Tara sat down at her desk, staring idly at the stationary that Dawn had bought her a few years ago on her birthday. She rarely used it because it was so pretty – aged paper with the initials T.M. in the lower right hand corner – she only used it for special occasions. Not that she had many as of late. There were maybe five pages missing.
But that didn't matter.
She looked at the paper in front of her. She wasn't sure why but she felt like she had to write this letter; but exactly where does one start with a letter to who you were? It's not easy to bare one's self – even if it is to no one but you – being exposed is being as naked as you've ever been; emotionally.
Tara felt like she was never good with words, she was almost always too afraid to show her emotions and with all that against her she wasn't sure if anyone ever understood her.
Sometimes she finds it hard to understand herself, to forgive herself for the choices she's made in her life. She always felt like she abandoned Dawn when she left Willow; hating how selfish she felt that she left. She knows still that she had to, even though the guilt is still there.
Not telling Willow that she was a demon when they were first together, not telling Dawn just how horrid those spells can be…
So much regret can fit into one's heart. But so can love and understanding. Maybe that's why Buffy came to her that day in Sunnydale; because she was quiet but always forgiving.
Did she even dare mention her own death? That was something she could never quite fathom. She died and now…she wasn't dead. She was very much alive and with a heartbeat. And what about mamma?
But how do you tell that to yourself? How do you look at yourself in the mirror – or write it on paper – and admit the things that you never wanted to face?
Staring at the paper with her name written in her small neat handwriting she sighed, unsure where to start and what to say. She knew how she was when she was younger – afraid of her own shadow most of the time, believing she was a demon – but it's like writing this letter will change who she is now. Almost like her younger self will see this, change how she is and… and then who knows where she'll be.
There are things she wants to change, but everything has a ripple effect. Throw a rock in the pond and everything is disturbed.
Biting her lip nervously – a habit she was never able to break – she picked up the pen again and started to write…
Tara – Love mamma with all your heart; cherish her while she's there. Time is fleeting and precious. Remember and hold dear everything she teaches you. Forgive Daddy and Donnie; they don't understand. Mamma and you share something that nobody else in the world will understand. Hating them will only choke who you're supposed to become. Get to know Spike better, he's more like you then you think. If you don't you will regret that later on, I do know that much. There's one summer in Sunnydale that you two will share a pain nobody understands. That friendship will help; it'll give you strength to be strong for others. Don't change your relationship with Dawn but make sure she knows that you're not leaving her. You never abandoned her and vow to have more milkshake dates. Always, always remember you are stronger then you think. Embrace it and love who you are. Be more outgoing, open your eyes and you'll be amazed at the things you'll see. Somehow…find it in your heart to forgive Willow. She hurt you but she didn't ever fathom how deeply it would creep into your soul. Even though her judgment was clouded and wrong, she did it out of love. - T
We're never good with words of wisdom. So I'm left with giving you just a few things that I know you'll understand.
Sighing heavily she folded the paper neatly without rereading it, scripted her own name on it along with the date in the corner. She looked at it for a moment before she slipped it inside a box filled with unsent letters. Most were to her mother, some were to Willow, a few to Dawn and now one for herself…