The Darkness Within!
By No1butjoe
A/N: This is a continuation of The Darkness Outside. I suggest you read that one first as I will refer to it in this story often.
Disclaimer - I don't own Bonanza or its characters.
Summary - Set a few months after the first story.
The Departure
Ben Cartwright glanced up as the front door opened and a draft made it's way inside the warmth of the house. His youngest son, Joseph, walked in, shaking the snow off of himself and rubbing his hands together to get warm.
"Well, it's about time you got back," Ben teased, hiding his smile.
"Sorry, Pa," Joe apologized. "There was a log in the road from the blizzard and it took longer than I expected to move it."
Ben's scowl turned to a bright smile as he shook the cowboy's hand.
"Pa, there's something else, too," Joe said, quietly. "I have to go away for a while. It's difficult to explain, but you remember that man I was a bodyguard for?"
"You mean the one you almost got yourself killed for?" his father replied, a hint of anger flickering in his chocolate brown eyes. "How can I forget him?"
"Well, it's about that, Pa, so I don't know how long I'll be gone," Joe announced, softly. "Please, don't worry about me, okay? I'll be home soon. I promise."
"Don't make promises you can't keep, son," Ben whispered as Joe walked out the door into an unknown adventure.
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Memories
The blizzard that came up unexpectedly made Joe believe that he'd never survive. After the operation that saved his life, Joe had begun to heal slowly, with a little help from his family. Ben had always been there in an emergency and encouraged Joe to never give up hope. Adam had stayed with Joe at night and slept in a chair by his bed, in case he needed something in the middle of the night. And, Hoss, well, he had helped most of all. Doing all of Joe's chores, as well as his own was a hassle, and Joe was extremely grateful to his older brother. But, unlike the support he received at home, he often needed to be by himself from time to time. To think things through. This was one of those times.
Struggling onward, he remembered when he woke up in his own room on the Ponderosa, and realized that he wasn't going to die, like the bullet had wanted him to. His pa had been right there after Adam had called him, crying and thanking God that he had spared his 'baby'. Joe collapsed in the snow, tears flowing down his cheeks and freezing before they hit the ground. How could he have left his father and brothers? After all they'd done for him and he'd just walked out as if it hadn't mattered.
"Pa, please, find me," he whispered before giving into the darkness.
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The Search
"He should've been back by now," Ben said, pacing back and forth.
"Pa, if he said he'd be back, he'll be back," Adam assured him. "Plus, if he wants any dinner, he'll have to come home before Hoss eats it all!"
The younger man threw a pillow at Adam, who ducked. Ben smiled, but the laughter that usually followed wasn't visible on his face. Adam sighed.
"Do you want us to look for him, Pa?" he asked, rising to his feet. "I'd feel better knowing whether or not he was in shelter due to this blizzard."
Hoss also rose and moved to the door, covering himself with a huge jacket and placing his gunbelt around his waist.
"I'm going to look, Adam," he said, matter-of-factly. "You comin'?"
Adam glanced at his father, who looked at him with pleading eyes, as if begging them to find Joe. His oldest son nodded and followed Hoss into the swirling fury of snow. It didn't take long for Adam and Hoss to pick up their younger brother's trail. Being older and more experienced, they knew exactly where he was heading, but it was a hard trip in the storm. The line shacks - over fifteen miles away.
"If we don't find him soon, we'll have to stop and wait 'til the weather lightens up a bit," Adam announced after they had traveled a few more miles. "I sure hope he found shelter."
Hoss didn't say anything, his worry for his younger brother clouding his mind and preventing him from thinking about anything else. Was Joe hurt? Scared? Hungry? Cold? Dying?
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Special Place
Of all the things on Joe's mind at that very moment, he was thinking about his family. It was always like him to think of others when it was him who was hurting. He thought of his pa, the one man he was sure was worried to death right about now. Would he ever see him again? Then there was Hoss, his partner, friend, but most importantly, brother. No matter what they always figured out some way to get into mischief, but always managed to get themselves out of it (or begged their father and older brother to). Speaking of Adam, Joe thought, sadly. I wonder if he's thinking about me. Suddenly, a sharp pain stabbed his heart. A moment of realization hit Joe.
"Oh, please don't tell me he's out in this weather looking for me," he whispered, almost pleading with God. "If he is, don't let him get hurt. Take me-."
He was about to say 'Take me instead', but then thought how much more Adam would be hurting. It doesn't matter, he thought, pushing himself to his feet. As long as Adam's alive.
Even after the argument that had driven him away from his family, Joe had always admitted that he loved Adam. When Joe was young, around 12 or 13, Adam would take him fishing on weekends, that is, when he wasn't busy working around the ranch. If Adam caught a fish, he'd let Joe say HE caught it, even though he didn't. Joe sighed as he pushed on, breathing heavily. He didn't want another brother because no one could take Adam's special place in his heart.
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Adam's Regrets
"Hey, Adam, you hungry?" Hoss asked, softly as he placed a plate in front of his older brother, who was staring off into space. "Adam?"
"I can't believe this is happening all over again, Hoss," came the reply. "The first time he left, we went after him and never found him, but now he wants to be found and we're just sitting here doing absolutely nothing! You're always telling me and Joe not to fight, aren't you, Hoss?"
A nod was his only answer.
"I really screwed up, huh?" Adam asked, burying his face in his knees. "Man! I'm such an idiot! I drove him away the first time, I was the one who wanted to find him, I wanted to say I was sorry. Now, I might not be able to ever see him again. I-I wish I c-could go back a-and just reverse it, all of it!"
"Adam, we'll find him, I promise," Hoss said, putting an arm around the older man's shoulders. "We'll find him - alive."
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Guilt and Forgiveness
Joe Cartwright spotted a lit lamp in a window of one of the line shacks and immediately started toward it. Visions of falling in the snow and never getting back up flooded his mind. He remembered how he felt after the doctor told him he wouldn't live. How hopeless and alone he felt, the same way he felt now. It was his own fault! He had wanted to leave. Anxiously approaching the door, he collapsed, the last thing he remembered being the door opening and his oldest brother picking him up to take him inside!
Time Lapse . . .
Adam gently stroked Joe's damp hair like his father had done after Joe's surgery. The younger cowboy was cold, but was warming up by the fire Hoss had started.
"Adam, look he's wakin' up," Hoss announced, smiling down at Joe, whose eyes were fluttering open.
"Adam?" Joe whispered, catching sight of him. "Adam, you cam after me?"
Adam's eyes filled with tears as he embraced Joe, who was eagerly waiting for the hug.
"I'm sorry, Joe," he whispered, choking back a sob. "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault you left."
"No, it's mine," Joe argued, which caused both of them to laugh.
Now they were arguing over whose fault it was!
"How 'bout it's both of yer faults, forgive each other, and we figure out a way to get home without being blown halfway to California?" Hoss asked, tears visible in his eyes.
"I forgive you," Adam and Joe said, simultaneously.
Joe grinned mischievously and said, "Now, about that plan."
A/N: Will they make it out? Have Adam and Joe REALLY resolved their differences? Find out in "The Darkness Takes Over", coming soon. And please, R&R! Thanks to all who have reviewed the first segment!