AN: While writing You've Got the Love I felt this primal urge to kill off Anders, but I stuck to the plot and decided to write this story. So you don't get too confused, each chapter will start out with a flashback of before he died. WARNING SPOILERS! Rated M for later. I do not own the rights to Dragon Age or any of its characters, I'm just a fan-girl. :)
Update 9/12/11 – I have not abandoned this! I've just been so busy since I got home from school, but I'll be heading back next week so I hope updates will come more often. I'm planning on having 5 or 6 chapters, pretty short. So, I've read through the two that are currently posted and fixed more spelling stuff so I could start working on chapter 3. Hopefully I'll have it up in a week or two (I have a ton of packing to do this week). Happy reading!
It was late by the time Hawke entered the clinic, hoping he was done with his patients for the day. The smell of salves and poultices filled her nostrils as she smiled. Anders was knelt over a bowl of milk in the corner of the room, again.
"Are there really cats around, Anders? I have yet to see one."
The mage stood and turned around, a smile spread across his face when he looked into hers. "Perhaps, but I'm beginning to think that the refugees have scared them all off. Or maybe eaten them. Either way, I miss having a cat around." He walked over and sat down at his desk. "So what brings you down here this late?"
Hawke leaned back against the desk, still smiling. "It's the New Year and a bunch of us were going to meet up at the Hanged Man to start off next year off right; wasted out of our minds. Would you care to join us?"
Anders let out a small chuckle as he shook his head, "I don't think that's a good idea."
Hawke tried to pout, but the mage's laughter made it impossible. "Why not?"
"Well," he leaned back in his chair, "because the last time I let you guys get me drunk Isabela tried to rape me!"
"Oh yeah. That was pretty funny."
"Not to me. Maker knows what the woman has caught from her many encounters."
"Well, I'll just have to make sure she can't get her legs wrapped around you."
"Yeah? And how's that?"
Hawke jumped up on the desk, straddling Anders' chair with her feet on the arm rests. Part of her was disappointed she hadn't changed into skirt before she went to Darktown. "She won't have room with mine securely clenched at your waist."
Anders let his chair lean back forward as his smile dropped from his face. "That's not funny."
"Who said it was supposed to be?" she widened her grin and lust filled her eyes.
"Hawke, we've talked about this." He tried to get up but Hawke pushed him back down.
"No, you've talked about this while I quietly sat back and listened. But I'm done listening." She got down off the desk and climbed onto his lap, still straddling him. "Now you need to listen to me."
Anders audibly gulped, trying to keep his brown eyes on her green ones instead of the low neck shirt that was threatening to spill open.
The rogue cupped his face in her hands as her smile disappeared as well. "Anders," her voice became serious and intent. "I know you think you will hurt me, but you're hurting me more now by cutting me off than you ever could if we are together. I love you." She leaned down and softly pressed her lips to his. After a moment of shock, Anders snaked his arms around her waist. His tongue begged for access into her, which she promptly allowed.
They spent several minutes exploring each others mouths before Hawke pulled back for air. As she went back in for another kiss, Anders whispered, "I love you." The rogue paused. "I was afraid to say it and I'm sorry. I can't give you a normal life. Who knows how much time we will actually have together, but I want to spend that time with you."
Hawke smiled and got off of him. "Come on," she said holding out a hand to him. "I want to show off to everyone that you're mine."
He stood and took her had as they made their way to the Hanged Man though the celebrating crowds.
Hawke awoke with a start. She slid her hand over on the bed only to find it empty. I keep forgetting it wasn't a dream. A jolt came to her stomach as she jumped from her bed, reaching for her chamber pot. Hot liquid spilled from her as she retched on the floor.
Bodahn heard her from the front room and came running to her side. "Lady Hawke! Are you okay? Should I call a doctor?" He sat on the floor next to her and held back her hair as she continued to heave.
"No Bodahn—I will—be fine—in a couple minutes." She managed to say between mouthfuls. When her stomach was finally empty, she sat up and grabbed a bottle of mead from her nightstand. "See? All better." The rogue uncorked the bottle and took her first swig of the day. "Go ahead and go back to what you were doing. I need to get dressed."
"Yes miss," the dwarf stood and walked to the door before turning back to face the Champion. "Should I bring your breakfast up here or set up the table?"
"No breakfast today. But thank you." Hawke stood, walking over to her wardrobe to find some clothes.
"But you haven't eaten here in several days. I'm not sure you're eating enough."
"I'll eat at the Hanged Man later. I'm eating plenty." She lied. "Really Bodahn, you worry too much." The rogue pulled out an outfit and laid it out on her bed.
"Yes, Lady Hawke. I'm sorry" The dwarf closed the door behind him and headed down to the kitchen.
Hawke sighed, looking at the door for a moment before turning back to her clothes. She slipped out of her night shirt, pulling on a clean set of underclothes with a white button up shirt and tight black breaches over them. Her blue corset snapped and her knee high boots slid on. The rogue moved over to her weapon stand and hooked her favorite twin blades to her back.
She looked herself over in the mirror as she combed out the knots in her hair. Damn, I could give Isabela a run for her money. Why haven't I worn this outfit before? She stopped brushing and remembered. Oh yea, Anders. Once she had him there was no need to dress up for attention. Hawke set her brush back down on her vanity and pushed a fake smile on her face before leaving for the pub.
Hawke was still at the Hanged Man late that night. The first couple days after he had died she didn't leave her bed. Finally, Isabela drug her out of her house and down to the Hanged Man to comfort her friend the only way the pirate knew how: by getting smashed. The two women drank all day and late into the night before Isabela went to bed, leaving the Champion to make her way home alone. But before going back to Hightown, Hawke went home with one of the other bar patrons. Anders had been the only man to touch her in a long time and the physical contact helped her forget for a couple hours. Now she was making it a habit, drinking all day and sleeping with the other drunkards before going home to bed, only to repeat the process again the next day.
"Hawke, you need to go home." Varric stood next to her barstool as she hit on yet another one of Lowtown's lowlife.
"Leave me alone Varric. We'll be leaving in a minute." She turned back to the rough looking man getting drunk beside her and gave him a lustful smile.
Varric walked around her and faced the man. "Get out of here. She's not interested."
The man looked down at the dwarf with a dangerous smile. "You need to mind your own business." He pulled a dagger out from inside his leather vest. "I think the lady can decide what she wants."
Varric grabbed the man's arm and pulled him to the ground in a headlock while twisting his armed arm back behind him. The man yelped and dropped the dagger. "Now, are you ready to leave the nice lady alone?" The dwarf whispered in his ear and the roughen nodded eagerly. "Good." Varric let him go. "Now get out of here." He growled. The man got up and ran out the door.
Varric turned back to Hawke. She was still sitting at her barstool, sipping her whisky like nothing happened. "Come on." He grabbed her arm and pulled her from her seat.
"Varric, what the hell?" she tried to struggle away from him but was too drunk to do anything substantial as the dwarf pulled her up the stairs to his suite.
"If I can't trust you to leave alone then you're staying here." He slammed the door behind them and pushed Hawke on to his bed. "Now you're going to talk to me. You haven't said much about what happened this last week, but you need to talk about it."
Hawke shook her head and slurred, "I'm fine Varric. There's nothing to talk about." She tried to get up, only to be pushed back down by the dwarf.
"Stop it, Hawke. I know he's gone, but you can't drink yourself into oblivion. What would he say if he saw you like this?" The Champion looked down at her wringing hands. Varric watched her shoulders begin to shake in silent sobs. He wrapped his arms around her frame in a tight hug. "It's alright. Come on, lets lay you down." She nodded as they moved up to his pillows. Hawke laid her head on his chest as her cried became loud. Wrapping his arms back around her, the dwarf ran his fingers through her dirty blond hair. "Talk it out with me."
After several minutes, she had calmed enough to speak, "I feel like a part of me died with him. He was everything I had." A sob overtook her for a moment before she could continue. "We were talking about running away to the Anderfels. We could find the town his parents were from and start a family. He wanted to leave after the issue with the mages and templars was worked out. But now-" Hawke was unable to finish as she broke back down into heavy sobs.
"Shhh. I know it hurts and I know that Anders was important to you. Blondie would come here when you were out caravanning around the Free Marches and go on for hours about how he felt for you. But you gotta hold on. Everything will be okay."
"I don't know if I can, Varric."
"Nonsense! It's hard now, but it will get easier over time. And someday you will find another man who will help you dull the pain completely and you'll want to spend the rest of your life with him."
Hawke sat up, looking Varric in the eye. Her face red and puffy, her hair a damp mess sticking to her cheeks. "Do you really think so?"
Varric smiled at her. "Of course I do. Any man would be lucky to have you."
The rogue thought for a moment before moving in closer to her friend. She pushed their lips together, forcing her tongue into the dwarf's mouth. "Hawke, stop." She didn't stop and instead climbed on top of his bulky frame. "Hawke, seriously. Stop." Hawke pushed her hands up the front of Varric's shirt before he roughly pushed her off him, saying, "Hawke! Stop! What are you doing?" as she fell over the side of the bed onto the wooden floor.
Hawke sat on the floor for a moment as they stared at each other. When it hit her just what she had been doing her face went even pinker in embarrassment. The Champion jumped off the floor and ran out the door, not stopping when Varric called out for her. She leapt down the stairs in a single bound and was quickly outside the pub.
"Hey, there you are." The Champion turned to see the rough man leaning against a nearby wall eyeing her frame. "I was beginning to think you weren't coming out. You still want to go somewhere?"
Hawke heard Varric calling again from inside the Hanged Man before answering. "Let's get out of here."
The man grinned at her before taking her hand. They quickly disappeared into the shadows of Lowtown.