Things change, that's just how life is but you never realized until the change was right in front of you. She had changed. Maybe you had changed too but over time watching her, you knew something had changed. She was your best friend which meant you knew everything about her whether you liked it or not. It wasn't just the main facts favorite color, my mother's name is, I love Ham thing. It was the "I'm not going to cry in front of the whole student body" look or the "I know you're ignoring me on purpose" tone. It was inevitable. Both of you spent every minute with each other. You knew each other, you just did. It was like a habit, a cycle, something you just couldn't break, and something you would just grow to know. It was fine. You were fine with it and you assumed she was too. Until.
She had broken the cycle. She had started to change things. And suddenly, you didn't understand. Neither could you grasp what was going on. She was hiding something, something she would refuse to tell you. This was wrong. You shared everything. What was so bad that she would hide it from you? You try to thing back to when it all started.
You find yourself, lying in your bed, thinking about her. Trying to remember when things had started to change. Your mind strays off the English assignment you have to hand in tomorrow and towards her. There she stood in the middle of your thoughts. Your best friend, being well, your best friend. Her blonde hair swishing as she twisted her head, her face fixed with a glare. She was just special like that. Her body was tight and fit, fine. It was arguably perfect. She was strong. Your best friend was strong. Strong to everyone but you. Over all these years, you watched her. You saw her cry, tears red, shaking and vulnerable just like everyone else. You saw her heart-broken. She was mad, sad, unhappy, unstable. You saw her at her worst, how she was at night, sleeping as she tossed and turned. Your best friend could fool everyone. Everyone but you.
It had started weeks ago. Way back. She was happy. Happy with Freddie. You were happy for them even if you would never admit, you had felt a painful stab when you realized they were perfect. Freddie's birthday was coming up. They would spend time together, and you would again spend another lonely weekend at home. You knew this. This is what you expected. You would hear rants and raves all about it, before and after it actually happened. That's just how it was. That's just how she was.
It had been cold. You were shivering in just your T-Shirt and jeans. The wind was blowing your hair and you couldn't see a thing. You had stood there shivering, holding your arms together desperately trying to keep in some heat. She was sensible. She had a jacket. You remember, she was smiling at your pathetic attempt to stay warm. Of course it was pathetic. Sun does not always mean warmth, especially in March.
"Come here you dork" she had said. Or at least, that's what your mind tells you. You had walked over. She had her arms out, ready for a hug. Except…it seemed different. Usually, you would stay at least a foot apart. Maybe you were just hallucinating. Had she just held you tighter? There you were, hugging your best friend. Tightly. Was it just you, or had this hug seemed tighter than usual? It was just a hug. A hug means nothing. You needed warmth, and she was there. That's all. You brushed the thought off. Ridiculous thoughts that shouldn't even dare to cross your mind. Normally, you would have let this go. But you couldn't. Not when she continued to break the cycle.
That week was the lead up to Freddie's birthday. Respecting your friends' space, you let them have their time alone. You would all celebrate together some other time. You had come prepared on Monday. You were prepared, braced for the rants. Her worried rants. Yes world, Sam Puckett, knew how to rant. But instead, you got nothing. It was scary this silence. This silence between you two. Her eyes glazed away from yours looking down. It was a look you did not know. She looked up and back at you, this time with uncertainty. You tried to bring it up over the week. You tried getting her to talk about it. She would refuse. She wouldn't budge. You tried to get her talking about other things. Food. Ham. Freddie. Hot guys? Nothing. No response. You're worried. Had you said something? Did you do something wrong? No. Of course you hadn't. This is her fault. She has brought this silence upon you. Curse you Sam Puckett for ruining the cycle! Then again, there was always the aftermath. You waited for her to come online that night. You had given them time alone. Surely something would have happened, and of course she would HAVE to tell you. But nothing. She came online. You brought it back. Nothing.
"It was okay." OKAY?! That was all she could say? She left them alone for an OKAY night? You had not pushed it. You moved on. You even pushed your suspicions away. They would disappear soon enough right?
You were right. They would disappear. They had disappeared. But only for a while. It was the week before Spring Break. There was a concert at school. Naturally you all went. You never missed a school concert. The night was fun, filled with pictures, punch, and more pictures. It was fun. It was the most fun you had experienced in a while. Oh who were you kidding. It was great. Fantastic. The night was nearly at its end. The teachers were about to play. The student body had created their mini mosh pit and had gone crazy. She was bobbing her head next to you, and you were jumping up and down. It was ridiculous but everyone was doing it too. Things were intense and wild. She was giggling right next to you as some girl knocked you over with her water bottle. She pulled you closer and whispered, "Dance with me," Your heart had skipped a beat. It's not supposed to. Speechless you replied with, "Right now?" She nodded in response. You could have done something else. You stepped closer. She pulled you closer. You attempted to dance in a mosh pit. Impossible but very hilarious. You ended up bonking heads instead. It was another break from the cycle. No. This was not part of the cycle.
The last week before Spring Break. She would be leaving for a trip, and you felt sad. You would miss her of course. She was your best friend. It was only natural that you would miss her! Some stupid guy that was obsessed with her was going too. You were jealous. You were jealous of some stupid guy. You were jealous of some stupid guy you knew she didn't even like! Melanie was in town. You would meet with her. But of course, she cancelled on you last minute and spontaneously, you decide that a sleepover is the best sendoff before her trip. She came over, and both of you did what you had always done. Movies, and junk food. Leon, 6 days 7 nights, chocolate, and condensed milk. You were set for the night. Spencer had settled in and was already asleep by the time you had started 6 days and 7 nights. It was already late but you insisted that there was to be a movie marathon. You felt bloated. She did too. Both of you were sprawled lazily on the couch not able to move. The movie was at its end. You locked your arms around her neck and let yourself drift off to sleep. You're asleep and conscious at the same time. You feel the spaces between your fingers filled and weirdly enough, they aren't intertwined with your other hand. Then you suddenly remember who you're hanging onto. Your hands are intertwined with your best friend. No this is normal. Of course this is normal. Why wouldn't it be? You're too sleepy to retaliate your own thoughts. You need a bed, not this lumpy couch which provides barely enough space for both of you.
"Let's go to the bedroom," you hear yourself say. Your eyes are closed but you feel her eyes. Her expression. You just know the face she's about to pull but can't be bothered to double check. You stumble in the dark, clumsily feeling around to reach the bedroom. It's cold. You're shivering. She covers you with the blanket and you feel like a hog. You're still shivering.
"Are you cold?" she asks. She's smiling. You feel it in the dark.
"No," you lie. Your body gives you off. Your teeth are chattering and goose bumps line your arms.
"Liar," she states. She brings you closer to her, wrapping her arm around you and your body leans towards hers. What good would this do? And all of a sudden, the room isn't so cold anymore. Within seconds, your body is fine. It's satisfied. Stupid body.
You're half asleep and you don't really know what you're doing. Your hand reaches for her when suddenly it creeps under her sleeve. All of a sudden you go from feeling secure to feeling like a total pervert. Anticipating a slap, or a turn, or a warning, you feel like retreating. She doesn't say a thing. Is it because she's asleep? You trace shapes, pictures, hearts…, her name. You're starting to get goose bumps and this time, it's not from the temperature. You stop, and retreat finally. She does the same to you. This. What is this? Do friends…do this? And what exactly was it? You weren't sure. You mumbled. You talked. You were half awake. You could not be held responsible for anything you did right? This would be the last time you would see her before her trip. And suddenly when you wake up, you see her in a different light.
She came back from her trip. You've missed her. You've missed her a lot. And you've been doing some thinking. These changes…what if they were for the better? They made your heart fly and leap and being with her was just…it was just…awesome? Yes awesome was a good word. It was friend-friendly. You see her as she walks towards you. She's burnt but she's glowing. You realize that she's happy. Is she as happy to see you as you are happy to see her? She tells you about her trip. According to her it was amazing and fun. She was ranting again. This was a good sign right? You were back to the cycle. This was a good cycle. You were happy for her. Your heart was in flight until she starts talking about him. She tells you about the guy. That guy. You know that guy you had been jealous of? The guy she didn't like? The guy she had told you she was leaving? She tells you stories. And he tells you stories too. And you put 2 and 2 together. They're happy. Your heart isn't flying. It's falling.
You're confused about how you feel later that week. You're hurt. It feels as if she had promised you something and backed out instead. You were friends. Best friends. That was the only promise she made. You ran everyday that week. You needed time to think. Tears had started to fall by the end of the week and you finally realize. You've realized why your heart isn't flying and why it's falling. It's because YOU are falling. You are falling for her.
Things had changed because…you had been falling all this time. There was nothing you could do. She was happy now. And what were the chances that she was falling for you too? You had convinced yourself that things were changing. They were changing because things were different. You weren't just friends anymore. You were wrong. You are just friends. That's what you're meant to be. You cry even more. She had not changed. What if nothing had changed? What if…it was you doing all the changing? You wanted more. But friendship was all she could offer you. She was taken. She was happy. This is what you wanted remember? The one thing you've always wanted for her? To be happy? You came to school. Smiling at her. You would begin the cycle once again. For now, things could not change. No. You would not allow them too.