sell hamburgers in commercials. At least I could afford to eat AND pay the rest. Los Angeles is a tough town."
"Tell me about it. I tried out for another role in some speculation show. It's called "X-Files."
"I heard about that. I tried out and didn't get that one either. Good luck. Let's have a toast."
They raise their glasses.
"Here's to Hercules and X-Files." Hercules says.
They tap glasses.
"Here! Here!" David replies.
"I'm getting hungry. What do you say we have lunch?"
"I'm hungry too. Let's go cheap. There's a hamburger joint next door."
"Sounds good. Let's go."
They finish their beers and leave.
…..
It is a few days after. Hercules is at work. He is measuring some wood with a pencil and getting ready to saw it. Another man approaches him.
"Hey Kevin, there's a call for you. It came to the office phone."
"From whom?"
"Some guy named Tapert. Take it in the office."
…..
Hercules goes into the office and picks up the phone.
"Hello. This is Kevin Sorbo…Oh, hello Mr. Tapert. How can I help you?...I got the part… Course I'm surprised. My body was small compared to the others…Yes, I mean thunder arms…Move where?... New Zealand? Where's that?...Um. That comes with a problem. I have an apartment in Los Angeles. If I go there and flop, I lose my place. The rent is cheap. I can't afford to lose it. The only way I could go to New Zealand would be if I paid my rent ahead of time to save the place. I don't have the money…A year's rent. That offer is very good. By then I'll know if the job is safe… Thank you. What do we do next?...I'll be waiting for your call."
Hercules hangs up and smiles.
"I've always wanted to see New Zealand. I have to call David."
He leaves the office as Ares appears.
"Congratulations, bro. It's funny what a little encouragement will do. And you'll never know it was me. Welcome to Hercules, Hercules."
Ares laughs.
….
Kevin is now in New Zealand. He is approaching the set with Tapert. Everything looks quite authentic. Of course the sets are all made of Styrofoam. Kevin starts to laugh.
"What's so funny?" Tapert asks.
"The sets are Styrofoam."
"Of course. You can't expect to pick them up. You're an actor, not the real thing."
"I see your point."
Tapert walks ahead and Hercules speaks under his breath.
"That's what you think."
Another man walks up. It is the actor Michael Hurst. He is short, well built and has blond hair with a friendly face. Tapert meets him as Hercules catches up.
"Mike, there's someone I'd like you to meet. This is Kevin Sorbo. Kevin, this is Michael Hurst, your sidekick."
"Pleasure to meet you." Hurst says with a strong British accent.
They both shake hands.
"I thought the cast was ALL American?''
"You're the only real one. All the others can change their accents." Tapert answers.
"I do a good job myself." Hurst adds in a mid-western accent.
"I can see that, now." Hercules replies.
"I'll leave you two alone to get acquainted. But not until you meet two other people from the cast."
Two women approach. They are Roma Downey and Lucy Lawless. Lucy is a younger version of Xena, one and the same. Roma is a small woman with long black hair and a gentle face. Tapert calls them to the group.
"Ladies, this is Kevin Sorbo. He will be our new Hercules."
Hercules recognizes Lucy immediately. Only then he knew her as Xena, the Warrior princess. He tries not to react. She recognizes him as Hercules and does the same.
"Kevin, this is Roma. She's your leading lady." Tapert continues.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Kevin." Roma says in a beautiful Irish accent.
"And Lucy Lawless." Tapert adds.
"Pleasure, likewise." Xena continues in a strong New Zealand accent, while she keeps staring at him.
They both shake hands.
"Haven't we met before?" Xena asks.
"I don't think so. I would remember a beautiful woman like you." Hercules answers.
"I'll leave you to get acquainted. I have to get some sets taken care of."
Tapert leaves. Hurst turns to the girls.
"It's nice to know we'll be working together." Hurst says, flirting.
"Not all of us. WE won't be together. You, Kevin and Lucy will be. I'm just here for the movie." Roma answers.
"Pity." Hurst continues, still flirting.
"Listen ladies. Michael and I have to talk and get better acquainted. We don't have much time. Why don't we meet for dinner tonight, later?" Hercules asks.
"I'd like that. Till dinner, gentlemen." Roma replies.
They walk off.
"I can't wait for dinner. Looks like we will BOTH enjoy the entertainment. Let's go grab some lunch, Kevin."
"Good idea. I'm famished."
They start to leave and he stops and turns.
"Something wrong?"
"I can't help feeling I've met her before. Nah, not in a million years."
He turns and walks. Lucy does the same.
"Anything wrong?"
"I have met him before. I know it. But it isn't possible. Is it?" Xena asks.
"What isn't possible?" Roma asks.
"You wouldn't believe me." Xena answers.
They walk on.
…..
Two weeks have passed and the movie is going well. It is lunch and Hercules is eating a sandwich when Xena approaches.
"How's the sandwich?" she asks.
"Good. The tuna is fresh. You should get one."
"I got a salad instead."
"Suit yourself. I've always been a good eater."
"You always had a good appetite, even back then."
"And what does that mean?"
"I know who you really are. I knew the first time I met you. You're Hercules."
"I DO play the part."
"No, that's not what I mean. You are the real thing."
"Whatever gave you that idea?"
"You're too good an actor. I don't mean when you say lines. Anyone can do that. It's your body language. I can tell you're trying NOT to show your REAL strength. Only the real Hercules would do that."
"Let me get this straight. You think I am Hercules, pretending to an actor named Kevin Sorbo, who is playing Hercules?
"Exactly."
"And I thought I had an active imagination."
"Admit it, I'm right. Aren't I?"
"Okay, I admit it, XENA."
"You know who I am?"
"I've known from the beginning. Me, I can understand. I'm immortal. You weren't. What are you doing alive in the 20th century? Did something happen I don't know about?"
"You could say that. But you go first. Who is Kevin Sorbo and why do you have his name?"
Hercules puts down the sandwich.
"Kevin Sorbo died over 100 years ago. We were friends. I saw him grow up from a little baby till the day he was dead and buried. I've had to have many identities since I'm immortal. Only a few knew the truth through the years. Kevin was one of them. When he died, I took on his name to honor him. He was very special. I have been Kevin Sorbo for over 100 years."
"But how?"
"Simple. I'm a man. It didn't take much, just make-up and fast unknown disappearances. Plus, I was Sorbo, Sorbo Jr, Sorbo II, and Sorbo III and so on. It took five lifetimes before I could be just plain Sorbo again. By then there was no record of the original Kevin Sorbo. Now, tell me about Xena. This has to be good."
"I'm not really alive and I'm not a ghost. I am a clone."
"Let me get this straight. You're a clone, pretending to be an actress named Lucy Lawless. And I thought my life was confusing."
"Some scientists found some old DNA from me and a friend."
"Gabrielle, I presume."
"Correct. They did their thing and created us in their lab. They let us have our old memories. Don't look at the like that. I'm telling the truth."
"I'm sure you are. Go on, Xena."
"We escaped from the lab and faked our deaths. We've been in hiding ever since."
"And you chose to be an actress on TV? Don't you think you'll be recognized by those scientists?"
"We have our cover stories."
"And where is Gabrielle?"
"She's my roommate. We shared a place in Los Angeles. She came over with me and has a regular day job. This is until my next job will come up."
"Which is?"
"Xena, the Warrior Princess. Renee O'Connor, alias Gabrielle, is trying out for the part of Gabrielle. I hope I get it. I don't know if I will. Roma is up for it. I'm hoping she takes her other offer in Los Angeles. It has something to do with being "Touched by An Angel". I want to be ME, again."
"Interesting story. Is it true?"
"Every word."
"Anyone else know?"
"Only us three."
"And I thought my life was rough. You try being immoral. I have out-lived many wives and children. I was glad when the 20th century came. I had a simple surgery to cancel any more children."
"How many are there?"
"Too many. I'm glad I was never caught on child support."
"Do you still see some?"
"I see one ever day, Michael. He's my great, great, great, and more, grand-son. He can't find me because I make it a point to destroying my records every time I disappear. I can't be traced that far back. And there aren't many pictures."
"Till now. You can't escape it. You're on film. How will you get rid of Kevin Sorbo this time?"
"By starting over with Jr. all over again. I will be him for quite some time. After this job is over, there will be others. Now, tell me about you? How long does a clone live?"
"I don't know. Gabrielle and I could disappear tomorrow. I probably won't have the problem of multiple identities."
"And how does that make you feel?"
"Scared, but I'm glad I'm alive again. I get to be with my friend. How do you feel?"
"Honestly, lonely. I have no one I can talk to. I can't trust anyone. If I told them the truth I would be put away. I miss having friends, live Kevin."
"Well, since only the three of us will know the truth, we can all be friends. We are all we have."
"Till your clone bodies run out. I hope it won't be soon. It feels good to finally talk to someone, honestly."
"Same here."
"Guess, for the moment, any time we are not alone, we will be Kevin, Lucy and Renee. By the way, who was Lucy Lawless?"
"Lucy came from a Beatles song."
"Don't tell me. It had to do with skies and diamonds?"
"That very one. Lawless was the last name of the Mayor of the town I lived in. It did seem to sound right."
"It does flow off the tongue. Well, it's a please to meet you, Miss Lucy Lawless."
"And a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Kevin Sorbo."
They shake hands.
"May our friendship be a long one."
"A very long one." Hercules concludes.
…
Hercules, Gabrielle and Xena are back in the living room. It is the present.
"Will you ever tell Michael?" Gabrielle asks.
"No, I can't. I can't tell anyone, especially him. How would he feel if he knew he had the blood of the Gods in him?"
"By now it's probably deluded." Xena comments.
"Let's hope so. Will you ever tell Tapert?" Hercules asks.
"What do you mean?" Xena asks.
"It's no secret you two are involved. What if he pops the question? Tell him you can't marry him because you're a clone? If you agree, how will you explain how he went to sleep with you and you disappeared in the morning, forever?" Hercules asks.
"I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Sad about all the Gods though. They never made it to the 20th century. They would have liked it."
"Christianity killed them. Some left. Some disappeared. Some started living mortal lives. My sister, Aphrodite, did. She is the CEO and founder of . She can still be a Goddess of love."
"Are all of them gone?"
"Ares isn't. He lives in his own world. He's bored. I feel sorry for him. He hasn't learned how to be immortal in a mortal world."
Hercules makes a smelling noise.
"I believe the lamb is ready. I'm starved." He says.
"Your middle name is food, Kevin." Xena says, laughingly.
They start for the kitchen.
"Oh, I forgot to tell you girls. Rob called. He wants us on the set early tomorrow. We're to meet a new choreography consultant. Since ours is on his honeymoon, Rob found us a temporary one." Hercules says.
"Does he have a name?" Gabrielle asks.
"I believe its Smith. Let's eat."
The three go into the kitchen.
….
The next day, Hercules and Xena are studying their lines. Michael and Gabrielle approach as Hercules looks up.
"At last, a scene where all four of us can be together. It ought to be good for a laugh." Michael comments.
"It would be a nice change." Gabrielle adds.
"Where is the consultant?" Xena asks.
Tapert walks up to the four with another man. He is deeply disguised but Hercules, Xena and Gabrielle can see it is Ares.
"Guys, this is Kevin Smith. He will be doing the fights with you." Tapert introduces.
"A pleasure, Mr. SMITH." Hercules smirks.
"I'll leave you five to get acquainted."
Tapert leaves.
"Renee, why don't you and Michael take a walk? Kevin and I need to speak to Mr. Smith, privately." Xena asks.
"Of course, Lucy." Gabrielle replies, nodding her head in agreement.
Secrets must still be kept. They walk off. Hercules turns to Ares.
"Now you're a Kung-Fu instructor? When did that happen, Ares?" Hercules asks.
"I had to do something with my LONG life. I'm the God of War. I need some type of violence. At least it's physical. It's either this or Dancing with the Stars."
"Where did you come up the name Kevin Smith?" Hercules asks.
"Easy. Smith is hard to trace and Kevin is your name. It's easy to remember." Ares answers.
"And how long do you expect to keep that hidden." Xena asks.
"Till I can find something else. I'm BORED, bro. Aphrodite found a job. So can me. Till then we can all be one HAPPY family. How about it, bro?"
"Stop calling me that. My name is Kevin to you, bro." Hercules remarks.
"Will you keep my secret?"
"Do we have a choice?" Xena asks.
"Not really."
Hercules looks at Xena and sighs.
"Lucy, about dinner tonight. There will be FOUR." Hercules says, reluctantly.
"I knew you'd see it my way, Kevin. Now, let's have a talk. I have some ideas for the fight scene in the next act. Let's walk, shall we?" Ares says, opening his arm in a forward movement.
"If we must, MR. Smith." Hercules concludes.
As they walk off, they continue talking and fade away.
"By the way, Hercules, can we invite Aphrodite? It's been a long time since I've seen Sis?" Ares asks.
TO BE CONTINED TILL THEY CANCEL XENA IN HER SIXTH SEASON.
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