Hi! So I meant to post this on world mental health day (for awareness of eating disorders), but I just got finished with it today so sorry about that!
I wrote this using my own personal experience with diagnosed eating disorders, and I will most likely post another one shot or mini fic during NEDA week in February.
Also, please remember that you aren't alone. I'm always here to listen.
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Obvious trigger warning for this one shot because it's is centered around anorexia type things.
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Please review :)
Control.
Control.
Control.
This was something that went through Beca's mind every second of every day. She was getting thinner and thinner as each day passed, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. All she ever wanted was a little bit of control in her life, and when she finally got it she never wanted to let it go.
She hid it well from her girlfriends for awhile. She pushed her food around on her plate, she'd chew and spit, and when they weren't looking she would scrape food into her napkin, stuff it in her pockets, and even put it in her bra. She didn't care how dirty she got in the process, just as long as she didn't have to eat.
Beca was a great manipulator and an even better liar. It took Chloe and Aubrey several months before they eventually started to slightly notice that something wasn't right.
They began to notice how little Beca was actually eating. They noticed how small and fragile she had gotten, especially over the last few weeks. Sometimes they'd hear her groaning in pain due to excessive exercise. And other times they'd find the clumps of her hair that fell out whenever she'd brush her hair or even slightly skim her fingers through it.
Her once healthy hair was now thin and brittle, similar to her body. Her eyes no longer held that spark they had in them, they were now dull, empty, and heavily sunken in. Not to mention how sunken in her face was. Her cheekbones stuck out, her lips all dry and chapped, her skin rough and cracked. Her nails had gone from a nice pink color to a malnourished dark blue. She looked look so close to death it terrified the Chloe and Aubrey.
Beca almost always complained about being cold, even though it wasn't cold at all. Her body grew a light layer of hair that covered her, it did its best to keep her warm.
A lot of the times she'd cuddle into the girls with her whole body shaking from being so cold. "Becs you're shaking!" Chloe giggled, and at the moment, not realizing the seriousness of her condition. The redhead wrapped her arms around Beca, providing a small amount of warmth.
"You're wearing two sweatshirts, sweatpants, and you're snuggled into me. How are you still cold?" Chloe smiled down at her girlfriend. Beca shrugged her shoulders and did her very best to hide how cold she was.
Each day Beca refused to eat was another day of suspicion and worry. It was getting harder and harder to make up excuses because her girlfriends continuously asked questions. It wasn't like this prior to suspicion. In the past she could just say that she already ate or that she wasn't hungry, there were never really any questions after that. But now it was:
"What did you have to eat?"
"How much did you eat?"
"What time did you eat?"
"Where did you eat?"
Being as observant as she is, Aubrey was the first to suspect an actual eating disorder, instead of just a few bad stomach aches. After carefully watching Beca she caught on to all her tricks, and she really began to notice how good of a liar she was.
Concerned for Beca's sake, she went to talk to Chloe about it.
"Hey Chlo?"
"Yeah?" The redhead replied.
"Okay so I don't know if my assumptions are correct, but I'm scared that they are and I don't want them to be true. Oh god I hope they aren't, but what if they-" Chloe cut her off by putting a finger to the blonde's mouth.
"You're rushing everything out baby, take a deep breath and then tell me." Chloe gave Aubrey a small smile and nod as a signal to restart.
"I think Beca has an eating disorder." Aubrey managed to get out. Chloe's facial expression immediately changed to a look of sadness, and she quickly found herself thinking about everything she had seen, or in this case hadn't seen. She thought for a few more moments before finally speaking again.
"I think you're right. Today we'll see if we can get her to eat, and if she doesn't... then I suggest we reach out and try to get her some professional help." Chloe grabbed Aubrey's hand and rubbed her thumb gently on the back of her hand, giving a soothing effect.
When Beca got home she was greeted by her girlfriends sitting at the kitchen table. Chloe patted the seat in between her and Aubrey. Beca cautiously walked over towards the two, nervous for what was to come.
"What's going on?" Beca slowly took a seat, and turned to Aubrey as Chloe got up to get a small plate of fruit.
When she came back, she placed the fruit in front of Beca, and the brunette already knew where this was going.
"Sorry Chlo. I'm not really hungry. I already ate." Beca lied on impulse.
"It's just fruit Becs, it won't do anything." Aubrey spoke softly, but Beca shook her head.
"I'm not hungry. I feel sick anyways, so acidic fruit won't help me." Beca tried to twist the situation, only failing as her stomach growled. It was loud enough for the two girls to hear that she definitely hadn't eaten anything in awhile.
"C'mon Becs you have to eat." Chloe pushed.
"No. I already said I'm not hungry. I ate earlier today." The brunette fought defiantly. She knew if she ate she'd be losing control, and control was the only thing she had left in her life. Everything else went to shit.
"Your stomach says otherwise sweetheart. And as much as it kills me to admit it Beca, but I haven't seen you eat something with my own two eyes in weeks now, and that worries me to death. I don't care what you eat, it's okay to eat anything, but I need you to eat." Aubrey moved closer to Beca, softly grabbing her by the face to look at her.
Beca shook her head and put her head in between her arms, releasing a big sigh. "I'm not hungry." She repeated. She wouldn't let herself eat. She had come so far already, she couldn't stop now.
Chloe sat back down on the other side of Beca, mentally preparing herself to confront her girlfriend.
"Beca, we think you might have an eating disorder-" She tried to start, but the smaller girl was quick to cut her off.
"I don't have an eating disorder! I eat perfectly fine..." She snapped before mumbling the last part because she knew she was lying. She doesn't eat fine at all. Hell, most of the time she didn't even eat, and when she did she would exercise it all off.
"Alright, so if you don't have a problem eating then eat the fruit that's right in front of you. Shouldn't be a problem, right?" Aubrey spoke knowing she had already proven her point. She then pushed the small plate of fruit in front of Beca.
"I'll eat later I promise. I'm just not hungry right now." Beca spoke, her voice cracking. She knew this was coming. She could tell by the worried glances from both her girlfriends for the past few weeks now.
"Beca..." Chloe's heart sunk.
"I have to go, I'll be back soon." Beca quickly got up from the table and went out the door.
"What do we do Aubrey?" The redhead had tears forming in her eyes. "She's dying right in front of our eyes and we can't do anything about it!" Sobs ripped out of Chloe's body.
The blonde wrapped her arms around Chloe, petting her hair all the way to the bottom of her back. "We'll figure things out, I promise Chlo."
Aubrey picked up Chloe bridal style and carried her to the couch.
"We'll sit here together and wait for her to return. And when she comes back we're going to have a discussion with her, okay?" Chloe nodded and rested her head in Aubrey's neck.
Two hours passed before Beca finally came back. And she didn't return in the state she left in. She was all sweaty and out of breath. She had run almost the entire time she was gone, only stopping when she absolutely had to. Not to mention she felt like she was going to pass out at any second.
"H-hey guys." The brunette quickly grabbed onto the wall for some sort of support. Seeing this, the two girls quickly jumped into action and brought Beca to the couch.
She was so dizzy and tired.
The brunette fell onto the couch, releasing a huff as she landed wrongly on her arm. "Looks like I'm gonna have another bruise." She mumbled to herself before closing her eyes.
"Beca we need to talk." Chloe moved over to the couch and adjusted herself under Beca. She held her secure in her arms making sure the smaller girl couldn't get up to leave again.
"What about?" Beca asked despite already knowing the answer.
"You know what about. We want you to get better Beca. We cant stand watching you slowly kill yourself. It hurts seeing you waste away day by day, and us not being able to do anything about it because you won't open up to us. I know it's hard Becs, but I can't go another day knowing you haven't eaten, knowing you're hurting yourself...knowing you're dying." Aubrey spoke, tears falling down her face. Aubrey looked over to Beca to see that she was battling with her inner thoughts. She didn't know how to respond. All Beca could manage to do was nod. Too much emotion hitting her all at once. It was true, she had been so tired of living this way, and she wanted to get better, but she somehow couldn't make herself let it go.
It was now Chloe's turn to speak.
"Beca you're so beautiful, you're an amazing person, and you have so much potential. But you're withering away. You love music so much, and you want to pursue a career with it, right?"
Beca gave another small nod.
"But you can't." Beca jerked her head around, giving Chloe a look of confusion and 'yes the fuck I can.' Chloe let a small smile form on her lips.
"Not if you continue to not eat Beca. You will die. Everything will be gone. You will be gone. I can't have that Beca. We can't have that." Aubrey nodded, agreeing with Chloe, and took Beca's hands into hers.
"I want you healthy and happy, I want you to live a good life. I want you to experience things. I want you alive, Beca." Aubrey took a deep breath.
"We want you to get better, and I know you don't think you have a problem, but you do Beca. I can see your hip bones protruding out from your pants. I can see each one of your ribs laying right against your shirt. I can see your spine almost breaking your skin whenever you bend even the slightest. Your collar bones jab out from the tops of your shoulders. You have an unhealthy gap bet between your legs. You flinch when we try to touch you, you used to not be that way. And I see the way you look at yourself in the mirror. You either look really angry at yourself or you look like you're about to cry because you hate yourself so much. You aren't healthy baby, and I love you too much to let you continue this." Aubrey finished.
Beca let out a loud sob, causing both her girlfriends hearts to shatter into tiny pieces. Chloe rocked Beca in her arms, kissing the top of her head every few seconds.
Beca cried for another few minutes before finally getting her emotions in tact.
"I'll do it. I'll get better. For you guys." Beca wiped her tears away and nodded to herself.
"I love you baby, and I'm so proud of you." Aubrey pulled her in for a kiss and leaned her head against Beca's, thankful she's accepting help.
"I love you so much, and I'm so glad you made the right choice." This time it was Chloe who brought Beca in for a kiss.
Beca smiled, and for the first time in awhile she felt okay.
Not only was she doing this for her girlfriends, but she was also doing this for herself. This is what she wanted. She wanted to finally be free.