Numb
Notes:
Please, please, be kind...this is the first time my work has really seen the light of day. I apologize, for it's VERY depressing.I've been here for fifteen years now. I suppose I'm not an uncommon phenomenon here, but most people come here after living much longer than I did. I was seven when it happened. Back then, I didn't think about tomorrow. Children often don't. Then again, why should they have to? I had my life set for me back then. I was the crown prince. Like my father, I would be the king of Figaro. After he passed on, of course. But I also wanted to be like my father in other ways. He was a brilliant mechanic. Many would even say a genius. Not an uncommon thing for the Figaro family. And father had told me I had also inherited the same gift from him. I don't know about that, exactly. I liked inventing stuff, but I don't know if I was actually a genius or not. I guess it doesn't really matter. All I knew was that I wanted to be an inventor, too. Good thing my parents both encouraged me. My mother was a quiet and gentle woman who believed in justice and in loving her fellow man. Many say the type of love my parents had was more typical of romantic works of fiction. Nothing in this world could be more perfect and actually last when the reality of it all set in. And had I not been a witness to it all, I would probably tend to agree. But I don't think I ever saw the euphoria leave their relationship. Except that time when I was seven. I remember it began as a regular day...
* * * * *
Tyon Cole was visiting the castle that day. He was normally a quiet kid, but his whole demeanor changed around my big sister, Nala. He became downright annoying. Or amusing, if you weren't my sister. For you see, he made no secret of his crush on her.
I saw the scene from the doorway to the east courtyard.
"Naaaala!" Tyon shouted, seeing her.
"Oh, no," Nala said, rolling her eyes as the boy approached her.
"Hi, Nala!" he said, his young eyes completely love struck.
"Hi, Tyon," Nala said dryly in a vain attempt to ignore the boy.
"Wanna play with me?" Tyon said insistently, shadowing Nala as she attempted to walk away.
"No. I don't have time now."
"Whatcha doin'?"
"None of your business."
"Oh. Can I help?"
"No. Go away."
"Can you play later?"
Nala had lost patience with the all-too-familiar scene. She threw up her hands in complete frustration. "Why don't you go play with someone your own age?"
"I wanna play with you."
My sister fell back on the only thing that had worked in the past. "I think Caitlin's doing something neat."
"What?"
"I don't know. Why don't you go see?"
"Oh. Okay."
Nala sighed as the boy walked away. This was when I made my presence known.
"Is he bugging you?" I said.
"Yeah, Jerrod. I tricked him good, though."
I watched after him, knowing what would happen. "He won't be gone long."
She hit me on the arm. "Jerrod!"
"Well it's true."
"Then I'll go hide."
"Okay. But better make it good. He'll find you."
"I'll make it good," Nala said, hurrying off.
I shrugged and sat down in the corner of the courtyard with a book. A few pages in I was interrupted by yet another young voice.
"Jerrod?"
I looked up to see a large pair of frost blue eyes staring back at me. It was my little cousin, Carrina. She was only four years old, but still had the makings of being a brilliant inventor, like my dad. Because we both spent a lot of time in father's workshop we got to know each other really well. I admit, it had grown to the point that I couldn't resist the little girl's every whim -- she was so filled with innocence.
"What is it, Carrina?" I asked.
"Help me with this?" she asked, placing a contraption in my lap.
"Hmmm...what is it?"
"My thing."
"What thing?"
"I'm making it," she said. "But I can't do this. Help me?"
I smiled, being melted by my cousin's plea. I could sort of tell what she was trying to do with the mishmash of parts, but I couldn't be positive.
I looked at her again, her giant blue eyes pleading with me.
"Okay," I said, standing and taking her hand. "You know, when you get bigger, you'll be able to do everything yourself. You're pretty smart."
"You're smart!" she exclaimed. "You know everything."
I laughed heartily. "No, I don't really. But if you wanna believe that, I won't stop you."
I followed the girl down into the basement of the castle, to my father's workroom, carefully toting Carrina's 'thing' in my hands. She took it from me, putting it down on the small worktable I had made for her.
"This tool's too heavy," she stated plainly, pointing at it as if it were evil.
I picked up the tool, examined what needed to be done on the 'thing', and did it.
"There. Done."
"Thank you!!" she shouted excitedly, hugging me.
"You're welcome."
"I love you, Jerrod!" Carrina said.
She didn't have to tell me. I knew it already. But it was a nice gesture.
I looked over at my own section of work space, and saw my current project sitting there. I had put it away for a few days but since I was there I decided to continue working on it.
My cousin saw me go over to my own table. "Stay! Stay!" she said, jumping up and down.
"Okay, okay. I will. If you want my help, let me know."
The girl nodded, her ebony locks falling into her eyes. She brushed them back, and went back to work on her project.
I stood before my own venture. I had been having some trouble with it. I knew what I wanted it to do, but I hadn't been able to come up with exactly how I would go about it yet. I would normally take such a problem to my father, but I was actually planning on it being a New Year's gift for him. I hoped it would help him out when he had to recall stuff from council. Something like a phonograph, only better. I was reading this book on magnets and started thinking. So I'd been sticking magnetic shavings to this cylinder, hoping that I could make it mimic sounds. Anyway, it was very long and complicated. I had it all working, but I hadn't been able to think of a way to make it save the sounds and play them back. Some kind of amplifier, like we've got in the alarm system for the submerge mode of the castle.
I pondered on it for what seemed like forever. When Carrina was called up to the west courtyard for her daily martial arts training, I also decided to quit for awhile.
I was walking to my bedroom when I passed by the council hall. The court had already gathered. I knew something big was happening in the castle. Even though I loved mechanics, I never really quite got politics. A bunch of men were arguing about something. Then I heard my father's voice. Not a particularly strong voice but being the king, one that commanded attention.
"Alright, that's enough! Enough!" There was a long pause. I peeked inside to see what was going on.
My father stood.
"We'll re-convene in a half hour..." he said slowly. "Perhaps when we all return, we can discuss this in a civilized manner."
He walked towards the doorway. I still watched, and I knew he had seen me there as he rose.
"Good morning, Jerrod," he said as he reached the hallway.
"Morning, father. Busy with council?"
"I'll likely be all day. Or even all month if this debate keeps going on."
"Is that about the trading thing with Nashen?"
My father nodded. He had tried explaining it to me earlier, but I wasn't much interested mainly because I didn't understand.
"And then there's that stuff with North Shore, too," I said.
"A city founding and a trade debate. I wish it all to be over before New Year's."
"Do you think it can be?"
"I really don't know."
"Well, it's a whole month away, right?"
"It is. But these things do take time. I'll likely just have to sit on the issue a couple months until it cools down. Either way, though, North Shore's founding will still keep me very busy."
"Well, I won't get in your way, father. I promise."
"I trust you won't."
There was a tense silence between us for a moment. I didn't quite understand it. His eyes became so serious as he said to me, "Jerrod....could you do me a special favour today?"
"Sure," I responded.
"Please spend the rest of the day studying. I don't want you to be running around the castle today, alright?"
There was a strange urgency in his voice. Even at age seven I picked up on it. But I did find it a weird request.
"Why not?"
"Please...." my father said. "Please, just study quietly. No playing and running around today. Just for today. Tomorrow you can play all you want."
"Well.....okay," I agreed, yet did not understand why.
My father nodded, seeming somewhat relieved. "If you learn anything really interesting, perhaps I'll set some time aside tonight so you can tell me all about it."
"Okay," I said.
"I'll see you later, Jerrod."
I nodded, then went to my room, completely bewildered.
* * * * * *
A few hours passed. I sat before my desk, not at all engrossed by what I was reading. I was very, very bored.
"Skies," I thought. "If I want to study it's okay, and even fun. But being made to....is tedious...but I did make a promise to father, and fathers know things we kids don't know. He's gotta have a reason."
So I went back to my book.
Not long after, my concentration was easily broken by my sister's voice.
"Hey, Jerrod!" Nala shouted, coming into my room.
"What is it? I'm studying."
"Why are you studying?"
"'Cause father told me to."
"You're always studying."
"I know. But today I'm bored."
"Then why don't you come out and play with us? We were gonna play tag."
I remembered my father's specific instructions -- "No playing and running around today."
"I can't," I responded. "Father told me not to."
"Oh, father told us all not to. But we're bored and he's so busy he'll never find out. And he told us to leave you alone, but tag's no fun without everybody, Jerrod. Besides, you can keep that little weasel Tyon from trying to kiss me. Nobody else is big enough."
The offer was very tempting. But I had given father my word.
"No. I really can't. I promised."
"Well, okay. I had to try. But if you change your mind, you'll know where to find us."
I nodded, trying to pretend like I didn't care. But I did. I cared a lot. I tried to continue studying. Then I heard everyone else's laughter coming in from my bedroom window. It gave a clear view of the centre courtyard, where everyone was playing. I tried to ignore it. But soon I found myself at the window, watching them from below. Realizing what I was doing, I slammed closed the shutters, but I could still hear them. I knew there was only one way to alleviate my boredom. I just couldn't wait for the end of the day. Besides, what would a few minutes of tag hurt? I rose and quickly headed for the centre courtyard.
"I knew you'd come," Nala said. "Studying's boring enough without being made to do it."
"I'm only going to stay a few minutes. Then I've gotta get back to studying."
"Okay." She dashed towards me. "You're 'it'!"
As we all played in the centre courtyard, I admitted to myself that it was much more fun than studying. Especially that day. What I had intended to be minutes turned into an hour. And I was yet to be exhausted with the games.
Another game of tag had ensued. I was running from Jaxon, Carrina's brother, who was 'it'. Then I felt my foot hit something hard, and though I tried to break my fall, it only made it worse. I remember the quick pain as my head hit the cobblestones, and then there was nothing but blackness.
* * * * * *
Everything was blurry when I woke up, but my eyes quickly adjusted. I felt the pounding in my head as it throbbed.
I was in my bedroom. I looked and saw my parents were there, looking all concerned. My first thought was to call out to them.
"Mama....Father...." I moaned.
I saw my parents rush over to my bedside. But my eyes were only on my father. He knew I had disobeyed him.
"Sorry, father....I know you told me to study..."
I noticed the sadness in my father's eyes. "It's alright. I -- should have been with you instead....then you never would have gotten hurt."
"Are you alright?" Mama asked.
I still felt the pounding in my head, but didn't want to worry her. "Yeah," I said.
"We were so worried about you," Mama said, taking my hand. "You should be more careful."
"Mmhmm...didn't see what I tripped over."
"Obviously not," Mama said, brushing off a stray hair that had fallen in my face. "Do you need anything?"
"I'm tired..." I said. Even though I had been unconscious for awhile, I was still groggy.
"Alright, then. The medic said you'd probably be tired when you awoke. I'll get you some extra blankets. It's cold tonight."
Mama left, leaving me and my father alone. He stood alone in the corner, just looking at me. I interpreted it as anger.
"Please, don't be angry with me, father..."
"I'm not angry at you," he said, stressing the word 'you' ever so slightly.
"You're mad at someone?"
My father nodded. "But never mind that. I'm glad to see you're awake."
"I'm sorry I worried you."
"It's alright. Just -- let me know if you want anything extra special, alright? I'll get you whatever you want."
"For New Year's?" I asked, thinking he meant for the upcoming holidays.
"No. Right now. No need to wait for New Year's."
"Um --- okay," I said, completely mystified for only a second. My child's mind thought of the possibility of being showered with gifts. I told myself that I should get hurt more often, just as my eyes closed and I drifted off to sleep.
* * * * * *
Days later I was feeling better. I was up and living my regular life. I still didn't know why my father had acted so strangely when I got hurt. I knew there was some reason for it, but I didn't know what.
I hadn't been able to think of too many things to ask my father for. Except a bag of candy and a brand new tool set. But despite that, I still got a lot of things I never asked for. Father was still busy with those trade talks, and the impending founding of North Shore. All his gifts were left in my room overnight, and were there for me when I awoke in the morning. Quite frankly, I would much rather have had him spend time with me instead of getting all the gifts, but I knew he was busy. Not to say I didn't love the stuff I got, too. Like the picture scope. I remember to this day how envious of that picture scope Nala was. She had wanted one for years, and had never received one. And all of a sudden I got one without even having to ask for it. Mama was getting suspicious, too. My father had always spoiled us kids, mainly because he could afford it, but even this was too much.
I remember overhearing Nala lamenting to Mama about it.
"Why does he get all this stuff? What did he do to get a picture scope?" Nala spoke adamantly.
Mama tried to explain it, but it was clear she didn't fully understand, either. "Well, your father's been really busy. And you know how much time your father likes to spend with your brother. He hasn't had any time recently. And when Jerrod got hurt, I think your father sort of felt a need to compensate for not being there for Jerrod. As soon as the trade talks are over, and North Shore's all founded and officially a part of Figaro, your father will have time for all of us again, and things will go back to normal. You just wait and see."
"But it's still not fair! I just wish Jerrod would die!"
"Nala....please, just give your father some time. And maybe if you ask your brother nicely, he'll let you use his picture scope sometimes."
"Whatever," Nala grumbled, and went off.
I had heard it all. I knew Nala resented me. In some ways, she always had. But I had resented her because she could make up beautiful music and I couldn't even sing. But at that time, I didn't care. I was happy, being showered with gifts, and that was all that mattered. Life was good.
But then I began to get the nagging headaches. Mama thought they were just aftershocks of when I hit my head, and she got a willow tea drink for me to sip when I felt one coming on. It helped a little in the beginning, but not for long.
But I never told my mother how they got worse. I tried to ignore the pain so I wouldn't make them worry about me. Besides, I had work to do in the workshop. I had to finish my invention before New Year's, and it was quickly approaching.
Mama went off to her former home town of Branford to visit her other children there. They were not her real children, not like me or Nala or Caitlin, but she had been like a mother to them during the war with Kefka that my parents fought in. She was due back two days before New Year's. She had gone every year since before I was born.
Mama was still away and my father was very busy. Uncle Sabin and Aunt Yuli were looking after we kids for a bit when it was necessary. Mama was going to return the next morning. I was out in the west courtyard watching my cousins training in the martial arts when all of a sudden I felt a strong, stabbing pain in my head. I was on the ground, holding my head like a vice to try and stop the stabbing pain.
Everything in the courtyard stopped and my aunt and uncle ran to me.
"Jerrod...what's wrong?"
"Head....hurts...." It was the best I could do.
"We should get him to bed. I'll take him," Aunt Yuli said.
"I'll get the medic. Nala, keep an eye on the kids," Uncle Sabin said.
I didn't notice Nala nod. I was in too much pain to really notice anything. I knew they had gotten me to my room and the medic came to look at me. I thought I saw my father come in through it all, but I couldn't hear what anyone did or said. All the rest was painful, and my sight was blurry. I soon felt a little bit of relief when I fell asleep. I suspect the medic had given me something to help me do so, but all that mattered was that I had a bit of relief.
When I awoke, it was still dark. My sight was a little better, and I knew my father was sitting by my bedside. I don't think I could speak, or at least I didn't remember saying anything. But I could sort of make out what he was saying. His eyes were filled with tears.
"I'm sorry....I'm so sorry...." he said. "If only I hadn't been so busy....this never would have happened..."
I had no idea what he was talking about and I had no strength to even begin to question or even wonder if I was hearing him right.
"I've failed you...." he said again.
I was groggy, my mind saw images of my mother. Normally, I would remember she was out of the castle, but I wasn't thinking straight. I moaned, "Mama....want....Mama...."
"But -- your mother isn't here, and..."
The sharp pain came back, and my father stopped talking. He took my hand instead, his eyes filling with even more tears. I thought I heard my father shout for the medic, who instantly entered.
That was when everything went black again.
But this time, it stayed black.
Until I felt light. The pain had lifted from me completely. I was floating in the air. I saw the entire room clearly now. Oddly, I even saw myself lying in the bed, the medic still fussing over me. But then he stopped, looking very serious. He turned to my father, who was looking back at him as if awaiting a verdict.
"I'm sorry....there's nothing more I can do. He's gone."
"Gone?" I questioned.
My father looked at the me lying in bed, and he said nothing.
The medic left the room after placing a quick comforting hand on father's shoulder.
All father could do was stare at me, tears in his eyes. I still wondered what the medic had meant by 'gone'. Gone like Mama, only to come back tomorrow? Or gone like old man Johns, the stable man who the medic had said left the castle forever? It had been the medic who had said I was gone, so I supposed he meant it more like gone forever. And father hadn't cried when Mama left. Could I be dead like Nala's first pet turtle, Crawler? What did 'dead' mean? I knew what the priestesses had told me about being dead. You went to this wonderful place called Heaven. If you were good.
I kept watching the scene, trying to figure out what it all meant. The sun rose through my window, but it didn't lighten the mood of the dark scene. Father still stared in disbelief, I still lied there.
Soon the medic and his assistant entered the room.
"My liege..." he began. "With all due respects, your highness.... we have to take him away..."
"Take....away?" my father said, then shook his head. "No.... no.... you can't take him away. I won't let you take him away..." My father took my lying body and held me in his arms tightly.
"This....is difficult for me to ask....but we can't leave him here."
"No!" my father shouted again, loud and defiant. "You're not going to take him away! He's going to stay here with me!"
The look in my father's eyes frightened me. I had never seen him so scared before.
Uncle Sabin entered the room. He approached my father.
"Brother...." he began. "The medic's right... They have to take him away. Now that the sun's risen, the desert air..."
"But..."
"I'll put him in the cold cellar," the medic said. "You can see him there if you wish, my king. But we cannot leave him here."
My father weakly nodded, held my form for a few more seconds, then allowed the medic to take me away. He didn't watch as they went. He only stared at the place where I had been laying mere moments ago.
"I'm....sorry...." Sabin said to father.
My father nodded again.
"Terra....should be arriving on the stage very soon. I'll go tell her," my uncle said.
Once again, that empty nod.
I wished to leave. I didn't like the look on father's face -- it frightened me. Besides, Uncle Sabin had said Mama was coming home, and I really wanted to see her. So I followed him out as he slowly walked towards the front steps of the castle.
* * * * * *
A few minutes later, I saw Mama's stage drive up to the castle, and she stepped off. Uncle Sabin stood there, waiting for her. She and Sabin embraced lightly.
"It's good to be home. Cotta told me Jerrod's sick. How is he?" she asked instantly.
My uncle's silence was enough of an answer for Mama. Next to my father, Mama was closest to my uncle, and she could read him.
"What's wrong?" she asked, her voice trying to hide her impending panic. "Sabin, tell me!"
"It was -- an hour ago....Jerrod...."
Tears began to fill Mama's eyes. "What are you saying?" But in her voice, you could tell she already knew.
"Jerrod's condition worsened....The medic did all he could do, but...Jerrod passed away. I'm so sorry...."
Even though I was only seven, it was not until that moment that the reality of it hit me. I was dead. But how could it be? I was still here and among them, was I not? Even though I felt as if something was tugging at me, wishing to pull me away from there, I resisted. I felt as if I was not finished with this world. And I admit, I didn't want to leave all those that I loved.
After hearing the news, Mama stood shocked for a long moment, lightly shaking her head. But then she stood up straight, staring in towards the castle. "We have to inform everyone," she said, almost in a monotone. "We have to get started on the funeral. We'll need a casket -- a really nice casket...and the carvers should start on the wall piece in the mausoleum....oh, there's just so much we have to think about....and we have so little time."
My Uncle Sabin looked completely bewildered.
Mama turned to him very suddenly. "How's Edgar?"
Sabin shook his head. "I'll take you to him."
* * * * * *
There were no words between my Mama and my uncle as they walked back to my bedroom. Mama hesitated a moment, seeming not to want to enter. I was too young to think of whether it was because she didn't want to imagine my room without me in it, or because she felt my father would look so frightening. I remembered the look on his face as I left. And as we all re-entered, I noticed it hadn't changed. Father still sat in the chair, staring at my bed.
Mama saw him too, and hesitated.
"Edgar...." she called out lightly.
There was only silence. Not even that numb nodding.
She slowly walked over to him, and placed her arms around him. But he was still as motionless as stone. She looked up at my uncle, who stood in the doorway.
"He's in shock....I -- think I should stay...here..."
My uncle nodded. "You should. And don't worry about anything. I'll take care of everything for you. Don't worry."
She nodded, apparently grateful. "Thanks..."
My uncle remained a moment, looking back at Mama. "Are you going to be okay?" he asked her.
She nodded silently, letting on that she was. She went over to my desk, and sat before it.
As soon as my uncle left, Mama looked around the room. Her eyes settled on my many possessions. Some meant very little to me, but others would always remain in my heart. One of them was my stuffed chocobo, Cho Cho. Though I rarely played with him now, he had been my very first stuffed toy. I had had him for as long as I could remember. I felt a sense of strange nostalgia having him stare back at me from my bookcase, though I never knew the word back then. I saw Mama's eyes train on him. She stared at him a long moment. She rose, going to the bookshelf, and taking him down. She stroked the yellow, fuzzy fur, and stared off into space. She was probably thinking of the day I had received the gift from her as an infant.
I floated right up to her. "Mama, don't be sad...." I said. "I'm right here. I'll stay with you forever..."
But she couldn't hear me. I realized that nobody could hear or see me anymore. How could it be that I was still here among the living, yet be not there to them? It was confusing to me.
She quickly put Cho Cho back in his place and looked around nervously. She looked at father, and then towards the door.
"There's just so much to do....so much to do..." she muttered emotionlessly as she left. I decided to follow her for a short while.
She was stopped by Uncle Sabin and Aunt Yuli as she left.
"Terra, where are you going?" Yuli asked.
"There's just so much to do....so much to do..." she said again.
Sabin put his hands on her shoulder. "Hey, I told you I'd take care of everything. Really."
"No. There's too much to do. Just so much to do. We have to think of the coffin and flowers and the carver and...oh, there's just too much to do......" she said as she rushed off. I decided to let he go.
My aunt and uncle turned towards each other.
"I really did offer to help..." Uncle Sabin said. "I just don't know what else I can do. Should I go after her?"
"No. If it's better for her to keep busy, we should leave her to that."
"Are you sure?"
Aunt Yuli nodded.
Seeing my aunt and uncle made my thoughts turn to Carrina. Had anyone told her yet? How was she taking it?
"While you were waiting for Terra, I told Caitlin and Nala, and the other kids," my Aunt said, almost as if she could read my thoughts.
"What about Carrina?" my uncle asked.
"Her too," my aunt Yuli said. "She was very upset. She ran off here to her room. She's just sitting in there in the dark. Jerrod meant the world to her. I was going to go back in and talk to her. See if she has any questions."
"You think that will help?"
"It can't hurt, I suppose. This is a very confusing thing that she's going through. If I can at least help her try to sort it out, it will be good. Have you checked in on Nala and Caitlin?"
"Caitlin's asleep. I don't want to wake her up. And Nala wasn't in her room. I'll find her."
"Okay."
My aunt Yuli went into Carrina's bedroom and I followed her in. Carrina was sitting on her bed with her favourite bear in her arms.
My little cousin looked up at her mother, the sad eyes piercing me. I had never, ever wanted to hurt her. But those eyes...how could I help but not feel guilty for it?
"How are you feeling, Carrina?" Yuli asked.
"Sad," Carrina responded.
"Why?"
"Because the medic couldn't put Jerrod back together. And now he's gone."
"Jerrod was your best friend. I understand. It's okay to cry. We all do that when we're sad sometimes."
"Mama, is Mr. Fluff gonna die someday?" Carrina asked, regarding her bear.
"No. Mr. Fluff isn't alive. He's just fur and stuffing. He won't die."
"Are you alive?"
"Yes."
"Are you gonna die some day?"
Yuli nodded, probably deciding it was best to be honest. "Yes. All alive things die eventually. Sometimes it takes a short time. And sometimes it takes a long time."
"Are you a short time or a long time?"
"I hope it'll be a long time. But we can never know for sure."
"I don't want you to die, Mama..."
"Carrina....I don't want to scare you. Have I scared you?"
"No...I hope you're a long time, too."
I smiled. My young cousin seemed to be understanding better than anyone expected her to. But I wasn't surprised. She was a very bright little girl. I was sure Carrina would be alright. But then I thought of my sisters. Were they doing as well as little Carrina?
I found my littler sister, Caitlin, in the midst of a nap, not a care in the world. Aunt Yuli said she had been told. But even though she and Carrina were the same age, I had never been as close to her as I had been with Carrina. Four was not an age where children often thought of others. Caitlin probably just hadn't noticed the absence yet. But it wasn't really Caitlin I was worried about. Like Uncle Sabin, I sought out Nala. Something told me she wasn't doing too well. I found my uncle first so we could search for her together.
It was apparent my uncle Sabin was really at a loss. We had searched the castle quite thoroughly. Though I didn't know it then, I realized Nala was likely worst off because she knew what 'forever' meant. We searched her favourite places -- The Great Hall, the east courtyard -- but she hadn't chosen either of them.
But where we did find her was one that made sense, put into context. She had gone to the far end of the centre courtyard, the place where I had first fallen.
Apparently my uncle Sabin's moccasins still betrayed his heavy steps for she had known he was coming, even thought she hadn't turned to face him.
"It was because he fell, wasn't it?" she said, sounding a lot older than she was.
"The medic thinks so," he responded.
"Then it is my fault," Nala said.
"Your fault? Why?"
"He didn't want to play tag, but I made him. If only I hadn't pushed him into it -- he'd--"
"It was an accident. You didn't know."
"Father ordered us not to play that day. Especially Jerrod... but I made him!"
I thought, 'Oh, Nala...don't cry. It wasn't your fault. I'm the one who disobeyed father by not studying. Please, don't feel bad...' But once again, I knew nobody could hear me. I merely watched as Nala leaned forward and began crying into Uncle Sabin's chest. The whole world seemed to have been turned upside down. I didn't like it. I tried to think of a way to go back and just say, 'Hey, I'm not really dead. I'm here, and everything's going to be okay.' But I was also a child, and didn't understand such things fully. It wasn't as simple as that.
"I was so mad that he got that picture scope that I wanted him to die....but I didn't mean it! I didn't want him to really die!" she shouted. "This is all my fault! Everything's my fault!"
'Nala, it's not your fault,' I said over and over, and even though I knew she couldn't hear me, I felt I had to say it anyway. But she kept repeating and repeating it into my uncle's chest. My poor uncle looked so out of place, unsure of what to say. All he could do was hold her close, and give her a shoulder to cry on.
Eventually it was too much for me. I found myself floating back to my bedroom. A place I knew I didn't like, but that I somehow felt I had to be.
* * * * * *
I remember watching my father for hours. He just sat there, so silent, like in a daze. I had never seen him so quiet. I'd seen him thinking on his throne, but even when he was thinking it was somehow different than this.
Mama breezed in. "Edgar, what do you think about this design for the pillows? I think they would halo him so well, don't you think?"
My father finally lifted his head, and seemed to come back to himself. He looked up at Mama wearily.
His voice was low and quiet as he spoke his first words since falling into that silent stare. "Why did this have to happen? He was so full of life...and it was snuffed out like a candle. Why our son? He had so much going for him...He was brilliant...his eyes were so bright. Oh, Skies....Jerrod...This is all my fault," Edgar said. "I -- just couldn't stop it....I -- failed him...."
Mama was silent, simply because she couldn't find any words. But somehow the look in my father's eyes changed. An accusing glance. He glared at Mama as if he could kill someone. "You think I failed him, too...." he said, his tone implicating.
"I never said..."
"I can see it in your eyes! You think this is my fault!"
"I don't think that!"
"Don't lie to me, Terra!"
"I'm not lying!"
"Yes, perhaps you're right! Perhaps this is your fault! Here you are buzzing about the castle, only caring about the stupid funeral! Why are you so heartless?!"
"Heartless? I'm not heartless!"
"I don't understand how could you leave the castle when he was in so much pain..."
"I didn't know he was in that much pain. I only knew he was having headaches! I gave him some willow tea, and I thought it was helping..."
"Well, obviously not...you didn't even think of taking him to see the medic again, did you?"
"I didn't think...."
"Don't you love our son? How could you do this to him? You killed him!"
Mama was appalled. "How could you accuse me of such a thing!? I loved him, too!"
"Well, you certainly have a strange way of showing it..."
"I did! It's just that there's just so much to do! There are other things to worry about now...."
"Other things?! We've just lost our son! Doesn't that mean anything to you? How can you claim to love him when it was you that killed him!"
"I -- didn't mean...."
My father turned away from her. "I can't even look at you.... get out of my sight!"
My father fell silent, not turning to face Mama.
In all my life, I had never seen my parents raise voices to each other, much less hurl insults at each other. I was visibly shaken. I saw my hands were quaking. But my mama was trembling all over. My father stood rigidly, his back turned to her.
"How could you be so cruel....?" Mama spoke, choking on the words. She ran out of my room, tears in her eyes.
As soon as Mama was gone, my father also left the room. I chose to follow him.
* * * * * *
He went to the basement, around the first corner, and into his vast workshop. He hadn't been there in awhile because of his kingly duties. Or at least he had never been there when I was. He circled it once, then stopped at my workbench. He placed his hands on it, and looked at my current work, unfinished, on top of it. I heard my father sigh. He picked up a strange tool I had left beside it, and he put it to my invention. He added a couple more pieces, and then stepped back to observe it. He pressed the button I had designated as 'record'. He hummed a small piece of music, and then rewound my makeshift reel of magnetized strip. He pressed the 'play' button. I heard his humming repeat back, exactly as it had been recorded. I was amazed. My father had known what my machine would do all along, but had never said anything. I'm sure on New Year's he would have acted really surprised just to make me happy.
My father looked up to the sky, almost right at me, as if he could see me floating there just above him.
"Can't she see how much potential you had?" he said aloud. "How can she be so cold? Jerrod....my son, you were brilliant. The world has lost a great inventor...and a wonderful mind."
"Father....I...." I said, wanting to tell him not to hate Mama. Then I stopped myself, remembering I couldn't speak.
My father's eyes welled with tears, and he sobbed loudly, only the walls of the workshop hearing him. It was painful for me to watch. I didn't understand that crying was good for my father. Better than the shocked silence he had found earlier. I hated seeing everyone I loved in such pain over me. I chose to leave my father in peace. I felt Mama needed me. I searched many places, but eventually I found her in the council room, talking to the Chancellor.
"I think calla lilies will be best. And I've picked out these resting pillows. Please send someone to order them and get them here by the funeral. And since I'm pulling people away from their New Year's celebrations, we should be gracious and have a small banquet for everyone. I only wish we could leave it until after the holiday, but tomorrow is much too soon. I just have too much to do before then. And we can't leave him longer than two days."
"Are you certain you don't need help?" Chancellor asked.
"I'm certain."
"Have you gone down to see him? The medic said you are free to, and since you weren't here when--"
"I don't have time for that. I don't have time for that. I have too much to do. Please, just follow through with my requests."
"Well, alright."
"Good. Now I have to look into caskets. What do you think? Oak or pine?"
Even though I was young, I knew Mama was about to explode with emotions. She walked around in a numbed enthusiasm in keeping busy. As I followed her around awhile, I noticed that any lull in her tasks would leave her shaken and on the verge of tears. So she just kept going. It was obvious that my father's words had weighed heavily on her. What had begun as a numbed chant became muted enthusiasm for her duties.
As she looked over her checklist, she muttered, "He thinks I don't care. How can he say I don't care? I'm planning nothing but the best for you. You deserve the best, my son. I can't believe I married such a heartless man. He doesn't care about you like I do. He doesn't see I only want the best for you..."
Her words only served to frighten me. I chose to leave her, too.
I thought to myself as I floated away, "This isn't right. Mom and dad should be crying together. They shouldn't be crying at all. Why are they so mad at each other? Will they ever not be mad at each other again?"
I felt so guilty for everything. I could no longer stand it. I floated around the quieter areas of the castle, looking for a place to find solace in my own loneliness. I admit I was a scared child, wanting nothing but to be with people. But there was no one to be with that wasn't sad about my death. So I had no choice but to be alone. I sought comfort in the mausoleum. I had never really been there before. I had heard of the columns of names, the stacked graves that held the bones of my ancestors. One lonely carver was working on the place I supposed was meant for me. He had removed the stone plate that covered a new resting place above my grandfather, King Jaxon. The interior was only stone now, but soon the bottom would be lined with pillows, and I would be enterred there forever. My body would, anyway. A polished marble faceplate would bear my full name - 'Jerrod Michael Figaro' and the years I was alive here. I don't know how I found comfort being there, but I did.
I left there only for a few minutes, to check on my parents. I knew it was close to bedtime. I wondered if they had forgiven each other yet.
They were both in their room, but they said nothing to each other. They kept their backs turned to one another, and neither of them appeared ready to forgive the things that had been said. Mama was engaged in her checklist, and didn't even look up when my father crawled into bed. Wordlessly, Mama crawled in next to him, putting down her list for a moment. They lied there for a couple minutes. I thought I saw Mama begin to say something, but then she stopped herself.
There was a lot of tension in the air. I even felt it. Quickly my father rose, and pulled on his robe. He left the room. I felt disappointed. I didn't want my parents to break up on a count of me.
My mama merely sighed, and rolled over to try and sleep. She gave up and picked up her checklist again.
* * * * * *
I saw my father on my way back to the mausoleum. He had found his way into my bedroom, and had fallen asleep in my bed. I shook my head, and went back to my solace in the quiet graveyard of former Figaro royalty.
Another full day passed. I didn't want to see anyone, no matter how deep my concern for them. I was deeply disheartened about all of them, and I didn't think I could take any more sadness.
But I had never been very good for being able to stay in one place. That is what had gotten me into the mess in the first place. In many ways I blamed myself for all of it. If only I'd studied like my father had wanted me to, I would still be alive and with them. How I wanted to be with them, have everything back to normal. How I wanted to grow up, become king of Figaro, become a famous inventor... and have a son of my own one day. But because of my impatience, I had lost it all.
It was in one of my quick wanderings overnight that I found the preparations for my funeral service. It was planned for the next day. The white flowers had already been placed there, along with a beautiful pine coffin. I couldn't smell the two together, but I imagined it. I found it comforting there. So that was where I chose to stay until morning.
* * * * * *
I watched as the sun came up and filtered light into the room where the service would take place. It was not long afterwards that people began filing into the room. I saw many of my parents' friends from their Worldsavers days. There were others. Public officials, and people around the castle. There had been too short of notice for anyone else to arrive. I supposed none of their Worldsavers friends would be there if it wasn't for Setzer and his airship, which could easily whip around the world in a day.
I floated around the crowd. Mama's friends met her for condolences, and my father's met his, none of them questioning why mother and father weren't together. Maybe adults didn't notice things like that. Mama was acting more like a hostess than a grieving mother. I did sense her friends looking upon that with a little bit of apprehension.
Eventually everyone was seated and the ceremony began. The High Priestess said some words about my soul resting in Heaven, and I was reminded that for some reason I had yet to go there. I still wondered why.
Next began the speeches of friends and others around the castle. Most of them were pretty much the same...using words like 'tragic', 'terrible', 'horrible'. Describing how full of life I'd been. A life cut short.
"Who cares?" I thought. "I just want to be with you all again. Why can't I be with you all again?"
My father stepped up behind my coffin, seemingly unsure of what he was going to say, which was entirely unlike him. I suppose his mind had been so scrambled in those last couple days, that writing anything comprehensible was impossible.
"My son...was a brilliant mind. The world has lost a great inventor...he would have made so much of his life. I can't help thinking how much my son was like myself. I suppose that seems selfish, but who doesn't see a bit of themselves in their children? He had so much potential, and it's hard to see...." he wiped a small tear from his eye. "It's hard to see why he's been taken from us like this...." He paused, sniffling. "I apologize. I didn't plan anything to say, and this is....sort of hard..."
He looked off into the air. "I loved my son very much...It's just...it's so...I still can't believe....I'm sorry, I'm not very good at such things today..."
He stepped down, deciding on his own that he was still too distraught to continue.
Then my mother stood, even before my father had seated himself. Their eyes met, and I could feel the hatred in the glance. It sent a strange chill down my spine. Would my parents ever speak to one another again?
She walked slowly at first, but then she practically dashed to the front of the room.
"First of all, thank you all for putting your New Year's plans on hold to be here. I know many who wouldn't have bothered." She stood up straighter, and looked down at the speech she had prepared. "Jerrod..." she began, then paused. Her mouth hung open in mid-thought. She glanced down at me, her gaze quickly changing from confidence to distress. Quickly they snapped back onto the papers before her. "He was my beloved son...." She once again felt compelled to look at my body, lying there peacefully in the coffin. Her lips began quivering. She was speechless. Then I remembered that she hadn't seen my body yet. Not until that moment.
"He was....he was...." she stammered, fighting not to train her eyes on me, but it was a losing battle. She eventually settled on my form. "Oh, Jerrod, I'm so sorry...." she began anew, not reading off of her paper. "I wasn't even here for you when you needed me. I heard you called out for me... I'm sorry....I'm so sorry...I'm sorry I didn't take you to the medic for your headaches. I should have taken them more seriously....I'm so sorry....I've been a terrible mother...But I still love you. Your father doesn't think I love you. How can he say that? How can he say that? I love you, I love you so much..."
She was sobbing almost uncontrollably now, choking on her words, hiccuping violently. I saw Uncle Sabin rise to help her, but aunt Yuli held him back. I didn't understand why my aunt did that. I didn't want to see my mother cry anymore. I went over to her, placing my arms around her.
"I love you too, Mama..." I said quietly, whispering in her ear. "You're not a bad mother. Don't say that..." But she didn't hear me. She looked up at the crowd, helpless, hopeless. She looked back at me, then reached over to brush a stray piece of hair from my face.
"You're so precious....my little son...my little boy..."
She put her head down on my chest. She was mumbling softly now. "I don't want you to be dead....I don't want you to be dead..."
Suddenly my father rose, going over to her gently.
"Terra...." he said.
"I don't want you to be dead..."
"Terra...." he said, a little more firmly.
"Please, don't let them take him away...please..." she said, not looking up, and not letting go.
"Let's go back to our seats..." he said, putting his hands on her shoulders. She started, and then stood.
I noticed as their eyes met that his were not filled with hatred. Now it was something quite different, though I couldn't place it. But it didn't seem bad.
"Don't make me leave him..."
"He's gone....he's left us..."
She shook her head in disbelief. "No....no...."
She bent back down over me, running her hands down one of my cheeks, her tears dropping onto the shirt they had put me in. She reached over and kissed me on the forehead.
"Goodbye, Jerrod....goodbye...." she whispered, not loud enough for anyone but my father to hear.
Then she stood, and went back to her seat, across the room from my father's place.
He looked back at her a moment, then took his own.
I thought, "Mama....father....please, see that you both love me...and that you love each other..."
The Head Priestess stepped before everyone again.
"May Jerrod rest in peace in the kingdom of Heaven among the angels and with our Great Father. Amen."
The funeral was over. People stood and began to filter out of the room.
My cousins stood closest to me. I watched Carrina carefully. She sucked on her bear's ear. Aunt Yuli stooped to be eye level with her.
"Are you okay, Carrina?" she asked.
Carrina nodded her head. "Jerrod loved me. Just like you and daddy love me. And you'n daddy would never hurt me 'cause you meant to," she responded assuredly. Her words were like music for me.
But then she ran off quietly, ignoring the calls of her parents. I heard my uncle whisper to my aunt, "She's going to still be upset for awhile. What should we do?"
"Leave her be. It's best to let people sort out their feelings on their own when this happens. And everyone does it differently, and at different speeds. Now that it's finally hit Terra, I sense she's going to be okay, too. In time."
My uncle paused, looking at his wife questioningly. "How did you come to learn so much about this, anyway?"
"After my uncle Emil died, I read a lot of books on death to try and sort out my feelings. A lot of it was really unconventional stuff, but I really learned a lot from them. That was my way of dealing with my grief."
"I see. You never told me that before."
"I didn't ever think it was important enough to mention. It is sorta personal, after all. But I don't mind telling you."
"I hope not."
I drifted away from that conversation, and went to others. Usually very small, saying how tragic it was, and how sad for my parents. I heard condolences from friends going to my parents, most of which were responded to simply with a nod.
Mama's best friend, Celes, approached her, and simply held her. I felt Mama needed that. I thought it was a nice gesture. Celes had lost a daughter once, too, so she could understand.
But one by one the guests left, and the room fell silent. The only one who remained was me and Nala. For some reason, she could only sit and stare at the coffin. She slowly stood and went up to the box. She looked inside cautiously. She gasped a little bit, perhaps not expecting to see me look so pale. But she soon gained her nerve.
"I'm sorry, Jerrod. I didn't mean to say all those mean things about you. And I don't really want your picture scope. I'm sorry I said I wanted you to be dead. I didn't mean it, either."
"I know you didn't," I said. "And it's okay. Brothers and sisters are supposed to fight, right?"
She stared at my body a long moment before she went on.
"And I love you too, Jerrod. I'll miss you, too."
She sniffled once, and left quickly. Somehow I sensed she was feeling a little better. And that was good enough for me.
For the first time, I felt a tugging at my soul's cloak, but I ignored the call for a short time. There were still a couple more concerns I had to check on.
* * * * * *
Carrina was obviously still sad. But of everyone I loved, I still sensed she would be okay. She preferred to be alone. She sat in her room in the dim lantern light, back to the door. She was probably trying to come to terms with what 'forever' meant. But she was still so young. It would take awhile for her to figure it out. But she would have to learn the hard way.
As I watched her, something unexpected happened. Tyon Cole, the little boy with the enormous crush on Nala, walked into Carrina's room. Carrina had never paid much attention to Tyon -- he was so shy that he barely spoke to anyone but Nala. Jerrod admitted that he didn't even truly know the boy all that well.
Tyon approached Carrina, stopping within two feet of where she sat. He looked her up and down once, settling on her eyes.
"I'm sorry about Jerrod," he said frankly. "You and him were friends. I'd be sad if I lost a friend, too."
Tyon held out a white flower like the ones at my service. He had probably taken one from there.
"I picked it to make you feel better."
She looked at it a moment, then accepted the gift.
"Thank you," she said.
"Do you feel better?" he asked hopefully.
I saw that she was thinking about it. The sad look in her eyes faded ever so slightly as her young mind processed everything.
"Yeah," she responded.
"Good. I wanted you to feel better. So, you wanna play hide and seek?"
"Yeah!" she shouted, rising quickly.
I smiled in spite of myself as my cousin and Tyon ran out of the room together.
"It's just like you, Carrina. You get whacked and you get right back up again," I said. "I hope you and Tyon stay friends forever."
I wandered off to my parents' bedroom, not knowing what to expect. Mama was there, sitting before her vanity, staring at her face. It was as if she realized how horrible she looked. It's not that she wasn't pretty -- I had always thought that, but she looked kinda like a zombie -- her eyes all dark. I guessed that she hadn't been sleeping well. Her forced enthusiasm earlier had hidden a lot of it, but now it was perfectly clear.
She sat up rigid when she saw my father enter. She could see his reflection in the mirror.
There was a long pause between them. She swiveled around to face him.
"Hello," my father spoke.
"Hi," Mama said quietly, awkwardly.
He took a step closer.
"What you said was....rather dramatic...."
"I....I've made a fool of myself..." she said.
"Nonsense," he said. "Are you alright?"
She didn't answer. She looked up at him. There was another long pause as the two looked at each other.
"I'm sorry," Mama finally said.
"No. You have nothing to be sorry about. Here I am blaming you for things you never had power over. I've been a jerk, and I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?"
"You don't think....you don't think I killed him?"
"No. I know you didn't. I was just....I was just looking for someone to blame other than myself."
"You blame yourself?"
He sighed. "I was so busy. But I should have been by his side. If I had been, it never would have happened..."
"We can't blame one another. And we can't blame ourselves."
"Then who can we blame?"
They were silent. Neither of them seemed to have an answer.
"I forgive you...." Mama said. "If you can forgive me."
"I forgive you...if you can forgive me, too."
"Then I guess that settles it."
They were silent again. Then Mama held out her arms and walked towards him. He accepted her arms around him, and he put his around her.
"It already feels less painful....knowing you're here with me..." Father said.
"We should cry together. Not apart." She held him tighter, tears flowing from her eyes. "The castle will seem so empty without him."
My father's eyes were full of tears again, as well. "And I'll always love him," he said.
"We'll always love him."
"Yes. We will."
I realized at that moment that everything would finally be alright. Even thought my family and I would all have to be apart for awhile, it was meant to be this way.
"Goodbye, everybody," I whispered, then finally continued on into the Lifestream. It's where I've been ever since. I'm happy here. And I sense my family is doing well, too. I know that even now, those I left behind have carried grief and guilt over my death around with them. But they're all pretty much okay. And I really do love them all. So now I wait patiently for the day that we can all be together again here. It's only a matter of time. This time, I don't mind waiting.
ONWARD...
Edgar, Terra, Sabin, Celes, Setzer and Locke are (c) 2000 by Square. Everyone else is (c) 2000 by me. The world and all of the stuff from Final Fantasy is also (c) 2000 Square. This was intended to be a fan fiction, so obviously no profit has or ever will be obtained from this story.