A/N So... You guys... Hi. I feel a little awkward posting this... I know a lot of you, (more than Rocky Horror,) are religious... And... Homosexuality is apparently a sin. So... Today (Cotober 11) is national coming out day, so, if this offends you... Don't read it. I proudly support our LGBT brothers and sisters, (And everyone in between!) and I'm not ashamed of it. Even though I almost got sent to in-school suspension for wearing a pride bow.
Anyway, this is dedicated to a friend, whose father took his life last night. So, Megan, or, I guess, Meghan, he's your uncle too, if you're reading this, I hope your family is better soon, but I know you can't recover quickly from something like this. I'm here for both of you... Meghan can tell you who I am.
I played with the bracelet on my wrist again. "You're over-reacting Cece." I glared at Flynn, who had come out of his room for more food. "She won't care."
I looked up at him. "And you know that how?" He laughed, like this was nothing to be worried about. I wasn't sure if he had met our mom.
"Cause... Well, it's Mom!" He laughed, getting some more chips. "She loves us no matter what. Sure, she really, really, really, really-" My glare cut him off. "Erm, she dislikes us sometimes... But she has to love us." He finished getting the chips. "And Cece... You know Rocky came out today too? Hmm... I wonder what's going on with her?" He laughed, and I gulped.
He couldn't of known... I have been playing that song a lot though. I giggled, humming it. I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick, I kissed a girl just to try it- "Hi!"
I jumped as Mom came in. "Hey, Mom. Could I... Talk to you?" She nodded.
"Can I pee?" I nodded, and she ran to the bathroom. I fiddled with the pride bracelet again. "Okay, honey, what do you want to talk about?" She plopped down on the chair, and I stood up.
"Mom... I really need to talk to you... It's really important..." She propped herself on the front of the chair, concerned. "I just... Don't know what to say. I'm... I'm gay. I'm a lesbian." She started laughing hysterically. "What... What are you-"
"Cece, you said this was important. I thought you had been robbed or something." My jaw dropped as she doubled over in laughter. "I'm just glad you've finally come out. I mean, I knew. Anyone who had met you knew honey." She hugged me, still laughing. "So, who is it? Is it that one dancer with the..." She touched her collar bone, and made a half circle to the middle of her ribs.
"No..."' I sighed. "It's uh... It's Rocky." Mom froze.
"Really?" I nodded, biting my lip. "I'm just going to... Step out for a moment." I nodded, tears in my eyes, as she grabbed her belt off the rack. She left, slamming the door, and I heard her stomp off.
"Wow." I looked over at Flynn, and he was blurry from the tears. "That wasn't as good as I expected."
"It was better than what I did." He huffed, walking over to me.
"There... There." He placed his hand awkwardly on my back. "It's... Alright." I hugged him, and cried. "Okay... It's time to let go now." I snorted, as he slipped out of my arms. I grabbed a tissue from the kitchen, blew my nose, washed my hands, and heated up a TV dinner. I slammed it down, still half frozen, on the coffee table, and turned on the television. I streamed YouTube, and put my Bowie playlist up. Tinka called halfway through Changes, and I paused it.
"What?" I hissed.
"Ooh, looks like a certain lesbian has a temper..." She laughed, rudely. "I mean, we all saw it coming. I mean, there's a certain point from liking someone to wanting to sleep with them." She laughed. "And that weird obsession with David Bowie..." I crossed my legs, self conscious of the playlist sitting in front of me. "It was coming from somewhere." She laughed again, completely uncaring.
"What do you want?" Tinka chuckled.
"I simply wanted to know how you are doing. You don't seem happy." I was silent. "Alright. I'm calling you because Rocky won't answer my text messages. So, Gary said that you guys don't have to come to rehearsals, but you have to do that one thing on the show... He said if not, Gunther and I can do it. We only want what's best for you two!"
"Tinka, you and Gunther just want the segment so you'll get more cash." Tinka laughed again, and I sighed.
"You're a smart, smart girl." I huffed. "So, just call me." I didn't hang up. "You're still on the phone."
"I kind of wanted to talk-" I heard the dial tone. "Thanks, Tinka." I grabbed my fork, and scooped some noodles in my mouth. I clicked play again, and listened to the rest of Changes, Moonage Daydream, All The Young Dudes, Ziggy Stardust, Young Americans, and Life on Mars, before Flynn came out of his room.
"Bye Cece, going to Henry's." I nodded, letting him walk out the door.
I shoveled more pasta into my mouth, and fell asleep. "Cece!" I shot up as Mom laughed, a bottle of something strong near my face, and more of it on her breath. "Where's Flynn?"
I got up, seeing the guy she brought home. "He left. Didn't want to deal you you bringing some random guy home!"
"Listen, missy. Don't talk to me like that. Brian... Brian, tell him what you told me at the bar." He laughed, stepping up.
"I told her, that uh... That..." He laughed. "Oh, yeah. All those fags and dykes should burn in hell."
"And those creepy men dressed as women. Of course, Cece, you like David Bowie, right?" She laughed as I stormed into my room. I cried on my bed, for at least ten minutes, while I could hear everything through the thin walls. I sighed, walking over to my vanity. Should I do it? I pulled the drawer out, feeling around, and I slid the compartment over. I put the drawer back in, and opened the other.
It was untouched, like I left it. I scooted around the things. A bottle of Tlylonal, a bottle of liquor, an old mp3 player, and a pad and pencil. I couldn't do it though... I'd wanted to, many times before. But I couldn't... My head pounded, listening to them through the thin walls. I ripped a sheet of paper off the pad, grabbed the pen, and started writing.
Mom. It's Cece. Don't let Flynn go in the bathroom. You can kind of see where this is going, can't you? That's right. Hell, at least I left a note.
So, today is National Coming Out Day.
I came out as a lesbian, and everything was fine. Until I told you who it was. I said Rocky, and you left with your belt you keep the gun in. I was so afriad you were going to kill her or something. But, no. You came home with a guy who said the fags and the dykes should burn in hell. And you fucking agreed. I don't , now, you're screwing him...
You brought a guy home who didn't have anything nice to say about LGBT people, and now you are... Making loud noises through the thin walls. So, Mom, what have we learned here today?
If Flynn comes out, don't bring a guy home. Or he'll kill himself.
I leave all of my possetions to Rocky and Flynn. They can ration it out. Mom, you get nothing. You don't diserve anything.
So, now I'm sitting here on my bed. I remember that one thing going around online last year... People were saying what they want their last meal to be, and someone suggested they do music. Final Coundown was a classic, I mean, come on. You know the world is going to end at the end of this song, wouldn't you want it to be Final Countdown? That or September, by Earth, Wind, and Fire. Doesn't that song put you in a good mood?
I forgot this was a suicide note there, for a moment. Another popular song was Comfortably Numb, by Pink Floyd. I think I spelled that right... Right?
Why was it so popular? I don't know. The lyrics leave you chilled, and thinking.
Hello, is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me... is there anybody home?
I hear you're feeling down. I can ease your pain, get you on your feet again.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Have become comfortably numb.
Ect. ect... So, you get the point? Listen to it, Mom. You'll like it.
A suggestion I had was Rebel Rebel, by David Bowie, and it was... Fairly liked. Somewhat.
Eh, you take what you can get. I think I'm going to listen to that.
I stared at the sheet of paper, with my tears on it. I folded it in half, wrote "Mom" on the top, grabbed the pills, mp3 player, and the liquor, and headed to the bathroom after shutting the drawer, and placing the note on my dresser.
I downed a good amount before I started feeling... Strange. I plugged in the headphones, and found the song. Taking my last drink, I slipped into the tub. No water, I just didn't want to make noise.
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo
Youve got your mother in a whirl
Shes not sure if you're a boy or a girl
Hey babe, your hairs alright
Hey babe, lets go out tonight
You like me, and I like it all
We like dancing and we look divine
You love bands when they're playing hard
You want more and you want it fast
They put you down, they say Im wrong
You tacky thing, you put them on
Rebel rebel, youve torn your dress
Rebel rebel, your face is a mess
Rebel rebel, how could they know?
Hot tramp, I love you so!
Don't ya?
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo
Youve got your mother in a whirl cause shes
Not sure if you're a boy or a girl
Hey babe, your hairs alright
Hey babe, lets stay out tonight
You like me, and I like it all
We like dancing and we look divine
You love bands when they're playing hard
You want more and you want it fast
They put you down, they say Im wrong
You tacky thing, you put them on
Rebel rebel, youve torn your dress
Rebel rebel, your face is a mess
Rebel rebel, how could they know?
Hot tramp, I love you so!
Don't ya?
Oh?
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo
Rebel rebel, youve torn your dress
Rebel rebel, your face is a mess
Rebel rebel, how could they know?
Hot tramp, I love you so!
Youve torn your dress, your face is a mess
You can't get enough, but enough aint the test
Youve got your transmission and your live wire
You got your cue line and a handful of ludes
You wanna be there when they count up the dudes
And I love your dress
Youre a juvenile success
Because your face is a mess
So how could they know?
I said, how could they know?
And I slipped into nothingness.
Ow... The bright light was killing me. This is the worst hangover I've had yet. I stiffened. This wasn't a hangover.
"Am I dead?" I couldn't form the words, my throat was so dry. I sighed.
That's a yes. I'm dead. I'm dead. Oh, god, I'm dead. Do I have to capitalize that now? It seems like He would like me to...
"How is she?" I stiffened again. Are they dead too?
"I think she moved." It was Mom. Was she dead too?
"That's great." I opened my eyes, but I closed them, because it almost burned.
"Cece?" I heard Rocky's voice, and someone sitting down next to me. "Cece?" I felt her cool hands on my forehead. "Cece, are you okay?" I opened my eyes again, and her head was blocking the light. She grinned. "Can she sit up?" I didn't see what the nurse did, but she helped me sit up. "Cece?" I could start to make out the room better. Rocky, a tube thing in my arm, something on my face, and my mom in a chair by the curtain, with her head in her hands, crying or laughing. I couldn't tell which.
"Rocky?" My voice was a horrible noise, and they gave me water. "Rocky?" She nodded, crying herself, and hugged me. "What... Happened? Who found me?"
"Flynn." I gasped.
"But... I said in the note that he shouldn't go in the bathroom!" Rocky nodded.
"Your mother was still asleep when he came home." Rocky bent down toward my ear. "He hid that bottle." I gasped. I had forgotten about that. "Yeah." She kissed my cheek, and pulled away. "He's at Gunther and Tinka's, eating all of their weird food. I can call him here, if you want." I nodded.
"Could you?" Rocky nodded, stepping out for the phone call.
"Elizabeth?" The nurse looked at Mom. "Could we have a..." She nodded, and stepped out. Mom got closer to my bed, and sat down cautiously. "How... How are you?"
I crossed my arms. "I'm fine. I think my point came through very clearly."
Her voice was hoarse. "Cece! You tried to kill yourself!" I nodded. "Honey..."
"You read the note?" She nodded. "Then you know why."
"I was drunk!" I glared coldly at her.
"You brought that guy home... He said that to me on the most emotional day of my life. And you let him." She nodded, with tears in her eyes. "What do you care? You obviously don't care."
"Cece!" Her voice cracked. "I'll always care! I don't care if you love a woman, a man, an animal, hell! I wouldn't mind if you loved Gunther or Tinka! All that matters to me is that YOU'RE happy. I don't have to be. I'm happy if you are."
"You don't seem that way." She hugged me, crying.
"I'm very happy. Rocky's mother and I talked. We weren't that thrilled at first, but at least we know that you guys are really good together." I smiled. We were... We still are.
"Knock knock?" I rolled my eyes as Mom said Tinka could come in. "Hi." Tinka smiled at me as she softly came in the room with Flynn. "How are you?" I nodded.
"I'll leave the room for you girls to... Talk. Come on Flynn." Mom dragged him out, and I waved at him.
"I'm fine." Tinka placed the sparkly giftbag on the table, and walked closer to me.
"Are... Are you sure?" I nodded. She crouched down beside my bed, and took my hand. "I don't think so."
"I am." She raised her eyebrows.
"I feel..." She sighed, readjusting herself. "I feel a little concerned about you. I was... I hung up on you, when you wanted to talk."
"I'm fine, I don't blame you at all. I was fine, before my mother brought that guy home." She nodded, rubbing the back of my hand. "I'm sure." I grinned as much as I could behind that tube.
"Good." she kissed my cheek, getting up. "You want to see what Gunther and I got you?" I nodded, a little reluctant. "So, we were thinking, and rainbow is LGBT, right?" I groaned. "So..." She ran over and got the gift bag. "We have a be-sparkled bow, a be-sparkled flag, a shirt, some high-tops, another shirt, a hat, a tie, a bracelet, a clock-"
"Tinka, is that my alarm clock?" She nodded.
"We thought it was plain, being just red." She ran her fingers over the jeweled surface, and laughed. "Much better now."
"Yes." I laughed again, and Rocky peeked her head in the door.
"We also have this other hat, a box, and a-" Rocky snatched the gloves out of her hand.
"These are mine!" She shoved me playfully.
"I'm so sorry." she glared at me, playfully. I used the most sarcastic voice I could muster. "Can I borrow your gloves?" She laughed, tossing them down on the sparkly rainbow pile that was forming out of Tinka's never ending gift bag.
DIVIDER
READ THIS READERS, AND BOOK MARK.
Okay, so. Pm the fuck out of me if you even CONSIDER suicide. I spent a week in a facility for... Reasons, I would rather not say where everyone can read. But, I'm going to put all of the hotlines.
National Suicide Hotline (USA): 1-800-273-8255
STD Hotline: 1-800-227-8922
National Child Abuse Hotline: (800)-422-4453
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: (800)-799-7233
Poison Control (USA) THIS ONE IS REALLY USEFULL: (800)-222-1222
Planned Parenthood Hotline: (800)-230-PLAN (7526)
National Hotline For Missing And Exploited Children: (800)-843-5678
Alcohol and Drug Abuse Hotline: 1-800-729-6686
Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention: (800)-931-2237
And then, LGBT.
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Support Hotline: 1-888-843-4564
GLBT Youth Talkline: 1-800-246-PRIDE (7743)
So, if you ever feel you need to use one of these, don't hesitate, CALL THEM. Please, for all things sane, call and talk to them. There's always someone out there to talk to you. There's always someone there for support. I'm here. If I don't message you back right away, it's because my wifi is off, or I'm at school. Usually, I'm here from 4 pm to 9 pm week-daily.
I love you guys. You're awesome! I don't care if you like men, women, nothing, if you're fat, underweight, weak, strong, tall, short, or... Anything. Be nice to me, and I'll be nice back.
This is, sadly, a very strong issue. Roughly 36% of LGBT youth grades 9-12 have attempted suicide, and as many as one in three LGBT youth have attempted suicide. Gay and lesbian youth are two to three more times likely to attempt suicide. Roughly 33% of transgender youth have attempted suicide, 55% have reported to being attacked, 74% to be sexually harassed at school, and 90% reported feeling unsafe due to their gender expression. That's a lot.
A whole fucking lot. What can you do to help? Look up "How to make a GSA in my school", and you should get the answer. This little gesture can mean the world to someone. :)